A success story (for now)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA Virginia
Posts: 294
A success story (for now)
I'm here as a success story (so far). In one week I will have 6 months sober. I am still in disbelief that I've actually done this and let me tell you nothing is better. My life has done a 360. Maybe some of this will be inspiring for those of you struggling, because I have been there. I am an alcoholic and will be for the rest of my life, that will keep me in recovery. One drink, one beer, one glass of wine - can't happen and I know that for sure.
My addiction was really bad for the past 5 years but I have been a drinker for over 30 years. When I think back, which is good because it helps me remember how bad it really was and makes me certain I don't want to go back.
I drank Vodka daily and hid it most of the time. I would get 2 pints on the way home from work on a daily basis. Weekends were more. I'd get sick, and drink to get over it. I would take Vodka to work in a water bottle. I have peed my pants on many occasions. I have thrown up in grocery bags, trash cans, sinks, the side of the road, etc. I would drink at the bars and drink mini bottles in the bathroom because the bar didn't make them strong enough or quick enough. I was suffer blackouts and would argue with my husband every time. I would always have a bottle in my purse and would feel panicky if I was close to running out. I would drink at night, in the bed, while my husband slept. I would make sure I got to the liquor store every day, because at least I knew if I bought bigger bottles they would not last through the night. The store clerks all knew me. I've been to weddings, funerals, family gatherings, all under the influence. Evidently it was not THAT obvious until the end of the evening when it would all catch up with me, but I was still buzzed. Yes, I am ashamed but I drove too. I would make excuses to get out of the house to go buy liquor, alone, such needing groceries or wanting to shop.
I got to my "breaking point" when I drove out to get beer after drinking beer and vodka and eating pot brownies. I ended up in a store parking lot, in my own neighborhood confused as to where I was. I made it home and the next day I quit.
I went to a women's AA meeting and took ONE DAY A TIME, which sounds cliché but it's the truth that is the only way to do it.
I was about to lose my job, my husband, time with my daughter and grandchildren. I was at the end. Next was death.
I'm still not sure how I got her, but I am doing great. I have a new exciting job, great relationships, more money in my pocket and a great future.
I will never drink again. I know I can't drink again. I am an alcoholic but I like myself now. I know it is a deadly poison to me. I would not drink antifreeze and I won't drink alcohol of any type.
I'm sorry for the long post. For the newcomers, please keep trying. If I can do it you can do it. And...for those twenty or thirty somethings, do it now. Don't waste any more of your life doing this.
All my best to you all,
not2late
My addiction was really bad for the past 5 years but I have been a drinker for over 30 years. When I think back, which is good because it helps me remember how bad it really was and makes me certain I don't want to go back.
I drank Vodka daily and hid it most of the time. I would get 2 pints on the way home from work on a daily basis. Weekends were more. I'd get sick, and drink to get over it. I would take Vodka to work in a water bottle. I have peed my pants on many occasions. I have thrown up in grocery bags, trash cans, sinks, the side of the road, etc. I would drink at the bars and drink mini bottles in the bathroom because the bar didn't make them strong enough or quick enough. I was suffer blackouts and would argue with my husband every time. I would always have a bottle in my purse and would feel panicky if I was close to running out. I would drink at night, in the bed, while my husband slept. I would make sure I got to the liquor store every day, because at least I knew if I bought bigger bottles they would not last through the night. The store clerks all knew me. I've been to weddings, funerals, family gatherings, all under the influence. Evidently it was not THAT obvious until the end of the evening when it would all catch up with me, but I was still buzzed. Yes, I am ashamed but I drove too. I would make excuses to get out of the house to go buy liquor, alone, such needing groceries or wanting to shop.
I got to my "breaking point" when I drove out to get beer after drinking beer and vodka and eating pot brownies. I ended up in a store parking lot, in my own neighborhood confused as to where I was. I made it home and the next day I quit.
I went to a women's AA meeting and took ONE DAY A TIME, which sounds cliché but it's the truth that is the only way to do it.
I was about to lose my job, my husband, time with my daughter and grandchildren. I was at the end. Next was death.
I'm still not sure how I got her, but I am doing great. I have a new exciting job, great relationships, more money in my pocket and a great future.
I will never drink again. I know I can't drink again. I am an alcoholic but I like myself now. I know it is a deadly poison to me. I would not drink antifreeze and I won't drink alcohol of any type.
I'm sorry for the long post. For the newcomers, please keep trying. If I can do it you can do it. And...for those twenty or thirty somethings, do it now. Don't waste any more of your life doing this.
All my best to you all,
not2late
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Your post made my day.
There have been a lot of "I can't do it" "I'll never get sober" posts from struggling newcomers lately. I hope they go back and read your older posts. Because that was you, wondering if you could get sober. And here you are today, posting 6 months sober.
Proof you just have to keep trying...and really want it.
There have been a lot of "I can't do it" "I'll never get sober" posts from struggling newcomers lately. I hope they go back and read your older posts. Because that was you, wondering if you could get sober. And here you are today, posting 6 months sober.
Proof you just have to keep trying...and really want it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by not2late 
I'm here as a success story (so far).
....
