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I'm new and I wrote a long ass intro, sorry

Old 04-17-2017, 04:51 PM
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I'm new and I wrote a long ass intro, sorry

not sure anyone will read it, and it's got kind of some internet nerd lingo in it, if something is not clear, feel free to ask for clarifications if you actually read this lol.

here's a little glossary in case you need

fujoshi : yaoi (gay/slash manga anime)
dck and mxe: dissociative research chemicals
/dis/: part of an image board i first posted this on and that i've frequented on and off since 2008
weeb: a westerner who wants to become japanese, but i use it ironically to describe myself as a japanese culture/anime fan though i'm not actually a cringey weeb, at least for the most part lol.
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> eldest daughter of middle class French Canadian family of 3 children, always had emotional issues and confidence issues as a kid/teen, got addicted to internet and games at an early age, chubby but not obese, not super attractive but not hideous, almost no friends in 7th-8th grade but a few, kind of on the fringe and never popular, bullied a bit but nothing major, bullied the REALLY outcast kids myself sometimes but nothing major either.

>had eczema on my arms and legs (not face thx god) from 4 to like 11, made me super self-conscious, kids made fun of my rashes so I wore long sleeves and bullied me about how they were gonna catch it. Really hated it and cried a lot about it. Still had some friends and good times though and it was never on a like “mom gotta call the school and move anon to a different one” level (not that that would’ve been an option cuz rural as **** town)

> found a little plastic bag with little weed leaves on it in 5th grad in the garage, i cry because MY DAD IS A DRUGGY, mom tells me he stores screws in it, i believe her lol. Saw him come inside with a paper bag full of dried leaves once and I said whats that and he said “potato leaves 😊” and I believed him. Don’t think he ever was more than a casual user/vendor though. Hes just a hippy and likes growing **** outside.

> Grand-father (moms dad) had an alcoholic phase from what I’ve heard when my mom was young but apparently he got it under control and was ok for a while til he had stroke and died when I was 5, no idea if his addiction issues were severe or not

> women in moms family are all pretty crazy in borderline/hysterical ways but we were never around them much so idk the extent, only that my dad hated my grand-mother and that I stayed with my great aunt once when I was 18 and after a week we had a giant fight and I haven’t seen or talked to her again since
> mental health in family is otherwise normal, anxiety and depression but nothing major?

> love ANIME AND MANGA AND YAOI AND VIDYA GAMES *sakuracon voice* nobody else does where I live, lonely in my lonely ass town and i have dial up, can't really make friends on mmos but im always online and learn English, make online friends etc, fills the void in my life but also isolates me/makes me more different from everyone else because my interests and hobbies are different

> parents fight but its never that traumatic except like ONE big fight where my mom found out my dad cheated on her. In the end he stayed in our home from then (I was 11 til about when I was 15? Built himself a house 5 mins down the road, parents are friends now and have good relationship)

> brother is 3 years younger, sister is 5. We get along and brother likes videogames too, but he has anger issues and we fight. Parenting philosophy is “you’ll stop when you get hurt”, never learned to control my anger, just hit each other until we cried a lot or got tired. Ran after one another with knives a few time or locked each other out with no clothes in the winter and stuff like that though lol. We stopped fighting once he went through puberty and I wasn’t strong enough to fight with him anymore + I got older and too mature for that, so him being like 12-13 and me 15-16. This is a bit relevant because ive hit my boyfriend before and I ******* HATE myself when I do that, though it hasn’t happened that often. Im a really ****** person and I hate myself for being this way, just another reason why he should leave me, there are many more as you will see later.

> never was abused or anything like that, though I have daddy issues. Always felt judged by him and like I wasn’t good enough. He told me I’d end up a lazy fat welfare queen as a way to motivate me to work harder and go outside, didn’t like that I was net nerd and liked to stay inside and play vidya and talk to my “fake friends” on the internet. I still cry when my dad criticizes me for not eating healthy/staying inside too much etc or when he tells me he loves me lol but that doesn’t happen that often

>mom like WHY ARENT U BE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL, critical of other women/my/her own weight. Buys a lot of snacks and doesn’t really force me to hate my vegetables. Im chubby but not obese. I actually used to feel closer to my mom when I was younger but now that im older, we cant be around more than each other like a week or we fight. She taught me how to say hurtful things and how to emotionally hit below the belt because it wont matter, you can apologize and take them back later etc.

