Pacsunify

So I'm new here, and I guess I just need... I don't know what I need. I am 33 y/o male and I've been pretty much an everyday drinker since I was about 19. Actually my first drink was in Iraq. I was probably always going to be an alcoholic. Both parents were, and being around it constantly in the army, there was that. I've been out of the army for about five years now and bounced around jobs. Drinking has been the only thing I've steadily done. About two years ago I made my first real attempt to quit. Went four months and felt amazing. I relapsed and was back to my old ways very quickly. Then last summer I went to my first AA meeting, starting going regularly, and went two months, and since then I've just been able to string a week or two here and there. It's getting progressively worse and worse. It's usually been a mental problem seemingly, but now I am physically ill, weak, and unable to sleep. My PTSD symptoms are worsening, and then today... I quit my job. Wasn't fired, I quit so that I could focus on my sobriety and my overall physical and mental health. But the job was amazing, working with homeless vets. To leave that gig shows me how bad my condition is. I live on my own and have developed pretty extreme agoraphobia. I definitely use alcohol to self-medicate. Tonight I went out and drank a few beers as the last week I hit it really hard and I honestly felt the need to "taper off". I plan on going to outpatient treatment through the VA. Wednesday is my intake. I guess I'm just posting because I need to. I need to treat this like it's life-or-death because for me it is. Those four months sober two years ago showed me a glimmer of what life can be like. Thanks for reading.

Vinificent

Just reading and posting here will be so beneficial. There are many in the same position as you and reading about all our journeys, in conjunction with your own plans, can really help get you where you want to be.

Good luck and WELCOME

Dee74

Hi and welcome Pacsunify

Thanks for your service. I'm glad your going though the VA -I hope they can help with both your drinking and your PTSD.

Coming here and becoming a part of this community really helped me too - I couldn't string 3 days together before I got here. Support really helps

D

Time2Focus

You can do this! We all can if we take the right steps and tell our addiction that we don't want to go back to that dark place.

Pacsunify

That's what I'm hoping. I have struggled going to meetings lately. I feel judged, given that I keep going to meetings but can't string 30 days together. I know they aren't really judging me and they are understanding, but it's embarrassing and I can't open up to them. I can't open to hardly anyone for that matter but at least here I don't have to see and hear people lol.

argillaceous

Pacsunify, welcome! I've only been on SR for about a month, but I've had more days sober after finding this site than I've had in 35 years of drinking. I tried so, so, so many times to quit on my own. I set dates. I tried tapering. Nothing I did seemed to help. I truly hated myself for not having the willpower to quit on my own.

And then I found SR. It is a community that is comprised of caring, compassionate people from around the world who understand what it is like to try to quit because they have all gone through it. And you can to. You are taking all the right steps. You should be proud of what you have already accomplished.

Also, I would like to thank you for your service to our country. We are fortunate to have people like you who will fight for our freedoms.

Will be thinking about you and hope you continue posting.

LuluBread

I'm new here too...on day 3. Quit on Wednesday.....got so sick I had to go to urgent care and get 2 full IV's and meds. I still feel horrible. Please post on your outpatient treatment. I'm going to start AA meetings tomorrow...I'm actually making myself go no matter what (and I really don't want to go, but I know I cannot do this on my own anymore).

Ambuler

Nm

Dee74

whats up ambuler?

D

JustTony

Thank you for your post Pacsunify - knowing how you went dry for 4 months and then slipped back into the madness is literally, a sobering thought for me to begin my day with in the UK.

I hope you find the support that you need in the outpatient programme through VA

What I can say is that I have been on SR (after a long break from another user name) for 12 days. I think I have about 50 posts? I'm here first thing in the morning and during my witching hours at night. SR has really helped me in lots of obvious ways and in some not quite so obvious. It's weird but just the thought of coming on here and saying that I slipped is enough to make me want to stay sober! Whilst I know I wouldn't be judged - only supported - it gives me a huge feeling of uneasiness! Whatever works eh?

Tony

Meraviglioso

Welcome to the site! You are doing a great thing by reaching out for help. I know how difficult that can be but it will be the start of something great for you if you accept it. Keep posting here, we are all here to support you in this journey.

5upersonic

Welcome, you'll find lots of support and practical help here.

Stick around.

Berrybean

Sounds like you've reached a new stage of willingness. Willingness to make changes. Are you going to get a sponsor and start working on the steps? My friend had some post traumatic stress from her years in a stressful conflict situation and found that the step work did lessen it's grip on her. I can tell it did as her smile reaches her eyes now and she is relaxed and laughs a lot. Sometimes I feel moved to tears when I glance over at her and see what recovery is doing for her. It's pretty amazing. She too spent a while (almost a year) attending AA but in a crazy recovery hokey cokey dance.

Anyway. I wish you all the best for this new stage of your recovery. Would you be able to opt for inpatient and detox if you found that you needed this?

BB

Lava256

I go to AA if for nothing more than to be accountable to myself. I am an alcoholic. TBH that's what most alcoholics do and it works for many of them. Perhaps there's something to it.

tomsteve

hey pac, im glad youre here and glad you made the decision to get into action.
I can be quite amazed at how many vets I have met in AA- vets that have gone through some serious life and are now sober and able to manage the effects occurred during their service.
theres also a recovery group called sober soldiers.
https://www.facebook.com/sobersoldierMonroeMI/
im not sure how wide spread they are at that time but have met a few vets in AA that are also members of sober soldiers.

opening up was extremely difficult for me. the fear of how someone would react. part of that fear was brought on by my past and who I would open up to back then. quite often I was ridiculed, judged, or had rumors/gossip spread about me.
but in AA it was quite different. both at meetings and with my sponsor, I found people that cared and wanted to help me find solutions- one huge problem was being responsible for the death of another human while I was drunk- something I drank over for many years( that didn't help,either) and had no idea I had PTSD symptoms from it until I talked to my sponsor.
even with my sponsor, when I got him I did just automatically open up- he had to earn my respect and trust and that took time.
but it helped me tremendously- helped me find solutions.

RetiredGuy

Thanks for your service. You deserve the peace that sobriety will bring you!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Pacsunify!!