A question about therapy/counselling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: London
Posts: 50
A question about therapy/counselling
Hi guys,
I am wondering about finding a counsellor to give me some extra backup. I posted a few days ago about my tension about upcoming "death-a-versaries". I drank today. Everything feels too fragile. Everything ALWAYS feels fragile and has done for a while. I lost my job in Feb but have 3 months notice so my employment will end towards the end of May. My dad was very controlling and I struggled with finding my own way - went to one of the top 2 universities in the UK, after having been essentially locked up through my teens. My love of alcohol started there, through an "amazing" boyfriend who was the son of a QC and had led a privileged life. We broke up after uni, as lots do, and I drank the way "we" had drank, through law school, through paralegal jobs..etc. Through my career, basically. Alcohol ups the ante year on year. All the way till the first parent death. I drank after that, because I didn't know it would stop me moving on. When my mum was diagnosed with Cancer it was just 2 weeks after I had been made redundant from my job at the time after nearly 5 years. So I was job hunting and visiting mum once a week (I lived 250 miles away from her - in the UK this is a big deal lol). I interviewed for my current job from which I was fired in Feb after 18 months for underperformance, mainly lack of focus. I was left really confused because I punch above my weight on some aspects, struggle with others and time seemed to run out all of a sudden, but I understand because I was working in the City (London) which is pretty brutal. It was deeply frustrating because I had total brain fog after my mum's death and that was clearing, things were literally just about to bear fruit, and then poomf.
Funny thing was my reaction - I felt total relief - I still do (albeit I've been asked to do something really difficult while I'm working my notice, lol).
A lot of posters on this site are in the US and talk really normally about "therapy". "My therapist says this/that". In the UK, "therapy" is not the norm, I feel I have a chance - a window - to shed everything that has been baggage to me, but that my own anxiety/avoidant traits will make me repeat my past mistakes. Is anyone able to share with me the positive benefits counselling has had for them?
I am wondering about finding a counsellor to give me some extra backup. I posted a few days ago about my tension about upcoming "death-a-versaries". I drank today. Everything feels too fragile. Everything ALWAYS feels fragile and has done for a while. I lost my job in Feb but have 3 months notice so my employment will end towards the end of May. My dad was very controlling and I struggled with finding my own way - went to one of the top 2 universities in the UK, after having been essentially locked up through my teens. My love of alcohol started there, through an "amazing" boyfriend who was the son of a QC and had led a privileged life. We broke up after uni, as lots do, and I drank the way "we" had drank, through law school, through paralegal jobs..etc. Through my career, basically. Alcohol ups the ante year on year. All the way till the first parent death. I drank after that, because I didn't know it would stop me moving on. When my mum was diagnosed with Cancer it was just 2 weeks after I had been made redundant from my job at the time after nearly 5 years. So I was job hunting and visiting mum once a week (I lived 250 miles away from her - in the UK this is a big deal lol). I interviewed for my current job from which I was fired in Feb after 18 months for underperformance, mainly lack of focus. I was left really confused because I punch above my weight on some aspects, struggle with others and time seemed to run out all of a sudden, but I understand because I was working in the City (London) which is pretty brutal. It was deeply frustrating because I had total brain fog after my mum's death and that was clearing, things were literally just about to bear fruit, and then poomf.
Funny thing was my reaction - I felt total relief - I still do (albeit I've been asked to do something really difficult while I'm working my notice, lol).
A lot of posters on this site are in the US and talk really normally about "therapy". "My therapist says this/that". In the UK, "therapy" is not the norm, I feel I have a chance - a window - to shed everything that has been baggage to me, but that my own anxiety/avoidant traits will make me repeat my past mistakes. Is anyone able to share with me the positive benefits counselling has had for them?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
First things first.
Therapy/counseling won't help a whole lot while you're still drinking. Make continuous sobriety your #1 Priority and then start working through your issues once you have a bit of sober time - not the other way around.
I couldn't figure out anything while I was still drinking. After a few months of emotional stability I was able to sort through it all.
