And now this...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
Whatever fears you have JUK or what a bad situation you're in, I think your wife's may just trump them on both counts.
Nows not the time to be self indulgent.
I'm not saying this to be mean but this situation right now isn't about you, JUK.
Whatever you've done or haven't done and what the consequences of that might be is immaterial right now.
Thats another issue for another time,
Find out what the irregularities are and what the course of treatment is.
Support your wife, She must be terrified.
The rest can wait.
Pull it together, man.
Be there for your wife.
D
Nows not the time to be self indulgent.
I'm not saying this to be mean but this situation right now isn't about you, JUK.
Whatever you've done or haven't done and what the consequences of that might be is immaterial right now.
Thats another issue for another time,
Find out what the irregularities are and what the course of treatment is.
Support your wife, She must be terrified.
The rest can wait.
Pull it together, man.
Be there for your wife.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 98
It takes 8 years for abnormal cervical cells to turn cancerous (if they ever do, sometimes a follow-up smear shows the cells have returned to normal). Usually the treatment for abnormal cells is laser treatment, which is enough to cure the problem. Or a cone biopsy if things are a little worse. Thats the point of regular smears, to catch things BEFORE they become a real problem.
To say that you feel guilty and must drink because you feel guilty, is a monumental cop-out.
It's running away. If your wife has to go through the worry of her health problem AND you being drunk, you would be better off being honest about it and leaving her. That way you are openly showing her what you are doing (instead of covertly leaving her to it by getting drunk). Plus she won't have to put up with you drinking and coping with you using her as an excuse to drink.
Or, you can be a man, think about someone other than yourself, and be there for her to lean on.
To say that you feel guilty and must drink because you feel guilty, is a monumental cop-out.
It's running away. If your wife has to go through the worry of her health problem AND you being drunk, you would be better off being honest about it and leaving her. That way you are openly showing her what you are doing (instead of covertly leaving her to it by getting drunk). Plus she won't have to put up with you drinking and coping with you using her as an excuse to drink.
Or, you can be a man, think about someone other than yourself, and be there for her to lean on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
That's the point though. I'm not a man I'm a worthless piece of ****. I infect the people around me - literally - and my wife and sons would be better off without me. My only hope of redemption is that I have a decent life insurance policy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Some more than others but, eventually all will be tested in sobriety.
It's how we react to the testing that counts most.
Most alcoholics made weak discissions when they were drinking.
A good reason for us to stay sober today.
M-Bob
It's how we react to the testing that counts most.
Most alcoholics made weak discissions when they were drinking.
A good reason for us to stay sober today.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 296
I went through this a decade ago. I had a cone biopsy which is a very simple procedure to remove abnormal cells. It's day surgery. No pain. 10 years later and all my Pap smears have been normal since. I have several friends who have been through it. Your wife has abnormal cells and its not cancer yet. She can be completely cured. Yes, it is caused by HPV which is an Std so although you might have some explaining to do please be reassured that your wife will be cured and healthy.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
OK. The whole thrust of my posts has been towards encouraging you to take your responsibilities in hand and to see you're not a piece of ****, but someone trying to do better...
who wouldn't want to do the right thing and live right if they were given the opportunity of a second chance JUK?
I'm sure your wife and boys would disagree.with your self assessment.
The way of thinking is only good for one thing and one thing only...more drinking.
Maybe you can ring a crisis line or something JUK - the Samaritans perhaps.....it might help to talk to someone?
I hope you continue to make the kind of good decisions that have gotten you to nearly 90 days.
Even the worst person in the world can change...remember St Paul on the road to Damascus?
D
who wouldn't want to do the right thing and live right if they were given the opportunity of a second chance JUK?
I'm sure your wife and boys would disagree.with your self assessment.
The way of thinking is only good for one thing and one thing only...more drinking.
Maybe you can ring a crisis line or something JUK - the Samaritans perhaps.....it might help to talk to someone?
I hope you continue to make the kind of good decisions that have gotten you to nearly 90 days.
Even the worst person in the world can change...remember St Paul on the road to Damascus?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
To be honest this latest situation hasn't really made me want to drink. I'm now on 91 days and despite drinking every day for many years I don't really feel any cravings, even when there is alcohol around (which isn't very often)
What's sad is that I was thinking that I had really achieved something getting sober and was saving money for my family and being a better person and this just really trashes all that positive feeling. I had thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, I could 'get away with it' - I mean turn a new corner, put the past behind me, put the bad things behind me and move on to something better. But now this situation is just pulling me back and telling me I can't escape the awful things I have done. So despite getting sober, despite trying to be a good Dad I could still lose it all
Like I say I don't really feel the urge to drink now - I've had plenty of chances to and didn't - my resolve feels strong right now, and being on here helps that - but I really don't know how strong it would be if everything falls apart with my wife
Total self-destruction always seems to be there, just lurking around the corner
What's sad is that I was thinking that I had really achieved something getting sober and was saving money for my family and being a better person and this just really trashes all that positive feeling. I had thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, I could 'get away with it' - I mean turn a new corner, put the past behind me, put the bad things behind me and move on to something better. But now this situation is just pulling me back and telling me I can't escape the awful things I have done. So despite getting sober, despite trying to be a good Dad I could still lose it all
Like I say I don't really feel the urge to drink now - I've had plenty of chances to and didn't - my resolve feels strong right now, and being on here helps that - but I really don't know how strong it would be if everything falls apart with my wife
Total self-destruction always seems to be there, just lurking around the corner
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
What's sad is that I was thinking that I had really achieved something getting sober and was saving money for my family and being a better person and this just really trashes all that positive feeling
it trashes the feeling, JUK, not the facts of achieving three sober months and learning how to be a more present dad, husband, person.
those things remain.
feelings change.
and we have choices over how or if we feed them.