> its normal to give alcohol to 12/13 yos and to buy them alcohol for parties in the rural french canadian town where im from, everyone does it, i drink wine with mom on fridays while she cooks dinner, binge drink a few times with friends in my teen years with my parents approval, nothing major. there's a girl who's mom wont buy her beer, we're all like "wtf is wrong with your mom?"

> the one 7th grader friend I make in 8th grade is the gay son of my mom’s alcoholic high school sweetheart, they get back in touch because of us and start dating, they date until like maybe 5 years ago? He’s not a violent or pass out alcoholic, just drinks beer all day and kinda gets out of it/incoherent and complains about stuff. The son actually killed himself like a month and a half ago though I hadn’t seen him in like idk, 8 years? Depression and orientation issues I think. Kinda ****** me up. I really don’t want me siblings and parents to have to deal with my suicide (relevant-ish later)

> broke out of shell in 9th and made more friends, got more confident (some i partied with, some non)

> met american boyfriend and my BFF on ragnarok online in 2005 when 16 in senior year (quebec, only have 11 grades of school then cegep, no 12th)

> met him irl in 2006 and spent the summer there, was great

> come home and go to technical school for graphic design cuz im a weeb and like drawing anime ****

> barely last two months, i dont actually like art more than as a weeby hobby, drop out super depressed, room is in squalor, never cooked or cleaned or did my laundry myself because mommy babbied me, worried about going home but parents tell me its ok

> do nothing watch anime and tv, play wow and get high from like 2007-2009, depressed and suicidal, 14 yo brother is more social than me but a bit of an eccentric and geeky too but not as much as me, has an easier time meeting geeky minded people (im friend with his friends too though not as much, his grade just had cooler people i guess + boys) and they do drugs together, introduces me to weed, spending time at boyfriend on and off when I can too (money, visas etc, he and family supports me, made a bit of money doing freelance graphics and arts stuff too)

> I smoke weed with my brother, step dad and steal beer from him a lot because there’s always 40 packs in the house and nobody notices if a few goes missing. Step dad asks us if we wanna go smoke with him every now and then, we do.

> find 420chan at some point in 2008 cuz now im a 420 SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY fag, click on /dis/ cuz idk what it means, discover that you can get high off cough syrup, get an interest in other drugs, find 5 years old expired codeine in the bathroom, experimentation starts, love affair with dxm starts
> doctor puts me on ssri at some point when i go in because im depressed (also benzos), works rly badly for me, decide im going to either kill myself or snap out of depression after a year or something, ween myself off, sign up for college

> some time i spend there with my boyfriend (like months at a time) he lives in mom’s basement but has a job, loves me and is sad that im depressed and do drugs, really good person, smart and loves vidya, handsome face but fat/confidence issues/anxiety/wont share all his emotions or thoughts cuz TOXIC MASCULANITY or some ****

> cegep for 2 years and a half but no diploma, doing social sciences in english even though im french for immersion/trying to figure out my life,
> meet dorm mate boy, im too fat at first for him to care to bed me but we get high a lot and play vidya, always hanging out and drinking on week nights, smoking weed, tripping balls once in a while

> support myself and my drug/alcohol/binge food use because Quebec student loans are CRAZY ******* generous and i have all this money and a really cheap dorm/tuition/major and pirate games and anime, don't really care to spend my money on clothes or make up or "girl things"

>stayed functional thorough, get crazy good grades because im like 20-22 without trying because im naturally smart (im not humble brag lol) and these kids are 17 and dumb even though i barely study, other classes i only barely get by, depends if im interested or not/how easy they are/amount of drug use

> replaced my drug use with anorexia and bulimia that was triggered by a ritalin binge/lifelong body issues/critical mother/SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS for 2 years in 2010-2012

> lost 75lbs over a year and half or something from restricting/binge purging/exercise

> kept using drugs during that time but not as much, dorm mate enables me a lot too and i enable him back. he's attractive and smart too, nothing that off about him except that he's 5'4 and just doesn't get along that well with normies i guess?

