HealthFirst

Wow... my first attempt at real recovery was going so well. I went to several AA meetings at first and stayed clean for 2 years and 3 months. Everything was beautiful. Focused on my family, almost zero fights with my spouse all of a sudden, and all was just right. But then, one of my parents got terminally ill. I thought I could handle it fine and I did for 5 months without drinking.

I started going to therapy to deal with my depression after realizing I couldn't cope with the illness. I was diagnosed with ADHD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. Nice. Now I got a cocktail of drugs to treat that.

And one night, I thought I deserve a beer while out with some friends who were drinking hard liquor. All went well.

On a separate night, I enjoyed another beer. No big deal.

Then, I enjoyed 5 beers. Still no hard liquor, what could go wrong, right? Problem was, I felt that buzz this time and I liked it.

Of course, I stepped up my game to hard liquor one night during a major occasion. The beers led to a few shots and I was trashed. But I thought it would be that one rare special occasion and I managed to moderate for a few months after with one drink here and there.

Then slowly I increased the limit because everything was fine and a f*cked up person like me can't handle that and need to screw things up. And my parent passed away. So now I felt I really deserved to drink even though my psych meds each say to avoid alcohol and I take 3 different ones. And I've been down this damn road before and finally quit with the help of this forum, my spouse, and some AA meetings (I did not do any steps but read and listened) yet I decide to play with fire. Then of course while I'm drunk, a little line of coke won't hurt. Next time, I bought a bag. Next thing you know, I'm hanging out with that crew again who loves drinking and doing coke. ****
So here I am, feeling the same again. Woke up this morning cussing myself out like I used to do when I would wake up with a hangover. It messes with my depression so badly.

I explained to my wife today that I'm realizing that I'm going there again. And that if I can't get it under control, that I am going cold turkey again. And she said she's very proud of me. I don't think she was enabling me these past few months because I was dealing with a lot of grief and had my stuff under control. And I don't think she realizes how ****** I feel after I use and abuse.

So... that's my damn update. The one before this was probably about how great things were while I was clean. Now I'm 8 months into this slow progression into destruction. I looked at some moderation management group which led to stories about their higher ups confessing to murder, another killing someone while drinking and driving, so that didn't appeal to me.

****...

doggonecarl

By getting it under control, do you mean your drinking? And if you can't you'll quit completely?

I think your 8 month slide back to the abyss would be enough proof that you can't control it. Hope you decide that total sobriety is the answer.

Harry02

Well you managed very large stretches of sobriety which is Kudos. I'd rob an off license for those sobriety patterns.

Dee74

First off I'm sorry for your loss.

I have to agree with Carl tho - for anyone reading this it seems like you've already shown quite conclusively that you can't get it under control'

Doesn't sound like you're having a great time drinking either, so why persist?


D

least

I hope you'll take advantage of our support and let us help you get sober for good this time.

HealthFirst

@doggonecarl - yes, I mean seeing if I can control it. I'm in denial, clearly. But I did have a significant situation in my life. As I wrote that, I realized what a copout excuse it is. I manipulate myself so well.

@Harry02 - thank you. I am known to be quite the extremist. All or none. I see it applied here, too.

@Dee74 - thank you. It was very tragic to slowly lose someone that I admired my whole life. It could have been worse, though, if it were without warning and prep time. I don't enjoy getting trashed. But I do enjoy one beer or trying different types of scotch. The problem is that it's so ******* hard to keep it at one. I guess that is why we're here in the first place. Grr.

@least - I sincerely appreciate it. I would not have done it last time without this forum. And it's so nice to know you all exist. Thank you.

Dee74

It took me years to learn it wasn't the last drink that screwed me up, it was actually the first...

after that first drink I had no way of knowing what I might do or where I might end up.

If nothing bad or embarrassing happened and I managed not to get 'too drunk', that was good luck, not any control on my part.

like they say in AA it's the engine that gets you, not the caboose....

no first drink = no last drink = no problem

D

JustTony

Thank you for your post.

Firstly I'm very sorry for your loss. Nothing good comes from losing one that we love so much.

Secondly it seems like you have the answers that you need? You had a brilliant and long period of sobriety. You then tried to moderate and it seemed to be going ok. You then slowly slipped into the madness again....It's like I'm reading a post from 'Christmas Future' - I have a huge fear that this will be me I'm reading about if I ever dare believe I can control drinking again.

You have all the support you want in this fellow poster should you ever need it. I know I need the support of you and stories like yours if I have even the smallest chance of sobriety in the long term.