My story so far
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Worcestershire, UK
Posts: 153
My story so far
I joined SR a few weeks ago and I have been sober for just over 2 weeks. I visit this site several times a day to read about the experiences' of others and to support my recovery. I haven't posted much, I have mainly been loitering! I thought I would try and write down my brief story, partly as an introduction to myself, and partly to try and understand more about myself and my relationship with alcohol.
Here it is.
I was brought up in the 70s in a small country town in England. My childhood was happy and secure, my parents strict but fair. My father was a scientist and my mother a teacher of the deaf. I grew up with my brother, who is two years younger than me.
My parents were very involved with their church (my father was a Lay Preacher), which was a very traditional ‘Brethren’ church, and, to me, attending the one and a half hour service every Sunday morning was just about the most boring activity ever created. Sunday worship activities did not end there. There was also Sunday school and, when we were older, Bible Class. I hated it! I mean, I really hated it and the resentment I felt towards my parents for making me participate was pretty powerful, although I never said anything, I never complained. I just held it in. This was to become the way I dealt with a lot of discontent in my life – repress it.
The impact of my parents’ religious beliefs extended to my social life as a teenager. I was not granted the same freedoms as most of my friends when it came to attending parties, or going to the pub. Again, the resentment simmered and built up until I left home at 18 to take up a place at University.
Ah, University. How many of were set upon the road to alcoholism at University? I arrived at University, a fresh-faced, sensible, somewhat naive, virgin who enjoyed the odd drink and smoked a cigarette or 2 a day (maybe less). By the end of the first year I was a hard-drinking, chain smoking, good time girl who rarely attended any lectures. Oh wonderful freedom.
I left University after 3 years, with (by some miracle) a degree, albeit a mediocre one, but hey, I’d had a ball for 3 years, so I didn’t give a crap that it was a mediocre one. The fact I could have left with a 1st Class degree if I had actually applied myself also did not bother me. This attitude was also to become symptomatic of my life – CAN’T BE BOTHERED.
I moved back to my home town after graduating. I was going to take a year and travel round Europe with my boyfriend. We were then going to go back to (a different) University for a year where I was going to take my teaching certificate. I decided I didn’t want to do either of those things and split up with my boyfriend – by letter. To this day, I am not even sure why.
So I started working for the Government – even though I had a degree, the only positions available were at the bottom of the ladder. I was there for 14 years until I took voluntary redundancy. I did well, I moved up the ladder and got as high up as I was ever going to get in that establishment.
Shortly after I started work I met a local guy and after about 6 months of dating, he moved in with me. It was a relationship dominated by drinking. At the time, I was working evenings and weekends at a local pub, in addition to my government job. Half of my work life revolved around drinking, my social life revolved around drinking. I didn’t have any friends who didn’t drink. I didn’t have any interests or hobbies (aside from reading). I didn’t have any time for any interests or hobbies – I was too busy either working or getting wasted.
Eventually my partner and I split up shortly after I gave birth to our son, when I was in my late 20s. I’m not sure exactly why we split up – I never have fully processed the reasons.
So, I was now a single parent, but by this time I was earning more and didn’t need to work 2 jobs, so my son and I were comfortable. I had a nice house, a new sports car, disposable income and I started to establish a good network of friends from work and got on with my life. This was a relatively good time in my life.
My drinking patterns started to change though. I couldn’t go out so much now, with a son to look after, so I started to drink more at home. And I started to drink more wine (I never drank spirits at home). I had a well-established habit of a bottle a night (and more) in my early 30s. Not only was I drinking to excess every evening, but at least twice a week I would be at the pub during my lunch-break at work. How I was never reprimanded for being drunk at work I don’t know.
I started to become more selfish – or perhaps, more accurately, friends started to reach the limit of their patience with me. I suppose they wanted more than a fair weather friend who could be great company but little else. I think I was someone who just didn’t have the mental capacity or self-awareness to be anything more. I was selfish and I couldn’t be bothered with anything that required effort. Just give me wine and I’ll be fine… to hell with what anyone else needed.
I also behaved like an a*** when I drank. I would start off amiably enough then turn mean and inevitably offend someone I cared about. It became preferable not to have friends that would get offended.