> never lost enough weight for my weight to be in danger since i was p overweight to begin with but enough to start wearing XS/S and for people to nag me LOL IF U KEEP LOSING WEIGHT UR GONNA DISAPPEAR ANON, but still getting a lot of compliments about how i look good, TRIGGERED etc

> bad enough that i tell myself i'm going to kill myself if i cant snap out of it because my life is miserable and I find joy in nothing but obsessing over food porn/numbers/weight/binge purge and getting high and drunk, MMOs etc

> at some point im a trash bad person and take a “break” from my bf because of distance and kinda pseudo-cheated on him because i never slept with anyone else and im like 22 and see my bf twice a year, i get bored of the thrill of ******* someone new after a week, relationship becomes super awkward but he's moving in a month anyway, drops out of school and goes to technical school in the city, still friends on fb but p much never talk

> 1 year of school left, start drinking and doing drugs enough that i kinda lose interest in that, brain comes back to "normal", make a good friend, V, thats a good girl but also has anxiety and ED issues, my first TRUE REAL GEEKY IRL FRIEND that rly made me happy and realize I can meet people that are like me irl, but eventually lost contact cuz we both insecure and shes bad at having LDR friends, still friends on FB but never rly talk but I appreciated her for the time she was in my life

> i havent seen any HS friends since HS, but all through this, i have my one bff M1 that I met online around the same time as BF. same interests as me, we close friends all this time, on and off at times but mostly on. she struggles with addiction at some point for a few years (******* del of all things lol, but dissos too and opi) has abusive ldr boyfriend too, moves in with him in another state, in abusive relationship for a few year and kinda does nothing or works on and off the way I did when I was younger. it gets bad enough that im close to ditching her over it because seeing her hurting and giving up on life/depression is too depressing.

> after really bad times, she moves to another state eventually, gets job, stops dregz, eventually leaves him has her life together since like idk 3-4 years ago now? Wish I could be like her.

> After 6 months, I drop out of cegep because im bored of it even though im like 1 class away from my diploma, its kind of an useless one, just lets you go to a quebec university but i decide to go to a new-brunswick one with my high school diploma, cegep credits (if u know the quebec school system u know what i mean) decide to become a translator because i like languages/am bilingual

> at some point I go to the doctor to try to farm for benzos, half-lying about anxiety. He wont give me any but prescribes me celexa. I say why not. Been on it since. No idea if it’s ever helped or not.

> gained 110 back over the next 2-3 years (2014?)

> got back more heavily into drugs. Drug of choice are dissos and drinking. Ive plugged opiates and rcs. Considered IM but too chicken to get needles, still clear headed enough and “IM NOT JUNKIE ENOUGH TO IV”

> I ******* love dxm, mustve spent a couple thousand on it/done hundreds of times over the years. Otc and powder. Few grams of MXE when it was around, recently got into DCK. Opiates are nice but I only get them when I have an opportunity to exaggerate my pain for a diag (tooth infection, broken leg, IUD put in, steal from someone, never went out of my way to actually buy them illegally or RC) lied for benzos a few times but they just make me depressed and zombie, tried to lie for stims but never went to the referral appointments because it was too much trouble but some hippy girl in college gave me a months worth because I told her I thought I had adhd. I really did, I was just out of it because of all the smoking and drinking (the Ritalin that triggered my weight loss -> Eating disorder)

> brother has been addicted to street speed for idk, 6-7 years?? Don’t know if theyre amphetamines , meth or both. He used to get me them and I did them but the longest ive ever done them was like 3 months. Otherwise they’re a rare treat. Tried RC stims but they all suck ass in comparison.

> only had like one good psychedelic experience years ago, the rest were bad because I didn’t really study them and thought that I could use them when in a bad mood and that theyd make me happy or at least numb like a disso. Good joke. Had a really few ****** trips that were bad emotional rides but nothing terrifying because I didn’t dose enough

> ordered dck back in February and got sent 1p-lsd, did it with good vibes and 4 times since then and now I ******* love it. Want to do more psychedelics for ENLIGHTENMENT, half convinced I actually can find it, half-rationally tell myself that its just my addicted self speaking and I love feeling different and tripping balls

>never tried mdma but im trying to get off my ssri with partially the goal of trying it even though I know the crash will ******* wreck me because even the post-disso afterglow wrecks me and im emotionally unstable and get paranoid/anxious/depressed

> other reason is because I want to do psychedelics and because ive done so much dxm, my serotonin receptors are ****** and even a normal dose/schedule of ssri gives me withdrawals and nothing makes it go away but dxm so im effectively physically addicted to dxm

> did 3 months sobriety at some point, made uni friends, one p good friend, T who doesnt do drugs at all and is pretty normal, though we didn’t see each other between april-january and barely talked so I don’t know that she would stay in my life if we weren’t in the same city. We live in the same city and work together now though and are both fujo weebs gamers and im glad to have her but our friendship not as deep.

