Ultimatum
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Its not always a perfect parabola - I had periods of 'doing better' for various reasons.
if you have a history of heavy drinking, maybe this ultimatum was long time coming?
D
if you have a history of heavy drinking, maybe this ultimatum was long time coming?
D
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Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Of course it matters.
Everyone's entitled to a fair hearing.
Whoever suggested counselling for you both, I tend to agree.
From your posts (and thats all we have to go on) it doesn't sound like there's much effective communication going on and ugly words are being bandied about on both sides..
I'm not blaming you for that, or your wife.
Sometimes things just get like that.
I think going along with it will be the easiest road tho.
If you do have a problem, and you're not as functional as you think, then this ultimatum might tun out to be the best thing in the world.
If you don't have a problem? you make not like it, but the not drinking part should be easy for you.
D
Everyone's entitled to a fair hearing.
Whoever suggested counselling for you both, I tend to agree.
From your posts (and thats all we have to go on) it doesn't sound like there's much effective communication going on and ugly words are being bandied about on both sides..
I'm not blaming you for that, or your wife.
Sometimes things just get like that.
I think going along with it will be the easiest road tho.
If you do have a problem, and you're not as functional as you think, then this ultimatum might tun out to be the best thing in the world.
If you don't have a problem? you make not like it, but the not drinking part should be easy for you.
D
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Dee74
Of course it matters.
Everyone's entitled to a fair hearing.
Whoever suggested counselling for you both, I tend to agree.
From your posts (and thats all we have to go on) it doesn't sound like there's much effective communication going on.
I'm not blaming you for that, or your wife.
Sometimes things just get like that.
As far as this thread goes - if you do have a problem, and you're not as functional as you think, then this ultimatum might tun out to be the best thing in the world.
If you don't have a problem? you make not like it, but the not drinking part should be easy for you.
D
Everyone's entitled to a fair hearing.
Whoever suggested counselling for you both, I tend to agree.
From your posts (and thats all we have to go on) it doesn't sound like there's much effective communication going on.
I'm not blaming you for that, or your wife.
Sometimes things just get like that.
As far as this thread goes - if you do have a problem, and you're not as functional as you think, then this ultimatum might tun out to be the best thing in the world.
If you don't have a problem? you make not like it, but the not drinking part should be easy for you.
D
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Sprtslife
Fair point. However, if I don't have a problem, (besides the fact I drink more than my health would like) why should I have to forgo having some drinks at a wedding or what have you, just because my wife gave me an ultimatum? While she can continue smoking and eating like a cowboy. Where is her sacrifice? I suppose that's something for a marriage counsellor.
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Originally Posted by Done4today
Welcome Sprtslife,
Good luck buddy, I know you'll come out feeling better. Many prayers
Good luck buddy, I know you'll come out feeling better. Many prayers
How ironic would it be that I get sober; then get divorced.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Originally Posted by Gilmer
How long till the rehab starts?
Think of it as a personal retreat, a recuperative time for body, mind, and soul. Spend your valuable energy on yourself.
Think of it as a personal retreat, a recuperative time for body, mind, and soul. Spend your valuable energy on yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
Sprtslf. I hope it all works out for you. -You will have to deal with the resentment at some point. Hopefully you can do that together.
-this is something I thought of, from personal experience. A few times in my life I have found myself contemplating healthy changes (fitness, career, drinking even), and someone in my circle made a condescending suggestion similar to what I was already thinking. My instant reaction each time was to say "Screw That!!". -It burns me UP when other adults try to tell me how to live.
-all that pride aside, just because family and friends may lack tact does not mean the actual ideas were wrong. They were great when they were mine! Ha!
Just thinking out loud... I want you to know, I feel your pain.
As for sobriety, I guarantee it is not a sentence of boredom or lack of fun. If you pay attention, you will most likely notice that everything becomes easier and you become smarter, funnier and better in bed. -not even kidding.
-this is something I thought of, from personal experience. A few times in my life I have found myself contemplating healthy changes (fitness, career, drinking even), and someone in my circle made a condescending suggestion similar to what I was already thinking. My instant reaction each time was to say "Screw That!!". -It burns me UP when other adults try to tell me how to live.
-all that pride aside, just because family and friends may lack tact does not mean the actual ideas were wrong. They were great when they were mine! Ha!
Just thinking out loud... I want you to know, I feel your pain.
As for sobriety, I guarantee it is not a sentence of boredom or lack of fun. If you pay attention, you will most likely notice that everything becomes easier and you become smarter, funnier and better in bed. -not even kidding.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by leviathan
Sprtslf. I hope it all works out for you. -You will have to deal with the resentment at some point. Hopefully you can do that together.