Then began what I refer to as my 4 years of insanity. I took redundancy from my job. I’d been there for a long time, the pay-out was generous and I decided to study for a Master’s Degree in Forensic Psychology. It all started well enough. I was accepted to a good University and decided to take a part-time job at a local café – just a few hours a week, for some variety. I had been working at the café for a few months when the owner announced she was going to sell it. Right there and then I decided to buy it. I mean, forget the fact that if I bought a café I would be throwing away my opportunity to get my Master’s Degree. I guess I had already decided that that was too much like hard work.
18 months later I had sold the café, was married to an alcoholic who also had a cocaine addiction and was 8 months pregnant at the age of 37. What was I doing!!?? I was also very depressed and still drinking and smoking (albeit nowhere near previous quantities) despite being pregnant.
I gave birth to my daughter and was pregnant again 6 months later. By the time I gave birth to my son I was clinically depressed. I had not worked since selling the café, my husband was working, but was spending all he earned on drink so I was having to support us using my savings. He was becoming increasingly abusive, mentally and physically and the end result was that I had a nervous breakdown a few months after my son was born which was the catalyst to eventually throwing my husband out.
I was now being supported financially by the government, had 2 babies and an older son just starting high school. I had no savings left and no chance of getting a job as I could not afford to put 2 children into day care. My drinking (and smoking) had rapidly returned to pre-pregnancy levels and I was back to consuming 1-1.5 bottles of wine an evening.
Over the next few years whilst the youngest 2 were still pre-school I tried to make the most of the time. I realised that I was lucky to have this time to spend with them. Time I had never had the luxury of spending with my eldest son as I had been working. All in all, they were pleasant times. I was neither happy or sad, I kept myself comfortably numb and continued with the work I had started a decade earlier - distancing myself from anyone who seemed as if they wanted anything more than a ‘drinking buddy’ relationship. I just didn’t have the capacity to invest in anyone else.
And so, here I am, a 47 year old single mother of 3. I live near my parents, both of whom are still alive and remain married to each other. My brother lives in a neighbouring town. My parents and I have a good relationship, which is much more a reflection of what wonderful, loving, tolerant people they are, than any effort on my part. My brother and I also have a good relationship.
It’s still just me and the kids at home – together with our 2 cats and dog. My eldest son, now an adult, still lives with me, has a full-time job and pays me rent. The youngest are at primary school.
I now work full-time and have been in my job for 3 years. I rarely socialise with anyone outside of work. I would say that I am very isolated. I would also say that this is a position that I have orchestrated myself and is a direct result of my years of drinking. It is something I would very much like to change.
Just over 2 weeks ago I stopped drinking. There were 2 reasons for this. Firstly, I knew my drinking was escalating and I had been feeling more and more continuously ill. I had skipped out on work for a couple of days in the last month because I had felt so bad – this was NOT a good sign. Secondly, I really, really wanted to stop smoking, once and for all, and I figured that not drinking would give me the best shot at that. So I stopped drinking and 2 days later I stopped smoking.
To support my smoking cessation I went back to a forum that I had used for support before and began to trawl through the libraries there reading everything I could about the nature of nicotine addiction. This brought me in contact with material related to alcohol addiction, and for the first time I actually began to think about my relationship with alcohol.
I had already come to the conclusion that I ‘drank too much’ (I’m perceptive aren’t I?). My stopping was going to kick start my smoking recovery and give my body a well-earned rest from alcohol. I had absolutely no intention for it to be permanent! However, I started to think about what would happen when I started drinking again. No problem, I told myself, I would moderate my drinking. I wouldn’t drink alone. I wouldn’t drink on weekdays. I would start drinking low-alcohol wine. I would stop drinking wine and start drinking beer. I then had one of those moments of clarity….
IF I HAD EVER BEEN ABLE TO DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS, ALCOHOL WOULD NOT EVEN BE AN ISSUE FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
But never drinking again? Ever? I was horrified by the prospect of that and could so easily have dismissed that as an option right there and then. But something stopped me from doing that (I suppose being sober at the time helped) and I started thinking about what exactly I felt alcohol gave me – what was its great gift to me?
Was it sparkling wit? Was it articulate and interesting conversation? Was it popularity? Was it empathy? Selflessness? Career success? Financial stability? Confidence? Self-assurance? Self-awareness? Kindness? Tolerance? Serenity?
The answer I arrived at? I finally realised that alcohol had long since stopped paying out. It was only collecting now and while I let it, it would continue to collect until I was in my grave.
