Hercules

So Iam 5 months sober and feeling better than I have for as long as I remember, lost weight mediating daily and doing yoga.

The obsession to drink has left me and Iam slowly getting use to building my life sober it's not easy but Iam taking it one day at a time.

The problem is I recently signed up for a dating website and met a nice lady and we connected over phone and text and we arranged to meet on the weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable about going on a date to a restaurant and not drinking my anxiety and AV are having a field day and I was even considering drinking for ONE night lol I know how mad that thought is lol.

So my question is what shall I do ? Do I tell her the truth about my past with alcohol and that Iam 5 months sober and don't feel comfortable in a restaurant on a date and sober ? Or do I go and hope for the best ?

It's really frustrating as i just want to be a normal person and do normal things and it upsets me.

Thanks for reading and any advice

Herc

kellyrally

Hmm tough one but I think it's best to be honest with her and with yourself. Perhaps it is just too soon? I know dating for me will be a big trigger for wanting to drink so I'm not planning on going on any for a while.

Soberwolf

I think taking on both is too early & could easily become overwhelming i had my last real serious craving at month 5

my worry is because it's a dating site what happens if it doesn't work out - I'm not being pessimistic just practical

My advice is postpone the meet up & keep getting to know her over the phone

Excellent work on 5 months sober Herc

PhoenixJ

Welcome- if it were me, I would say I do not drink for my health, but not go into the whole corded (mine) story. I would not lie and say anything that may say- not drinking, but usually do.

FreedomCA

A lot of people wait one year into sobriety before dating.

Mattq2

I prioritize my sober time over all other things. If it makes me uncomfortable then I just don't attempt it until I feel strong enough. I can't really help with the dating stuff as I've been married for thirty years. I'm sure you will make a good decision. Congrats on five months. Excellent job

Dee74

Waiting is good, like the others have said...but I fell into something around 5-6 months. I made a lot of mistakes - but I'm still in that relationship.

Introduce yourself as a non drinker - maybe even pick a BYO restaurant.
If she's not into non drinkers she's not for you.

If you're going to date I think you need to be VERY upfront about being a non drinker...

the rest of the story I think should wait a couple more dates

D

PhoenixJ

I read SW- for me, getting sober and working myself out in my recovery, now- would be too overwhelming for me or others.

LadyBlue0527

There's a lot of red flags in your post Hercules.

In my opinion all of them scream that it's too soon because you're admitting this is triggering you. Your mind is trying to tell you it might be ok to drink for one night. That alone is enough to tell you to run from this idea.

This is nerving you up and that's a warning sign.

This is all on me but I want to mention this. You could be completely above board but the below statement is what would creep into my mind when I was getting put off by being sober and feeling like I was missing something. Those words were really me wanting to drink because normal to me was people who could drink.

If you're set on doing this why make it in a setting where there's alcohol? Why not go somewhere for coffee? Or, are there any walking paths or parks nearby? How about a stroll?

ccam1973

Hercules, congratulations on your sober time, that's great!

By going and just "hoping for the best", you are setting yourself up to fail. Even in your words, you have already failed. Believe me, I have been there too.

If you go, you must have a solid plan. I also think it's way too early to tackle going out unless you tell her the truth.

She will either accept your new life or she won't; at least you will find out early on which direction she will pick.

The longer you stay sober, the more normal sobriety becomes. I've got over 2.5 years and not drinking is now my norm. You will get there too.

Always have a plan, give yourself the best chance at success. You won't regret it.

Good luck, lean on this community as much as you can.

Grymt

It depends. Bad boys get laid more. Good boys not so much but at least you remember. What are you after. Do you want to be a non drinker. If so honesty and consistency is recommended. I suppose in a long term relationship honesty and consistency are signs of integrity and strength which I understand are desirable qualities. Like I said what, in the grand scheme of things are you after.

Hercules

Some great responses as usual...

I mentioned Iam not feeling comfortable with he whole restaurant and eating out idea as a first date as my anxiety is fuelling my want to drink to get through it. Her response was ok let's meet first tonight and then go out Friday to a restaurant she's ok with the not drinking but can't understand what the problem is with going and not drinking, but let's but to be honest how could she understand.

