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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 11
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I am not even sure what to post but I know I need some support. I have been a closet alcoholic for, wow the last 7 years or so. I can't even figure out how it all started. I never drank, in fact I hated being around anyone who was drinking. Then 7 years ago I met a guy who had a few every night but he never was what one would think of as being a drunk. He was always really nice and the beer never changed his personality. So there I was drinking with him whenever we were together. 5 Years ago I moved in with him and it quickly became an every night thing. Every night for the past 5 years I have just fallen into bed drunk by 9pm and up at 5am for work.
On April 4 I woke up so sick and told him I was done with the beer. I could not function at all. My body felt like it was going to shut down on me. I went through so many days in a huge fog. I have worked at the same place for the past 6 years and could not remember a code for a toilet that I have typed in about a million times and I realized I was not living any more I was just existing.
Other than me and hubbie no one knows how much we drink. My family has not got a clue. They still see me as the once a year glass of wine and a beer every now and then.
Yesterday at work I have no idea what was wrong with my boss but just wow, she was on me all day. I was so stressed out, got home and cracked a freaking beer uggg. I have no idea why I did it but I did and fell into bed at 9pm so here I am the morning of my 46th birthday pissed off at myself but remembering exactly why I quit. I feel like crap my brain does not want to work and all I can think is never again but I have no one to talk to. Hubbie will not give up the beer and I will not ask him to. I just have to keep reminding myself of how I feel right this moment how I feel and why I never want to wake up feeling like this ever again.
On April 4 I woke up so sick and told him I was done with the beer. I could not function at all. My body felt like it was going to shut down on me. I went through so many days in a huge fog. I have worked at the same place for the past 6 years and could not remember a code for a toilet that I have typed in about a million times and I realized I was not living any more I was just existing.
Other than me and hubbie no one knows how much we drink. My family has not got a clue. They still see me as the once a year glass of wine and a beer every now and then.
Yesterday at work I have no idea what was wrong with my boss but just wow, she was on me all day. I was so stressed out, got home and cracked a freaking beer uggg. I have no idea why I did it but I did and fell into bed at 9pm so here I am the morning of my 46th birthday pissed off at myself but remembering exactly why I quit. I feel like crap my brain does not want to work and all I can think is never again but I have no one to talk to. Hubbie will not give up the beer and I will not ask him to. I just have to keep reminding myself of how I feel right this moment how I feel and why I never want to wake up feeling like this ever again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Hey, there! Glad you are here. I'm coming up on my 45th birthday and, like you, I don't think anyone knows how much I had been drinking. I had 4 wonderfully sober years and then started drinking, again, back last November. Similar to all of your reasons above (brain fog being a huge one), I am now on day 5 of being sober. WELCOME!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello, welcome and happy birthday.
I can relate. At the end of my drinking career, I was merely existing. Just a repository for alcohol.
Then, all the guilt , shame anxiety and self loathing that came after I had sworn off alcohol for the hundredth time. In the end I remember why I even drank anymore. To get drunk.
I'm older than you and drank alcoholically for twenty years. I thought I was fooling people, but my condition gave me away. Most everyone knew I was a drunk. Except me.
I was the last one to know. In the end, it was shots of whiskey at 8am, then beer the rest of the day. A real social drinker, eh? I had know idea how it had gotten that bad or even why I was doing it.
In the end, like you, I could not function on any meaningful level. Just existing.
After particularly bad drunks in close succession, and a bad withdrawal, I had a wake up call. I am an alcoholic and cannot control my drinking and n't been able to for years.
I called AA. I came here. I went to an AA meeting and found people just like me, though we had little else in common
I can relate. At the end of my drinking career, I was merely existing. Just a repository for alcohol.
Then, all the guilt , shame anxiety and self loathing that came after I had sworn off alcohol for the hundredth time. In the end I remember why I even drank anymore. To get drunk.
I'm older than you and drank alcoholically for twenty years. I thought I was fooling people, but my condition gave me away. Most everyone knew I was a drunk. Except me.
I was the last one to know. In the end, it was shots of whiskey at 8am, then beer the rest of the day. A real social drinker, eh? I had know idea how it had gotten that bad or even why I was doing it.
In the end, like you, I could not function on any meaningful level. Just existing.
After particularly bad drunks in close succession, and a bad withdrawal, I had a wake up call. I am an alcoholic and cannot control my drinking and n't been able to for years.
I called AA. I came here. I went to an AA meeting and found people just like me, though we had little else in common
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I hope you read around the site and see how important support is and how important a plan is on making sure you carry through with the decision to quit drinking.
Memory is a poor recovery tool. Your memory of why you quit the 4th didn't see you through yesterday's stress. It rarely does.
Originally Posted by insignia 
I just have to keep reminding myself of how I feel right this moment how I feel and why I never want to wake up feeling like this ever again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Lost that post above.
To finish, you're not alone. You'll find people here who understand. You've taken a big step by posting and admitting you may have a problem.
Reminding yourself of how you feel is a great idea that I always recommend.
That, and reading posts like yours, and AA have kept me sober for over six years now. And I was a bad drunk.
Best to you and stick around.
To finish, you're not alone. You'll find people here who understand. You've taken a big step by posting and admitting you may have a problem.
Reminding yourself of how you feel is a great idea that I always recommend.
That, and reading posts like yours, and AA have kept me sober for over six years now. And I was a bad drunk.
Best to you and stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 11
Not as pissed at myself now. Feeling pretty upbeat and positive. Thank you all for your words. Going to spend the rest of the day finishing up the quilts I started a few months ago. Also word to the wise. Do not try to quilt well drinking. Spent about 2 hours picking out stitches that were in no way even close to straight lol.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome, insignia.
I didn't really 'get' how it had gotten as bad as it had gotten, either.
these days - in my 4th year of sobriety - I am so grateful that I don't even need to get it. All I need to get is that alcohol isn't aligned with what I want life to be.... and to choose sobriety every day.
You can live a wonderful, happy life without the burden of alcohol.
I didn't really 'get' how it had gotten as bad as it had gotten, either.
these days - in my 4th year of sobriety - I am so grateful that I don't even need to get it. All I need to get is that alcohol isn't aligned with what I want life to be.... and to choose sobriety every day.
You can live a wonderful, happy life without the burden of alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
As promised, links to some really good SR threads:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ighlight=Psstt
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ighlight=Psstt
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Another: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-one.html
Great way to interact with other SR members at the same stage in their quest for sobriety.
Great way to interact with other SR members at the same stage in their quest for sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-231-a.html
A thread in which to post a daily commitment to sobriety.
A thread in which to post a daily commitment to sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 11
Thanks for the links sober Leigh.
Today did no turn out so well. Hubbie and I got into an argument about something really stupid and I broke down in tears for the better part of the afternoon. I don't think he understands why I was so mad at myself this morning. We made up earlier tonight and now he is in bed and I am taking some time to go through a lot of the threads you posted as well as many more.
I am a bit proud of myself, I made it through the argument and not only did I not have a drop I didn't even want it.
Today did no turn out so well. Hubbie and I got into an argument about something really stupid and I broke down in tears for the better part of the afternoon. I don't think he understands why I was so mad at myself this morning. We made up earlier tonight and now he is in bed and I am taking some time to go through a lot of the threads you posted as well as many more.
I am a bit proud of myself, I made it through the argument and not only did I not have a drop I didn't even want it.
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