5 months sober and need advise .....
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sounds like she was counting on an all-expenses-paid boozy night out?
Seriously, if you not drinking is a deal killer for her, you dodged a bullet. The pressure to drink would have only gotten worse.
Sending you a hug.
Seriously, if you not drinking is a deal killer for her, you dodged a bullet. The pressure to drink would have only gotten worse.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Personally, I agree with those who have suggested to wait before going out on a date. But...if you feel strong enough and you think you can manage it...Why not do some sort of an activity that won't tempt you to drink or make you feel uncomfortable: go for hike, bike ride, walk, gym, amusement park, see a movie...Who says you have to go out to dinner on a first date? jus' sa'in
Congrats on 5 months!
Congrats on 5 months!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by Hercules 
So Iam 5 months sober and feeling better than I have for as long as I remember, lost weight mediating daily and doing yoga.
The obsession to drink has left me and Iam slowly getting use to building my life sober it's not easy but Iam taking it one day at a time.
The problem is I recently signed up for a dating website and met a nice lady and we connected over phone and text and we arranged to meet on the weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable about going on a date to a restaurant and not drinking my anxiety and AV are having a field day and I was even considering drinking for ONE night lol I know how mad that thought is lol.
So my question is what shall I do ? Do I tell her the truth about my past with alcohol and that Iam 5 months sober and don't feel comfortable in a restaurant on a date and sober ? Or do I go and hope for the best ?
It's really frustrating as i just want to be a normal person and do normal things and it upsets me.
Thanks for reading and any advice
Herc
The obsession to drink has left me and Iam slowly getting use to building my life sober it's not easy but Iam taking it one day at a time.
The problem is I recently signed up for a dating website and met a nice lady and we connected over phone and text and we arranged to meet on the weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable about going on a date to a restaurant and not drinking my anxiety and AV are having a field day and I was even considering drinking for ONE night lol I know how mad that thought is lol.
So my question is what shall I do ? Do I tell her the truth about my past with alcohol and that Iam 5 months sober and don't feel comfortable in a restaurant on a date and sober ? Or do I go and hope for the best ?
It's really frustrating as i just want to be a normal person and do normal things and it upsets me.
Thanks for reading and any advice
Herc
As to when you should tell someone about the alcohol issue, I don't think there is a hard and fast rule there, you probably need to feel that out. It may not be an appropriate conversation for a first date. I would be clear early on that you don't drink, but the reason why you don't drink is not necessarily something you need to bring out right away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 145
Good for you for going with your gut and being transparent. I had someone wanting to date me in early days/weeks of recovery. He was a drinker but said "that won't matter. I can take it or leave it." I flat out told him I needed a year to figure this crazy world of sobriety and myself out.
I'm not saying you should do this, but I'd be transparent from the get go so you don't "waste anyone's time" (what a beeyah!)
I know the right person is out there, for me. But I want him to meet the "real", sober me. I want to be comfortable in my new skin and have more sobriety time under my belt.
Regardless, you do YOU. Not sure where you are at but there's a site called "meetup.com" that has groups for just about anything, including sober groups who go out and do things together.
5 months is awesome! Don't let this bring you down. Chalk it up to a learning experience in your "New" life!
I'm not saying you should do this, but I'd be transparent from the get go so you don't "waste anyone's time" (what a beeyah!)
I know the right person is out there, for me. But I want him to meet the "real", sober me. I want to be comfortable in my new skin and have more sobriety time under my belt.
Regardless, you do YOU. Not sure where you are at but there's a site called "meetup.com" that has groups for just about anything, including sober groups who go out and do things together.
5 months is awesome! Don't let this bring you down. Chalk it up to a learning experience in your "New" life!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Meet at a coffee place. Get coffee and go for a stroll if it's nice.
