Ultimatum
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Sprtslife 
I guess they forget what they may have been like while going thru a time like this. I mean gees.
What people are trying to tell is you that many of us did exactly what you are doing - we fought tooth and nail against anyone telling us our drinking was a problem. How dare anyone suggest that we aren't completely in control of our facilities in life? They have no right....we pay the bills and don't pass out drunk on the floor in front of our kids so there must not have been a problem, right?
That's the epitome of addiction - denial. We of course don't know your personal life, but I can tell you that people don't generally just "make up" ultimatums out of the blue. You yourself have suggested that you think drinking is something you'd be better off without.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Well of course drinking is something anyone would be better off without. Especially from a health standpoint. My wife would be better off eating more salad instead of pizza. But I don't tell her eat more salad, or I'm leaving! "I'm not gonna sit here and watch you die of heart diasese."
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Options:
Quit drinking and get treatment or leave?
Leave and continue drinking?
Is there anyway to talk with your wife about your concerns? Relationships are a two way street. Let her know of your concerns regarding her sugar and nicotine consumption.
I do understand that you are in a situation where you have no other option but to stop due to housing. If you had money to relocate would you choose to continue drinking and move?
Is there a middle ground here? Could you drink a few nights a week and the rest you are sober?
Do you have control with your drinking?
Quit drinking and get treatment or leave?
Leave and continue drinking?
Is there anyway to talk with your wife about your concerns? Relationships are a two way street. Let her know of your concerns regarding her sugar and nicotine consumption.
I do understand that you are in a situation where you have no other option but to stop due to housing. If you had money to relocate would you choose to continue drinking and move?
Is there a middle ground here? Could you drink a few nights a week and the rest you are sober?
Do you have control with your drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Bingo you hit the nail on the head! Would I move out if I had housing you ask?
How about this; would she have given me an ultimatum if I had those resources, and I could possible say No, I'm not going to rehab? I bet you she wouldn't have.
How about this; would she have given me an ultimatum if I had those resources, and I could possible say No, I'm not going to rehab? I bet you she wouldn't have.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
And as far as talking to her about it, yes I've tried. She just says I'm always deflecting. "Stop deflecting, let's just talk about your alcohol problem."
My wife is very well versed in the "how to handle the alcoholic" guidebook.
My wife is very well versed in the "how to handle the alcoholic" guidebook.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Sprtslife, I know how your upset you are, but try to keep an open mind in rehab. You may be surprised by an angle you've never considered.
Twenty years ago I was forced to spend a length of time in a "behavioral health center," and I was very, very bitter, especially at my husband. I knew I was fine, that the people in my life were a-holes (and they actually were).
I thought all of the medical professionals there were a bunch of psychobabbling quacks and spent the first few days isolating and sulking--till one day a technician said one thing that totally floored me and made me take a closer look at my assumptions.
I came out of that place with my world upside down. I felt shaken, but also surprised that I might actually be dodging a bullet of some sort.
Obviously, my story isn't yours--I'm just saying:
1) Even though your attitude right now is bitter, don't necessarily think rehab will be pointless;
2) And you never know when a new consideration might blindside you for the better. Keep your eyes and mind open.
Twenty years ago I was forced to spend a length of time in a "behavioral health center," and I was very, very bitter, especially at my husband. I knew I was fine, that the people in my life were a-holes (and they actually were).
I thought all of the medical professionals there were a bunch of psychobabbling quacks and spent the first few days isolating and sulking--till one day a technician said one thing that totally floored me and made me take a closer look at my assumptions.
I came out of that place with my world upside down. I felt shaken, but also surprised that I might actually be dodging a bullet of some sort.
Obviously, my story isn't yours--I'm just saying:
1) Even though your attitude right now is bitter, don't necessarily think rehab will be pointless;
2) And you never know when a new consideration might blindside you for the better. Keep your eyes and mind open.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Sprtslife
Bingo you hit the nail on the head! Would I move out if I had housing you ask?
How about this; would she have given me an ultimatum if I had those resources, and I could possible say No, I'm not going to rehab? I bet you she wouldn't have.
How about this; would she have given me an ultimatum if I had those resources, and I could possible say No, I'm not going to rehab? I bet you she wouldn't have.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
P.S.--I used to weigh 267 lbs. I'm no beauty queen, but let's just say I don't weigh that anymore.
You never know how your personal recovery might "trickle down!"
No guarantee--but you never know.
You never know how your personal recovery might "trickle down!"
No guarantee--but you never know.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Sprtslife
And as far as talking to her about it, yes I've tried. She just says I'm always deflecting. "Stop deflecting, let's just talk about your alcohol problem."
My wife is very well versed in the "how to handle the alcoholic" guidebook.
My wife is very well versed in the "how to handle the alcoholic" guidebook.
It may not be deflection. I do understand where you are coming from. Two way street here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Thanks for the post. You made me laugh today.
I will be open minded, I'm an open minded person, always have been. At $30,000 a month I'm not gonna waste the experience.
I'm just pissed because I feel she's using her leverage. After the first 12 years when I made double her salary my drinking was ok, at least to the point of not handing me out an ultimatum. However, since I quit my job so we could come out here to Europe and enjoy this ex pat experience, NOW this drinking is way outta hand. That actually pisses me off more than the thought of not drinking to be honest.