-this is something I thought of, from personal experience. A few times in my life I have found myself contemplating healthy changes (fitness, career, drinking even), and someone in my circle made a condescending suggestion similar to what I was already thinking. My instant reaction each time was to say "Screw That!!". -It burns me UP when other adults try to tell me how to live.
-all that pride aside, just because family and friends may lack tact does not mean the actual ideas were wrong. They were great when they were mine! Ha!
Just thinking out loud... I want you to know, I feel your pain.
As for sobriety, I guarantee it is not a sentence of boredom or lack of fun. If you pay attention, you will most likely notice that everything becomes easier and you become smarter, funnier and better in bed. -not even kidding.
-this is something I thought of, from personal experience. A few times in my life I have found myself contemplating healthy changes (fitness, career, drinking even), and someone in my circle made a condescending suggestion similar to what I was already thinking. My instant reaction each time was to say "Screw That!!". -It burns me UP when other adults try to tell me how to live.
-all that pride aside, just because family and friends may lack tact does not mean the actual ideas were wrong. They were great when they were mine! Ha!
Just thinking out loud... I want you to know, I feel your pain.
As for sobriety, I guarantee it is not a sentence of boredom or lack of fun. If you pay attention, you will most likely notice that everything becomes easier and you become smarter, funnier and better in bed. -not even kidding.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
So, you and your wife are going to give each other the silent treatment? For real though, the two of you may want to find a healthier way to deal with your problems. If this isn't about the alcohol but about the ultimatum, then it's a relationship issue. $30,000 seems like way to much money to put into something that you are not willing to even wrap your head around. You don't want to be sober. So why not take that money and find yourself a new place to live?
I have a sense that any solution offered will only be rejected because you are mad. Hopefully, you two are able to come to a better place with your marriage and selves.
I have a sense that any solution offered will only be rejected because you are mad. Hopefully, you two are able to come to a better place with your marriage and selves.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 153
Probably going to get told off as you seem to be telling everyone off for opinions so hey.....
Why are you even together ? You want to be a stay at home dad drink everyday/night whethever it is (and what tax in the uk prevents you working im confused)
I run my own recruitment agency and never heard of such tax ? You come to the UK we expect you to work ?
Shes out working and comes home to gorge and smoke herself to an early grave !! Wow hypercritical or what !!
30k for a rehab that you dont want to do and see no problem drinking everyday, dont bother seems like your happy in life tell her save 30k
Again my opinion see a solicitor and both get out and be happy YOLO as the saying goes
Silent treatment is very mature by the way great example to kids
I wish you well your going to both need it sorry to blunt but i see no other way here
Why are you even together ? You want to be a stay at home dad drink everyday/night whethever it is (and what tax in the uk prevents you working im confused)
I run my own recruitment agency and never heard of such tax ? You come to the UK we expect you to work ?
Shes out working and comes home to gorge and smoke herself to an early grave !! Wow hypercritical or what !!
30k for a rehab that you dont want to do and see no problem drinking everyday, dont bother seems like your happy in life tell her save 30k
Again my opinion see a solicitor and both get out and be happy YOLO as the saying goes
Silent treatment is very mature by the way great example to kids
I wish you well your going to both need it sorry to blunt but i see no other way here
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
While I'll tell you it's certainly good to stop drinking - I also know the reality.
I could not stop drinking for another person. I never would have done it on an ultimatum and I likely would be as resentful as you are if someone had tried it before I was ready. If anything, it was more than likely to cause me to drink more out of spite.
I only quit when it came from inside, and did it for me. Its more than lovely that it has helped my marriage and made me a far better parent and employee. Also made me way less accident prone. I feel fine and happy as a sober person.
If you wanted to quit I'd be encouraging you all the way. Counselling the issues between you and your wife might be the ticket for now. I don't mean anything personal against you, but quitting in anger or spite against another human is not a recipe for honest sobriety. I'm not going to point out the alcoholic things you wrote because you seem fairly open about your drinking and seem to understand you drink more that normal social drinkers.
I do hope you find sincere sobriety one day when you are ready. Every person I've met who went into a court ordered 28 day program came out and drank - pretty sure 30 thousand is a lot of money to throw at something you seem not to be accepting and ready for.
Good luck with your wife.
I could not stop drinking for another person. I never would have done it on an ultimatum and I likely would be as resentful as you are if someone had tried it before I was ready. If anything, it was more than likely to cause me to drink more out of spite.