I am in the very early days of recovery. I know I have a long way to go, but I am committed to remaining drug free (by which I mean alcohol and nicotine), one day at a time. I am also committed to trying to be a better person and to trying to be a better friend.
Rachel.
Here it is.
I was brought up in the 70s in a small country town in England. My childhood was happy and secure, my parents strict but fair. My father was a scientist and my mother a teacher of the deaf. I grew up with my brother, who is two years younger than me.
My parents were very involved with their church (my father was a Lay Preacher), which was a very traditional ‘Brethren’ church, and, to me, attending the one and a half hour service every Sunday morning was just about the most boring activity ever created. Sunday worship activities did not end there. There was also Sunday school and, when we were older, Bible Class. I hated it! I mean, I really hated it and the resentment I felt towards my parents for making me participate was pretty powerful, although I never said anything, I never complained. I just held it in. This was to become the way I dealt with a lot of discontent in my life – repress it.
The impact of my parents’ religious beliefs extended to my social life as a teenager. I was not granted the same freedoms as most of my friends when it came to attending parties, or going to the pub. Again, the resentment simmered and built up until I left home at 18 to take up a place at University.
Ah, University. How many of were set upon the road to alcoholism at University? I arrived at University, a fresh-faced, sensible, somewhat naive, virgin who enjoyed the odd drink and smoked a cigarette or 2 a day (maybe less). By the end of the first year I was a hard-drinking, chain smoking, good time girl who rarely attended any lectures. Oh wonderful freedom.
I left University after 3 years, with (by some miracle) a degree, albeit a mediocre one, but hey, I’d had a ball for 3 years, so I didn’t give a crap that it was a mediocre one. The fact I could have left with a 1st Class degree if I had actually applied myself also did not bother me. This attitude was also to become symptomatic of my life – CAN’T BE BOTHERED.
I moved back to my home town after graduating. I was going to take a year and travel round Europe with my boyfriend. We were then going to go back to (a different) University for a year where I was going to take my teaching certificate. I decided I didn’t want to do either of those things and split up with my boyfriend – by letter. To this day, I am not even sure why.
So I started working for the Government – even though I had a degree, the only positions available were at the bottom of the ladder. I was there for 14 years until I took voluntary redundancy. I did well, I moved up the ladder and got as high up as I was ever going to get in that establishment.
Shortly after I started work I met a local guy and after about 6 months of dating, he moved in with me. It was a relationship dominated by drinking. At the time, I was working evenings and weekends at a local pub, in addition to my government job. Half of my work life revolved around drinking, my social life revolved around drinking. I didn’t have any friends who didn’t drink. I didn’t have any interests or hobbies (aside from reading). I didn’t have any time for any interests or hobbies – I was too busy either working or getting wasted.
Eventually my partner and I split up shortly after I gave birth to our son, when I was in my late 20s. I’m not sure exactly why we split up – I never have fully processed the reasons.
So, I was now a single parent, but by this time I was earning more and didn’t need to work 2 jobs, so my son and I were comfortable. I had a nice house, a new sports car, disposable income and I started to establish a good network of friends from work and got on with my life. This was a relatively good time in my life.
My drinking patterns started to change though. I couldn’t go out so much now, with a son to look after, so I started to drink more at home. And I started to drink more wine (I never drank spirits at home). I had a well-established habit of a bottle a night (and more) in my early 30s. Not only was I drinking to excess every evening, but at least twice a week I would be at the pub during my lunch-break at work. How I was never reprimanded for being drunk at work I don’t know.
I started to become more selfish – or perhaps, more accurately, friends started to reach the limit of their patience with me. I suppose they wanted more than a fair weather friend who could be great company but little else. I think I was someone who just didn’t have the mental capacity or self-awareness to be anything more. I was selfish and I couldn’t be bothered with anything that required effort. Just give me wine and I’ll be fine… to hell with what anyone else needed.
I also behaved like an a*** when I drank. I would start off amiably enough then turn mean and inevitably offend someone I cared about. It became preferable not to have friends that would get offended.
Then began what I refer to as my 4 years of insanity. I took redundancy from my job. I’d been there for a long time, the pay-out was generous and I decided to study for a Master’s Degree in Forensic Psychology. It all started well enough. I was accepted to a good University and decided to take a part-time job at a local café – just a few hours a week, for some variety. I had been working at the café for a few months when the owner announced she was going to sell it. Right there and then I decided to buy it. I mean, forget the fact that if I bought a café I would be throwing away my opportunity to get my Master’s Degree. I guess I had already decided that that was too much like hard work.