I don't think it matters if you wait til six months sober, one year sober, or five years sober, until you've gone on a date sober, you're always going to be nervous about going on a date sober. LoL
We have to face the situations we're afraid of in order to learn how to cope with them sober. Or else you're just prolonging the inevitable. I can see you want to date and move on from there.
I also think first dates are not the time for deep conversations - ie, opening up about addiction. So I think you are right to want to avoid a place with a bar.
I don't think it matters if you wait til six months sober, one year sober, or five years sober, until you've gone on a date sober, you're always going to be nervous about going on a date sober. LoL
We have to face the situations we're afraid of in order to learn how to cope with them sober. Or else you're just prolonging the inevitable. I can see you want to date and move on from there.
I also think first dates are not the time for deep conversations - ie, opening up about addiction. So I think you are right to want to avoid a place with a bar.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
Saying thanks for wasting my time might just be about her feeling rejected. You are strong enough to want to put yourself and your sobriety first and that's a good thing. You might not feel strong enough to not drink but you have shown to yourself that you can be strong enough to say no to situations where you might drink. That's a good place to get to this early in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Hercules
I just told her it's to soon as Iam not feeling strong enough to not drink. And my anxiety is telling me I can't do it. She said thanks for wasting my time .....
Someone mentioned "you dodged a bullet"? I concur! You saw her true colors my friend. It's a good thing you didn't waste YOUR time! Most certainly, she is not a kind person. What a
All I can say is someone is looking out for you Herc! I wouldn't give it a second thought.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
She said thanks for wasting my time .....
Iam really pissed off with myself and feel like a worthless fool who can't even go in a date as he's so messed up. Can't be happy drinking and now can't do dates sober.
I feel worthless and it's not good. I should not even have bothered.
I feel worthless and it's not good. I should not even have bothered.
It might be too soon now but it won't be that way always.
We all grow and change and get better at this sober thing - you will too.
Noone would stay sober if they didn't get everything they wanted - you'll be OK.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Hey there, thanks for your post. This is such a great topic. We alcoholics and addicts deserve to have romantic companionships too. Although you have to be careful and might want to "play the tape forward" if things didn't turn out how you wanted them to. Would you drink over it? I'm currently in a relationship with someone who is pretty amazing. I've made it clear to her that i don't drink. She's very accepting and i feel that my sobriety attracts her to me even more. She's getting to know the "true" me.
Just be careful as many people know relationships can be rocky and i can see why veterans in the program suggest waiting a year. Emotions with a romantic relationship can be a trigger for alot of us. Good luck!
Just be careful as many people know relationships can be rocky and i can see why veterans in the program suggest waiting a year. Emotions with a romantic relationship can be a trigger for alot of us. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hercules - don't feel like a worthless fool! You had the courage to be honest and protect your sobriety. 5 months is awesome - but we still have to learn to navigate the world sober, and this was a learning experience
I can tell you one of the things I used to do when I was drinking was use dating apps to find drinking buddies, as my real friends wouldn't enable. If you don't protect your sobriety in new relationships, it will come out eventually anyway.
I also agree with the others - you don't have to announce that you're an alcoholic. I think most people are understanding, and if they're not, you don't want to be around them anyway!! Good for you, another victory!
I can tell you one of the things I used to do when I was drinking was use dating apps to find drinking buddies, as my real friends wouldn't enable. If you don't protect your sobriety in new relationships, it will come out eventually anyway.
I also agree with the others - you don't have to announce that you're an alcoholic. I think most people are understanding, and if they're not, you don't want to be around them anyway!!
Good for you, another victory!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 605
Do not be hard on yourself. You knew deep down that there was a good chance you would drink and you took it upon yourself to not do it. To me you exhibited great self awareness and discipline. These are not traits of fools.
Someone that is right for you would understand and give you your space. She's just not right for you. Better to have learned that fact early then go on for months and year to then find out.
Someone that is right for you would understand and give you your space. She's just not right for you. Better to have learned that fact early then go on for months and year to then find out.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