> have another close online friend, M2 that I met in 2013, she’s kinda egocentric and we don’t really go that deep on emotional issues because she’s just not that kind of person. Doesn’t have interest in drugs/never tried them and has expressed a few times when my addiction got too bad that it took time away from me talking to her and she felt hurt and neglected, but I’m honestly not sure she was REALLY all that concerned about my mental health versus the fact I wasn’t giving her gay RP anymore. I really appreciate her in my life and its fun to have a close friend I share interests with, but not really on the same tier as my two other bffs. Im pretty strong-willed and tell people my way of thinking, but she’s the only person im intimidated by and am kind of doormat to, will do things I don’t want to do because im afraid she’ll be mad etc even though she’s never really been that abusive either? Its not the BEST relationship but we still love each other and we’re important for one another I think, though I don’t think it’ll ever grow without some things being addressed and im not willing to address them because im not sure she would be receptive.

> T and E are my two best friends irl. We went to school together and now work together too. They don’t do drugs at all and never have. T likes to drink casually, E doesn’t. T lost her mom at 15 and has a rocky relationship with her dad, she’s younger but mature, is more “normal” and serious/hard working than me. She’s aware of my issues to an extent and we lived together in dorms for the last year of school, but she doesn’t really understand just how deeply ****** I am. When I graduated and went back to Quebec then 6 months to the US, we barely ever talked so I don’t think we would stay friends long term if we didn’t live in the same city/had the same job.

> E had some traumatic **** happen to her and understands psychological issues more, studied psychology and studies with severe depression and anxiety. I’m moving with her in a few weeks/months. She’s aware of all this/willing to help me/we set boundaries as far as she knows ill do drugs in exchange that I wont get mad if she puts her foot down if she thinks im ruining my life too much. She also doesn’t mind holding my drugs if I tell her “hold this for X days/weeks” as long as I don’t badger her to get them back. She relates to me in ways and not in others, etc. I’m glad to have her but afraid she’ll get tired of me if my addiction is too bad. Today boyfriend said she’s gonna regret moving in with me.

> many times i almost break up with my boyfriend over drugs, we co-dependant and hurt each other a lot but love each others good qualities and the things we have in common too. Never been broken up more than a few days since 2006.

> tried group therapy twice in like 2014 and 2015 never went for more than 2 sessions because these older people depress me/im not as bad as them/this is annoying to get to without a car

>I met M1 in march of 2015 in real life for the first time for spring break, did drugs and kinda fooled around a bit sexually (not in love, we explored that a little yeaaaaars ago but we will never love each other romantically and that’s a super clear definitive in both our minds even though bf and family doubts it sometimes but we know) I feel guilt and shame that I cheated on boyfriend, he doesn’t know and Im a horrible person. I considered leaving this part of the story out because I’m afraid you’ll all tell me to kill myself but ugh, I might as well be honest. It happened because I wanted to do it with a girl/someone new/try different kinks my boyfriend doesn’t have even though he’s indulged a lot of my ****** up kinks.

> didn’t mention that until now but I’m bisexual and have a lot of ****** up kinks sexually. i always 100% lived well with liking girls even as a teen, though my family never really believed me for years and thought it was a phase since I had a bf and didn’t talk about it much. Started being more vocal about it and telling them id bring a gf home if I broke up with bf someday. Sometimes dad says ****** comments but otherwise its fine. The kinks I mostly accept too though sometimes I feel bad that they’re so weird/problematic.

