Funtimefranky

I'm so upset with myself. I had three weeks clean time and blew it yesterday. I've terrible pain in my liver region, I'm certain I've got cirrhosis. I have an appoint this month for an ultrasound. It was bad enough that I drank 3 bottles of wine but hearing what I did is worse. I can't deal with the fact I let everyone down. I'm so very sad. For the first time in my life I really got that I could never drink again and I was so certain I wouldn't. It felt good and it came easy. I couldn't believe that I wasn't even craving alcohol. Then bang, someone wronged me and I said eff it, I'm having a drink today. I screamed, I shouted at the top of my voice that everyone were ***** (classy drunk I am). now I'm in bed, in pain and wanted the world to just go away. I reason I'm dyeing anyway. I rarely ever leave the house. Depression has robbed me of energy to even do the most basic of things. My youngest is 17 and I feel such a let down. I hid drinking for the longest time but it's been out for the longest time and I've failed my children. I'm certain I'm dyeing and they will have to bury a mum who let them down BC she couldn't do the one thing they wanted her to do. Feck, I feel sorry for myself. My life is shite. I've left the house about 3 times this year. I've gained weight and don't want to be seen by anyone. I panic at the thought of leaving the house. I use to be slim and attractive, not that I took it for granted but now I look in the mirror and see an overweight alcoholic piece of shite.

FreedomCA

Forgive yourself, learn from your slip and move on. Work on getting your new Day 1 under your belt.

PhoenixJ

You are not shite. You are in pain. See a doc about the physical stuff. Go to a meeting. Share here- lots. See a counsellor. Go to SMART. Journal . Read, share, learn. Isolating will not help you. Empathy and support to you.

Funtimefranky

Thank you so much. I just lost a long post but basically I was saying thanks for taking the time out of your day to reply to me. It means a lot. I'm going to try and tackle this going out problem. I have an appointment in 10 days or so, so I'm gonna focus on making sure I get there. Jeez that sounds crazy but I can't even make it to garden right now. How did it get this bad? I'm full of tears today, so many I could drown in them I'm sure. I want this day to be over so badly. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I just want to curl up and die. I can't stop crying. What an earth has happened to my life? How did it come to this? Why me? I realised today that I have spent most of my life trying to cover up the fact that I believe I'm a disgusting human. No matter what I do, I slip and people find out. I was abused as a child, 3 ways, I guess it comes from that. I feel dirty and disgusting. Maybe this is a breakthrough. I need to try and find a way to feel worth something. I'm crying so much I know I've hit on something. It's so much of my makeup, I'm not sure I can ever change. I was six when it started and 16 when it stopped. Why me?!

january161992

me too!

the (AA) book says that resentment is our #1 offender ... it destroys more alcoholics than anything else

really true for me

i relapsed everyday for a while when i was new

the old timers told me to keep coming back

i did

Funtimefranky

Thanks Jan, hope it's alright to call you Jan?! I'm going to keep coming back no matter what. I really never want to drink again. I never want to forget that I never want to drink again. It's a crazy disease. I'm going to look into the resentment thing and what AA say about it, thank you.

SteveAlex

You are here for a reason. Your kids need you. Your story may be just what someone needs to hear to help them. You can start not drinking again. One day at a time. Tackle each issue as it comes, sober.

Soberwolf

You'll always have us

Frostyjack2017

Hi just found your post and you previously replied to mines a bit back. I hear your situation. Get yourself to a doctor and possibly committed if needs be. You are making things worse with that life style im talking through experience. Wait until tour house and furniture, your family and friends all disappear into the sparkly bubbles...... Put the breaks on NOW! Thoughts with you

Funtimefranky

Thank you. My children are truly the only reason I've hung on for so long. I battle with the idea of hurting their feelings. They are my biggest motivation in all of this. I heard an alcoholic say that they would die for their children but they couldn't give up alcohol for their children and I so get that.

Funtimefranky

Thanks Soberwolf! It's nice to see a familiar place. This forum is honestly the best forum I've come across. The people here are amazing!

Funtimefranky

Thanks Jack. You are so right. I don't see friends anymore. I cut people out years ago. I can't bare for anynone to see the mess I've become. I feel awful. I still have friends that try to meet up but they have grown use to my excuses. I have one friend who knows my struggles. I would consider her my best friend but I have not seen her in a year BC I can't deal with it. She rang me up in tears over something recently and I cried with her but I couldn't bring myself to leave the house and go and see her and that breaks my heart. I feel so bad about it. She says she understands. I feel I must be selfish in some way. I want to get well so that I can be a good mum, friend etc. This is going to be a long hard road. I might need to go somewhere if I can't sort this leaving the house problem out. I've got this idea that if I lose a bit of weight first I'll feel better about myself and things will kind of magically fall into place. I just can't go out right now. I get anxious if I'm by the window. How messed up is that?! My God if the doorbell went today I would probably faint! I seldom answer when it rings uless I know it's my children. I hope one day I can laugh at the joke that has become my life. Keep up the good work Frosty!

thomas11

Hi Franky, only you have the power to make the changes needed to improve your life. Its not an easy road to get things turned around, but it is definitely a worthwhile endeavor. Wishing you the best.

Funtimefranky

Thanks for that Thomas.

Ugh, today has been a hard one. I have so much anxiety it's unreal. I can't handle the sound of outside. I'm so jumpy. It's nearly 9pm. Hope I sleep tonight. I'm not gonna think too much about it. I've not eaten a single thing today and I normally have a good appetite. Pain under my rib on the right his bothering me. I don't want to drink anything but I'm trying to sip Coke which I know is bad but I can't stomach water at the moment. Just told my son I will never let him down again. I mean it. It's a big promise but I intend to keep it. I can't do this anymore. It's so selfish. I have to live through some discomfort so my family don't have to. I love my children so much it kills me to have put this on them.

thomas11

You might be experiencing some withdrawals. I know when I went through withdrawal a couple times I had this feeling of impending doom and any little noise made my heart jump out of my chest. I don't wish it on anyone. But with time it all goes away. If you haven't heard about "kindling" you may want to read up on a little if you feel like it. Your doing great, just hang in there.

Funtimefranky

I don't believe I've heard of kindling no. I will certainly look it up!

I got a few hours sleep not much but a few hours. I woke up saturated in sweat and needing the bathroom. I had to jump back into bed as I was too cold to change my night clothes. Feeling pretty disgusting here under my duvet. I will run a bath in a couple of hours.

Day 2 but I've decided I'm not going to get too hung up on the number of days. I don't know why but it feels better when I kind of have to work it out. Like oh wow, I haven't had a drink in, Oooh let me think it's been so long I can't remember.��

Soberwolf

Fwiw I think your doing great

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lly-again.html

JustTony

You're not shite.

You're imperfect, troubled, complex, tactile, spiritual, emotional, sensitive, etc.

You're human.

Strength to you

Funtimefranky

Thank you so much for your kind words. I actually just posted on your thread, you are doing great!

Frostyjack2017

thanks for your very true common sense. Its hard to go back. But I'm sure it pays off. Thank you