Slipped on day four. Will this ever end?
 

I was four days clean today. Withdrawal has been moderately painful, but nothing awful as I haven't been using a whole lot. But that nasty voice crept in telling me "just one more time."

I'm so sick of this. I have to stop. I have a drug test for my new job next Friday and I won't pass if I don't stop today. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I feel so alone and worthless. Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to die a junkie like so many of my friends.

I have no money now, and bills are piling up. My new job won't start until the middle of the month, and I won't get paid for another two weeks after that. The job I have now is hanging by a thread, and I only get about two shifts a week anyway.

I'm trying to be positive and move forward, because tomorrow is a new day, and I don't have to use. But right now it's hard to see the point in even trying.

i have a very good friend who lost her job thru no fault of her own, months ago, and had not yet be able to land a new job. and she's 10 years clean! but ya know what, she isn't using over it. she treasures her recovery NO MATTER WHAT.

you have a lot to look forward to. right now you feel like crap cuz you used. that's how it works. so hitch up them big girl sober panties and get back on track!!!! good luck with the new job and the new opportunities.

This will be the last time you ever have to feel this way, stay clean!

Sorry to hear that Kitten. Maybe it's time to take some drastic action? Have you thought of recovery meetings or maybe even rehab? No one is "destined" to keep using, you have say in the matter, ever though it might not feel like it at times. There's lots of folks here on SR that can help too if you are ready to commit.

Been to any meetings?

Like I said to someone else KM - you went for the default action, When you start taining yourself to make good decisions, with the help of popple here and whatever other support you have, in time those good choices will become your default.

Just because we never have doesn't mean we never will :)

D

Thank you for the support everyone.

I should have called my sponsor or gone to a meeting, but I just didn't. I don't know why it's so hard for me in the moment to do the right thing. I know what I should do, but I'll do the wrong thing anyway.

I've been to rehab countless times, and I've been in AA for years. At my last rehab (a long term residential treatment center which I've attended twice, each time for over a year), the director told me that there isn't much more rehab can do for me because I know what I have to do at this point. And he's right. I know the program works if I work it, because it's worked in my life and in the lives of plenty of friends. But I just keep screwing up. I don't know if it's a lack of willingness or faith, or what. I just always blow it.

Detox might be helpful, but it's not something I can feasibly do right now due to work and finances. I live alone and my family are staunch Al-Anon members who cut the financial cord long ago.

I think the best thing I can do for myself right now is to get honest with my sponsor and my AA friends while I'm detoxing myself. That way when I have a day like today it will be easier for me to pick up the phone and call one of them before I call my dealer. I'm also getting ready to delete the numbers of all my drug connections and throwing my paraphernalia in the garbage. I should have done that from the start.

Anyway, I'm just going to buckle down and do this. I have to.

KittenMittens- that sounds like a good plan. You do know what to do and it will get easier the more you do it. The longer you work the plan the better your mindset will be. :)

Congrats on the new job! Hang in there! please be careful while detoxing and reach out for help if you need it.

Just blocked and deleted the numbers of all my connects, and destroyed my needles. It was hard to do. I guess it was a comfort thing knowing I had the numbers and the rigs if I needed them. But I feel good having done it.

I hope this can be your defining moment KM :)

D

Seems like some good decisions and determination.
You can do anything when you want it bad enough.
Keep posting your progress...we care !

Thank you guys so much :)

Maybe you need to do some work around your relationship with your Higher Power?

Freedom,

You are probably very right. I struggle with giving my will up. And with having the faith that my Higher Power will take care of me.

If anyone has any reccomendations regarding how I can work on that, I'd appreciate it. I have been working prayer and meditation into my day, morning and night, and throughout the day. But I'm still struggling.

I'm reading an amazing spiritual book called "The Spirituality of Imperfection" by Ernest Kurtz.

Acceptance is the best foundation to build recovery upon don't beat yourself up you got this

I LOVE "The Spirtuality of Imperfection." I have it around here somewhere. Perhaps I should get it out and read it again.

And, yes, acceptance is key. I need to remember that.

KittenMittens, this just made wish I could jump right through the Internet and physically shout (kindly but loudly) to you: NO!

No, you do not have to die a junkie. No, you will not lose your life to this. No, no, no! You are not worthless. Your life is a gift and you must not sacrifice it to this rapacious, heartless beast called Addiction.

❤ Thank you for the kind words.

I hope you can get back on track. I am now on Day 9 and understand how difficult this process is. There are times when I crave a drink to just relax and calm down, but I know deep down that I cannot stop at one drink, and that drinking can bring devastating consequences to my life. As someone mentioned in one of my posts, I just need to persevere, take care of myself and continue to get support. I wish that I did not have to have this struggle in my life, but I have no choice. You just have to keep on trying and learn from your mistakes and continue to make changes in your life that can help you stay sober longer.