I only quit when it came from inside, and did it for me. Its more than lovely that it has helped my marriage and made me a far better parent and employee. Also made me way less accident prone. I feel fine and happy as a sober person.
If you wanted to quit I'd be encouraging you all the way. Counselling the issues between you and your wife might be the ticket for now. I don't mean anything personal against you, but quitting in anger or spite against another human is not a recipe for honest sobriety. I'm not going to point out the alcoholic things you wrote because you seem fairly open about your drinking and seem to understand you drink more that normal social drinkers.
I do hope you find sincere sobriety one day when you are ready. Every person I've met who went into a court ordered 28 day program came out and drank - pretty sure 30 thousand is a lot of money to throw at something you seem not to be accepting and ready for.
Good luck with your wife.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
FWIW:
I asked my SO to quit drinking. I could no longer live the road I was traveling with my own drinking and I could not obtain the level of comfort and safety I needed while he actively drank everyday. It was not going to work. He had many points that are similar to yours. I had been on and off sobriety for years. When I decided it was okay to drink then it was okay for him. When I decided to quit then he had to quit. It was an epic conversation/ argument for a few days. As drinking has been one of the problems that has continually resurfaced in in my life. He was angry. I had to come to a place of compromise with him.
My SO could not see his life completely sober. He enjoys football and enjoys beer while watching football. He loves beer. I cannot take that away from him and I have no right to try to control his behavior.
Seeing how we are married and working on our marriage continually, we had to really hash out what was going to work in our marriage together. If alcohol was more important to him than what we have, then we needed to throw in the towel and go our separate ways. It became a cross roads for us. We both decided that we would remove alcohol for a month and revisit the conversation in a few weeks.
After he and I calmed down and we both had breathing room to think, we decided collectively that he could drink 2 nights a week. No more than two nights. It was non negotiable. It has not been a problem since then.
When the weekend roles around and all his chores or tasks are done, he drinks some beer and I do my thing. I am not bothered by him and I let him do his thing. This compromise has allowed us to gain a level of health in our relationship that we have never had before. It was not easy to get there but we made it.
The point is: Something had to change and it had to take both of us to change it.
I asked my SO to quit drinking. I could no longer live the road I was traveling with my own drinking and I could not obtain the level of comfort and safety I needed while he actively drank everyday. It was not going to work. He had many points that are similar to yours. I had been on and off sobriety for years. When I decided it was okay to drink then it was okay for him. When I decided to quit then he had to quit. It was an epic conversation/ argument for a few days. As drinking has been one of the problems that has continually resurfaced in in my life. He was angry. I had to come to a place of compromise with him.
My SO could not see his life completely sober. He enjoys football and enjoys beer while watching football. He loves beer. I cannot take that away from him and I have no right to try to control his behavior.
Seeing how we are married and working on our marriage continually, we had to really hash out what was going to work in our marriage together. If alcohol was more important to him than what we have, then we needed to throw in the towel and go our separate ways. It became a cross roads for us. We both decided that we would remove alcohol for a month and revisit the conversation in a few weeks.
After he and I calmed down and we both had breathing room to think, we decided collectively that he could drink 2 nights a week. No more than two nights. It was non negotiable. It has not been a problem since then.
When the weekend roles around and all his chores or tasks are done, he drinks some beer and I do my thing. I am not bothered by him and I let him do his thing. This compromise has allowed us to gain a level of health in our relationship that we have never had before. It was not easy to get there but we made it.
The point is: Something had to change and it had to take both of us to change it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Femaleboss1980
Probably going to get told off as you seem to be telling everyone off for opinions so hey.....
Why are you even together ? You want to be a stay at home dad drink everyday/night whethever it is (and what tax in the uk prevents you working im confused)
I run my own recruitment agency and never heard of such tax ? You come to the UK we expect you to work ?
Shes out working and comes home to gorge and smoke herself to an early grave !! Wow hypercritical or what !!
30k for a rehab that you dont want to do and see no problem drinking everyday, dont bother seems like your happy in life tell her save 30k
Again my opinion see a solicitor and both get out and be happy YOLO as the saying goes
Silent treatment is very mature by the way great example to kids
I wish you well your going to both need it sorry to blunt but i see no other way here
Why are you even together ? You want to be a stay at home dad drink everyday/night whethever it is (and what tax in the uk prevents you working im confused)
I run my own recruitment agency and never heard of such tax ? You come to the UK we expect you to work ?
