CreativeThinker

Just when I think things are moving along smoothly, BAM! Another road block appears in front of me. Those of you who have followed my story know that my DH and I decided to get sober together 34 days ago. While I’ve suspected that he’s not as committed as me, I gave him the benefit of doubt and I’m doing my best not to let his journey become mine. Much easier said than done. My apologies in advance if I write a book long post, but I really need to vent!

On a previous post, I wrote about a major trigger for me, a man who once contracted for our business, who began spending a lot of time in our home after we lost a major account in our business at the end of last year. The more time he spent in our home, the more I felt uneasy around him. After a few drinks (and we drank a LOT with him) he began making inappropriate remarks about our marriage, he watched me a little too closely (he was always hanging on every single word I said) and it felt as if he was constantly trying to stir the pot between DH and me. He was respectful towards my DH, DH is like a God to him, always stroking his ego. It got to the point that this guy would come over for dinner and he wouldn’t leave at all, he would pass out on our couch and leave the next morning.

Finally, I told my DH that I was feeling uncomfortable around him and he laughed it off, “Oh, he’s just a little odd. He doesn’t mean any harm. He’s a good contractor and we’ll need him on the next account”. Odd or not, I didn’t want to be around him anymore and I wasn’t going to accept feeling uncomfortable in my own home. Think about it, even when drunk I was uncomfortable around this guy! I told DH that if he wanted to continue to spend time with him, fine…but I wasn’t going to entertain him any longer. DH thought that I was being a little irrational but he agreed to my terms.

A month went by and this guy began reaching out to my husband…” I haven’t seen you guys in a month! When are we getting together?” DH tried to sway me into an invite “It just seems weird that he was here so much during the holidays, now we’re just shutting him off?”. I held firm and DH met him for dinner outside. It was shortly after that when DH and I decided to stop drinking for good. Again, a few weeks later the guy contacts us to meet up, it was St Patricks Day weekend and we had only been sober for a few weeks. Without giving it a 2nd thought I declined. DH told him that we weren’t drinking, but he would get back to him…. but never did. Last week, he contacted DH again. He left a piece of art here during the holidays (he thought we might buy it) and the artist who created it wanted it back. DH made plans to meet him, return the sculpture and have dinner. Needless to say, I was concerned. We were 33 days sober and meeting up with this guy was a recipe for a relapse. Nevertheless, I didn’t make a big deal out of it. If DH felt that he was able to refrain from picking up a drink again under such circumstances, good for him. Before he left last night, we talked about how to answer his friend’s questions, regarding why we haven’t been hanging out with him much. Keep it light, telling him we’re on a health kick, trying to drop some pounds and we’re not drinking. That was the plan. I tried not to worry after DH left but it was impossible. What were we thinking? It was like throwing DH into the lion’s den 1.) Meeting at a restaurant we’ve never been to sober, a regular watering whole from the past. 2.) His friend is a raging alcoholic who he hasn’t seen since he stopped drinking. 3.) DH is barely 1 month sober. PULEASSE!

Bottom line, DH drank! Not such a big surprise. He did a good job of trying to cover it up, but I could smell it on him when he walked in. I knew better than to flip out, yell, scream and make him feel shameful for throwing away the last 33 days. Instead, I listened to him tell me how his friend kept asking why I wasn’t there, why was I upset with him, what did he do?… Instead of DH telling him what we planned, that we weren’t drinking and it would be difficult for me to be in an atmosphere that would make me feel uncomfortable, he played into his friend’s questions “I don’t know why she’s acting this way? I don’t feel that you’ve done anything?”. THAT’S when I got angry! What in hell was DH thinking? Instead of smoothing things over with his friend, he made it 10x’s worse! It wasn’t until I asked him why he didn’t just say that I didn’t want to drink that he said “I DID, I told him we weren’t drinking.” But then he drank with him for 3 hrs??? I’m not stupid, I know the drill…

I could have really lost it and started a major fight with DH but where would it have gotten me? Nowhere! He knew that I wasn’t happy about how he handled the outing with his friend and that was it. I went upstairs to bed, read some stories about co-dependency on SR and went to sleep. Nothing has been said about the incident today and I don’t plan to bring it up again with him. Today I’m in DETACH MODE. Breathing deeply, keeping busy and definitely working out! DH will have to figure things out for himself.

