How Low?
 

How Low?

I guess I’m only writing this for myself, in hopes of help.

I’m a lot lower than I ever let on here on SR. Sorry for the lack of honesty, but pride gets in the way, as many of us know.

I’m out. Most recently I had 11 days and then I had a 500 mile roadtrip behind truckers in PA. For those who don’t know, these jerks go 50 uphill, side by side, and 85 downhill, right up you’re a**. It’s hugely annoying. I had to go 100 to escape them. Arriving home it was of course “f-it” time.

My wife is giving up, God bless her she hung on as long as she could.

You wouldn’t believe what the f is wrong with my house—so I won’t explain that.

I’m unemployed, and I hate that, even though there isn’t much for me to do here. Small town, dimbulbs mostly.

Every time I drive my truck it’s illegal, because it won’t pass inspection. Thank God I know the local police and can avoid their routine.

My liver has been out for over five years. Saw a documentary in which a woman, 60 yo, 5 years sober, had her liver crap out. Yup, that’s probably me I say. She got a transplant. Morally, I say no way in hell I would go for that. Plus I hate doctors, lol. Tried to get a colonoscopy last year, wound up in the ER with withdrawal. All I wanted was orange juice, orange juice. Thanks ER doc for the Ativan, I went out to lunch and choked on my salad. Seriously, thanks. It worked.

Guess I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Guess I don’t know what I’m doing right.

Give it to me. Massive humility, probably. Trouble is, I pour that over myself every day, with massive hammer blows included.

You're drinking and you think it's because of Pennsylvania truckers.

You are posting here.

Where will you be in 2 years, and how are you going to get there?

Not sure what you are doing for your recovery. You have been active in your newcomer's class. Is that support enough?

You say you are feeling low. From the position, everything looks insurmountable. But if you stand up, take stock, and start tackling the things that are problems, the hurdles aren't quite so high. Start with your recovery.

I don't think beating ourselves up when we are already down (or anytime) is helpful.

Posting here is definitely right and to continue posting is a very good thing.

I am thinking about you today, please don't give up.

:grouphug:

Have you looked into the possibility you could be depressed? You could be drinking to deal with depression. The way you describe your life right now...that could be a big contributor to depression. I know you hate Dr.s, but you probably do need to see one.

Hi Pelagic, I know you have the smarts to do this. Welcome back. Empathy and support to you, my friend. PJ

Hi Pelagic :)

I don't believe that you or anyone else here is doomed. That's just drink talk designed to make more drinking easier.

They say if you're in a hole, stop digging.
Whats it going to take for you to stop digging?

Adding the Class of March 17, committing to posting here daily and especially when you feel you're in danger, Dr, counsellor, AA or some other group..rehab inpatient or outpatient?

None of those ideas might seem attractive but when you're drowning you don;t quibble about the colour of the lifeboat.

I understand pride but seriously - we've all been where you are... or worse.

You'll find compassion here, not judgement - sounds like you have that end of things pretty tied up anyway.

stop beating yourself up - you'll need that energy to find, and do, something different :)

D