18 months later I had sold the café, was married to an alcoholic who also had a cocaine addiction and was 8 months pregnant at the age of 37. What was I doing!!?? I was also very depressed and still drinking and smoking (albeit nowhere near previous quantities) despite being pregnant.
I gave birth to my daughter and was pregnant again 6 months later. By the time I gave birth to my son I was clinically depressed. I had not worked since selling the café, my husband was working, but was spending all he earned on drink so I was having to support us using my savings. He was becoming increasingly abusive, mentally and physically and the end result was that I had a nervous breakdown a few months after my son was born which was the catalyst to eventually throwing my husband out.
I was now being supported financially by the government, had 2 babies and an older son just starting high school. I had no savings left and no chance of getting a job as I could not afford to put 2 children into day care. My drinking (and smoking) had rapidly returned to pre-pregnancy levels and I was back to consuming 1-1.5 bottles of wine an evening.
Over the next few years whilst the youngest 2 were still pre-school I tried to make the most of the time. I realised that I was lucky to have this time to spend with them. Time I had never had the luxury of spending with my eldest son as I had been working. All in all, they were pleasant times. I was neither happy or sad, I kept myself comfortably numb and continued with the work I had started a decade earlier - distancing myself from anyone who seemed as if they wanted anything more than a ‘drinking buddy’ relationship. I just didn’t have the capacity to invest in anyone else.
And so, here I am, a 47 year old single mother of 3. I live near my parents, both of whom are still alive and remain married to each other. My brother lives in a neighbouring town. My parents and I have a good relationship, which is much more a reflection of what wonderful, loving, tolerant people they are, than any effort on my part. My brother and I also have a good relationship.
It’s still just me and the kids at home – together with our 2 cats and dog. My eldest son, now an adult, still lives with me, has a full-time job and pays me rent. The youngest are at primary school.
I now work full-time and have been in my job for 3 years. I rarely socialise with anyone outside of work. I would say that I am very isolated. I would also say that this is a position that I have orchestrated myself and is a direct result of my years of drinking. It is something I would very much like to change.
Just over 2 weeks ago I stopped drinking. There were 2 reasons for this. Firstly, I knew my drinking was escalating and I had been feeling more and more continuously ill. I had skipped out on work for a couple of days in the last month because I had felt so bad – this was NOT a good sign. Secondly, I really, really wanted to stop smoking, once and for all, and I figured that not drinking would give me the best shot at that. So I stopped drinking and 2 days later I stopped smoking.
To support my smoking cessation I went back to a forum that I had used for support before and began to trawl through the libraries there reading everything I could about the nature of nicotine addiction. This brought me in contact with material related to alcohol addiction, and for the first time I actually began to think about my relationship with alcohol.
I had already come to the conclusion that I ‘drank too much’ (I’m perceptive aren’t I?). My stopping was going to kick start my smoking recovery and give my body a well-earned rest from alcohol. I had absolutely no intention for it to be permanent! However, I started to think about what would happen when I started drinking again. No problem, I told myself, I would moderate my drinking. I wouldn’t drink alone. I wouldn’t drink on weekdays. I would start drinking low-alcohol wine. I would stop drinking wine and start drinking beer. I then had one of those moments of clarity….
IF I HAD EVER BEEN ABLE TO DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS, ALCOHOL WOULD NOT EVEN BE AN ISSUE FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
But never drinking again? Ever? I was horrified by the prospect of that and could so easily have dismissed that as an option right there and then. But something stopped me from doing that (I suppose being sober at the time helped) and I started thinking about what exactly I felt alcohol gave me – what was its great gift to me?
Was it sparkling wit? Was it articulate and interesting conversation? Was it popularity? Was it empathy? Selflessness? Career success? Financial stability? Confidence? Self-assurance? Self-awareness? Kindness? Tolerance? Serenity?
The answer I arrived at? I finally realised that alcohol had long since stopped paying out. It was only collecting now and while I let it, it would continue to collect until I was in my grave.
I am in the very early days of recovery. I know I have a long way to go, but I am committed to remaining drug free (by which I mean alcohol and nicotine), one day at a time. I am also committed to trying to be a better person and to trying to be a better friend.
