Would this be helping or hurting an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Would this be helping or hurting an alcoholic?
Hi, my husband relapsed a couple of weeks ago, days before a year anniversary. Promised it was a slip, but when I became distant after realizing we wasn't doing anything to get better, he got wasted and blamed it on me. Then apologized, said that I needed to just trust him and let it go because I was making things worse by being distant. I tried, put forth effort as long as he wasn't drinking and he agreed to take a breathalyzer to earn back trust if I was really uncertain and thought he was drinking. I have 4 kids, his steps, and will not allow him in this house drunk, it can not be around my kids and if he is swearing he's sober, a breathalyzer I'd what I need as proof to have him around my kids.
I asked him to take one yesterday for the first time, he really sounded slurred. He flipped out said he wasn't going to jump through my hoops any more, refused to take it and told me he was done with me instead and left. He later came home wasted and accused me of calling the police on him, apparently someone called and reported that someone with his description was walking home round drunk acting crazy. He's convinced it was me, says the cops said I called and said he was walking around drunk. No way they said that because it didn't happen.
He is supposed to go visit his 9yr old son cross Country on Thursday. I was going to drive him to the airport, but he has been so drunk and mean and lost all care for me and our life, won't do anything to change it and spent some of the reserved money for the trip on vodka yesterday. I feel that since I gave him my boundary, I will do anything for you and with you sober. Drink, your choice, your consequence and I'm out of it, not helping with any thing or letting you near my family drunk. I don't think I should take the day offor of driving my kids to school and having them get out on their own to drive e 2 hrs to the airport, but I know he had no other ride. Am I being to mean to not take him, he won't get to see his son, but he gets to walk over me again and he's ungrateful for it believing I just owe it to him for "throwing everything away" by not trusting him when he refused the sobriety test. Do I take him or not? What is the right thing to do here? What is the actual best thing for him that I should do in this situation while he is actively going down a path of destruction, is taking him enabling? I'm a little confused about what helps or hurts when it comes to consequences for an active alcoholic.
Thank you so much
I asked him to take one yesterday for the first time, he really sounded slurred. He flipped out said he wasn't going to jump through my hoops any more, refused to take it and told me he was done with me instead and left. He later came home wasted and accused me of calling the police on him, apparently someone called and reported that someone with his description was walking home round drunk acting crazy. He's convinced it was me, says the cops said I called and said he was walking around drunk. No way they said that because it didn't happen.
He is supposed to go visit his 9yr old son cross Country on Thursday. I was going to drive him to the airport, but he has been so drunk and mean and lost all care for me and our life, won't do anything to change it and spent some of the reserved money for the trip on vodka yesterday. I feel that since I gave him my boundary, I will do anything for you and with you sober. Drink, your choice, your consequence and I'm out of it, not helping with any thing or letting you near my family drunk. I don't think I should take the day offor of driving my kids to school and having them get out on their own to drive e 2 hrs to the airport, but I know he had no other ride. Am I being to mean to not take him, he won't get to see his son, but he gets to walk over me again and he's ungrateful for it believing I just owe it to him for "throwing everything away" by not trusting him when he refused the sobriety test. Do I take him or not? What is the right thing to do here? What is the actual best thing for him that I should do in this situation while he is actively going down a path of destruction, is taking him enabling? I'm a little confused about what helps or hurts when it comes to consequences for an active alcoholic.
Thank you so much
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
He can call van transport, Mlo. It's an expense, but worth it, I think, to keep your boundaries in place.
I would expect drama when you tell him.
Be strong. He's pushing up against your boundaries, looking for weak spots. It isn't personal. It's what they do. Peace.
I would expect drama when you tell him.
Be strong. He's pushing up against your boundaries, looking for weak spots. It isn't personal. It's what they do. Peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Mizzuno 
Until he straightens himself out I would not be doing anything for him.
Seems that tough love (usually) get's the best results ???????????????????
?????????? because each case is different.
MB
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Hang in the Milo. Like you, I am getting sober with my DH. It's not easy at all. This is not our first attempt at getting sober together. I've tried to look back at what we did wrong during our previous attempts at getting sober together. This time I'm taking a new approach. As hard as it is for me, I'm trying to separate his recovery from mine. Otherwise, I'm carrying too big of a load...KWIM?
The way I see it, the best thing I can do for him, is to show him that getting stronger and I'm putting my sobriety first. My hope is that by me not reacting to his struggles, he will be forced to look at himself. Instead of me being the reason for his relapses, he owns it. Make sense? Maybe not, I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. The bottom line is that I will not give him a reason to blame me...time for him to begin looking at himself.
Hang in there...you'll sort it out. If not, keep coming here to vent, there's so many of us who are recovering with our life partners. Reach out to friends to vent your frustrations...journal...do anything to not drink again!
Big hugs!
The way I see it, the best thing I can do for him, is to show him that getting stronger and I'm putting my sobriety first. My hope is that by me not reacting to his struggles, he will be forced to look at himself. Instead of me being the reason for his relapses, he owns it. Make sense? Maybe not, I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. The bottom line is that I will not give him a reason to blame me...time for him to begin looking at himself.
Hang in there...you'll sort it out. If not, keep coming here to vent, there's so many of us who are recovering with our life partners. Reach out to friends to vent your frustrations...journal...do anything to not drink again!
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
That would (probably) be for the best ?????????????????????
Seems that tough love (usually) get's the best results ???????????????????
?????????? because each case is different.
MB
Seems that tough love (usually) get's the best results ???????????????????
?????????? because each case is different.
MB
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
Its an opinion. May not be what your opinion is but its my opinion to the OP.
