Boyfriend is completely unsupportive in my recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Boyfriend is completely unsupportive in my recovery
Today is day 54 of sobriety. Tomorrow will be the longest that I have been sober since I was 14. I went to Inpatient treatment and now I'm in IOP and going to as many meetings as possible but the healthier I get, the unhealthier my partner gets. While I was in treatment he drank so much beer that it's completely changed his body and his health. If he continues this lifestyle he will drink himself to death in the next few years. I can't care about him more than he cares about himself. He has ditched me to drink more than once in these few weeks since I've been out of treatment. I am getting very little if any support from him through this process of recovery and disappointment is my biggest trigger. He either doesn't get it or doesn't care, I suspect both. I am so new to sobriety that I don't have a sober support network and I'm terrified of breaking it off (which I know I need to do) and completely removing him from my life and feeling the pain related to this on top of having to feel all the uncomfortable and painful feelings I have sedated for all these years.
I just feel so damn sad.
I just feel so damn sad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Leave him
Sobriety can last forever. He will be a memory soon enough.
Ultimately it will end up being his choice? He can leave the booze and win you back if he wants to? If he carries on drinking then that tells you everything you need to know anyway....
Tony
Sobriety can last forever. He will be a memory soon enough.
Ultimately it will end up being his choice? He can leave the booze and win you back if he wants to? If he carries on drinking then that tells you everything you need to know anyway....
Tony
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 54
I feel your pain Girl. You just can't expect a heavy drinker to give you support in your sobriety. It's too threatening. He knows on some level you will cave eventually and come back down to his level. He's not a rational thinker or a healthy person if he's drinking his face off.
Seems like you have a choice. Stay with the unsupportive alcoholic who doesn't want good things for you and end up being drunks together until you break up and then be a drunk alone and have to start over - or - follow your heart, believe in yourself and work on your sobriety. Going solo might not be so bad.
What would make you more sad: Losing the boyfriend who doesn't care about you or being an active alcoholic again because you are afraid to be alone?
Seems like you have a choice. Stay with the unsupportive alcoholic who doesn't want good things for you and end up being drunks together until you break up and then be a drunk alone and have to start over - or - follow your heart, believe in yourself and work on your sobriety. Going solo might not be so bad.
What would make you more sad: Losing the boyfriend who doesn't care about you or being an active alcoholic again because you are afraid to be alone?
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,662
Hi Girlwithdog, great news on day 54 , congratulations.
My husband didn't understand me when I got sober, but he didn't drink either.
When I drank, my main aim was to drink, everything else was way down the list and I loved them as much as I could, drink came first. I went out to work and on the surface seemed OK , I think it's called a functioning alcoholic.
But for support the best people are those who know and understand what you're going through.
I relied on SR, it was a saviour when I found it , people who knew what I was going through and had been through and come out the other side.
I hope you find the support you need, here is a great place to start.x
My husband didn't understand me when I got sober, but he didn't drink either.
When I drank, my main aim was to drink, everything else was way down the list and I loved them as much as I could, drink came first. I went out to work and on the surface seemed OK , I think it's called a functioning alcoholic.
But for support the best people are those who know and understand what you're going through.
I relied on SR, it was a saviour when I found it , people who knew what I was going through and had been through and come out the other side.
I hope you find the support you need, here is a great place to start.x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by Outonthetiles 
You already know the answer and what you need to do.
And this is another example of why we used to tell people to give the dating a rest for the first year.
I'd ask Girlwithdog what harm it could do to stay away from the boys for a year and just hang out with women in recovery and your dog?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Having support from our partners seems like a no brainer but it does not always work this way. If you and your partner were heavy drinkers together and one of you "wakes up" and decides to get sober, it is hard for the other person to follow. He/ she may not be ready to deal with their own issues surrounding substance abuse. Its a personal choice we all make when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
After the decision has been made, it is then that we reach out for support from other like minded individuals. In time, he/ she may see how well you are doing and how healthy you are getting and choose to join you.
You inherently know what it healthy for you and what is not. Stay on your mission to abstain and get healthy.
After the decision has been made, it is then that we reach out for support from other like minded individuals. In time, he/ she may see how well you are doing and how healthy you are getting and choose to join you.
You inherently know what it healthy for you and what is not. Stay on your mission to abstain and get healthy.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 258
My husband and I are both alcoholics. Never once has he supported me in sobriety. He didn't mind the meetings or me not drinking with him. But when we get sober we start to see their faults a little better. That's just my experience.
Please work on yourself. You've worked so hard and come so far. Congratulations!
Please work on yourself. You've worked so hard and come so far. Congratulations!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
It sounds like you've got a very solid sobriety plan in place, while your boyfriend is clearly not on the same page, and looks to be putting a strain on your hard work.
I think moving on would be the best plan of action, as you have to put your sobriety first.
I think moving on would be the best plan of action, as you have to put your sobriety first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Oregon, West Coast, U.S.
Posts: 393
I definitely understand how you are feeling. I decided I had to let go of my relationship just recently, in order to focus on my sobriety. My boyfriend didn't drink, but he was emotionally abusive and manipulative to me, which just made me want to drink to numb the hurtful feelings, going thru arguing all the time, him blaming me for every problem and not taking responsibility for anything, cursing and yelling at me. No thank you!
.
I decided my sobriety comes first. I realized I couldn't stay in that relationship and get sober at the same time.
If he is still drinking, it will only cause problems in the relationship and cannot be good for your sobriety. You can do this without him.
.
I decided my sobriety comes first. I realized I couldn't stay in that relationship and get sober at the same time.
If he is still drinking, it will only cause problems in the relationship and cannot be good for your sobriety. You can do this without him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome!
lots goin on. reads like a good chance your expectations of what his support would be and how he feels he should be supportive are different. active alcoholics, as im sure you know with youre own case, are selfish and self centered. not much caring about others and will get away from people that are a threat to their drinking.
is it that the healthier you get the sicker he gets
or
the longer you are sober the more out of denial YOU are getting and are realizing the truth?
prolly wouldnt be easy breakin it off, but whats the alternative? seems to me like the alternative would be insanity and eventually YOU getting the "f-its" and drinking again.
you didnt cause HIS drinking
you cant control HIS drinking
you cant cure HIS drinking.
please protect your sobriety at any cost
lots goin on. reads like a good chance your expectations of what his support would be and how he feels he should be supportive are different. active alcoholics, as im sure you know with youre own case, are selfish and self centered. not much caring about others and will get away from people that are a threat to their drinking.
is it that the healthier you get the sicker he gets
or
the longer you are sober the more out of denial YOU are getting and are realizing the truth?
prolly wouldnt be easy breakin it off, but whats the alternative? seems to me like the alternative would be insanity and eventually YOU getting the "f-its" and drinking again.
you didnt cause HIS drinking
you cant control HIS drinking
you cant cure HIS drinking.
please protect your sobriety at any cost
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,867
Welcome to SR, girlwithdog24; very glad you found us.
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your boyfriend.
Support is so very helpful.
You've had really great advice above here.
I will just reiterate that your sobriety needs to be your #1 priority and focus. Whatever threatens that priority and focus should be avoided.
We are here for you.
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your boyfriend.
Support is so very helpful.
You've had really great advice above here.
I will just reiterate that your sobriety needs to be your #1 priority and focus. Whatever threatens that priority and focus should be avoided.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
AA Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by tomsteve
AA Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
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