Dealing with bf's recovering alcoholic exwife
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 2
Dealing with bf's recovering alcoholic exwife
Just here to browse forums and possibly ask for advice in dealing with the exwife of my boyfriend's, who is in her 7th year of recovery.
Won't post details here, just wanted to introduce myself.
If you believe there are relevant threads that may be on this topic, I welcome links to them.
Thanks!
Chel
Won't post details here, just wanted to introduce myself.
If you believe there are relevant threads that may be on this topic, I welcome links to them.
Thanks!
Chel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 2
Well, I didn't think "introduce yourself" was the appropriate forum, so I didn't want to go into detail. :-) I'm 49, bf is 56. Both have been married once, I have been divorced since 2003 from an abusive relationship. Bf has been divorced since 2010. Exwife has been sober 7 years, was a stay-at-home-mom and drank heavily throughout most of their 20 year marriage. We both have grown children yet he has the 20 yo son at home. I'm the first person he has dated since his divorce. We've been together 7 months.
About a month into our relationship his exwife found my address and showed up on my doorstep after midnight demanding to speak to her exhusband. She made a scene in my front yard yelling at him, and I had to threaten to call the police to get her to leave.
Throughout our relationship she has been on an emotional roller-coaster - gone through periods of not contacting him, then bombarding him with irrational texts/calls, most of which he leaves unanswered.
This past weekend there was a scene on Easter, where she demanded he come out to her car to talk to her. She was upset that we were having sex under the same roof as her son. (We see eachother a few times a week, sometimes he stays at my home and other times I stay at his apartment. We are very discreet and the 20 yo son's bedroom is on the other side of the apartment.) I intervened and she called me a wh*re a, saying that was the only reason why he chose to be with me over her.
It feels as tho dealing with an alcoholic directly is less difficult than one who is the ex of a person you are in a relationship with. My relationship with my bf is otherwise very good.
That's a brief synopsis.. I pared it down quite a bit.
About a month into our relationship his exwife found my address and showed up on my doorstep after midnight demanding to speak to her exhusband. She made a scene in my front yard yelling at him, and I had to threaten to call the police to get her to leave.
Throughout our relationship she has been on an emotional roller-coaster - gone through periods of not contacting him, then bombarding him with irrational texts/calls, most of which he leaves unanswered.
This past weekend there was a scene on Easter, where she demanded he come out to her car to talk to her. She was upset that we were having sex under the same roof as her son. (We see eachother a few times a week, sometimes he stays at my home and other times I stay at his apartment. We are very discreet and the 20 yo son's bedroom is on the other side of the apartment.) I intervened and she called me a wh*re a, saying that was the only reason why he chose to be with me over her.
It feels as tho dealing with an alcoholic directly is less difficult than one who is the ex of a person you are in a relationship with. My relationship with my bf is otherwise very good.
That's a brief synopsis.. I pared it down quite a bit.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Wow! 
She sounds like she has some issues. That's 'drunk' behavior. If she's been sober that long, she sure hasn't learned much.
I would also tell her, if she shows up and makes a scene, that you will call the police, and then do it if needed. She's got to learn that you have limits that she can't cross. I'm sorry she's such a jerk.
She sounds like she has some issues. That's 'drunk' behavior. If she's been sober that long, she sure hasn't learned much.I would also tell her, if she shows up and makes a scene, that you will call the police, and then do it if needed. She's got to learn that you have limits that she can't cross. I'm sorry she's such a jerk.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I wouldn't be involved in this situation in any form. Unfortunately, he's in a messy situation where you're the fourth wheel. It's an emotional drain on him and so that doesn't allow him to be emotionally available to you. Men only have so much to give in that department anyway.
No matter how discreet you think you're being, no matter how big the apartment is, if you spend the night, that gives away the fact that you're having sex. There's no being discreet about it. 20 year old knows it, ex knows it. Ex has understandable emotions about it. I'm not saying she deals with them in an appropriate way, but...
No matter how discreet you think you're being, no matter how big the apartment is, if you spend the night, that gives away the fact that you're having sex. There's no being discreet about it. 20 year old knows it, ex knows it. Ex has understandable emotions about it. I'm not saying she deals with them in an appropriate way, but...