> I RP my realistic and unrealistic kinks with m1 and m2, but don’t actually masturbate that often (1-3 times a month maybe?) Mostly live my sexuality through fiction like a typical fujoshi and I’m okay with that. boyfriend is jealous/hurt/feels ****** about himself that I like RP more than sexting or phone sexing with him. I guess he’s right but to me that’s normal because we are in a long distance relationship. I do **** him when we are together irl about once a week, he doesn’t last long and we used to do more intricate scenes and stuff but we got lazy and I got wimpy about pain and idk, we talked about wanting to try to do more but idk if that will happen now for reasons ill explain later. Sex and drugs are the two core issues of my relationship issues on top of the distance.

> BF has a lot more shame issues regarding his kinks and orientation than I do, and it causes problems because he internalizes it and takes it personal that I like to RP those things but that I don’t get as excited about him doing it.
> one of my kinks I got paranoid obsessed over losing control over it and it making me a bad person after a months-long dxm binge in fall 2015 but once I started therapy and got sober I realized it was just my brain ******* up and bad thought patterns and that I’ll never actually do something bad in regards to that and that its just fantasy

> I went to see m1 in October of 2015 for fall break and for a few months before that, we talked about how we’d do drugs, but within those few months she kinda realize just how bad my addiction was because she hadn’t until then even though it’d been years/probably denial or whatever, but i kind of manipulating her into doing them with me anyways like YOU PROMISED WE WOULD DO THIS TOGETHER AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE IT AWAY THAT’S ****** etc and she gave in. so I don’t think I was really sober for a moment during that week,got drunk, did dxm, ketamine and lsd (for the first time), tried molly but didn’t roll cuz ssri, smoked a lot of weed and afterglow, etc. We were waiting for her results to find out whether she had cancer or not and it was ******* intense and insane and we had sex and it was all way too intense and beyond a normal friendship even though it wasn’t love and never was. (tumblr SJW snowflakes call it platonic love or something, zucchini, whatever, we used that term but it just became an umbrella for codependency and *******)

> We went further with the sex stuff too and drugs just took away my inhibition and guilt, already feeling like a gross ****** person so what’s one more ****** gross thing to hurt my codependant bf who wont leave me even though he should. Im the worst hate myself etc. m1 felt bad because abusive boyfriend I mentioned earlier was serial cheater but we still ended up doing it and there was a lot of shame and guilt on both of our parts after that.

> a few months later, because of the drug binge (that I said I would stop after the bender but didn’t and the ******* and the fact m1 made her first new online friends in years and I reacted badly to that, it was just a clusterfuck of everything bad and our relationship got really toxic because I was controlling/obsessed/too ****** up and going through emotional up and downs all the time and after ignoring me a while I was like OK **** U and blocked her and when she didn’t actually do anything about it and kept me away for like 3 months that ****** me a lot and I started getting high and drunk a lot and blaming it on her for abandoning me and ruining my life even though I know that was 100% my own decision

>saw shrink every 2 weeks from november 2015 to april 2016 (sober), no mental health diagnostic beside substance abuse disorder but im on the edge of borderline. High score on depression, anxiety and sociopathy (shoplifted and stole money for drugs a few times, feel like **** everytime I do and really anxious but craving drugs too much, selfish and egocentric) but nothing diag-worthy.

>Shes not specialized in addiction and idk if she can help me anymore, but she really did help at the time when I wanted to get sober and helped me figuring things out regarding m1, boyfriend, drugs, kinks and cheating, etc. I talked to her on the phone a few times between april and august since the university still covered it but I haven’t been eligible since. I moved back in this city and wanted to see her since January but haven’t been able to. I emailed her today and im finally on insurance again so ill be able to again, finally.

> I saw doctor twice too, I got a babby dose of risperidone for mood swings/impulse control/cravings, not sure if it really helped stabilize my mood or if it was just placebo/no drugs. I start making milk tho lol and eventually the script ran out and I stopped it because of that and cuz I wanted to trip/not sure if it helped/always hungry.

> start kinda slowly relapsing because shrink thinks it’s ok for me to drink once in a while if I go to a bar and socialize. Meanwhile im seeing social worker at addiction services. She tells me that doing drugs “only once” isn’t the end of my recovery and everything over. She tells me that BEFORE I relapse instead of after. I use it as an excuse to go buy dxm. Kinda resent her and her **** advice even though it was my decision.

