myluckyday

I REALLY wanted a drink earlier. It was so bad that I was crying. I'm not going to drink tonight however. I have no alcohol and I'm not going out to get any. My life has been very difficult the last 20 years or so. My husband was a complete ******* to me our entire marraige. Basically he continued on like he was single and stayed out partying all the time and left me at home with three kids. He always treated me like a was a bother and would drain our bank account for his party supplies. I always have held the same job and he has had about 18 jobs in the last twenty years. Always getting fired but always finding another job but never making much. Anyway, after many years I finally got a backbone and decided to plan on leaving him. Then I noticed strange things happening with him. He couldn't remember things that just happened and was getting confused all the time. His personality changed too. He became a homebody and paranoid of the world. Long story short is that he was recently diagnosed with early onset dementia. Now I can't leave him. I'm his caretaker. He is like a child now. Over the years I started to drink to numb myself. Recently I realized that I have turned into an alcoholic as I would drink every night and I would get anxious if I couldn't drink. I've decided to quit not for just myself but for my kids who are older now but still need me. Their father will die in a few years so I don't want them to not have a parent. I love them more than life itself. My reason for this post is that some days I'm so depressed. I feel sad that my future looks bleak. Caring for a spouse with dementia is lonely. It's like solitary confinement. I get so jealous seeing couples our age doing fun things and we cannot. (We're in our early 50's). We can't enjoy our yard because he's afraid of being attacked by wild animals. He can't watch tv or a movie anymore because he doesn't understand. I can't have a conversation with him because he can't comprehend and just forgets it all anyway. He just follows me around and tries to do a few simple tasks but can't. This is why I feel a strong urge to drink. I wish I could close my eyes and wish this all away. Thank you for listening to my rant.

Lava256

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It seems like the universe conspired to ensure you have overall an unhappy married life. But it's true that everything does happen for a reason and things will turn around when you most need and least expect. Kind prayers coming your way. Congrats on making the decision to quit drinking. That's one sinkhole you don't want to find yourself permanently in. Try and get all the support you need. SR is def the place to be but if you can afford therapy then do that too. AA, SMART recovery, etc. You sound like a strong woman. Hang in there and all will be well.

NewRomanMan

You don't have to stay if you don't want to. You don't have to DO anything. You don't have to be his caretaker, and you don't have to sacrifice your life for his. The fact that your husband has early onset dementia does not erase all the years of suffering and hardship his choices inflicted on you. I don't meant to sound harsh, but don't let some kind of false guilt trap you somewhere you don't really want to be. You don't owe him anything. It's your life.

PhoenixJ

Do you have community supports? Can your partner go into a place for long term care? You have a life- I empathise with your stuff. You deserve to have a life- not only be a battery to recharge someone else.

Rocketrocket

Well I'm going to tell you and not all might like what I have to say.... go live your life you are 50s ... there is not much life left you only get one ... he treated you like **** for years .. I would go and make an appointment at a dementia care unit Fort or sneak out and leave him there ( make sure you have money and property organized before this).. I say this.. my grand father lived for 20 years with early-onset dementia and my grand mother story was yours only he died at 80 and thats then she got her life back... it that what your hoping for .. the longer you stay in that cycle you will most likely drink again... You have 15 to 20 years to go life a solid life

myluckyday

Our youngest is 15. I want to wait until she graduates high school to do anything drastic. We have our other daughter who is 20 and attending college still living at home also. I wish I could run away but I would have to take them with me. Plus after the last few years of him not working we're broke. He was just approved for disability so I can finally start to catch up. I don't know why but I can't put him in a facility yet. I would feel horrible and I don't want my kids to see him in one.

Grymt

Whatever the situation you choose the important thing is sobriety. Sobriety will make it possible for you to make the right choices at the right time. I hope you stick around and read and post. There will be / are many suggestions on achieving and maintaining sobriety.

fini

yes, staying sober will increase your options.

since you have decided not to do anything 'drastic' i encourage you to check around and you might be able to find some resources to get respite help. so you could get some time for yourself once in a while.
and also please chek with your health care provider to see if there is a medication that can help with his paranoia...there are all kinds of meds for some of the ways dementia expresses itself.

Maudcat

I am so sorry, mylucky. Tough, tough row to hoe. I have a relative with early onset. She is in the memory care unit of an assisted living facility. It is very nice, but, as I'm sure you know, expensive.
And I care for my mom, who is 91 and has dementia. I also have an alcoholic sib with dementia.
I have found that the most challenging thing for me is to take care of myself. I have good intentions of getting to the gym, but a few hours with mom and sib make me so tired!
I just want to go home and chill.
So...take care of yourself. Consider finding a good facility for your spouse. It really is too much for you to do by yourself. Peace.

myluckyday

Thank you all for listening. I feel much better this morning. It's always the late afternoon/evening when I start to feel hopeless.

Soberwolf

Stick close to us have you joined a class or joined in on the weekender thread yet ?

Best way to stay sober is to stay sober no matter what were here

Dee74

Hi myluckyday

I'm sorry for your situation but there is support here..log on here when things start to get you down

I'm glad you're realising drinking is not a solution.

Have you considered also joining a dementia support group or something of that nature?

It must be lonely doing what you're doing - maybe interacting with others going through the same thing might help?

D

Maudcat

Second Dee's suggestion. Im not in a formal dementia support group, but I have a lot of family support, who get it. I often talk to my sil, and we compare mamas. My mil is 90. She gets confused, but not to the degree that my mother does.
I hasten to say that we are not cruel in our conversations about our aged relatives. We love them and cherish them. It's about supporting each other. It's hard sometimes to see your parents age.