Why am I here?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Why am I here?
It took me a while to actually write this post because I kept asking myself this question, over and over. And I kept coming back to the same answer: Because I am an alcoholic.
This is something about me that no one in my life knows and honestly, I have refused to think those words much even to myself. I have managed to keep it completely hidden. I have also managed to be extremely high-functioning, which has convinced me for years that I had it under control. But lately, it is getting out of control and I am getting behind on important bills, like my car payment.
So I have found myself vowing day after day to just not drink TONIGHT after work, just one night, that's all. Just try for one night.
Then I get off work and immediately hit the convenience store for beer. I tell myself OK, so I'll drink tonight, but TOMORROW night, I won't.
Obviously, this hasn't yielded any results.
For the record, I also smoke, though that has only been for five years. At $5 a pack, and almost a pack a day, this is adding to the addiction bill even more.
The odd part is that once a year, I go back east to visit my parents. They don't know that I drink or smoke, so I can't do it at all while I'm there because I'm in their company 24/7. And...I'm OK with it, while I'm there. The worst time is the first few hours after parking my car and shuttling to the airport, then waiting for the plane. I want a cigarette so bad but I can't because I don't want my clothes to smell like smoke.
However, once I get to my family's house, it's pretty much a breeze. I'll feel a slight twinge here and there for a smoke or a beer, but that's about it. No massive cravings or irritability, no withdrawal symptoms.
In fact, I find myself sleeping better and having more energy the next morning. And for the last few years, as I fly home, I promise myself that this time, I'm going to carry this good feeling through and not start up again.
Yeah, that doesn't last at all. As soon as I get in the car, I reach for the cigarettes and stop on the way home for beer.
Which brings me back to the question, why am I here?
I'm here because I want to stop but there aren't many resources available to me. I'm pretty low-income so counseling is out of the question, and I'm largely agnostic so appealing to a higher power in which I don't believe won't help much.
I know from personal experience how much an online support group can make a difference. I was involved with an emotionally abusive narcissist for five years when I found a narcissism abuse recovery forum. This month is my five-year anniversary since joining, I am completely free of him. It was a difficult road but I made it, and I have to thank the posters there who have become like family to me.
Anyhow, I look forward to reading the stories of others and finding support in knowing that I am far from alone and that if you guys can do it, so can I.
Thank you for reading.
This is something about me that no one in my life knows and honestly, I have refused to think those words much even to myself. I have managed to keep it completely hidden. I have also managed to be extremely high-functioning, which has convinced me for years that I had it under control. But lately, it is getting out of control and I am getting behind on important bills, like my car payment.
So I have found myself vowing day after day to just not drink TONIGHT after work, just one night, that's all. Just try for one night.
Then I get off work and immediately hit the convenience store for beer. I tell myself OK, so I'll drink tonight, but TOMORROW night, I won't.
Obviously, this hasn't yielded any results.
For the record, I also smoke, though that has only been for five years. At $5 a pack, and almost a pack a day, this is adding to the addiction bill even more.
The odd part is that once a year, I go back east to visit my parents. They don't know that I drink or smoke, so I can't do it at all while I'm there because I'm in their company 24/7. And...I'm OK with it, while I'm there. The worst time is the first few hours after parking my car and shuttling to the airport, then waiting for the plane. I want a cigarette so bad but I can't because I don't want my clothes to smell like smoke.
However, once I get to my family's house, it's pretty much a breeze. I'll feel a slight twinge here and there for a smoke or a beer, but that's about it. No massive cravings or irritability, no withdrawal symptoms.
In fact, I find myself sleeping better and having more energy the next morning. And for the last few years, as I fly home, I promise myself that this time, I'm going to carry this good feeling through and not start up again.
Yeah, that doesn't last at all. As soon as I get in the car, I reach for the cigarettes and stop on the way home for beer.
Which brings me back to the question, why am I here?
I'm here because I want to stop but there aren't many resources available to me. I'm pretty low-income so counseling is out of the question, and I'm largely agnostic so appealing to a higher power in which I don't believe won't help much.
I know from personal experience how much an online support group can make a difference. I was involved with an emotionally abusive narcissist for five years when I found a narcissism abuse recovery forum. This month is my five-year anniversary since joining, I am completely free of him. It was a difficult road but I made it, and I have to thank the posters there who have become like family to me.
Anyhow, I look forward to reading the stories of others and finding support in knowing that I am far from alone and that if you guys can do it, so can I.
Thank you for reading.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi and welcome. Glad you found us.
I suppose when you're at your parents what you're doing is Acceptance. It is non-negotiable. Acceptance along with Willingness is one of the most powerful tools in recovery. Our will-power doesn't cut it, because if we're alcoholic, a lot of the time our self-will will be in league with our addictive voice and wants us to drink.
Dee has a great thread on here about making a sobriety plan which is well worth a read through. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
As well as this place being a massive help to me , I have found that AA really helped: the fellowship I found there; the meetings to break my after-work routine; and then later, working the steps to learn new ways of dealing with life and relationships and responsible and learning to be truly accountable for myself and my actions, rather than feeling pretty much like a tragic victim of life (and I really did feel that way, like there was nothing I could do to change all the horrible things that happened to me and how they made me feel. ) Life feels very different today. All of it. Even my past, surprisingly enough, which once filled me with rage and bitterness and sadness, and loathing for myself and lots of other people - it has no power over me at all now, and I can even spend time thinking about the happy times without being fearful of bringing a less pretty memory to mind. Recovery really can be very powerful if we're willing to engage with it fully.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
I suppose when you're at your parents what you're doing is Acceptance. It is non-negotiable. Acceptance along with Willingness is one of the most powerful tools in recovery. Our will-power doesn't cut it, because if we're alcoholic, a lot of the time our self-will will be in league with our addictive voice and wants us to drink.
