Trying again - New UK Member
 

Hello everyone. My name is Tony and I'm an alcoholic. I think that's the traditional way of first introducing yourself to an AA meeting (or is that just the movies?) - anyway, to be clear, I'm not a member of AA.

So a little about me?

I guess everything was pretty normal until the age of 30 years old. By then I was living with my long term partner and had one child who was 6 years old. I had been with the same employer for 7 years and had risen from coffee maker to senior manager. Money was pretty good and I loved my little boy so much. One day I came home and his mother basically told me that we weren't really the couple she wanted us to be and that she was seeing someone else. Well, so was I to be honest, so at least she had the guts to call it. We loved our son but we never really loved each other. Was drinking a problem at this time? Not at all - I was a fairly moderate consumer of booze up until then to be honest.

Then things got a little more problematic. A good friend of mine lost a close relative and being an alcoholic he just sank into booze and grief and wouldn't step out of it for weeks on end. I sat and drank with him every night for what must have been the best part of a year. I thought I was being supportive, but in reality I was enabling him - and my 'freedom' from the ex-family home was now affording me time to just get drunk every night with him. I should have known the signs. My mother is an alcoholic and so is my auntie and so was my uncle. The booze eventually killed my friend as well. He was 50 years old.

A few years of heavy drinking followed up until I was 40 years old, interspersed with fewer and shorter periods of abstinence. Amazingly I was still hard working and creative and had now become the CEO of the same employer I had been with for so very long. The only downside in my life was my drinking. Then my son died. Just like that.

I wont say what killed him (I want to keep some anonymity) but it was sudden and of natural causes. My world had ended right there and suicidal thoughts suddenly occurred for the first time in my life. Now the drinking really began - and now I didn't care about that problem either. After about another six months solid drinking (and amazingly still working) I decided I wasn't going to kill myself quickly - but if the booze got me then I told myself I didn't care that much. Of course I did care really - but saying I din;t meant it was an excuse to drink. Now married to a wonderful woman (but no children) I was starting to worry the odd person around me that knew me well.

The last seven years have had short periods of abstinence (my best was 27 days just over a month ago) but I have drank every night for four months on the trot without a single day off. And when I say drink I mean three bottles of wine, every night, seven days every week.

Whilst I am still the CEO of a growing business I'm barely functioning now. The only reason the business is doing well is down to all the great people I trained and hired when I did have some ability and energy left over.

So why am I here? Because I know drinking is killing me. I suffer the shakes so badly at times I daren't pick up a glass of water in front of my staff. My liver is sore and my whole lower torso has a dull ache constantly. My urine is deep yellow (I know what all of this means - I've read so much about it).. I'm slowly killing myself.

Yesterday I lay in bed all day having 'worked' from home. I promised my wife that 'this was it - I was never drinking again'. By 5pm I was up and about and joking 'just one more night baby' - and she just broke down and sobbed. This wasn't the first time - but it was the worst time. What I saw in front of me was despair.

I went out for a drive - annoyed that she was emotionally bullying me - wanting to buy those three bottles of wine anyway - calling her from my car to make conversation and see if she would relent because I was making it quite clear I was annoyed with her. She didn't budge one bit - just kept telling me she loved me and to be safe. So yesterday was day 1 and after a sleepless night I stumbled tired but sober into day 2 (today). And yes I am still sober but it's been hard.

As I write this I can see all the contradictions - I know it's killing me - I know it's hurting my wife - I do want to give up - But I don't want to give up now - But I must give up NOW!

I was a member here years ago. I was an advocate of moderation. I thought it could be done. People told me different. They were right. I was wrong. Well I can't do it. I'm too ashamed to even let you know my previous membership name was.

I need to get sober. Forever. And I hope that you will help me.

Tony

Welcome Tony - it's so good to meet you.

I'm sorry for the painful loss of your son. I also thought that drinking was helping me to cope with life's miseries. In truth it only makes things much worse. Our anxiety is terrible - our guilt & remorse tortures us. There's no good reason to hold on to something that brings so much destruction to our lives. Yet I kept poisoning myself for 30 yrs. We have to be ready to stop - and it sounds like you've reached that point. Please stay with us and keep talking. We want to help.

JustTony,

I'm new to sobriety so I don't have the advice on how to get to where we surely all want to be...so many others on SR do as you may know.

I can't come up with words adequate to speak to the loss of your son and how painful it must be. I feel from what you have written that you sincerely want to make the change to be sober and that you have reached a point where many do ..seems that it reaches us at different times in our lives.

Day by day so far for me and it's been not so easy. I hope you continue for today to remain sober and then next day and so on. Courage to you.

Welcome back Tony :)

I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you're back here..I came here ambivalent as well - I nearly died....I knew I had to quit but in my heart I didn't want to...

but as the days sober mounted up and I read more and more stories here the more I wanted what these people had.

I'm glad I stuck with it - I rediscovered a me I';d forgotten ans, in the years since, I've rebuilt a life that I love.

That's a pretty sweet deal when you consider all I had to do was give up drinking :)

D

DO NOT BE ASHAMED. Grief is tidal- overwhelming. Empathise. No shame- turn that around. You have courage and are being proactive. Support to you. PJ.

Hopeful
 

Day 4...

Well my third post on SR this morning over a hangover free coffee, in preparation for a productive day at work.

My wife is hopeful (I can see it in her eyes - my God I love her) and I'm hopeful too.

I know it's a very long journey and it's such early days but day one is better than day zero. Day four is better than day three.

