Taking the first step
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
Taking the first step
Hi guys,
This is my first time posting here so I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to say. I feel like getting something down on paper might be helpful though.
I'm a 29 year old guy from the UK and I have been struggling with my drinking off and (mostly on) for the last 8 years. I have always known that I had a skewed relationship with alcohol. I've fall into that category of people who can't understand why you would stop drinking until there is nothing left to drink. For years it was easy enough to find excuses to get hammered with friends regularly (gap years and university).
About five years ago things started to change, I found myself drinking alone and hiding my drinking from family and friends. Over time, the frequency and quantity of my dinking ramped up until I was drinking half a bottle of vodka most nights. I fluctuated between self disgust (sometimes drinking simply to escape that feeling, sometimes getting angry enough to quit for a month or two) and resignation (this was just a part of my life.) Alcohol has not destroyed my life, I have a successful career, good friends, no convictions, no health problems and a loving, supportive family. I used this to rationalise and tell myself there was no real problem.
Ultimately the thing that has killed me is the deceit. I am so sick of making excuses for unnecessary trips to the shop (no car needs refilling as often as mine). I'm tired of the sick feeling I get when my wife is digging around for something in the kitchen too close to my stashed bottle. I feel pathetic every time I top up a "legitimate" bottle of drink with water or tea and swear this is the last time. I miss being able to talk to my wife about the things I am struggling with I my life, because that thing is alcohol and she doesn't know about my problem.
17 days ago I snapped and told her the truth. Of course she was upset by the lies but her reaction was phenomenal. I completely blindsided her and the reply was, ok how do we get you better.
It's day 17 today and although this is far from the longest I have abstained, it feels completely different this time. I was alone before, now I am not. Previous attempts were built on anger and self hatred, this time it is about making my life better. For years I have allowed my pride and fear of telling the truth get in the way. The relief of honesty is the greatest motivation.
I know it is very early days, and I am storing up help and support for the harder times, but the (not so) simple act of reaching out and sharing my problem has been a life changing first step.
If anyone is reading these blogs like I did for years, alone and scared, you do not have to be. Reach out and trust that people will want to help.
Thanks.
This is my first time posting here so I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to say. I feel like getting something down on paper might be helpful though.
I'm a 29 year old guy from the UK and I have been struggling with my drinking off and (mostly on) for the last 8 years. I have always known that I had a skewed relationship with alcohol. I've fall into that category of people who can't understand why you would stop drinking until there is nothing left to drink. For years it was easy enough to find excuses to get hammered with friends regularly (gap years and university).
About five years ago things started to change, I found myself drinking alone and hiding my drinking from family and friends. Over time, the frequency and quantity of my dinking ramped up until I was drinking half a bottle of vodka most nights. I fluctuated between self disgust (sometimes drinking simply to escape that feeling, sometimes getting angry enough to quit for a month or two) and resignation (this was just a part of my life.) Alcohol has not destroyed my life, I have a successful career, good friends, no convictions, no health problems and a loving, supportive family. I used this to rationalise and tell myself there was no real problem.
Ultimately the thing that has killed me is the deceit. I am so sick of making excuses for unnecessary trips to the shop (no car needs refilling as often as mine). I'm tired of the sick feeling I get when my wife is digging around for something in the kitchen too close to my stashed bottle. I feel pathetic every time I top up a "legitimate" bottle of drink with water or tea and swear this is the last time. I miss being able to talk to my wife about the things I am struggling with I my life, because that thing is alcohol and she doesn't know about my problem.
17 days ago I snapped and told her the truth. Of course she was upset by the lies but her reaction was phenomenal. I completely blindsided her and the reply was, ok how do we get you better.
It's day 17 today and although this is far from the longest I have abstained, it feels completely different this time. I was alone before, now I am not. Previous attempts were built on anger and self hatred, this time it is about making my life better. For years I have allowed my pride and fear of telling the truth get in the way. The relief of honesty is the greatest motivation.
I know it is very early days, and I am storing up help and support for the harder times, but the (not so) simple act of reaching out and sharing my problem has been a life changing first step.
If anyone is reading these blogs like I did for years, alone and scared, you do not have to be. Reach out and trust that people will want to help.
Thanks.
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,983
some similarities
in aa we listen/ read for the similarities not the differences
helps us feel a part of not apart from
i got sober at 29
i too drank alone
i too hid my drinking from others
'grats on 17 days!
in aa we listen/ read for the similarities not the differences
helps us feel a part of not apart from
i got sober at 29
i too drank alone
i too hid my drinking from others
'grats on 17 days!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 125
Your story is eerily familiar. I too have a great support system. Also going to the gym is a great substitute. When you first start exercising you're in so much pain (soreness) that you don't think much about drinking. You got this.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
We should quit because we love ourselves and not that we are angry. (but anything if it works) Sometimes we may first feel the anger and if we delve too much into the issue we find it hard to love ourselves much. We have to love ourselves enough though to say that we aren't treating ourselves very well much less others. Congrats on 17 days and wish you many to come.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
There is often a lot of negative feeling towards ourselves when we finally decide to stop drinking. I'm glad that you have been able to move beyond those feelings to positive feelings about yourself and your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Glad you found us. I'm in the UK as well. This place and AA have helped me stay sober for just over 3 years now. It's been a real learning curve and time of change and growth.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
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