Hello to all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 18
Hello to all
Hi,
Glad to meet you all. Am 200 days sober today. Have a sponsor, attend meetings, am working on step 8. I'm almost 46, widowed, one beautiful daughter and a new baby grandson.
My story:
I can count on one hand the number of drinks I had until I was 28 y/o, newly divorced, single mom, painfully shy and quiet, didn't fit in, black sheep. I thought drinking helped get me out of my shell. It did, for a while. Remarried some years later, and was a social drinker, but went weeks without, and didn't over do it when I did drink. Was a former emetophobic (extreme fear of vomiting), so I always knew my limit. Well, for a while, anyways. Believe it or not, drinking helped me over come that weird phobia later on, yeah, no problem. Things started to become habit about age 35, became an everyday nightly habit. One of my favorite things was being in my kitchen, cooking and enjoying my glass of wine. And the 2 or 3 that followed.
Years of this nightly ritual became afternoon, and then morning jitters helper, you know how this goes. It started getting pretty bad when we moved to a different state. My daughter grown and gone. My hubby worked in a different state 3 weeks of the month. I worked double shift weekends at the hospital. So I had 5 days off a week to stay plastered. Played online game a ton, could stay home and play and drink all day, no one there to say a word.
I hid stuff for a long time. I'd get extra wine or booze to hide around the house when my hubby was home so I wouldn't run out. Hide little bottles everywhere when we had to go places. I didn't go without my alcohol. Even started hiding it in my backpack at work to calm the shakes and the blech feeling.
Got wayyyy worse when my hubby got cancer. So many things I regret sooo much. He fought for 2 years. I was a complete ****. I should have been there more. Every chemo treatment, even though he insisted I sleep Monday mornings after my hell weekend shifts. Should have been more mentally present. Should have been a better wife. There's no way to ever take that back. Hence, even more drinking to numb that.
It's been over 4 years since he passed. So there I am, alone. Scared. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Lonely. Hurting. So what do you do when you have all of this floating around and don't know how to deal with it? Yeah, you "help" all of that by making it worse with alcohol.
I've been trying to find my way since then, and have done a **** job. 200 days ago was rock damn bottom. Withdrawal seizure right in front of my parents, who thought I died, scared the loving **** out of them.
Ambulance ride, ER, mediflight to bigger hospital 2 hours away (I was nearly dead), 4 days in that hospital. When asked in the hospital if I wanted help my immediate response was 'YES!!' I was ready.
So this followed with 11 days in a detox center, followed by 44 days in rehab. I finally got it. I. couldn't. ever. take. one. more. drink. Not one. Ever. It truly did do something to me, I see that now.
Rock bottom is different for everyone, I see that now, too. Always justified before I quit that I wasn't that bad, still had a home, a car, no legal problems thankfully, it seemed like I still had my **** together.
I did not.
Unmanageable. Unmanageable is when you think a beer is a good idea, I'll just have a beer. There's no harm in that. But that doesn't do it, and in your "I'm not buzzing" mind you go get wine, cause wine always mellowed you out. But then, you get something with a stronger punch than that, and before you know it, 3 weeks is gone and people are banging on your door because they haven't heard from you.. How in the hell is that having your **** together? I was in my own living hell, same as a jail cell.
Well anyways, this is my story.
Today is 200 days sober. I'm healthy, I'm alive, I have my family that still loves me, and I aim to keep it that way, every one day at a time.
Glad to meet you all. Am 200 days sober today. Have a sponsor, attend meetings, am working on step 8. I'm almost 46, widowed, one beautiful daughter and a new baby grandson.
My story:
I can count on one hand the number of drinks I had until I was 28 y/o, newly divorced, single mom, painfully shy and quiet, didn't fit in, black sheep. I thought drinking helped get me out of my shell. It did, for a while. Remarried some years later, and was a social drinker, but went weeks without, and didn't over do it when I did drink. Was a former emetophobic (extreme fear of vomiting), so I always knew my limit. Well, for a while, anyways. Believe it or not, drinking helped me over come that weird phobia later on, yeah, no problem. Things started to become habit about age 35, became an everyday nightly habit. One of my favorite things was being in my kitchen, cooking and enjoying my glass of wine. And the 2 or 3 that followed.