Shes out working and comes home to gorge and smoke herself to an early grave !! Wow hypercritical or what !!
30k for a rehab that you dont want to do and see no problem drinking everyday, dont bother seems like your happy in life tell her save 30k
Again my opinion see a solicitor and both get out and be happy YOLO as the saying goes
Silent treatment is very mature by the way great example to kids
I wish you well your going to both need it sorry to blunt but i see no other way here
Without telling you our financial business, My wife's corporation pays our UK tax liability. If I work here we then become responsible by law for our taxes here and it wouldn't equate. That comes from our accountant, so I believe him. I've worked my whole life, graduated from NYU and made double my wife's salary up until 5 years ago. So you aren't chatting with a guy who stumbles home at 3am from a bar and pays his family zero attention. Let us be clear.
Let's move on, it amazing that most people who replied to my venting here are in attack mode. "Just get sober and that's it" type attitude. From what I've read, being angry is a normal part of the process when you start believing you may need to live a sober life. Am I wrong? Why all the ill will. I'm just pissed that i have to do this, and I'm in this position. Simple as that. Hopefully I get over it, and don't view it as all doom and gloom. Right now it's hard to do that.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
FWIW:
I asked my SO to quit drinking. I could no longer live the road I was traveling with my own drinking and I could not obtain the level of comfort and safety I needed while he actively drank everyday. It was not going to work. He had many points that are similar to yours. I had been on and off sobriety for years. When I decided it was okay to drink then it was okay for him. When I decided to quit then he had to quit. It was an epic conversation/ argument for a few days. As drinking has been one of the problems that has continually resurfaced in in my life. He was angry. I had to come to a place of compromise with him.
My SO could not see his life completely sober. He enjoys football and enjoys beer while watching football. He loves beer. I cannot take that away from him and I have no right to try to control his behavior.
Seeing how we are married and working on our marriage continually, we had to really hash out what was going to work in our marriage together. If alcohol was more important to him than what we have, then we needed to throw in the towel and go our separate ways. It became a cross roads for us. We both decided that we would remove alcohol for a month and revisit the conversation in a few weeks.
After he and I calmed down and we both had breathing room to think, we decided collectively that he could drink 2 nights a week. No more than two nights. It was non negotiable. It has not been a problem since then.
When the weekend roles around and all his chores or tasks are done, he drinks some beer and I do my thing. I am not bothered by him and I let him do his thing. This compromise has allowed us to gain a level of health in our relationship that we have never had before. It was not easy to get there but we made it.
The point is: Something had to change and it had to take both of us to change it.
I asked my SO to quit drinking. I could no longer live the road I was traveling with my own drinking and I could not obtain the level of comfort and safety I needed while he actively drank everyday. It was not going to work. He had many points that are similar to yours. I had been on and off sobriety for years. When I decided it was okay to drink then it was okay for him. When I decided to quit then he had to quit. It was an epic conversation/ argument for a few days. As drinking has been one of the problems that has continually resurfaced in in my life. He was angry. I had to come to a place of compromise with him.
My SO could not see his life completely sober. He enjoys football and enjoys beer while watching football. He loves beer. I cannot take that away from him and I have no right to try to control his behavior.
Seeing how we are married and working on our marriage continually, we had to really hash out what was going to work in our marriage together. If alcohol was more important to him than what we have, then we needed to throw in the towel and go our separate ways. It became a cross roads for us. We both decided that we would remove alcohol for a month and revisit the conversation in a few weeks.
After he and I calmed down and we both had breathing room to think, we decided collectively that he could drink 2 nights a week. No more than two nights. It was non negotiable. It has not been a problem since then.
When the weekend roles around and all his chores or tasks are done, he drinks some beer and I do my thing. I am not bothered by him and I let him do his thing. This compromise has allowed us to gain a level of health in our relationship that we have never had before. It was not easy to get there but we made it.
The point is: Something had to change and it had to take both of us to change it.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
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Hell for me was not drinking when I really wanted to.
Just not drinking is not sobriety,IMO; sobriety is an entire change in attitude and outlook on life so that I don't NEED to drink.
This whole thing seems more like a power struggle than anything else and I wish the both of you the best.
Just not drinking is not sobriety,IMO; sobriety is an entire change in attitude and outlook on life so that I don't NEED to drink.
This whole thing seems more like a power struggle than anything else and I wish the both of you the best.
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What replies were you looking for when you posted? Coming to a recovery board hoping the responses would be, "hey, she's way out of line and it's fine for you to drink whatever you want!" was unlikely to happen?
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