> relapsed more seriously sometimes in march after 4 months sobriety when my bff ditched me over drugs-caused emotional issues because im too clingy and unstable. We met irl and it was amazing.> graduated while really depressed over not having my bff for 3 months or so, made up with her after a while, went to spend 6 months with my ldr boyfriend of 10 years who has never done drugs ever and hates my drug use/co-dependant/keeps enabling me and verbally belittling me over how much i suck because its the only coping mechanism he has left because he wont leave me and i wont leave him, was supposed to do freelance work but I was too lazy/depressed/high to care or try that hard.

> Halfway through that trip (august) I hit another rockbottom and decide to go back to Canada and stay sober. In the end I don’t go back til planned date (end of November) but I did stay sober.

> I was supposed to move in with him after cegep and go to uni in the US, but that was way too expensive and there was no exchange programs I could really do, so I went to uni and I wanted to go work there after uni, then I was too intimidated to just go right ahead to the US and wanted job experience first. I got my first adult job in January at 27, which feels bad because I really feel like im delayed but I guess that’s what drugs and mental issues do.

> otherwise on top of the little bit of freelance **** I did on and off through my young adulthood, I had one summer job in 2011 that went okay but they didn’t want to re-hire me the next summer because I wasn’t “professional” enough and the manager didn’t like me. Like I was too friendly, kinda slouched at the counter and admitted that I told a teenager who insulted me being slow to count change (probably because I was afterglow) to **** up to my manager because I overshare and trust people who are nice. Customers really liked me 99% of the time because I was friendly and charismatic, and that manager acted nicely but the big moody scary butch lesbian boss seemed to hate me and was rude to me and one time she made me cry and I hid in the bathroom for 40 minutes because when I start to cry I cant control it and people who aren’t criers don’t understand it and think its for attention but I literally cannot stop it even though theres nothing id want more. I also stole 200-400$ worth there which is part of why I know im a ****** borderline sociopathic person with flimsy morals. That experience really ****** me and my confidence as far as employment goes.

> had another summer job doing dishes/cooking/cleaning/greeting guests at a b&b that was run by two ****** babyboomers in 2012. I was drinking and doing mxe a lot then too, almost crashed my dad’s car once from afterglow fatigue and that was one of the scariest experiences of my life. Otherwise it was kind of ****** the more it went on because they kept criticizing me for not being fast enough or not cleaning the dishes well enough even though I was really good with guests and everyone really loved me because im charismatic/friendly/funny etc. my aunts and grand-mother came once and they thought the boss lady treated me really shittily but I never knew if I was the bad employee and my family was babying me or if they were critical ****** people and I guess ill never know. I got lazier and lazier and ruder the more fall approached because I knew id go back to school and would never go back. That also ****** my confidence as far as employment goes.

> The other summers of my education, I spent with my boyfriend or at home. I always managed to support myself for the most part with my government scholarships and loans (quebec is really generous) and some help from parents and boyfriend (mostly as far as lodging/food) parents gave me some a few times that I did spend on drugs but that was really unusual, boyfriend never actually handed me cash though he enabled me by supporting me and staying with me obviously. My debts are about 45 000 right now and the payments are easily manageable even without my parents help (but they will help me once I have to start paying) and even with an expensive drug habit because RCs and DXM is so cheap…

> After graduating in April, I spent May-June doing freelance work and getting drunk high at home, then 6 months at my bf as mentioned earlier. June-August was doing nothing and getting drugs in secret, then hitting one of my many rock bottoms from shame/doing drugs behind boyfriend’s back etc. In September freelance work started picking up and I did that, went home in November, more freelance.

> Landed my dream job in January working with T and E in my field, but it’s not actually translation but it’s even easier because I can **** around all day because the workload is really light and I can p much be afterglow because it’s simple **** and I make a good pay and I finally feel like I fit in somewhere, but im paranoid everyday that I will lose my job because there isn’t enough work or that the mistakes I do make are too much (we got so-so feedback since we’re a new team within our company)