Dee has a great thread on here about making a sobriety plan which is well worth a read through. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
As well as this place being a massive help to me , I have found that AA really helped: the fellowship I found there; the meetings to break my after-work routine; and then later, working the steps to learn new ways of dealing with life and relationships and responsible and learning to be truly accountable for myself and my actions, rather than feeling pretty much like a tragic victim of life (and I really did feel that way, like there was nothing I could do to change all the horrible things that happened to me and how they made me feel. ) Life feels very different today. All of it. Even my past, surprisingly enough, which once filled me with rage and bitterness and sadness, and loathing for myself and lots of other people - it has no power over me at all now, and I can even spend time thinking about the happy times without being fearful of bringing a less pretty memory to mind. Recovery really can be very powerful if we're willing to engage with it fully.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Hello there !
"I am far from alone and that if you guys can do it, so can I. "
You are definitely not alone and everyones road to recovery is unique but keep posting and keep coming back. It will help you.
"I am far from alone and that if you guys can do it, so can I. "
You are definitely not alone and everyones road to recovery is unique but keep posting and keep coming back. It will help you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 87
Welcome to SR Crysania! You'll find lots of great support here. I can relate to a lot of what you write in your post. For me it's been difficult to manage to stay sober by myself, posting on SR is helping me tremendously and I've also started going to AA even though I've always thought it's not for me. It's helpful in shaking up my routine and ending my isolation. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 73
Welcome Crysania!
I can really relate to the daily promise of not drinking tonight and yet, seemingly on auto-pilot still doing it with the same old promise "OK, so I did drink today but I won't do it tomorrow!". I've been sober for 60-70 days now (lost exact count) and it's by far easier than the daily struggle of trying to control my drinking.
I can really relate to the daily promise of not drinking tonight and yet, seemingly on auto-pilot still doing it with the same old promise "OK, so I did drink today but I won't do it tomorrow!". I've been sober for 60-70 days now (lost exact count) and it's by far easier than the daily struggle of trying to control my drinking.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Crysania 
I was involved with an emotionally abusive narcissist for five years when I found a narcissism abuse recovery forum. This month is my five-year anniversary since joining, I am completely free of him. It was a difficult road but I made it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Hi, everyone. Thank you again for the replies. I don't want to be the person who posts then disappears. That won't help me at all, though it may be touch-and-go at times, as I wrestle with the idea of quitting the alcohol.
Berrybean mentioned Acceptance as a reason that I can visit my parents for a week and not drink or smoke and feel very little need to do either. That really struck me, and got me to thinking about it every day since I read it.
It's true, I have completely accepted the fact that drinking and smoking are not even options when I visit, so...how can I use this feeling of acceptance to my advantage for my local, day-to-day life?
On a different note, doggonecarl said, "Good, then treat alcohol like the toxic relationship that it is" in response to my being involved with a narcissist for years but finally being free of him.
This also really made me stop and think. I'd never, ever considered my "relationship" with alcohol to be the equivalent of the relationship with the ex-N. But why not?
Both have caused misery in my life, either emotionally or financially or other ways that I'm not quite ready to mention here. So if I can walk away from one, why not the other?
I have a lot to think about.
Berrybean mentioned Acceptance as a reason that I can visit my parents for a week and not drink or smoke and feel very little need to do either. That really struck me, and got me to thinking about it every day since I read it.
It's true, I have completely accepted the fact that drinking and smoking are not even options when I visit, so...how can I use this feeling of acceptance to my advantage for my local, day-to-day life?
On a different note, doggonecarl said, "Good, then treat alcohol like the toxic relationship that it is" in response to my being involved with a narcissist for years but finally being free of him.
This also really made me stop and think. I'd never, ever considered my "relationship" with alcohol to be the equivalent of the relationship with the ex-N. But why not?
Both have caused misery in my life, either emotionally or financially or other ways that I'm not quite ready to mention here. So if I can walk away from one, why not the other?
I have a lot to think about.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
For me there was acceptance on a couple of levels.
1) that it's the FIRST drink that causes me the problems. That is the one that leads to all the others.
2) that alcohol negatively impacts my life in many diffrent ways. It's worth writing all those ways down so that when our AV starts whispering or shouting (or screaming ) that a drink would be a 'good' idea, we can read through all those reasons for it not being. And Acceptance doesn't necessitate liking it. Or it being comfortable. Or easy. Just a non-negotiable decision, preferably along with a back up plan that will make it as painless as possible. I had no idea how to do this bit, but thankfully the good folk here and AA were ready and quick with suggestions when i struggled with various situations. (I even acted on their advise sometimes and found some real relief lol. I got a lot better at doing that as time went on).
1) that it's the FIRST drink that causes me the problems. That is the one that leads to all the others.
2) that alcohol negatively impacts my life in many diffrent ways. It's worth writing all those ways down so that when our AV starts whispering or shouting (or screaming ) that a drink would be a 'good' idea, we can read through all those reasons for it not being. And Acceptance doesn't necessitate liking it. Or it being comfortable. Or easy. Just a non-negotiable decision, preferably along with a back up plan that will make it as painless as possible. I had no idea how to do this bit, but thankfully the good folk here and AA were ready and quick with suggestions when i struggled with various situations. (I even acted on their advise sometimes and found some real relief lol. I got a lot better at doing that as time went on).
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