you can choose NOT to feed these feelings which just drag you towards one solution.
your initial question was How the hell do I cope now without getting completely off my head??? , and my response to that would be to know that feelings aren't facts, and i'd practice (yes, practice, as in deliberately put attention to and keep going back to) gratitude for the fact that i'm sober and therefore able to now really BE there for my family when things get rough for someone else and all of us.
it trashes the feeling, JUK, not the facts of achieving three sober months and learning how to be a more present dad, husband, person.
those things remain.
feelings change.
and we have choices over how or if we feed them.
you can choose NOT to feed these feelings which just drag you towards one solution.
your initial question was How the hell do I cope now without getting completely off my head??? , and my response to that would be to know that feelings aren't facts, and i'd practice (yes, practice, as in deliberately put attention to and keep going back to) gratitude for the fact that i'm sober and therefore able to now really BE there for my family when things get rough for someone else and all of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Well the thing is I am staying sober but there is all hell around the corner when I have to face up to what I have done and be honest with my wife. I don't know what will come out the other side. She is in a desperate state and I have done something so bad I'm not sure it can be forgiven.
I notice my post has had hundreds of views compared to replies - I know that's because my situation is so reprehensible and unpalatable for so many people - I feel shamed and judged but fair enough - I deserve it
I notice my post has had hundreds of views compared to replies - I know that's because my situation is so reprehensible and unpalatable for so many people - I feel shamed and judged but fair enough - I deserve it
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
There are lots and lots of lurkers here, most of whom are desperately ashamed of things done while drunk (raising hand) and if anything, they're thinking about their own stuff and feeling bad for you. If you look at other threads, the view to reply ratio here is pretty typical.
Oh, and they're hoping you stay sober.
Maybe don't assume that others are judging you? I do it, too, and it's an enormous waste of energy and I'm usually wrong, anyway.
Oh, and they're hoping you stay sober.
Maybe don't assume that others are judging you? I do it, too, and it's an enormous waste of energy and I'm usually wrong, anyway.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
P.S. Do some research on HPV, which is the most likely scenario (but certainly not the only one...her results may have nothing to do with sexual contact).
She could have had the virus for years and it's now cropping up because of age or stress. It could be a testing anomaly and resolve itself before the next test...I assume the next step is a repeat Pap or a colposcopy?
I have been through this, had a cone biopsy and had normal tests ever since.
The point is, none of this is a reason for you to resume drinking. None.
At some point, you may well need to address the past with her, preferably with some professional guidance. But right now is about her, yes? You getting drunk will only make things worse for her as well as for you.
She could have had the virus for years and it's now cropping up because of age or stress. It could be a testing anomaly and resolve itself before the next test...I assume the next step is a repeat Pap or a colposcopy?
I have been through this, had a cone biopsy and had normal tests ever since.
The point is, none of this is a reason for you to resume drinking. None.
At some point, you may well need to address the past with her, preferably with some professional guidance. But right now is about her, yes? You getting drunk will only make things worse for her as well as for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Thanks for your posts Aries. I am trying to stay strong, and sober, but there really is nothing worse than betraying someone's trust. My wife is walking around the house in tears saying she can't understand how this has happened when I know the reason it has happened and am too much of a coward to admit it
If I tell her the truth it would be fair of her to want me to leave the family forever, then I truly have nothing. After that what would the point be in not drinking
If I tell her the truth it would be fair of her to want me to leave the family forever, then I truly have nothing. After that what would the point be in not drinking
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I have been through what your wife is going through. I would not leap off cliff yet because it's probably nothing to worry about. These " abnormalities" happen.
I think there is a lot of reaction taking place and you don't even know if there is a problem.
I think there is a lot of reaction taking place and you don't even know if there is a problem.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by JUK 
I notice my post has had hundreds of views compared to replies - I know that's because my situation is so reprehensible and unpalatable for so many people - I feel shamed and judged but fair enough - I deserve it
now, take a few minutes to look at all of the other threads here. see how many views and replies on them?
the reasons why the difference in views and replies varies, but it has nothing to do with what you perceive.
now onto solutions
1st a drink wont help.
now,throw out the asskikin machine. it aint helpin you or your wife.
now, reread the replies here. theres more solutions.
and im sure there will be others along with experience that will give more solutions
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how about instead of wallowing in self pity, you do something proactive - like go get yourself tested. that is the only way you will know if your transmitted anything to your wife.
abnormal pap smears happen all the time. retesting will help determine the cause IF there is one.
you will have to decide which will win out...honesty or shame. shame will be your excuse to drink again.
abnormal pap smears happen all the time. retesting will help determine the cause IF there is one.
you will have to decide which will win out...honesty or shame. shame will be your excuse to drink again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
I notice my post has had hundreds of views compared to replies - I know that's because my situation is so reprehensible and unpalatable for so many people - I feel shamed and judged but fair enough - I deserve it
We all have regrets about things we did when actively drinking.
I'd be surprised if anyone thought you reprehensible, quite honestly
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
you know, JUK, earlier you mentioned that you had thought that just maybeyou had turned a corner, so here's the thing about turning corners: you do that in moments of decision, and take a new turn from the old direction, and then you follow up on the turn with action.
so really, we don't know if we have rurned orners until we are at points of decision and then make the one that is a new turning.
In a real wy, then, this here is a turning point, and you have the opportunity to turn a new corner now.
for honesty, love and care with and for others.
you are right, the outcome is unknown, but the turning of the corner is in your control, is your choice.
so really, we don't know if we have rurned orners until we are at points of decision and then make the one that is a new turning.
In a real wy, then, this here is a turning point, and you have the opportunity to turn a new corner now.
for honesty, love and care with and for others.
you are right, the outcome is unknown, but the turning of the corner is in your control, is your choice.
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