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So how do you?

Old 04-27-2017, 06:53 AM
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So how do you?

I have events coming up that I know I'm going to want to drink for. For instance, in a couple of weeks, I'm going to a family member's wedding with an open bar.

The problem with my addiction is that I don't hate alcohol. I would love to go to that wedding and have drinks with everyone and I think it would be fun... BUT whenever I drink, I start the addiction cycle all over again.

I quit before New Years. On New Years Eve, I said I'd just drink that night with friends and then go back to being sober the next day. Didn't work. Started drinking every night again.

Fast forward a couple of months and I "quit" yet again. Then my favorite band came to town and we went to the concert and I told myself I'd only drink the night of the concert. BAM. Right back in the saddle.

It really pisses me of that I can't enjoy alcohol and put it back down easily- like most people are able to.

Anyway, how do you deal with events that you would normally be drinking at? I feel like it's not going to be fun, I'm going to miss out etc etc.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:00 AM
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I didn't go to places for where there was alcohol for many months. I tried it and couldn't do it. So, I stayed away until I felt comfortable and solid in my recovery. The main thing to know is that you can have fun in many different situations without alcohol.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:03 AM
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I know myself well enough that I don't need to be exposed to people imbibing. Not now. Maybe in the future. I have missed out on at least 3 get togethers that would have been fun. Not strong enough yet.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:12 AM
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Ohhh how I can relate to what you are writing! I am more affraid of upcoming events than I am for the actual relapse it might cause. I have a monkey on my shoulder that whispers "this is a perfect occation to plan your relapse". Very exhausting! I hope the same strategy I used when I stopped smoking will work. I told myself that I am a non smoker. It worked from day one, and I had absolutely no relapses- 18 years now. And I was a heavy smoker (30 cigs a day!)
I will try the same with my drinking addiction. Don't know if it will work, but I can choose to make it work I guess
BUT I share the same fear as you, and every new sober individual on the planet!

Keep strong! I'll try to be too
(or as Fritz Perls said. You never try! You either do, or don't.)
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:23 AM
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I avoided alcohol early in sobriety until I was on much more stable ground.

I still mostly avoid drinking occasions but will attend if I have very good reason to (that's beyond just hanging out) and I am in good sober/spiritual condition. If I'm feeling uncertain or shaky at all about it, I don't go.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:43 AM
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I can only speak for myself, but I had to be extremely firm in my commitment. Half measures or "wanting it" didn't work. I made it the #1 priority in my life for a period of time. I turned down wedding receptions and party invites. Alcohol kills people and it was trying to kill me. I had to be firm.
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Old 04-27-2017, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by ExhaustedPigeon View Post
For instance, in a couple of weeks, I'm going to a family member's wedding with an open bar.
The alcoholic living in your head thinks you're going to an open bar with a family member's wedding.

I have one of those, too....an alcoholic living in my head. He's been there nearly 30 years now. In all that time he hasn't told me one true thing. Not one.

I've been to two weddings in the last 6 weeks. Had a lovely time at both and not a drop to drink.

You can do this.
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Old 04-27-2017, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
Alcohol kills people and it was trying to kill me. I had to be firm.
Love this, thank you.
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Old 04-27-2017, 10:04 AM
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I have an overnight vacation to Six Flags planned for this weekend. I am also wondering if I'll be able to hang out with my friends and not drink. Lately I have been having Ginger Brew instead of a mixed drink. It is spicy and has a kick to it, kinda feels like it would have alcohol in it, but doesn't.
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Old 04-27-2017, 10:11 AM
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We were invited to a cinco de mayo party. Knowing it would be trouble, my wife and I decided to on a road trip to go visit relatives for 3-4 days. We leave right after she gets done working on the 5th.

Right now, avoiding those events is key but still give yourself something fun to look forward to.
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Old 04-27-2017, 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by ExhaustedPigeon View Post
Love this, thank you.
"alcohol kills people" - yep, and it wasn't going to kill me either.