> now I have my own place and a lot of disposable income, threading the line of functional addict as I always have but now with more responsibility and money. E thinks im making progress because im at least trying to control myself enough to keep my job and im letting her ration my drugs etc. M1 is worried im going to die from ******* up my body or my mind doing all these unknown chemicals and she’s only around until it gets so bad I’m too painful to get around I guess. I try not to talk too much about drugs but I had been ranting about it a lot lately because of my new love for psychedelics and ENLIGHTMENT and she told me to stfu about drugs.
> this week end I binged on dxm and did my last tabs of the 1p-lsd I
accidentally received, then I took 2 blotters of etizolam to go to sleep and slept for 16 hours. Boyfriend panicked and thought I was died, was gonna call cops by Sunday if no sign of life but I eventually woke up Saturday at like midnight. Didn’t expect that **** to be so strong, it was my first time. I decided I was going to do a sober month but took dxm 3 hours later because might as well finish the weekend with a bang

> boyfriend didn’t know that until today but it came up over a talk of our sex issues and it was yet another talk of him being angry and abusive over how I’ll lose my job, become white trash welfare ***** to pay for my drugs and me begging him to go get help for his codependency because he should leave me because im too deep into my addiction to choose getting sober over him since I have tried many times before and failed and im kind of in a I wanna give up and might as well end up alone and wait to die mood

> he wont move to Canada even though he doesn’t have that much in the US except a family hes only moderately close to and that he cant be open about regarding his orientation/faith/political beliefs about. No IRL friends, a few close online friends he games with and a job he hates, but he has stability and obviously I haven’t given him any kind of proof that I’m worth dropping all that to come and emigrate to Canada when I cant even stay sober for his sake or my own. I understand that and I don’t resent it even though it sucks. His self-confidence is low and I don’t think he’s really happy and im not the only reason he’s not big im a big part of it and it ******* sucks. I want him to get help for himself but he wont.

> I said I didn’t want to quit and he said hes “gone for good now” and blocked me, but I had that talk literally so many times, theres no way to know if it’s actually for real and obviously it hasn’t sinked in because we’ve been there over and over and over and over and over.

> m2 is mostly oblivious to all of this but I dont think she cares all that much as long as she gets her gay rp honestly. I’m okay with her being out of the loop, I don’t know if I’m a ****** friend for pierceing her that way of if she’s really like that, but I don’t feel like it’s worth finding out.

> m1 doesn’t know how to help me and idk, if I lose her and E I don’t know how ill keep on living. I have my family and they know a bit that im ****** up, especially my siblings but not the extent.

> I wanted to have kids but I’m nearing 30 and have barely figured out my mental issues yet, I’m realizing that it’s probably not realistic. My other big life goal was to become fluent in Japanese and go live there/teach for a year. I’m afraid that I’ll get busted for ordering RCs (or shoplifting back when I did that, I don’t anymore cuz I have an income) and that I’ll lose my chances of doing that forever or to emigrate to the US to be with my boyfriend, but not enough for me to stop completely because few people have really got in legit trouble before for the small quantities I order and because I’m just so addicted.

> I was waiting for 5g of dck to come in the mail but it got lost/seized. Vendor doesn’t mind refunding me but I’m hesitating. I’m thinking of either taking it or getting refunded half and getting half shipped and giving it to E to hold on for a while. I just discovered that drug and it’s SO ******* GOOD, but god it’ll **** me up and I know it. I have like idk, a few grams of DXM too, I gave it to E today but when I don’t have it I blow my money on overpriced OTC anyway and cabs because I’m in a cast right now. I have no self-control and my ****** up brain receptors and physical addiction symptoms make it worse. I can’t see a doctor without going to the ER because Canada and I have no GP. I emailed shrink and she’s trying to see if the doctor I saw in uni will see me again but no news yet.

> I don’t want to kill myself, I don’t want to die and I don’t feel like I have the strength to stop drugs right now and certainly not forever. Thinking of my life without drugs feels the same as thinking about my life without games or anime. It’s such a big part of my life and I love it so much but it hurts me and it hurts the people around me. I feel like if I died they’d be better off in the long run because they’d stop worrying about me, even though they’d be really sad and I’d leave a major hole forever and I don’t want to do that anymore. My reasons to live right now are to have fun and play games and watch a lot of movies and series and anime I guess and learn Japanese and if I die I wont be able to do all these things so I don’t want to.

