Kdd363

Hi, I'm pretty new to all of this. My boyfriend has fallen off the wagon for the second time since we started dating 5 months ago. The first time I spent a day and night with him at his request to make sure he didn't drink anymore, but when I went to work the next day, he went back out to buy more alcohol. This time he says that he decided "f*ck it" (his words) after he didn't get a job that he really wanted and really thought he was going to get. He hasn't been employed since the last time he got fired when he was drinking. He passed over multiple opportunities in the meantime and put all his eggs in one basket, going through this 3 month interview process, even though I advised him that was risky. Anyway, now he wants me to come over and do the same thing - babysit him and make sure he doesn't drink for another 24 hours. I need advice on how to handle this situation. I'm not sure it is a good idea to run to his rescue. Isn't that enabling and making him more codependent? I'm just scared, because the last time he only stopped drinking after ending up in the hospital with pancreatitis and gallbladder problems. The blessing was that they kept him until he detoxed, and he was okay for some months after that. I myself was laid off from a 10 year job this week, 2 days before he fell off the wagon. He was there for me that day and night while I cried and grieved (no drinking). And two days later he doesn't get a job and this happened. I need to deal with my own crisis right now and want to help him. I'm just not sure the best way to do so.

Alan6154

Do not feel guilty. Take care of yourself first and foremost. A structure (relationship) cannot stand with out a strong foundation. I am sure he is bummed about not getting the job. But in the big picture of life there are people with real problems be they medical, dealing with a sick relative, or just living someplace third world where clean water is a rarity.

Things must be kept in perspective.

Also you want someone who is an asset in life not a liability. Perhaps that is a discussion you can have with your BF. Worded your own way of course.

Beware of the trap of co-dependency. There are a lot of good threads and wise people here on SR that can provide you with info and resources.

Best of luck...

Berrybean

You can't really help him with the drinking side of things, and it sounds like that is the problem. Perhaps you could help yourself to deal with it by getting some support. There will be AlAnon meetings local to you no doubt.

What has your boyfriend done as far as recovery work is concerned . If we just try to cut out drinking but don't put other things in place - learn new coping strategies so that we can deal with life on life's terms (because just because we're sober, spent mean the world is suddenly going to be an easy place to live). Dee has a great thread on making a recovery plan. .. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html which you could perhaps direct him towards. AA is all about recovery as well. People think it's just to stop us drinking, but actually it's about learning to live sober. If we look at the 12 steps of AA we see that it's only step 1 that even mentions alcohol. You could show him the information from this site. But he has got to want sobriety for anything to work.

Anyway. Prayers for both of you. I hope he finds a recovery plan that works for him, and that you find a good support network if you are determined to stay with an alcoholic in the long term.

I'd also suggest visiting the friends and family of alcoholics area of this forum, and reading the threads and advice on there if you have not yet done so. Perhaps you could even post your request there as well... Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Wishing you all the best. Bb

doggonecarl

Five months in and this is where you are? Babysitting a drunk? And if this is where you are at five months, look down the road, say a year, five years. Do you think it's going to get any better? Perhaps. But then again, perhaps not. Alcoholism is progressive. And since the relationship is fairly new, I'm betting you are seeing him at his best.

My advice, don't stick around to see him at his worst.

Forward12

I personally would really re-think this relationship as it sound like it's starting to go down a bad path of codependency/alcoholism which never ends up well.

MarkTwain

No kidding. You deserve better at five months.

There's dozens of sober guys out there, but you have only ONE recovery. Yours.

(By the way, in the good old days way back when, we had a collective rule about not dating for a year. Just a thought.)

soberandhonest

Hi Kdd. I'm sorry that you've had such a rough week. We are all here for you.

With respect to your BF, this might seem rude, but if his recovery plan starts and ends with "GF will babysit me," then it is doomed. My advice is that, while this relationship is relatively new and before you have too much invested, decide what your expectations are with respect to his sobriety, inform him of those expectations, and walk away immediately if he is unable or unwilling to meet them. Obvious, your expectations should not include his sobriety being dependent on you in any way. Sounds emotionless, I know, but it is the best thing for you, it gives him a chance to save the relationship and, whether you know it or not, is probably the best thing for him.

PippoRossi

I'm with dogonecarl. If you want to keep your sanity, run for the hills!

Db1105

If your boyfriend is an alcoholic, there is absolutely nothing you can do for him other than pray to combat his disease. I've seen this situation all to often and what usually happens is a single mother with an absent alcoholic who helped produced a child. IMHO, the best thing to do is dump him and work one yourself.

Frank14

It doesn't sound like he really wants to get off alcohol. If he did HE would be the one on this forum searching for solutions. I would give him a choice to get off the alcohol and seek help or you're not sticking around. Suggest AA meetings, etc., and see how that goes. If he's not aggressively seeking help then you have your answer.

He needs to want this and having you come over to babysit him is a total joke. There are many of us on this forum fighting for our lives with everything we have. It sounds like he's putting ZERO effort into this recovery which absolutely will not happen unless he puts forth 100% effort on his own. He's setting things up to blame on you is what it sounds like. This isn't fair to you so early in this relationship that's for sure.

hellrzr

I'm not sure exactly how to say this but if you were "normal" you wouldn't be on this board even asking this question. You would have headed for the hills and not looked back months ago! That being said, maybe you should seek out some Al-Anon meetings. They will help you understand what it is about you that makes you seek out relationships like this. This guys actions aren't normal and your actions of staying with him and enabling him are not normal. You both need help.

By the way, in case you haven't guessed it yet my vote is for you to run like hell away from this guy as fast as you can!!!! The real key will be for you to avoid the exact same situation with someone else. That will be your challenge.

STDragon

I see you're getting the same 'dump him' advice on the Friends and Family forum too. Good luck.