I will be open minded, I'm an open minded person, always have been. At $30,000 a month I'm not gonna waste the experience.
I'm just pissed because I feel she's using her leverage. After the first 12 years when I made double her salary my drinking was ok, at least to the point of not handing me out an ultimatum. However, since I quit my job so we could come out here to Europe and enjoy this ex pat experience, NOW this drinking is way outta hand. That actually pisses me off more than the thought of not drinking to be honest.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Yeah--I really do understand how you could feel manipulated, and she was hitting below the belt.
She's just a human, too, though.
We've all been guilty of gross manipulation at some point in our lives.
Eventually this crisis will be past and you'll be able to forgive her.
But I really do hear you.
She's just a human, too, though.
We've all been guilty of gross manipulation at some point in our lives.
Eventually this crisis will be past and you'll be able to forgive her.
But I really do hear you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
Aside from the drinking, it sounds like there are other issues here. Is your wife willing to go see a therapist with you? Are you willing to see a therapist with her? Do you even want to be in this relationship? Before the drinking was even brought to the table as an issue was there problems already existing that had no resolve?
I haven't had a drink since Monday and I don't really give a ****. I almost feel like quitting just to prove to her I can, and show her that even when I'm sober, nothing has changed. Then I'll be able to get to her **** that I never complain about.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Do you think you need a rehab, honestly?
What if her ultimatum is more like " Buddy, this needs to change and I am uncomfortable!" It sounds like, so far, you have made the change asked of you? Is she willing to make changes as well?
What if her ultimatum is more like " Buddy, this needs to change and I am uncomfortable!" It sounds like, so far, you have made the change asked of you? Is she willing to make changes as well?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
boy, what a blessing to have an ultimatum!
me? it was "get the **** out!"
no other choice.
rehab will be great for you and you will probably learn the exact root for the resentments and the solutions.
me? it was "get the **** out!"
no other choice.
rehab will be great for you and you will probably learn the exact root for the resentments and the solutions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
Do you think you need a rehab, honestly?
What if her ultimatum is more like " Buddy, this needs to change and I am uncomfortable!" It sounds like, so far, you have made the change asked of you? Is she willing to make changes as well?
What if her ultimatum is more like " Buddy, this needs to change and I am uncomfortable!" It sounds like, so far, you have made the change asked of you? Is she willing to make changes as well?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Sprtslife
Either way it's stop drinking. Doesn't matter how it's presented to me. Listen I'll quit, no problem. But her farts better smell like roses once I'm sober, or I'll complain.
This forum and my family have helped me to find happiness again. Life is good without alcohol. Of course, I was a bottle a day drinker and feeling like **** day in and day out. Alcohol gave me an ultimatum. Live a healthy life or live a sick life. I chose to get healthy.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Some alcoholics become willing to quit once the obstacles to sobriety are removed - health, careers, family and hearth. A few are fortunate enough to wake up before that time.
I appreciate your thread as it reminds me of the insanity drinking produced in by life for over 35 years.
I appreciate your thread as it reminds me of the insanity drinking produced in by life for over 35 years.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Welcome to SR Sprtslife,
Sounds like you're in quite a pickle! Your wife is unhappy due to your drinking, yet you don't see any problems. I am the wife, who is wishing that my husband would stop drinking. I am also a recovering alcoholic. My husband and I used to drink together daily. We both decided to quit 69 days ago. Unfortunately, he wasn't ready and he's still drinking, hiding his booze, thinking that I'm oblivious to it.
No one can force you to choose sobriety and no amount of detox, counseling, meetings...will be a benefit to you if you're not done picking up that drink. I would advise you to at least do some research about this disease so that you will be informed of the health risks, progression and the way alcohol steels our lives. Choosing recovery doesn't mean that the "fun" is over...in fact, life begins once we commit to a new way of living.
It's too bad that you can't see this as a step towards improving your marriage and ultimately your life! As so many here have already said, you'll have a rough road ahead if you're not interested in making changes. Do yourself a favor and stay open minded, read the posts here, do your own research. It might just save your life!
Good luck to you!
Sounds like you're in quite a pickle! Your wife is unhappy due to your drinking, yet you don't see any problems. I am the wife, who is wishing that my husband would stop drinking. I am also a recovering alcoholic. My husband and I used to drink together daily. We both decided to quit 69 days ago. Unfortunately, he wasn't ready and he's still drinking, hiding his booze, thinking that I'm oblivious to it.
No one can force you to choose sobriety and no amount of detox, counseling, meetings...will be a benefit to you if you're not done picking up that drink. I would advise you to at least do some research about this disease so that you will be informed of the health risks, progression and the way alcohol steels our lives. Choosing recovery doesn't mean that the "fun" is over...in fact, life begins once we commit to a new way of living.
It's too bad that you can't see this as a step towards improving your marriage and ultimately your life! As so many here have already said, you'll have a rough road ahead if you're not interested in making changes. Do yourself a favor and stay open minded, read the posts here, do your own research. It might just save your life!
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
Every body has their breaking point. Whatever any body else does it not relevant to what you do to yourself - and others. 'Eating a pound of sugar?' That has little to do with drinking. High functioning- I used to sat that- what to me meant was I got away with getting pissed. The only crime was getting caught. I got caught and lost everything- so well done on the rehab. You have to be doing this for yourself- not because you have to. Support and empathy to you. Keep posting.
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