Have you made the firm decision to quit? That's the key for me- I made that decision 430 days ago and it was permanent.

I kept a very tight circle at the beginning- like, my parents and maybe one friend. I didn't take a bag into the grocery store and (since I didn't drive) my parents could have looked in my grocery bags when they picked me up, to make sure there was no wine. Plenty more examples. Fast forward to Christmas with my family (10 mo sober) and I opted out of the gathering at the beach house entirely. I simply do not go places that I feel uncomfortable for any reason, and I leave if something starts bothering me- now, it is emotionally since physically, sobriety follows in that way.

I'm not missing out on anything by not drinking, and in fact have a better, more fun life now than ever before.

I hope you come to know those kind of feelings too.

Last comment- I am ruthless about where I go and what I do, with whom. There is not a single event - no wedding, no party, nothing, that I will ever "have" to attend if my sobriety is in any way jeopardized. If my family or friends don't respect that, it is their problem.
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:27 PM
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This kind of internal debate about when and where you might have drink sometime in the future under some other circumstances is --- as you say --- nonsense. This is just your addiction speaking, trying out little thought experiments to find weaknesses in your commitment.

Sounds like you have done more than enough research to prove that you can't just have a one off binge or moderate like normal people. It is extremely difficult, but if you can accept this for real then things become much easier.

I don't know how much sober time you got under your belt on your previous attempts, but it seem to take most people a long time to get past the internal struggle stage. I'm at 90+ days and that the obsession with drinking has by and large dispersed (for the moment at least).

Like a lot of the other responses here, I would urge extreme caution. If you think it's going to endanger your recovery, don't go (or make a firm plan to leave early before the "fun" starts in earnest).

Good luck.
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:53 PM
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Ive written a blog on this, I hope it helps x

Socialising sober with normal drinkers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 04-27-2017, 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by blueberry2015 View Post
I really enjoyed reading this and will keep your little tips it in mind when I go to events with alcohol. Thank you so much!
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Old 04-27-2017, 06:53 PM
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It won't be like this forever....I know that is hard to imagine but the hard part of sobriety is up front. We are physiologically wired to repeat habits, our brain actually transfers behaviors that we repeat to a separate part of our brain to free up frontal lobe space. That is why changing behaviors feels so physically uncomfortable.

When we want to change our bodies, we go to the gym and perform certain exercises to produce certain results. We can feel the burn and in time we see the results. Breaking a habit is like taking your brain to the gym..simply by resisting you are forcing your neurological wiring to shift.

If it feels like a warm bath in early sobriety chances are you are using the part of your brain that is a well worn groove. That tension and anxiety you feel because you are doing something differently is a really good thing...you are actually causing a circuit break in that unhealthy habit.

We become really used to immediate gratification as addiction progresses. Our brain calls for something and we rush to obey. Understanding that you don't need to obey cues that are unhealthy is freeing. It gets easier and easier and soon there will be hours that go by without thinking about drinking, then a half day, and a full day. The hardest part is what you are going through right now.

You faced a tough challenge tonight and tomorrow you will wake up feeling good, great job!!
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:09 PM
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Pigeon,

Sorry for hijacking your thread but I just need to comment.

Jaynie, you just expressed exactly what I was feeling was going on with my own addiction. Habits (good or bad) are formed really easy but breaking them is tough. What I know about neurotransmitters, dopamine, and in a very basic way how the brain works this makes perfect sense.

I just was unable to put the pieces together.

Thanks ....

Pigeon. You may have your thread back now
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:16 PM
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"I have events coming up that I know I'm going to want to drink for. For instance, in a couple of weeks, I'm going to a family member's wedding with an open bar.