That tells me you understand there are no guarantees. You understand it can all be taken away with one drink. You understand that alcoholism and our life stories are lifelong ventures taken one day at a time.
Thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Woodburn, OR
Posts: 422
Thank you for this! It's truly helpful. I've been struggling off and on this past year and after my last binge I have let go of any wish that I could drink normally or more fun in my head- "like I used to".
Congrats to you, and keep pushing on!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Exactly my story in so many ways. The things that really resonate with me are the throwing up all of the time, especially, for me, at the end. In towels, trying to muffle the sounds in the bathroom, after I'd put my son on the bus (I would barely be able to hold it in the car, and sometimes I'd have to get out and throw up on the side of the road), etc. When I was in the hospital (yes, I went all the way), my husband (who is not understanding AT ALL told me he found so many of my vomit-stained clothes stuffed in places (and the bottles--I thought I kept tabs on those because I drank to the last drop. Nope. I found a few as late as xmas and for a moment, I thought, "Damnn, I had some I didn't know about".
In the end (maybe last 8 months to a year?), I used to drink through the day, in bottles, in water, etc. Mostly, I preferred it straight. When people, like the kids, almost took a sip of my "water" (I think my youngest did once), I would hide it in coffee so no one would bother me if we were all in the car together.
And, yup, all night long. Otherwise, I just couldn't sleep. I was up and down all night, especially at the end, snaking it out from between the mattresses. Leaving the room would cause sounds and we live in a small place, so I couldn't be fumbling around to find it in a hiding spot, of which there were zero, to be honest. I found a tiny crevice under the dresser that only my hand could fit in--boy, was it embarrassing when I was selling it after I became sober. There were so many old pints under there. On a "good" day, I'd only go through the next bottle up from the pint (is it a 1/5?). All vodka, all the time, no chasers, nothing. Just happily nipping all day long, whenever, wherever. Yes, I drove drunk, but I didn't do it with my kids and then the whole damn day would be anxiety ridden until I knew it could be me and my bottle with no interruptions. What a racket.
Long road trips were the worst because I couldn't sip water as I was afraid my husband would want a sip. I went through lengths, though. I would buy two identical waters (I would be in the passenger seat) and I would take a quick swig of my vodka. Both were stored in my backpack. I'd been caught by family members here and there and some were on to me, but I kept a step ahead. If my husband (who rarely drinks water) would ask, I would pull out the real water. One time, I forgot which was which. I sucked in my breath as he gulped. Safe. That time.
On other trips, I was similarly pressed. Like I said, the family had suspicions and I had been busted a few times. A$$ pockets of vodka were standard for me, runs to the store for anything (if I were lucky, I'd remember to bring that "advil" I was going to get at the store, but sometimes I'd forget and have to buy something) but when I got really thin, those were risky (the butt pockets). And, my bags, forget it. Everything is transparent when you are with a bunch of teens who don't care about limits and suspect you. I actually hid bottles in public restrooms under personal garbage cans in the stalls in hotels and in cases where I couldn't sneak, I would hide them in there and drink.
Of course, of course, of course, I had the many, many backups when we went out inside of my purse. I was never satisfied and didn't want to drink too much in front of people. Because I thought I wasn't getting enough by nipping in the bathroom, I would end up way too wasted by the night's end and sometimes they could tell, other times not because I'd come such a "long way" and was able to hide it pretty well. When I'd see the food coming, I'd dodge again to the restroom (I'm young-ish and it was odd how many times I'd get up to go).
My worst moments were going over to people's homes. I cringe at this thought, but I actually stole liquor! I didn't take it home, but I'd wander to the bathroom and see their counter bar or whatever and take some sips. I didn't do this much, but I was probably really wasted; they might have seen for all I know. Very embarrassing. My husband lost friends (or, at least they distanced themselves) because of me. I never acted mean or fought or anything like that. I was just very foolish and they probably didn't understand how I'd gotten wasted off of a beer and half. I hated situations like this because everyone drank slowly. I much preferred the rather anonymous tables where I could help myself all day.
Through all of this, I managed to shine in my career. It's just built into my constitution and for whatever reason, it never carried over. It should have. I would throw up in the morning (after drinking throughout the night) drink a few shots, be okay, then nip all day long at my job. I didn't even look at my performance evals for last May (the end of it all) until just recently when I submitted them for a job. They were the highest I'd ever gotten. I sometimes wonder about this and even get angry. How could something that almost killed me not be noticed by anyone and how could it help me be a rockstar in my profession? Doesn't make sense, but anyway, I digress.
I went into the hospital on June 6. I couldn't breathe. I was on the verge of death (my story is here somewhere). I had so much wrong with me. I was 120 lbs (I'm not going to lie--I really miss that because it gave me a sober summer, post hospital, looking great lol). Seven days later, I was released. My husband told me he was leaving me. Kids wouldn't come to the hospital to see me. disgust all around. Shame, judgment, hatred. It was round 2 for me. I've been slowly digging myself out of that mess. It's been 10 months. Things are turning around, personally, husband and I are much better, but there's work to be done.