Rachel.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
Thankyou Rachel. A courageous, sincere post. The are a lot of strategies in the sticky's to learn from. Perhaps join the Class of March 2017 thread? Keep posting. Empathy and support to you and well done.
Empathy and support. PJ
Empathy and support. PJ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 125
You write very well, I could actually hear your exasperation. Gifted actually, you may be missing your career calling.
I had to come to the same conclusion in December '16. I would be mad at myself for all the missed or ruined opportunities, relationship faux pas, etc. (Not including the sheer volume of cash) if I thought it would do any good.
But as the Good Book says in Philippians 3:13-
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"
Sobriety is not the destination, it's the place we need to be at to truly start the journey...
I had to come to the same conclusion in December '16. I would be mad at myself for all the missed or ruined opportunities, relationship faux pas, etc. (Not including the sheer volume of cash) if I thought it would do any good.
But as the Good Book says in Philippians 3:13-
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"
Sobriety is not the destination, it's the place we need to be at to truly start the journey...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 186
Hi Bimbott
Thanks for posting your 'story so far'. I love your comment that alcohol has long stopped paying out and is only collecting now.
I am a similar age to you with a child at primary school and only a few weeks sober under my belt. I quit smoking many years ago after reading Allen Carr's book- totally changed my perception of my smoking behaviour, unfortunately, continued to drink for another 15 years.
Good idea to revise your plans to quit alcohol temporarily and to knock on the head for good.
The support on here is great- you'll learn so much if you stick around.
Carly
Thanks for posting your 'story so far'. I love your comment that alcohol has long stopped paying out and is only collecting now.
I am a similar age to you with a child at primary school and only a few weeks sober under my belt. I quit smoking many years ago after reading Allen Carr's book- totally changed my perception of my smoking behaviour, unfortunately, continued to drink for another 15 years.
Good idea to revise your plans to quit alcohol temporarily and to knock on the head for good.
The support on here is great- you'll learn so much if you stick around.
Carly
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Great post bimbott! 
I tried to write something similar when I first posted here and was amazed at the extent to which alcohol had controlled my life for twenty years. Seeing it written down helped.
Congratulations on making a great decision.
I know it's not the main point here but I had to laugh at this:
I have thought over the years that someone should seriously study this phenomenon.
I tried to write something similar when I first posted here and was amazed at the extent to which alcohol had controlled my life for twenty years. Seeing it written down helped.Congratulations on making a great decision.
I know it's not the main point here but I had to laugh at this:
Originally Posted by bimbott 
Ah, University. How many of were set upon the road to alcoholism at University?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Worcestershire, UK
Posts: 153
Thank you everyone. I am so glad I found this site. I get to start on this journey at the same time as others! and I also get to take advantage of the experiences of others who have travelled further along the road.
Alan6154 - love this
MrMcTell - do you think we could get funding for a study? ;-)
Alan6154 - love this
Originally Posted by Alan6154
Philippians 3:13-
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Rachel,
Thanks for sharing your story. Its good to see that you are reflecting on your life and the relationship you have had with alcohol. You have accomplished a great deal, and now with sobriety, you can accomplish so much more. Keep close. We are all in this together.
Thanks for sharing your story. Its good to see that you are reflecting on your life and the relationship you have had with alcohol. You have accomplished a great deal, and now with sobriety, you can accomplish so much more. Keep close. We are all in this together.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Thanks Bimbott, nicely done! Bet you felt awesome after hitting submit
. You remind me a lot of a lifelong friend of mine. Welcome aboard.
Like you, towards the end of my drinking, I found myself without a lot of friends. My husband and I started a business in 2013 and many of the colleagues I worked with before I resigned from the corp. fell to the wayside...I became too wrapped up in my drinking and trying to help my DH run a business. Who had time to keep up with old friends? Needless to say, the business suffered and so did I.
Keep posting...I really enjoyed what you wrote!
. You remind me a lot of a lifelong friend of mine. Welcome aboard.Like you, towards the end of my drinking, I found myself without a lot of friends. My husband and I started a business in 2013 and many of the colleagues I worked with before I resigned from the corp. fell to the wayside...I became too wrapped up in my drinking and trying to help my DH run a business. Who had time to keep up with old friends? Needless to say, the business suffered and so did I.
Keep posting...I really enjoyed what you wrote!
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