My last chance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: South east
Posts: 194
My last chance
Tomorrow will begin my last chance. If you have read my former posts in the last year, I've been completely erratic an non-sensical.
On January the 9th, I quit a mind-raping job in hopes to better myself and separate myself from toxic people. After that moment, every thing in my life began to spiral out of control. When I left that job, I had $9,000 dollars in the bank. I now have roughly $1,400 dollars. Most of which I have spent on bills, booze and food.
I went to my doctor yesterday because I have been on a Benzo for three years. That's 30 times longer than recommended by any doctor to be on a medication like this. I stressed to her that I wanted to be off of it (as I have several times before) and she gave me enough medication to last me 21 days. This is terrifying to me because I told her I wanted to do a 3 month taper. So there's that. :/
I relapsed 2 years ago. It started slow then has escalated into something I have no power over. I can go a week or two without drinking then BAM, I'm going harder them ever before. This always happens when I try to taper off of my Benzo. It's insane.
Since, January 9th, I've had in total 7 different jobs that I would work at for a week or two then just quit. Tomorrow I start my 8th. I feel absolutely erratic and terrified most of the time - which I believe stems back to the Benzo. I'm often confused because I can't recognize if I'm in Benzo withdrawal or alcohol withdrawal. Im just constantly in a limbo of withdrawal wich drives me to drink. Let me add, I do not take my medication if I have had a drink that day due to the fatal possibility, however I reach to the Benzo to get me through the alcohol withdrawal. It's a vicious mess and is the most crazy thing I've been through in my life. I feel I have a complete mental illness at this state.
During the past two years of this relapse I have doubled my weight from 105lbs to 215lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever been. I'm very short so it's taking a toll on my body.
I'm scared I will not make it out of this mess. I have no insurance so I cannot afford rehab. I just really don't know what to do anymore.
I have made the conscience decision that starting tomorrow, May 1st, that I have to put the bottle down and tackle this taper because drinking is only making it worse for me. Please pray for me because I truly need a miracle.
-Nick
On January the 9th, I quit a mind-raping job in hopes to better myself and separate myself from toxic people. After that moment, every thing in my life began to spiral out of control. When I left that job, I had $9,000 dollars in the bank. I now have roughly $1,400 dollars. Most of which I have spent on bills, booze and food.
I went to my doctor yesterday because I have been on a Benzo for three years. That's 30 times longer than recommended by any doctor to be on a medication like this. I stressed to her that I wanted to be off of it (as I have several times before) and she gave me enough medication to last me 21 days. This is terrifying to me because I told her I wanted to do a 3 month taper. So there's that. :/
I relapsed 2 years ago. It started slow then has escalated into something I have no power over. I can go a week or two without drinking then BAM, I'm going harder them ever before. This always happens when I try to taper off of my Benzo. It's insane.
Since, January 9th, I've had in total 7 different jobs that I would work at for a week or two then just quit. Tomorrow I start my 8th. I feel absolutely erratic and terrified most of the time - which I believe stems back to the Benzo. I'm often confused because I can't recognize if I'm in Benzo withdrawal or alcohol withdrawal. Im just constantly in a limbo of withdrawal wich drives me to drink. Let me add, I do not take my medication if I have had a drink that day due to the fatal possibility, however I reach to the Benzo to get me through the alcohol withdrawal. It's a vicious mess and is the most crazy thing I've been through in my life. I feel I have a complete mental illness at this state.
During the past two years of this relapse I have doubled my weight from 105lbs to 215lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever been. I'm very short so it's taking a toll on my body.
I'm scared I will not make it out of this mess. I have no insurance so I cannot afford rehab. I just really don't know what to do anymore.
I have made the conscience decision that starting tomorrow, May 1st, that I have to put the bottle down and tackle this taper because drinking is only making it worse for me. Please pray for me because I truly need a miracle.
-Nick
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Pajanickah,
I am in the same boat. May 1st will be my last first day (and, boy have I said that before!) I must find the tools to stop, and the support from people like YOU! We can do this together!
Please keep posting, we can dig out of this hole...
I am in the same boat. May 1st will be my last first day (and, boy have I said that before!) I must find the tools to stop, and the support from people like YOU! We can do this together!
Please keep posting, we can dig out of this hole...
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
Good for you - you have realized what was wrong in your life and you took major steps to improve it. Don't give up on sobriety - you made it your focus. The longer you don't drink the less anxiety you should have and should be able to taper off the benzo. Praying for you that tomorrow is the job that sticks!
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