I will say, though, I miss drinking. Yes, I've been more productive in some realms (personal, financial, etc.). I've been the same professionally. I don't miss having a glass of wine or two; I miss really being able to turn it all off with a series of drinks. I'm not tempted and haven't been to meetings/IOP. tried all of them and they didn't do anything. So, I'm here. Congrats on your six months.
In the end (maybe last 8 months to a year?), I used to drink through the day, in bottles, in water, etc. Mostly, I preferred it straight. When people, like the kids, almost took a sip of my "water" (I think my youngest did once), I would hide it in coffee so no one would bother me if we were all in the car together.
And, yup, all night long. Otherwise, I just couldn't sleep. I was up and down all night, especially at the end, snaking it out from between the mattresses. Leaving the room would cause sounds and we live in a small place, so I couldn't be fumbling around to find it in a hiding spot, of which there were zero, to be honest. I found a tiny crevice under the dresser that only my hand could fit in--boy, was it embarrassing when I was selling it after I became sober. There were so many old pints under there. On a "good" day, I'd only go through the next bottle up from the pint (is it a 1/5?). All vodka, all the time, no chasers, nothing. Just happily nipping all day long, whenever, wherever. Yes, I drove drunk, but I didn't do it with my kids and then the whole damn day would be anxiety ridden until I knew it could be me and my bottle with no interruptions. What a racket.
Long road trips were the worst because I couldn't sip water as I was afraid my husband would want a sip. I went through lengths, though. I would buy two identical waters (I would be in the passenger seat) and I would take a quick swig of my vodka. Both were stored in my backpack. I'd been caught by family members here and there and some were on to me, but I kept a step ahead. If my husband (who rarely drinks water) would ask, I would pull out the real water. One time, I forgot which was which. I sucked in my breath as he gulped. Safe. That time.
On other trips, I was similarly pressed. Like I said, the family had suspicions and I had been busted a few times. A$$ pockets of vodka were standard for me, runs to the store for anything (if I were lucky, I'd remember to bring that "advil" I was going to get at the store, but sometimes I'd forget and have to buy something) but when I got really thin, those were risky (the butt pockets). And, my bags, forget it. Everything is transparent when you are with a bunch of teens who don't care about limits and suspect you. I actually hid bottles in public restrooms under personal garbage cans in the stalls in hotels and in cases where I couldn't sneak, I would hide them in there and drink.
Of course, of course, of course, I had the many, many backups when we went out inside of my purse. I was never satisfied and didn't want to drink too much in front of people. Because I thought I wasn't getting enough by nipping in the bathroom, I would end up way too wasted by the night's end and sometimes they could tell, other times not because I'd come such a "long way" and was able to hide it pretty well. When I'd see the food coming, I'd dodge again to the restroom (I'm young-ish and it was odd how many times I'd get up to go).
My worst moments were going over to people's homes. I cringe at this thought, but I actually stole liquor! I didn't take it home, but I'd wander to the bathroom and see their counter bar or whatever and take some sips. I didn't do this much, but I was probably really wasted; they might have seen for all I know. Very embarrassing. My husband lost friends (or, at least they distanced themselves) because of me. I never acted mean or fought or anything like that. I was just very foolish and they probably didn't understand how I'd gotten wasted off of a beer and half. I hated situations like this because everyone drank slowly. I much preferred the rather anonymous tables where I could help myself all day.
Through all of this, I managed to shine in my career. It's just built into my constitution and for whatever reason, it never carried over. It should have. I would throw up in the morning (after drinking throughout the night) drink a few shots, be okay, then nip all day long at my job. I didn't even look at my performance evals for last May (the end of it all) until just recently when I submitted them for a job. They were the highest I'd ever gotten. I sometimes wonder about this and even get angry. How could something that almost killed me not be noticed by anyone and how could it help me be a rockstar in my profession? Doesn't make sense, but anyway, I digress.
I went into the hospital on June 6. I couldn't breathe. I was on the verge of death (my story is here somewhere). I had so much wrong with me. I was 120 lbs (I'm not going to lie--I really miss that because it gave me a sober summer, post hospital, looking great lol). Seven days later, I was released. My husband told me he was leaving me. Kids wouldn't come to the hospital to see me. disgust all around. Shame, judgment, hatred. It was round 2 for me. I've been slowly digging myself out of that mess. It's been 10 months. Things are turning around, personally, husband and I are much better, but there's work to be done.
I will say, though, I miss drinking. Yes, I've been more productive in some realms (personal, financial, etc.). I've been the same professionally. I don't miss having a glass of wine or two; I miss really being able to turn it all off with a series of drinks. I'm not tempted and haven't been to meetings/IOP. tried all of them and they didn't do anything. So, I'm here. Congrats on your six months.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Not2late - almost exactly my story too - including the drinking for 30 years. It was constantly in my system, even just grocery shopping. (Heaven forbid I should come down to Earth and actually experience life with a clear head.) You're so right - 'one drink' can never happen again. It took me a long time to admit that - and while I was proving it to myself I got 2 dui's & disappointed/scared everyone I know.
This was a wonderful, heartfelt post that will help many. Thank you for so eloquently telling your story.
This was a wonderful, heartfelt post that will help many. Thank you for so eloquently telling your story.
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