badger257

Well, so much for the sober steak, yet again. :/ 2 day bender for no real reason. Honestly starting to believe that I will never beat this. It's exhausting, yet seems perfectly logical at the time. Lonely, tired, shame, regret, etc etc. I've been here so many times, that it's almost what I come to expect of myself. Feel broken beyond repair. Sorry for the rant. Just needed to get it out there.

Poppy79

Get back on the horse hun, keep trying and one attempt (could be the next one) will stick
How long did your last streak last?

Thirteenth

Badger, never give up. Are you part of a monthly class? I am and though I haven't been a model, the strength and support received there is incredible. You are not broken, none of us are, just dealing with a very insidious condition. It's good you're reaching out so please continue to do so and remember what is the most important thing, you are worth the effort to overcome this.

badger257

I don't usually count days, but a month'ish. I have failed sooo many times in the last 4 years, that I really am starting to feel like this is my lot in life. (Which I know is ridiculous) A month here, 3 months there, just kind of a pitty party right now. My "plan" has more corrections on it than white space anymore.

CreativeThinker

Hey Badger...I know, it sucks. Just don't give up!

badger257

Thank you! Yes, Class of Feb, 2017. Part of my new plan is to post there more. And especially when Im feeling "confident"in being sober.

Trees39

Sorry to hear that Badge.
Give yourself a break.

Mizzuno

For some of us its not a straight line into sobriety. Ive been dealing with this on and off for a decade or more. The effort put in will reap rewards. The effort and diligence to play the tape through.
You can do this. We all can. Keep moving forward.

Dee74

What's your current plan look like Badger?

D

badger257

Currently it looks like the first calculus test I took in high school...a.mess with a lot.of errors and corrections. I've decided to throw it away and start a completely new one, while keeping the reasons for failure and the bad results.that came.along with them on the front page.

PhoenixJ

There is always hope..

Dee74

great place to start again Badger

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

FreeOwl

Good morning Badger. Madison, huh? Not too far from me actually. I like Madison. Cool town.

Here's a plan for you to try today. It's real simple.

1) Look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say "I choose sobriety. I choose a life of presence and depth and abundance. I choose to LIVE" Then resolve to honor that choice all day today.

2) There are AA meetings in Madison at 12, 5:30, 11pm and others TOAY. Pick one and go to it.

3) While at the AA meeting, ask for a Big Book. Take it home, read the first three chapters.

4) When you go to bed tonight, say out loud "Thank you for helping me stay sober today"

Tomorrow, we will worry about the plan again.

Anna

Badger, that sounds like a good idea. Make a new plan, use ideas you've learned from experience and things you've learned here. Push yourself to add something extra to use when you are ready to cave. Maybe you have a friend you can call, a specific song you can listen to, a journal entry you wrote, anything that will help you to get past buying alcohol.

tnman1967

Try to isolate the incident that brought you to drinking again. Was it AV voice? bad craving? social pressure? boredom? You get the drift. But most importantly, the only thing that worked for me was a mental inventory and to honestly decided that I didn't want to drink anymore. Yes it sounds very simple but I told everyone and their brother for more than thirty years that this was the last time I got drunk. Come the weekend and I was back at it again. Yes cravings can do you in, and so can av but for me no self help program worked for the long haul. The only thing that worked was one day when I woke up and the famous light bulb went off. It said, I'm sick and tired of living like this and I felt that this time it was different. I was honest with myself and it worked. I know I thought I was honest all those other times but I was lying to myself. I'm not saying that this is what you are experiencing but It won't hurt to ask yourself. Do you really want to continue to drink? If not you can do this. It won't be easy and yes, not all of your problems will go away but trust me. A year or so down the road you will ask yourself. Why didn't I do this sooner. Good luck and I wish this will be your last bender.

gregknight

For what it's worth, I'm one of those that does not count days or months. I too, have tried and failed more times than I want to remember. But I didn't even realize I had 8 months sober until those on this forum made me aware of it. I just go day-by-day. At some point after getting up and having my morning devotional, I tell myself, "I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I can know, can decide, that when I lay down tonight, I will be sober." Just like today. No big thing in my life has been "solved" or cured, but I DO know that when I fall asleep tonight, I will be sober. Tomorrow is tomorrow.


p.s. I do however, concur with others that having a plan for sobriety, is most helpful. I just put it to work, day-by-day.

saoutchik

Hi Badger, don't be too down on yourself. 3 months is a good chunk of sober time so you must be doing some things right and coming back after a 2 day bender is a whole lot better than a two week or two month one.

It sounds like it won't take a whole lot more for you to reach escape velocity.

tomls

I'm so glad you're back! This is the time! You can do this! If I can do this, you can do this! It took me a lot of attempts also!

ljc267

Maybe you should look at the reasons why you drink. If you can quit for months at a time then it's not the alcohol that's getting in your way. Your just using it as a temporary solution.

badger257

I know...its just that I guess I expect my life to be miraculously better when I quit. But the damage I have done from my addiction seems insurmountable at times, I just say screw it.... then the lonely, bored, etc..comes into play. I know all of this, and I consider myself a pretty intelligent person, but can seem to make 2+2 equal anything other than 5.