8 years and struggling
 

I've been sober for just over 8 years and I feel extremely disconnected from my higher power. The last 2 years have been very stressful with a loss of a job, strain on my marriage etc. I know my higher power is not Santa Clause, but there is a part of me that feels like I'm being punished. I am praying everyday multiple times, going to meetings, and attempting to help others to get out of my self pity, but to no avail. Thankfully I have no desire to drink, but I have to admit, as ashamed as I am to type it, I can't help but wonder what is it all for. I am being consumed with anger and self pity, because I don't feel I am getting any direction from my higher power. I am lost and scared.

So you get anyone to help you think stuff through differently? A counsellor?

I am very new to sobriety. But here is just part of my list of reasons to stay sober:

1. I get very ill when I STOP drinking.
2. Every binge results in a trip to the hospital for withdrawal.
3. I make an idiot out of myself when I drink.
4. I lose out on career opportunities.
5. I ruin relationships.
6. I don't take care of myself at all.
7. Withdrawal is just plain he!!.
8. When I'm sober, I wake up without a hangover.
9. When I'm sober, I make better decisions.
10. If I don't ever drink again, I won't ever drink and drive again.

Not necessarily in that order. That's just off the top of my head. Alcohol never made anything better, it just made me feel worse. Worse and worse and worse...

Man that's tough times in the valley. I've been there a lot the last couple years for the same reasons. You are not alone.

At times like this I recall the second part of the serenity prayer, it helps.

I find doing tasks can refocus my brain along with use of mantram. The problem is between my left and right ear - nothing more. Typically my lows are deeper when I procrastinate and act in a slothful manner. It takes effort to drag myself out of this but when I can using spiritual tool and my own initiative the clouds let the sun come out, mostly.

Yesterday was really bad and I was somebody else. I didn't panic but simply went to bed very early and slept for 10 hours. I was exhausted. Today was much different outlook and I looked at things with more energy.

A friend announced his cancer had returned and was told less than 6 months to live. This was jarring as well and woke me back up. My jazzz turned to gratitude in short order.


Thanks for posting this - it helped me to type this out. You are not alone in the valley my friend.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Maybe try doing something positive for yourself, like a professional massage or vacation.

I don't know but I know how to get to know. By posing the question. That's step one. Keep asking the question and keep listening for the answer and the answer will come. Maybe not at the rate you want but it will come. In the meantime, the resentment from maintaining an anger is not helpful. It reminds me of once when I was very angry. I cannot remember why or at who the anger was directed. I asked a wise man and he said it's your ego. Now I got angry at him. I went and sat somewhere and thought. OK I know this man is wise and he is not flippant. How can this painful knot inside me formed by me dwelling in my anger be my ego. Ok, I will feel my pain and as I did so and thought about how it could be ego it suddenly dissolved and I laughed. Yes, he was so right. Nothing had changed except my relationship to the knot. I had solved nothing on the outside. What was a consuming passion became a laughter and was gone.

You can count on us

....Just because you only see one set of footprints in the sand doesn't mean God left you. It means He carried you.

Hi Frankfurter

When I get out of touch with my recovery, I go back to basics - redouble my support and my helping others.

When I get out of touch with God tho, I invariably find the problems not with God, but me. I'm the imperfect one.

Sometimes I have expectations not being met, that fester as resentments.

Sometimes I want something thats not good for me, but I want it anyway.

Other times times I'm being lead to do something thats right, but I don't wanna, or my pride stops me.

Sometimes I have so much damn static in my head I can't hear God.

Some times I need to get out of my own way, y'know?.

D

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the thoughts and advice.

Amen