AA is specifically designed to help with this sort of thing. Have you ever been to meetings? Read the Big Book of AA? It's available on line for free at their website. There are lots of books about recovery, and there is a lot of info here about grief, loss, anxiety, etc.
Therapy/counseling won't help a whole lot while you're still drinking. Make continuous sobriety your #1 Priority and then start working through your issues once you have a bit of sober time - not the other way around.
I couldn't figure out anything while I was still drinking. After a few months of emotional stability I was able to sort through it all.
AA is specifically designed to help with this sort of thing. Have you ever been to meetings? Read the Big Book of AA? It's available on line for free at their website. There are lots of books about recovery, and there is a lot of info here about grief, loss, anxiety, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I have found my experiences with therapy (both during active addiction and in sobriety) - to be immensely useful.
We are ill-equipped to reflect on ourselves objectively, and most of us are also ill-equipped with an understanding of psychology and emotional insight to be able to effectively 'self-counsel'. In fact, I think it's a basic human need to have some support in our exploration of self.
Never mind 'the norm' - get yourself a therapist and try it out. Find someone you feel comfortable with and open yourself to being fully honest with that person about the things you need to explore in your life.
In my own experience, not much of my time with therapists has been spend dealing directly with addiction. We've talked about my use of substances here and there - but the primary focus of my work with therapy has always been the basic stuff of life; trauma, emotions, anxiety, depression, fears, angers, my own self-destructive thinking, my leftover emotions from childhood, looking objectively at myself and how I might evolve, often times - simply TALKING about life in an open and honest manner with someone well-developed at listening, reflecting and offering qualified insights.
I find it absolutely essential to a well-developed life.
Go for it.
We are ill-equipped to reflect on ourselves objectively, and most of us are also ill-equipped with an understanding of psychology and emotional insight to be able to effectively 'self-counsel'. In fact, I think it's a basic human need to have some support in our exploration of self.
Never mind 'the norm' - get yourself a therapist and try it out. Find someone you feel comfortable with and open yourself to being fully honest with that person about the things you need to explore in your life.
In my own experience, not much of my time with therapists has been spend dealing directly with addiction. We've talked about my use of substances here and there - but the primary focus of my work with therapy has always been the basic stuff of life; trauma, emotions, anxiety, depression, fears, angers, my own self-destructive thinking, my leftover emotions from childhood, looking objectively at myself and how I might evolve, often times - simply TALKING about life in an open and honest manner with someone well-developed at listening, reflecting and offering qualified insights.
I find it absolutely essential to a well-developed life.
Go for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: London
Posts: 50
I think my point is I'm 99.5% sober all the time. But screwed up by seemingly relentless negative things happening to me over the past three years. My job was in my control, nothing else was. I don't want to give the impression I have been drinking regularly, I haven't at all. I just have a lot of issues have come out of my bereavements that have - against my efforts - got on top of me. I am in that place where I gave up drinking, benefited from it, avoided many bullets but..now..I'm at the point where I think I should talk to someone because I am crumbling in my loneliness, I feel like the ceiling is falling in despite my efforts (for me personally, I have a lovely time with my kids and partner). Obviously this is all about sobriety - drunkenness can only make it worse - but in the UK we don't have therapists (we have the NHS which is ridiculously overstretched and there is the sense that therapy is self indulgent). I feel very weak, but I have been very strong recently, I'm just buckling under the strain, as it were. I'd really like to hear positive counselling/therapy experiences.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Counseling has been a great experience for me. I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and lots of tools to help me deal with my issues, with anxiety being the main culprit.
It took me a couple of different therapists until I found one I liked and could work well with, but in the grand scheme of things the cost is not really all that much compared to medical bills, and it's been quite productive for me.
One thing it took me a while to learn is that I was initially looking for a "cure" from the counselor. I wanted a method/technique/etc that would FIX my anxiety and make it dissapear. Kind of like what I was looking for from Alchohol for all those years....
But at the end of the day it was acceptance and tools to live WITH my issues that made the difference. And there are lots and lots of tools you can learn about. I'd highly recommend giving it a shot if you have the ability to do so.