In the meantime, I'm keeping my mouth shut and remaining cool

Thanks for listening!

Upstairs

Thanks for the share CT! I know how I would have done going to a restaurant with drinking friends a month after I quit. I'm a year sober now, and I have avoided situations like that. Stay cool!

CreativeThinker

Thanks Upstairs! Congrats on 1 year. The longest period of sobriety I've had is 11 months. That was quite some time ago and the relapse resulted from my reaction to my DH's actions. I am determined not to make the same mistake again...relapse is not an option!

Detaching from DH's recovery is my biggest challenge. So far, so good. I know what I'm supposed to do, but sometimes the head and the heart get tangled.

Next week we are meeting with our therapist for our first session in which we will be sitting with the doctor together. At last week's session we spoke to the doctor separately. Should be interesting.

biminiblue

Uh oh. I'm sorry CT.

Hopefully he'll get right back on the sober side...but I wouldn't count on it.

I guess, "Be the change you want to see in the world," is appropriate here. I know the two of you have struggled together with this.

Lots of people stay sober while a partner drinks. Hang on. You can do it. Maybe he'll get it together maybe he won't, but well done staying out of it. Protect your own sobriety, no matter what.

Anna

I'm sorry for what happened.

You know, I think that a recovery journey is extremely personal, and maybe detaching somewhat is a a good plan. You are on your journey and your husband is on his journey and that's fine. Congratulations on your 33 days sober!

Dee74

I know it's hard but we all have our own journeys.

Stay focused on your own journey and try to be as compassionate and understanding to your partner as you'd like him to be to you.

Hopefully your journey will inspire him to get back on the right road again

D

CreativeThinker

Thanks for your support Bimi. You're right, he's off to the races again. Tonight he found a reason to go to the store "I'm going to pick up some milk at the store, do you need anything?" I knew exactly what he was doing ...and it wasn't a trip to the store for milk! I told him I was all set. He came back with bread and orangina (to mix with the vodka he's hid somewhere), no milk. Before long, his personality began to change, laughing, upbeat, jovial... He has no clue that I was onto him.

It's amazing to actually watch and be aware of what is transforming in front of my eyes. It hurts that he is lying to me but I understand that he has lost control again and he's too proud to admit it to me. If only he would learn more about this disease and get busy fighting the fight. It's harder than hell not to cram what I'm learning down his throat and help him.... But I know oh too well that it won't help him. I suspect that within the next few days, he will be back to a full-on drunk.

Like you said, the only thing I can really do at this point is let him fall, while I strive to "Be the change..." NO PRESURE!!!

CreativeThinker

Thanks Anna. I'm actually on day 35. This morning I was so distraught when I posted, I didn't even know how many days I've been sober. Ugh.

Yes, the plan is to detach. It's extremely difficult!!! He's quite the actor... I'm thinking that the easiest way for me to do this "detachment thang" is to see the humor in it all. It's terribly sad, watching him try to cover up his relapse and continuing to drink (behind my back...hiding vodka and pouring it into his fruit drinks) and drinking it right in front of me. But if I can change the fear and anger I'm feeling into humor, I might just be able to become a better "detacher". Make sense? Seriously, watching him put on his "sober show" is almost comical.

CreativeThinker

Thanks D. I know...I'm doing my best. I promise, I'll be kind

Dee74

I had no doubt CT

D

PhoenixJ

You have focused on YOUR recovery. Support from your partner would be good- but you have established boundaries and you are sticking to them. Good for you. Sounds toxic and manipulative of the other guy. Keep your distance and try to be mindful Emotions suck in recovery. Addictions suck period. Stay safe and keep posting.
Support to you.

LoveHateMerlot

Wow!!! Super awesome CreativeThinker how you've held it together!!! That would have been a tough one for me. Very inspiring thank you!! ❤️

biminiblue

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "I know you're drinking - I know you and it's obvious," as matter-of-factly as you can manage.