The problem with my addiction is that I don't hate alcohol. I would love to go to that wedding and have drinks with everyone and I think it would be fun... BUT whenever I drink, I start the addiction cycle all over again. "

the problem with your addiction is NOT that you don't hate alcohol. The problem with addiction is that we are addicted.
you imagine that if you hated alcohol, you would simply stop ?
many of us hated that we kept returning to it after deciding not to, whether we hated the actual substance or not.
also, the upcoming events you know you will want to drink for...so what?
what i mean is: wanting to do something does not mean you will do it, does it?
feeling a "want" is interesting, and can be excruciating, but doesn't mean one has to do anything.
it might help if you settled on a plan that is a more fundamental shift than taking it one event at a time.
lots of good tips already about the things to do at events.
for more basic changes, check out AVRT and the Big Plan, or AA.
both are for addrssing the desire to quit and stay that way, though they do it very differently.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:22 PM
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If you go to the wedding expecting that you will drink, then you will drink. You're giving yourself permission. If you absolutely have to go, go with the knowledge that you cannot drink. And when asked if you want a drink , say "I'm not drinking tonight"... and mean it.
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Old 04-27-2017, 08:10 PM
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Hi EP,
About three years ago, I quit drinking for a year. Early in my sobriety, whenever, I went to a social occasion with a bar, I would state to the server, with confidence and authority, that I don't drink. Then I would request that the bartender surprise me with an interesting non-alcoholic cocktail and put it in a fun glass. I enjoyed not knowing what I was going to get; it made it a little exciting and interesting. Lots of times my experience was that the bartenders liked the challenge and would create all kinds of cool flavours. Sometimes I would make it about colour..ie. make me something red or green etc, sometimes I made it about flavour..like make it sweet or savoury and sometimes I didn't make any parameters at all...just surprise me. That always added a specialness to my night out.

I was my sister's maid of honour during this time period. She asked the venue if I could have dealcoholized wine brought in for the night and they agreed. Now I know there are many recovering alocoholics who frown on drinking dealcoholized wine or beer. They say that is romancing the drink or that it still has .05% alcohol in it so it could trigger a relapse. I respect and understand those opinions and don't want to start an debate here on your thread. I will only say that for me, that helped me at the wedding and I did not relapse after that ( I did relapse eventually but 7 months later). When the waiter refilled the other wedding party members' wine glasses with the real stuff, he refilled mine with the 'faker.' So my lack of drinking did not stand out at all. No one even noticed. I didn't offer an explanation for why I wasn't drinking if anyone did; I simply stated that I don't drink. There is strength in making that statement amd leaving it at that.

The venue also delivered signature shooters for the head table that tasted like those chocolate maraschino candies. The bartender went out of his way to create a virgin one for me that had exactly the same flavour. I didn't even ask for that; the server just told me that the bartender wanted to and that he had experimented over and over to get the taste right for me.

I had a great time at my sisters wedding. I danced my face off, I laughed and laughed and I blessedly woke up the next day not hungover and enjoyed attending a breakfast party at the hotel without feeling like hung over crap. It was great. There has never been a time when I looked back at my sisters wedding and said to myself, ' I wish I could have drank at that.' There has been a time when I looked back at my cousin's wedding, which was the year before and during which I drank my face off, did some ridiculous drunken things that seemed fun at the time but were embarrassing the next day, , and attended the next day breakfast in a horrible state of hungover illness, and have said to myself, ' I wish I didn't drink at that wedding.'

I know that others reading this might feel that these strategies were romancing the drink but I only used them early in my sobriety at the time when I needed to have this plan for myself to discreetly not drink and to feel I was fitting in socially without drawing attention to myself. When I became stronger I didn't need these strategies anymore and was quite happy to just drink water at social occasions.
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Old 04-27-2017, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Pianoman61 View Post
Pigeon,

Sorry for hijacking your thread but I just need to comment.

Jaynie, you just expressed exactly what I was feeling was going on with my own addiction. Habits (good or bad) are formed really easy but breaking them is tough. What I know about neurotransmitters, dopamine, and in a very basic way how the brain works this makes perfect sense.

I just was unable to put the pieces together.


Thanks ....

Pigeon. You may have your thread back now
Hi, I have to hijack the thread for a minute too and say Jayne, that was an incredibly helpful and informative post. It makes perfect sense!
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