It took me a couple of different therapists until I found one I liked and could work well with, but in the grand scheme of things the cost is not really all that much compared to medical bills, and it's been quite productive for me.
One thing it took me a while to learn is that I was initially looking for a "cure" from the counselor. I wanted a method/technique/etc that would FIX my anxiety and make it dissapear. Kind of like what I was looking for from Alchohol for all those years....
But at the end of the day it was acceptance and tools to live WITH my issues that made the difference. And there are lots and lots of tools you can learn about. I'd highly recommend giving it a shot if you have the ability to do so.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 62
Hi Snowy,
For me yes, I've had counselling that has absolutely saved my life. Do I still need more to discuss my drinking - yes. Can you fix it all in one go ? I don't know.
I've been through many things, (as most people have) and I've let some of them get me to breaking point before I've sought help.
Can you afford to pay for help?
For me yes, I've had counselling that has absolutely saved my life. Do I still need more to discuss my drinking - yes. Can you fix it all in one go ? I don't know.
I've been through many things, (as most people have) and I've let some of them get me to breaking point before I've sought help.
Can you afford to pay for help?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I think counseling/therapy is a great idea if you can somehow make that happen. Here in the States I was able to get hooked up with a good counselor through my employee assistance program. It was what I expected, but also included some things I didn't expect including feeling uncomfortable a few times as she was very honest with me and pointed out some things I really needed to work on. But, it was a relief to just enter her 'office' and unload some stuff that I had been holding inside for a long time-knowing she was bound by confidentiality.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,374
I've just listened to the podcast of Prince Harry in his interview about mental health.
I'm so proud for him that he was able to speak publicly about his experience and the actions he took to deal with it, and the benefits he gained.
Best wishes in your journey, Snowie71
I'm so proud for him that he was able to speak publicly about his experience and the actions he took to deal with it, and the benefits he gained.
Best wishes in your journey, Snowie71
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
Having brains can be a fatal flaw with addictive behaviours. I should know. In Aust 'therapy' for me is poo-pood on. COUNSELLING is the word used. All I know is talking to a person in confidence, who does not judge helps me. Almost like talking to a sane, normal version of me. They active listen- I grow. Well worth it. Coming from a relatively isolated background this may also help you. Just your stuff- no one need know. For me- I see a psychologist. CBT. Putting into behavioural action from thought stuff that makes a difference- NOW. Not talking about what it was like being in the womb stuff. Freud can go away. It helps me PLAN my actions and change- learn and change, not just try the same stuff the has not worked in the past.
Empathy and support to you. PJ
Empathy and support to you. PJ
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,282
I think the significant help I got from talking with someone whose job it is to listen is the talking. Putting thoughts out there to look at. That worked best for me when it happened with the same person over a long time. Likely that would be more effective with a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist.
Meow
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Great Lakes State
Posts: 1,585
I'm doing a Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) group now and I'm finding it quite beneficial.
Warning about therapists, though. As mentioned above, you may have to try a few to get a good fit. Years ago I sought help. The guy I saw for 25 minutes started out by implying that I needed help because my father sexually abused me (he didn't and I was highly insulted).
The next one (years later) was a rabid 12-stepper. I believe AA does good things for many, many people, but it is not for me. Unfortunately, this person had one way to do things and that was it.
Fast forward more years and I was introduced to CBT, which makes sense to me and is working well.
So it may take a few stumbles - preferably if you try counseling you don't wait years between tries like I did if you don't get a good fit the first (or second or third) try.
Warning about therapists, though. As mentioned above, you may have to try a few to get a good fit. Years ago I sought help. The guy I saw for 25 minutes started out by implying that I needed help because my father sexually abused me (he didn't and I was highly insulted).
The next one (years later) was a rabid 12-stepper. I believe AA does good things for many, many people, but it is not for me. Unfortunately, this person had one way to do things and that was it.
Fast forward more years and I was introduced to CBT, which makes sense to me and is working well.
So it may take a few stumbles - preferably if you try counseling you don't wait years between tries like I did if you don't get a good fit the first (or second or third) try.
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