I don't know if it's anxiety or early sobriety or both that's making it a problem.?
As sober dating is completely new to me I have always had alcohol to back me up.

Has anyone struggled with this stuff and it's been resolved after longer sobriety or am I always going to have this anxiety and need to just go through it.

My anxiety was really bad at month 4 but has settled down big time, maybe I just need to be honest and accept it's to early to date. But then I think am i just letting being uncomfortable ruin my life and need to just do it.

Thanks

Hercules

As for the bad boys get laid more lol I have done more than my fair share of that drinking and Iam looking for something much Deeper than just sex...

Maudcat

Hi, Hercules. Maybe it's the whole dinner out thing. Would she be up for a meet and greet walk with possibility of a casual bite to eat? Daytime dates are much less fraught, I think.

D122y

Go on the date.

You don't drink. You don't have to say you are an alky.

The coolest answer I know is..... I like to stay fully in control. I don't use drugs or alcohol anymore.

If she wants to drink she can, but you don't drink anymore.

That is what I do with folks.

She might get tipsy and decide to fall in love with you.

It will be a trigger.

Embrace your sobriety.

The anxiety does fade away. I had horrible anxiety, at times, for well over a year.

Now, at near 2 years sober, it is pretty much gone except in just a few situations. Based on that continuous progress, I expect continued reduction in anxiety as sober days add up.

Finally, you know you will regret a relapse. People like us do not drink anymore. Deep down, I fear alcohol. The cool commercials on tv are marketing hype. Booze is poison.

Thanks.

August252015

I believe I am a normal person, who is a recovering alcoholic. I have consistently put myself in situations where I was safe, and set up for (sober) success. Early on as you are (congrats on 5 mo!!) I still had a tight circle of those in my life. I began a relationship about this time but it is a true rarity - my high school bf, also in recovery, and our life is built on individual and collective growth and living sober together as we build everything we want. That's the only kind of relationship I could have; it is now the only one I can ever imagine having.

It would have been too soon - maybe always too soon- to give any other kind a shot. My sobriety still (and always will) comes absolutely first, over everything else. Even my soon to be fiance, or any family or [ ] ....

I find that worrying about what "people" think or trying to live like I think "normal people" do is pointless, peace-stealing and disturb-ment inducing.

For me, AA and God are the solution. I live a wonderful life as ME - and wouldn't trade being an alcoholic for anything since it has led me to this life.

Good luck.

Hercules

I just told her it's to soon as Iam not feeling strong enough to not drink. And my anxiety is telling me I can't do it. She said thanks for wasting my time .....

Iam really pissed off with myself and feel like a worthless fool who can't even go in a date as he's so messed up. Can't be happy drinking and now can't do dates sober.
I feel worthless and it's not good. I should not even have bothered.

AnvilheadII

hmmm, i think HER reply says more about HER, herc.

you were honest. you put your sobriety first. it's not like you left her at the alter!

MsCooterBrown

Thanks for wasting my time? You bit the bullet on that b!tch. You could have ended up with a non compassionate cold lady and ended up in the Friends and Family section! My take on it. When it is right...you will meet. Not into the horror stories of the dating sites. You are a person trying to change your life and better yourself. Sometimes that requires a bit of solitude. Take care.

hypochondriac

Well done for protecting yourself Hercules. I am not sure if I waited a year before dating... I think I did but can't remember. What I do remember is that my reasons for dating again weren't solid, it was more of an emotional response to a bad situation, and it made me struggle more for quite a while. I am still with the person I started dating and while there are some positives there are also a lot of negatives that don't help me figure out if I did the right thing. I would say focus just on you. Adding someone elses **** to the pile isn't always a good thing. Ultimately people are only looking out for their best interests and you are the only one who can look after yours. It doesn't mean you're messed up, it means you're recovering. I will be honest and say that my first few years sober I was an anxious wreck. That's totally normal and to be expected. In time things will get alot better