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Well, he just came out and said that I caused him to drink. He did nothing wrong and it's entirely my fault because I asked him to use the breathalyzerest. Apparently, he says he was sober when I asked him to do it and coming home to me thinking je was drunk made him go get drunk? Is there any validity.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Mlo1125
Thank you, I appreciate all opinions. At this point, whether or not I like an opinion is irrelevant because I clearly don't have a good one myself. Figured if anyone on the addict side has a thought about what might be best, I value it very much.
Sorry to digress.
I personally would focus on myself and the children. Its not your job to take care of someone who is actively treating you poorly and engaged in drinking. It seems like you have enough on your plate. You didnt make him drink. This is not your fault. Period.
Opinion from an alcohol abuser.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What is the actual best thing for him that I should do in this situation while he is actively going down a path of destruction, is taking him enabling?
Stick to your boundary, as hard as that may seem because if you do not he’ll never believe your words just y our in-actions of enforcing them and he will never take you seriously and he will continue to walk all over you disrespecting you and your wants and needs.
He can call for an Uber he can call a cab, he can ask a friend to drive him to the airport if traveling to see his son is that important to him he will find a way.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Well, he just came out and said that I caused him to drink. He did nothing wrong and it's entirely my fault because I asked him to use the breathalyzerest. Apparently, he says he was sober when I asked him to do it and coming home to me thinking je was drunk made him go get drunk? Is there any validity.
Logic would say that if you had that kind of power to make him drink then you would have that kind of power to make him stop drinking.
He wants the responsibility of his drinking to fall on your shoulders that way he doesn't have to take any responsibility for himself and bottom line he doesn't have to quit and it's all your fault! quack, quack, quack......it's typical alcoholic behavior, don't buy into any of it.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I was just like your husband. I didn't get help until I was out of options. When people stopped interfering with my bottom, I hit it and became teachable.
My spouse disengaged from my drama and focused on his own recovery (alcoholism is a family disease). When that happened, I began my own recovery (albeit later). I had no family "privileges" until I had my 1-year chip and had completed the Steps. In retrospect I am so grateful for that.
What is your recovery plan? For YOU? Managing your AH is not your job. He can find his own ride. And I'm not even going to open the can about "should an active alcoholic be hanging around a 9-year-old" and blah blah. So much chaos right now. Maybe it's time to make a decision about where you want to be in the mix.
Glad you are here.
:-)
My spouse disengaged from my drama and focused on his own recovery (alcoholism is a family disease). When that happened, I began my own recovery (albeit later). I had no family "privileges" until I had my 1-year chip and had completed the Steps. In retrospect I am so grateful for that.
What is your recovery plan? For YOU? Managing your AH is not your job. He can find his own ride. And I'm not even going to open the can about "should an active alcoholic be hanging around a 9-year-old" and blah blah. So much chaos right now. Maybe it's time to make a decision about where you want to be in the mix.
Glad you are here.
:-)
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Thank you. I'm heading to my first meeting in an hour. I was trying to do the right thing by him, but he just soberly told me that it was all my fault, he drank because I accused him of drinking and deserve all the hurt I feel because I did this and he has no responsibility in it other than to escape me for his wellbeing. And in the next breath asked if I was still driving him to the airport since I said I would the other day. He just made my answer easier.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Drinking "at" people is common. He is putting the responsibility of his drinking onto you.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
In fact, he is telling you that you are causing AND controlling HIS drinking. And I know that you can see that for the BS that it is. Taxiing him around is hardly "doing right by him". It is manipulation by him, plain and simple, to get what he wants.
Until he TAKES RESPONSIBILITY for his alcoholism and TAKES ACTION to find remission from this progressive fatal malady, there is NOTHING you can "do for him". Only yourself. Good on you for getting to a meeting. Glom onto the ones who have worked the steps and learn all you can!!
mfanch
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
In fact, he is telling you that you are causing AND controlling HIS drinking. And I know that you can see that for the BS that it is. Taxiing him around is hardly "doing right by him". It is manipulation by him, plain and simple, to get what he wants.
Until he TAKES RESPONSIBILITY for his alcoholism and TAKES ACTION to find remission from this progressive fatal malady, there is NOTHING you can "do for him". Only yourself. Good on you for getting to a meeting. Glom onto the ones who have worked the steps and learn all you can!!
mfanch
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
yes, youre wanting him to do a breathtest caused his elbow to bend- you were the one that forced the alcohol down his throat.
think id be tellin him,"its your lie, you gotta live with it."
not suggesting you do that, but I could hear me sayin that.
I can get blamed for others' drinkin, and even have. greatful to know I don't have to accept responsibility for the actions of others.
and wont.
glad yer hittin a meeting
think id be tellin him,"its your lie, you gotta live with it."
not suggesting you do that, but I could hear me sayin that.
I can get blamed for others' drinkin, and even have. greatful to know I don't have to accept responsibility for the actions of others.
and wont.
glad yer hittin a meeting
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Originally Posted by Mlo1125
Thank you. I'm heading to my first meeting in an hour. I was trying to do the right thing by him, but he just soberly told me that it was all my fault, he drank because I accused him of drinking and deserve all the hurt I feel because I did this and he has no responsibility in it other than to escape me for his wellbeing. And in the next breath asked if I was still driving him to the airport since I said I would the other day. He just made my answer easier.
I know that what ultimately became most effective for me wasn't anger, because anger from my SO showed that she still cared. What was most effective, and what pushed me to recovery sooner, was apathy. Actions that did not include me, with explanations that showed no emotional attachment to me.
It's not: "I'm not driving you to the airport because I'm angry at you for blaming me." It is: (in a very flat, unemotional, matter of fact tone):, "I am unable to drive you to the airport because I need to focus all of my time and attention on my family." Or simply, "I'm not available."
Good luck. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I was trying to do the right thing by him,
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