Please give me the strength to be reporting on how day five feels.

Take care everyone.

I never knew how strong I was until this group showed me, and reminded me....

Reach out for help when you need it and you'll be ok Tony :)
D

Great job on Day 4! Every time you think you need a drink replay in your mind how drunk you where the day you decided to stop. Play it from beginning to end. That has helped me from picking up a drink. I am only 80 days. I don't have the guilt and shame anymore, We can all do this together.

well done tony for starting your journey ,
try to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel

T,

You probably know this, but it is my way dealing w the addiction we all have.

I remember always first...I am a drug addict.

There is nothing else when it comes to booze.

It is not for fun, mourning, relaxing etc etc.

I am a drug addict.

Physically clean takes a good 2 weeks to a month. Then the mental hell begins.

I am 23 months clean in a few days. I was a wreck for at least 6 months to a year.

Off and on, thank God. The waves of crave and anxiety etc come and go.

Now mostly I crave at weird times. I eat now when I used to drink.

After work..I used to get hammered. Now I eat a small to medium meal.

I exercise about 5 days a week. I have way more energy and time now that I am clean.

SR is all I use for support. AA wasn't for me.

Thanks.

Welcome back to SR Tony and congratulations on 4 days. I cannot begin to imagine what losing a child must feel like but I am certain your son would approve of you getting sober.

4 days is wonderful, Tony. You're doing this. :)

JustTony my heart goes out to you and I teared up when I read that your son died. I have 1 son and I don't know why sometimes I think of what I would do if I lost him. I think because my 13 year cousin committed suicide almost 2 years ago, and they were only 3 weeks apart in age. I think in my head if I have enough sleeping pills on hand to do the job. Then I pray because I don't know why those thoughts would come into my head. If it actually happened I just don't know what I would do. I'm just so sorry for your loss. Time can never heal that kind of a wound. And I understand why you said, screw it, and just drank. I'm so proud of you for coming full circle with this alcohol demon. We have different reasons for why we are here. I'm just really hurting for you on the loss of your son no matter how long ago it was, it happened. And I'm so hopeful at the same time that you can get through the pain and learn to live again and it sounds like you have an awesome loving wife that is sticking around for the long haul. I'm rooting for you. All the Best~

Thank you. What a beautiful post to wake up to this morning.

Indeed the loss of my only child certainly exacerbated my problems with alcohol and put it on a reckless curve upwards - but the issue of alcohol abuse was within my life for the best part of a decade before that.

Of course there are days when I allow myself huge waves of self pity and during those times it is difficult not to think "oh what's the ******* point?" and in that mindset anything is possible. But that's something I have to manage because as one poster stated my son would want me to look after myself - And I want to look after myself too!

Yes my wife is awesome. She started me on day 1 when I didn't have the guts to get past that self deluding "just one more night - I'll start tomorrow" (lack of) rationale my foggy brain always reverted to. After day 1 it has to be all about me and my choices. She was the propulsion that got this rocket off from the ground but now I have to take it into orbit.

Anyhow - lying in bed on my iPhone after 4 hours reasonable sleep and planning day 5 and all I have to do today, whilst logging in to SR to read supportive messages and stories from members.

Once again, thank you for such a warm, genuine and supportive comment.

Tony.

Well done.
I am on day 10 using AVRT, might be helpful to yourself. You can find out more in the secular connections part of this forum.

avrt?

AVRT - Addictive Voice Recognition Technique. I think it could help a lot, it helps me. Also SMART Recovery is a good to look into. Good luck, I am on day 4 (going into day 5 soon)...I have boys, I can't even imagine your loss so I commend you for coming full circle and trying to be the best you can be for you and your wife.

I attend SMART meetings when I can. I really feel like it is my vibe. Try as many things as possible to keep the tool box full. Sounds like you have done this before so you got this. There is a good book I recommend "Rational Recovery". It has some good ideas. I use different methods every day just whatever works I work it at that time.

I dont know what its like to lose a child but I do know loss, as I lost my sister one year ago to cancer. She was 37 when she died. I am now into my 37th year of life and I cant quite fathom dying at such a young age.

My coping skills during her illness and death were obsolete. I didnt know how to handle what life was presenting to me so I bought bottle after bottle of wine and proceeded to carry on with life: as if nothing had happened.

I cant blame grief for my return into an alcoholic prison. I cant excuse myself from the truth of what I had always been even before my sisters illness. There are a million different roads I could have taken but I chose a road that would only make life more difficult and more unreasonable.

Its good to see that you have gotten off the train of wreckage and joined a community of like minded individuals who want/ have a life free of alcohol.

Life is tragic and beautiful. Its all over the map at times. Nothing is worse than self sabotage through a bottle. Its a painful existence that is for certain to lead to death. If not physically than mentally, emotionally and spiritually.


I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you will find peace. I hope to see you posting here often.

Please stay close.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words.

It has been an interesting night here in the UK and I'm only just home (1.06am)

The wife and I had a date in the diary for a meal out with my father and step mother. I knew they would be drinking and sure enough a few spirits and two bottles of wine were consumed by those three between them. I had a rather enjoyable night on two diet cokes and a coffee to finish up. I thought it would be hard at the beginning of the night so I designated myself as the driver (I had options like a taxi or stop over) but I knew that sticking my hand up to be the chauffeur would make thinks even easier to decline a drink of alcohol.

Anyway - here I am - sober as a judge without one drop of alcohol having passed my lips.

I guess I'm officially on day 6 given the time of morning?