I'm not one for colluding with lying. May as well tell the truth. Once you've done that, detaching is easier because you can just say, "I don't want to be around when you're getting drunk," (if that's true) and then you can go to your room or to a movie or wherever if/when his drinking gets to you. He's got to fall on his own, but you don't have to be there to pretend. Dealing with what is - always better than pretend ignorance. On some level he knows he's not fooling you.

CreativeThinker

OK...sounds like a good plan. I really hate playing this game with him and it's driving me crazy not to say anything. The only one that he's fooling is himself. So, you think that when I know he has added vodka to his soda drink, I should call him out on it?

Alan6154

"OK...sounds like a good plan. I really hate playing this game with him and it's driving me crazy not to say anything. The only one that he's fooling is himself. So, you think that when I know he has added vodka to his soda drink, I should call him out on it?"

Tread easy on this one. Remember people giving you advise / confronting you about alcohol when you didn't or weren't ready to hear it. He knows he is screwing up or he would not be hiding it like a teenager. And we all know the "just trying to spare your feelings" line is BS.

Maybe start with "Hey, I know you started drinking again. Is there anything I can do to help?" Quitting for him again has to be an internal decision not external pressure. Make it about HIM making the decision. In the military we were trained to get people to go along (obey orders subconsciously) with the program of their own volition.

"leadership is the process of influencing others to accomplish the mission by providing purpose, direction, and motivation."

Don't make it confrontational because that may screw up the male / female dynamic. Then all he'll hear is blah, blah, blah...

I hope it works out, you guys seem to have a good thing going.

Alan6154

And tell him to ditch the creepy friend. That's not confrontational that's necessary. The creepy guy seems to be using your husband to get closer to you.

biminiblue

I think you say it one time. "I know you and I know when you're drinking."

Then if you don't want to be around it, you say, "I don't want to be around you when you're drinking."

If it doesn't bother you to be around it, then don't say that second bit.

I don't think monitoring him every day is the answer, but a casual, "I know you're drinking, so let's talk later," said without judgement is totally rational. I wouldn't say it to call him out, but merely to let him know you're not thrilled with being around it when you're trying to stay quit. I don't think for one minute he thinks he's fooling you. You both have done this enough times that past experience tells him you'll be back being drinking buddies before long.

I mean, he may have years of drinking still to do, unfortunately.

Be the change.

CreativeThinker

K, makes sense Alan. That's what I was thinking...I don't want to come off like it's an attack on his character. Nor do I want to seem like a controlling b****. My original thought was to let him fall on his own, then be there when he needs help getting back up. But like Bimini stated, I'm playing a fine line between lying like him and coming right out and letting him know he's not hiding anything from me. By confronting him in a supportive way, I'm not attacking, but letting him know "the jiggy" is up.

Thanks so much! I appreciate your thought.

CreativeThinker

No doubt, CG has got to go!!! Again, I don't want to make that decision for him...that way he can come back and blame me..."you don't want me to have any friends..." KWIM? DH is a smart man and like me, he grew up in an alcoholic family, so we're pretty good at seeing through people. My hope is that CG will hang himself, so I don't have to be "the bad guy".

I have already drawn a line in the sand and DH knows how I feel. CG is no longer welcome in our home and I do not want to spend time with him. DH is free to see him any time he wants...just keep him away from me.

CreativeThinker

Got it...that's pretty much the same advice Alan gave.

You're right, he DOES think that I will follow his lead because that is what I've done every time in the past. The difference between now and then is that I have a lot more knowledge than I did before and I have the tools and GP to make it happen.

As for him continuing to drink for years to come, that thought has certainly crossed my mind (more than once). I just can't project my thoughts down that road right now. He has already had a negative result from a liver test. He's not stupid, he knows that he needs to stop drinking for health reasons. At some point I just have to give it to God, Ala, Budda...HP and hope for the best.

Thank you so much for being here for me. Not sure if I could do all this without SR. I have the plan, now I just need to work it!

I'm preparing a nice dinner for us tonight. My guess he will find a reason to go to the store, just before dinner. If I suspect that he is "dipping into the sauce" again tonight, we'll have that conversation.

Stay tuned! Wish me luck