Loser ...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 80
I'm 45 y/o and have been a problem drinker since I put that first beer to my lips at 19. When I was 41 I woke up one day after about 25 beers the night before to take that daily 4 minute pi$$ at 5 in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes, 3-4 days growth on my double chin, bloated, red-faced, felt like hell.
I decided that I would quit that day. I mistakenly poured out the case and a half I had in the fridge and within about 12-15 hours I started withdrawls. Every fiber and every cell in my body was in turmoil. I literally thought I had developed multiple sclerosis because my muscles --even my tongue and eyeballs-- felt like they were being pulled apart by conflicting electrical impulses from my brain.
Long story short, I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and given massive doses of liquid valium. I then underwent a battery of tests including urinalysis, blood test, electrocardiogram, sonogram of my liver/pancreas, x-rays. I was hooked to an IV and given high doses of blood pressure medicine and folic acid. I left after 48 hours with a prescription for Librium. I swore I would never drink again. The misery was unbearable and the hospital bills were over $11,000.
Over the next 4 years I dry drunked it. I did research on sensible dieting and lost 65 pounds, enrolled in a local community college and graduated with an Associate of Arts degree, followed by enrolling in a local University business school last Fall. I cut my hair super short, shaved my facial hair, got new glasses and clothes, developed a golden tan (I used to never go outside when drinking) and became an entirely different man. I was making great accomplishments and new friends and was genuinely happy.
Then it happened. I was on my way home from school one night and I stopped and got gas. I attended classes all day Tuesday and Thursday and had been working hard in the various labs in an effort to get ahead and prepare for finals. Having gotten a bit ahead, and not having to go back until the following Tuesday, I went in the gas station and bought a 12 pack. I thought I would relax a bit, watch some TV/youTube and everything would be fine... WRONG!
After just 2-3 beers I decided that wasn't going to be enough and ran to the supermarket up the street before I got too impaired. I bought 2 cases and that began a brutal 3-4 week binge. Not only could I not handle it like I thought I could, I was more out of control than ever.. by FAR! I had to withdraw from classes, caused tremendous heartache to those close to me, and dealt with a shame and despair I've never felt before.
It has been about 7 weeks since my last drink and something has changed in me. Like you, I am naturally reserved and was never particularly comfortable at AA meetings (I'd been to about 1/2 dozen before over the years). This time however I decided to go into it with an open mind. I began reading the big book, which I highly recommend, and attending various meetings in my local area. At first I was eager for them to be over, but upon hearing the stories that paralleled mine, as well as the sincerity of those whose life has been so profoundly changed for the better, I became more and more comfortable. Now just after a few weeks I look forward to going. It is so inspiring to be around those who know exactly what you're feeling and so completely non-judgemental.
I have only spoken briefly, and in generalities, but that is the beauty of the program. You go at your own pace, and my pace is infant steps. I've come to learn that it is the active pursuit of recovery that is important, not necessarily how quickly you burn through the steps. I've heard members talk of being sober for years and still at step 5 or so.
Anyway, I've blathered on too long. I just want to let you know that I know your despair and wanted to share a little bit of my story in the hopes that it can lift you up and let you know that things can definitely get better. One thing that I've read a number of times in the big book is the idea that yesterday never happened, and tomorrow doesn't exist. In other words, drop anything from the past, and do not dwell on the future. When tomorrow comes it will be today.. just work on today
Rob
I decided that I would quit that day. I mistakenly poured out the case and a half I had in the fridge and within about 12-15 hours I started withdrawls. Every fiber and every cell in my body was in turmoil. I literally thought I had developed multiple sclerosis because my muscles --even my tongue and eyeballs-- felt like they were being pulled apart by conflicting electrical impulses from my brain.
Long story short, I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and given massive doses of liquid valium. I then underwent a battery of tests including urinalysis, blood test, electrocardiogram, sonogram of my liver/pancreas, x-rays. I was hooked to an IV and given high doses of blood pressure medicine and folic acid. I left after 48 hours with a prescription for Librium. I swore I would never drink again. The misery was unbearable and the hospital bills were over $11,000.
Over the next 4 years I dry drunked it. I did research on sensible dieting and lost 65 pounds, enrolled in a local community college and graduated with an Associate of Arts degree, followed by enrolling in a local University business school last Fall. I cut my hair super short, shaved my facial hair, got new glasses and clothes, developed a golden tan (I used to never go outside when drinking) and became an entirely different man. I was making great accomplishments and new friends and was genuinely happy.
Then it happened. I was on my way home from school one night and I stopped and got gas. I attended classes all day Tuesday and Thursday and had been working hard in the various labs in an effort to get ahead and prepare for finals. Having gotten a bit ahead, and not having to go back until the following Tuesday, I went in the gas station and bought a 12 pack. I thought I would relax a bit, watch some TV/youTube and everything would be fine... WRONG!
After just 2-3 beers I decided that wasn't going to be enough and ran to the supermarket up the street before I got too impaired. I bought 2 cases and that began a brutal 3-4 week binge. Not only could I not handle it like I thought I could, I was more out of control than ever.. by FAR! I had to withdraw from classes, caused tremendous heartache to those close to me, and dealt with a shame and despair I've never felt before.
It has been about 7 weeks since my last drink and something has changed in me. Like you, I am naturally reserved and was never particularly comfortable at AA meetings (I'd been to about 1/2 dozen before over the years). This time however I decided to go into it with an open mind. I began reading the big book, which I highly recommend, and attending various meetings in my local area. At first I was eager for them to be over, but upon hearing the stories that paralleled mine, as well as the sincerity of those whose life has been so profoundly changed for the better, I became more and more comfortable. Now just after a few weeks I look forward to going. It is so inspiring to be around those who know exactly what you're feeling and so completely non-judgemental.
I have only spoken briefly, and in generalities, but that is the beauty of the program. You go at your own pace, and my pace is infant steps. I've come to learn that it is the active pursuit of recovery that is important, not necessarily how quickly you burn through the steps. I've heard members talk of being sober for years and still at step 5 or so.
Anyway, I've blathered on too long. I just want to let you know that I know your despair and wanted to share a little bit of my story in the hopes that it can lift you up and let you know that things can definitely get better. One thing that I've read a number of times in the big book is the idea that yesterday never happened, and tomorrow doesn't exist. In other words, drop anything from the past, and do not dwell on the future. When tomorrow comes it will be today.. just work on today
Rob
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 80
Sure Alcohol is a formidable foe, and I've learned that it beats me every time. The allure of it is as powerful as it's destructiveness. I've decided that I need to actively work a program as well as with others to eliminate it from my life. Time to develop a "never take that first drink" wrinkle in our brains! Hang in there.
Alcohol is a formidable foe, and I've learned that it beats me every time. The allure of it is as powerful as it's destructiveness. I've decided that I need to actively work a program as well as with others to eliminate it from my life. Time to develop a "never take that first drink" wrinkle in our brains! Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 125
Quitting drinking was easy, I did it a dozen times.....
Okay bad joke. I personally have quit many times before, and failed many times. But I was doing it for others sake. This time around I did it for me. I had to be a little selfish. Call it self preservation if you will. I also got tired of being disappointed in that guy staring back at me in the mirror.
You've done this before you can do it again. Only this time better.
Okay bad joke. I personally have quit many times before, and failed many times. But I was doing it for others sake. This time around I did it for me. I had to be a little selfish. Call it self preservation if you will. I also got tired of being disappointed in that guy staring back at me in the mirror.
You've done this before you can do it again. Only this time better.
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