Years of this nightly ritual became afternoon, and then morning jitters helper, you know how this goes. It started getting pretty bad when we moved to a different state. My daughter grown and gone. My hubby worked in a different state 3 weeks of the month. I worked double shift weekends at the hospital. So I had 5 days off a week to stay plastered. Played online game a ton, could stay home and play and drink all day, no one there to say a word.
I hid stuff for a long time. I'd get extra wine or booze to hide around the house when my hubby was home so I wouldn't run out. Hide little bottles everywhere when we had to go places. I didn't go without my alcohol. Even started hiding it in my backpack at work to calm the shakes and the blech feeling.
Got wayyyy worse when my hubby got cancer. So many things I regret sooo much. He fought for 2 years. I was a complete ****. I should have been there more. Every chemo treatment, even though he insisted I sleep Monday mornings after my hell weekend shifts. Should have been more mentally present. Should have been a better wife. There's no way to ever take that back. Hence, even more drinking to numb that.
It's been over 4 years since he passed. So there I am, alone. Scared. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Lonely. Hurting. So what do you do when you have all of this floating around and don't know how to deal with it? Yeah, you "help" all of that by making it worse with alcohol.
I've been trying to find my way since then, and have done a **** job. 200 days ago was rock damn bottom. Withdrawal seizure right in front of my parents, who thought I died, scared the loving **** out of them.
Ambulance ride, ER, mediflight to bigger hospital 2 hours away (I was nearly dead), 4 days in that hospital. When asked in the hospital if I wanted help my immediate response was 'YES!!' I was ready.So this followed with 11 days in a detox center, followed by 44 days in rehab. I finally got it. I. couldn't. ever. take. one. more. drink. Not one. Ever. It truly did do something to me, I see that now.
Rock bottom is different for everyone, I see that now, too. Always justified before I quit that I wasn't that bad, still had a home, a car, no legal problems thankfully, it seemed like I still had my **** together.
I did not.
Unmanageable. Unmanageable is when you think a beer is a good idea, I'll just have a beer. There's no harm in that. But that doesn't do it, and in your "I'm not buzzing" mind you go get wine, cause wine always mellowed you out. But then, you get something with a stronger punch than that, and before you know it, 3 weeks is gone and people are banging on your door because they haven't heard from you.. How in the hell is that having your **** together? I was in my own living hell, same as a jail cell.
Well anyways, this is my story.
Today is 200 days sober. I'm healthy, I'm alive, I have my family that still loves me, and I aim to keep it that way, every one day at a time.
Last edited by Meshami; 05-04-2017 at 09:13 AM. Reason: spacing visuals
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
Another rock bottom as crap as mine. Another who has seen the complete gift of life. Keep that spark of life going inside of you. People who say the worst day sober is better than the best day drunk are up themselves. It is fckuing hard work.
I hope you allow yourself to feel some peace at what you have achieved. Grief, double shifts+ hospital = nurse to me (as I was- I did the same as you), seizures (me too), STUFF.
I AM PROUD OF US. wELL DONE FOR YOU. gOOD POST. sUPPORT AND EMPATHY TO YOU.
gRIEF SUCKS. pj
Apols for caps lock
I hope you allow yourself to feel some peace at what you have achieved. Grief, double shifts+ hospital = nurse to me (as I was- I did the same as you), seizures (me too), STUFF.
I AM PROUD OF US. wELL DONE FOR YOU. gOOD POST. sUPPORT AND EMPATHY TO YOU.
gRIEF SUCKS. pj
Apols for caps lock
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Welcome and congratulations on your sobriety. I lost my wife to cancer as well. I know how stressful that is and I wish you peace. Please forgive yourself for anything you feel you could have done better. You did the best you could at the time.
I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. 
You'll find lots of support here.
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