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well, I suppose she's just hurting. Twenty years is a long time and it might take her a little while to accept that the relationship is not going to get go back to how it was. I think you said she turned up and confronted him a month into the relationship. How long ago roughly was that? (Weeks or months or years?)
I remember my dad bringing women home and having sex with them. I was 17 (but I can imagine nowadays 20 year old might feel the same). I could hear everything, and it was pretty mneugh having them doing their apres-sex knowing smiles afterwards and feeling like an imposter in my own home. Rightly or wrongly - sure, he was a grown man with his lady friend and entitled to do what he pleased. Was just uncomfortable to me and didn't help me think too kindly on those women friends he brought back. Perhaps his son felt uncomfortable and may have mentioned that to someone (his mum or someone else who then passed it on to his mum).
I dunno. I suppose the key here is to be willing to understand everyone's perspectives. The time factors will likely make a difference and not understanding how long you guys have been together makes it hard to know.
I hope things simmer down soon.
BB
I remember my dad bringing women home and having sex with them. I was 17 (but I can imagine nowadays 20 year old might feel the same). I could hear everything, and it was pretty mneugh having them doing their apres-sex knowing smiles afterwards and feeling like an imposter in my own home. Rightly or wrongly - sure, he was a grown man with his lady friend and entitled to do what he pleased. Was just uncomfortable to me and didn't help me think too kindly on those women friends he brought back. Perhaps his son felt uncomfortable and may have mentioned that to someone (his mum or someone else who then passed it on to his mum).
I dunno. I suppose the key here is to be willing to understand everyone's perspectives. The time factors will likely make a difference and not understanding how long you guys have been together makes it hard to know.
I hope things simmer down soon.
BB
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Jeepers. That's tough. If you wish to stay with this man, and from what you say it is good otherwise, then there are a lot of lessons to be learned.
First and maybe most difficult, is compassion for this person who appears to be suffering badly. I'm not saying it will be easy and for sure not saying everyone can do it, but it's going to be a big lesson. Put it this way: what is this person here to teach you? Even if you don't believe in the whole Buddhist way, it can be a useful question to ask for insights into how to deal. Because you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself and your reactions.
Secondly, bigger picture, what are the lessons in the entire situation? With the BF, with his son, with your abusive relationship from so many years ago ....? Is there one? I don't know, only you can know I guess.
I wish you peace and understanding.
This will be tough but if you choose it you can come through it as a most impressive human being.
First and maybe most difficult, is compassion for this person who appears to be suffering badly. I'm not saying it will be easy and for sure not saying everyone can do it, but it's going to be a big lesson. Put it this way: what is this person here to teach you? Even if you don't believe in the whole Buddhist way, it can be a useful question to ask for insights into how to deal. Because you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself and your reactions.
Secondly, bigger picture, what are the lessons in the entire situation? With the BF, with his son, with your abusive relationship from so many years ago ....? Is there one? I don't know, only you can know I guess.
I wish you peace and understanding.
This will be tough but if you choose it you can come through it as a most impressive human being.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Welcome ChelJae,
What MarkTwain said is the core fix for the issue. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, and did I say boundaries? I dealt with this same exact thing but without the alcohol issues (thankfully). The boundaries have to be set by your boyfriend and no one else because that's the only thing that's going to be effective. Without that, you'll continue to experience more of the same.
By the way, a 20 year old male is not a child. He's fully capable of understanding and accepting the fact that his father has a relationship with you. He's not 5! She's using that as an excuse to fill her own needs.
If no boundaries are set you can expect to experience this for quite some time to come.
Is your boyfriend willing to do this? He doesn't have to be mean but firm.
What MarkTwain said is the core fix for the issue. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, and did I say boundaries? I dealt with this same exact thing but without the alcohol issues (thankfully). The boundaries have to be set by your boyfriend and no one else because that's the only thing that's going to be effective. Without that, you'll continue to experience more of the same.
By the way, a 20 year old male is not a child. He's fully capable of understanding and accepting the fact that his father has a relationship with you. He's not 5! She's using that as an excuse to fill her own needs.
If no boundaries are set you can expect to experience this for quite some time to come.
Is your boyfriend willing to do this? He doesn't have to be mean but firm.
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