Suski61

Hi all,
Thank you for letting me be a part of this community. I am not sure where to post this though. But I am the partner of an alcoholic, who got dumped after 6 years for being to 'pushy' about his alcohol abuse. It's only now that we are no longer living together that I have become aware of how much he really drinks. I think i have managed to somehow bury my head in the sand for all those years. I have kidded myself for years, telling myself that things weren't so bad, that it is actually quite OK to get totally wasted on every night out and every holiday, and that it was just me being boring. I have the occasional glass of wine with dinner (about once per month or even less) but that is all. So basically, I don't drink. But now he has kicked me out for being boring and pushy, but every time I come over I find empty beer cans all over the house. Last Saturday I came over at 2 pm, and he was still drunk. It's always been tricky but never this bad. And obviously I'm the one with the problem, not he, is what he tells me. I don't want to get into any more details. After reading a few posts here I realise it's just really bad. And there is only one thing for me to do, and that is to step away. We have been seeing each other more or less every day since the break-up, but he said something about having 'a few' beers last night that somehow made me realise that I can't do this anymore. I can't deal with the lies and empty promises , and the false hope that he will sort himself out.

And I have also realised that I need help. I still love him with all my heart, and if there was anything I could do to help him, I would. But over the years I have gotten angry, I begged, pleaded, almost left, cried, you name it. Nothing has had any kind of impact. I live in a country where there's no A-A, or if there is, they speak a language I don't speak (again, don't want to go into too many details). But can someone please tell me what to do? We don't have kids together, but we share custody of our pets. Although I am rather reluctant to have them stay with him, I have to admit. Any friends he had are long gone, our mutual friends have all been aware of the problem, probably much longer than I have. His kids are grown up, and basically he has no-one left and lives in the middle of nowhere. He made a few half-hearted attempts at getting help, but that never lasted for very long. I have a nice apartment, friends, a job that I love and no addictions whatsoever. (OK, chocolate :-) ).

Are there any (ex-)partners here who are going through the same thing?

I'm very worried that something really bad will happen to him soon, I can't shake that feeling. I'm just so scared and worried.... Can someone please tell me what to do?

Thanks for listening...
S.

PhoenixJ

Suski- I am the ******** that destroyed my family with drinking. It got to the point I was so consumed with booze- I died 3 times from burns because I was drinking. My family disowned me at that point and have not seen them since. I respect and understand (now. their choice- it was their sanity and survival.) We were married 30 years. I was the master (?) of my fate- or perhaps more to the point- my loved ones were not able to be responsible for me. They have their own lives to lead. As do you. What ever happens to the addicted person is their responsibility. I was written off- they thought I was a vegetable. I got out of it- BY MY CHOICE (15 months sober). No one else could. Live your life. It is sad for the addicted, but that is not in your control Live your life. Support to you. PJ

Suski61

Thank you for your reply PJ. It sounds like you have come a long way indeed. And I really hope your family will find their way back to you one day.

I know that you are right, I know I have to let him go. It's just really hard to watch someone you care about so much, going down the drain like this. I'm sure your family felt the same about you. But good on ya for being sober for 15 months!

Forward12

This is pretty much alcoholic staple actions of blaming everyone around them for their drinking, and not accepting the fact they have a problem. Codependency is a major issue as well that is often times, and sometimes even more toxic than the alcoholism.
Saying away would be the best plan of action for yourself, to focus on your own recovery away from the madness. The forum also has a "family and friends of alcoholics" section worth checking out with many others in your shoes.

Suski61

Thank you, I will definitely go and look for that. I know I am not alone in this, but it's rather hard to find other people in the same situation. Thanks!

VigilanceNow

Hi Suski,
This is such a common problem. I was the alcoholic in my relationship, and my ex was similar in being what I perceived as pushy and controlling. My friends thought he was emotionally abusive because he didn't want me coming back drunk (I was usually not just drunk but smashed). It ruined our dynamic and his trust in me.

It's true what they say... You can force someone to show up to a meeting, but can't force them to change. I went to meetings but still snuck booze. He eventually broke up with me because my presence was terrible and unsafe. I wouldn't trust him with pets... If he drinks on his own, that's totally not secure.

I hope you find peace with this!!!

Suski61

Yes, he does. He usually starts around 9 pm and I have no idea when he stops. Around 3 am I think. I'd like to think he really loves our pets and that he will keep them safe, but deep down I'm really not that sure.

VigilanceNow

I'm sure he loves them... My ex and I had a cat, whom I adore, but even that couldn't keep me from engaging in risky behavior. He couldn't trust me in the kitchen because I left the stove on once and burned a pot... It could've been bad. If he's drinking that much every day, he's very likely seriously addicted and needs a detox.

I got to that point a few times... Felt the shakes and tremors and foggy head, and you'll do anything to get it to stop. Even if it means taking a few shots or a beer or whatever. Detox only takes a few days...

Suski61

I've started to notice the shakes and tremors recently. He promised to take care of our three cats next week because I am having a friend over for three nights and I live in a one-bedroom apartment. I'll better keep a very close eye on it (he lives 10 minutes away) and I'll never do it again, that's for sure.

ZenButterfly

You might want to try the Friends & Family forum, also

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information