>Everyday im paranoid I will lose my job, both because of my drug use and unrelated to it, and if I do, I honestly don’t know what ill do aside from becoming a rc vendor, welfare or whoring. Im too ugly to charge much but I feel like I have too much pride for that? I don’t know if my parents would let me truly end up in the street or not. I don’t want to find out. I want to keep this job and make it as a professional and its so ******* scary.

>I’ve tried to be sober and failed, I don’t really want to commit to it, I know me and my boyfriend need to be apart but he doesn’t want to go get the help he needs to let me go and I don’t have the strength to do it (maybe he’s done for real now but who knows, I’m kind of expecting me to break down and beg him again in a few days or him to message me, its ALWAYS the same thing)

>I finally have insurance again and im going to see my shrink again but I did talk to her one time in summer 2016 when I was in a bad phase and just using and not ready to stop and she was like “do you want to stop drugs anon?” and I said not really and she was like “well I cant really help you then” and she’s right, so maybe that’s just the point im at.

>I don’t know how to WANT to stop. I want my cake and eat it too, I want to be a functional drug user with my boyfriend and hes happy and everyones happy and im happy and I know that’s not realistic.

>Im so ******, im so deeply addicted, I have no reason to be, im just so middling at everything. Middling at my addiction, middling at my skills and job and personality and trauma and everything. Theres nothing crazy or remarkable about me, im just normal, youd never really know meeting me that I have all this baggage, not that theres anything remarkable about my addiction either.
>Im so trapped, so stuck and so tired but not enough to stop, not enough to kill myself, im just in a ******* void and I keep waiting for **** to crash around me and it hasn’t and it doesn’t look like it will anytime soon and god, its pathetic. I know my boyfriend deserves better, I know im selfish and disgusting. Please don’t tell me to kill myself or whatever.
thank you for your time

Don’t think anyone will read all this but the end.

tl;dr nearing 30 female who like to abuse anything but mostly dissos. in a problematic toxic co-dependent relationship with long distance boy since 16, was in school for most of 20s, now finally have a degree, a professional job and disposable income. relationships are hurting because i cant stop drugs. not depressed enough to want to die, not miserable enough to want to quit. boyfriend too insecure and sad to leave me for food and same goes for me. failed sobriety many times before. hate myself and am a disgusting wretch but not enough to change everything about me. kind of think it'd be better off in the long term if i were dead for the people who do love me but im both too selfish to keep on living, to die or to stop drugs.
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Old 04-17-2017, 04:56 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

It sounds like you are in a spot where you need to make a choice and I hope you choose to seek support and to stop using drugs. You say that things are not bad enough now to motivate you to stop, but it's very likely they will become worse. You will find lots of support here if you decide to live a sober life.
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Old 04-17-2017, 05:05 PM
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Hi ichimatsu
I hope people will take the time to read your story

I think most of us can identify with wanting to get wasted as much as we want but not suffer the consequences.

for me I could be the man I wanted to be or get wasted, but not both.

I chose the former and I've never regretted it

This is a great place to be if you want change - a lot of support understanding and wisdom here

Welcome

D
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Old 04-18-2017, 12:37 AM
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Nice to meet you
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Old 04-18-2017, 12:46 AM
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That really was long. Haven't read it yet BC I only had a minute but I will do. Anyway, I wanted to say hi and welcome to the forum. This is a great place with lots of support. So glad you found us! I'm on day 3 by the way.
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Old 04-18-2017, 01:25 AM
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Hi there ichimatsu! I liked your post, quite the imaginative use of language, and your personality shines through as well. Sounds like you've had a lot of ups and downs! It's never to late to get on the right track, SR can help you there. Also I take it that you're still young, in your 20s, so that helps too.
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Old 04-18-2017, 01:38 AM
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Welcome Ichimatsu,

I wanted my cake and eat it too. As Dee said, I had to choose between being a drunk or being happy. You know what you have to do or you wouldn't be here. I hope you find the strength to get sober and find a plan that keeps you sober. You will be able to achieve everything you want if you find sobriety. Only thing you'll miss out on in sobriety is shame, guilt, paranoia, fear, anger, and being helpless. Good luck and many prayers
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Old 04-18-2017, 02:19 AM
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Hi Ichi, welcome. To stop- you need to do action. Go to meetings, journal, do rehab. Be honest with yourself. Keep posting. Empathy and support to you.
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