Friends in Recovery - HOW
Changing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: NJ
Posts: 120
Friends in Recovery - HOW
I'm going to lots of meeting and sometimes I feel like an outsider.
How do I make friends in AA / meetings?
What worked for you?
I'm going today at 2:30 to my home group where I am the Greeter.
Even as the Greeter people just shake my hand and go find their people.
I'm lonely.
My old friends don't work.
And I miss my friend 'wine' at times too.
But at 49 days I just want to start to make friends and feel normal.
Some of the people that do talk to me say slogans only. "Keep Coming" "It works if you work it" Time takes time. And I just want to scream talk to me, be real, stop with the slogans.
Anyone anyone?
Tiff
How do I make friends in AA / meetings?
What worked for you?
I'm going today at 2:30 to my home group where I am the Greeter.
Even as the Greeter people just shake my hand and go find their people.
I'm lonely.
My old friends don't work.
And I miss my friend 'wine' at times too.
But at 49 days I just want to start to make friends and feel normal.
Some of the people that do talk to me say slogans only. "Keep Coming" "It works if you work it" Time takes time. And I just want to scream talk to me, be real, stop with the slogans.
Anyone anyone?
Tiff
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I'm 44....
I gradually made a few friends from AA, but for a long time, AA was AA. I had my community there, but my day-to-day friendships and community grew out of doing new things I was interested in. Stepping out of my routines and looking for new sober activities in my area. Trying stuff. Going and doing things that put me in contact with other people doing things I was interested in. Things that weren't related to alcohol.
I found that by doing things outside of AA, I supported myself in my recovery and grew a more balanced life bit by bit - one that wasn't centered on and dependent on AA.
That's just what worked for me.
I gradually made a few friends from AA, but for a long time, AA was AA. I had my community there, but my day-to-day friendships and community grew out of doing new things I was interested in. Stepping out of my routines and looking for new sober activities in my area. Trying stuff. Going and doing things that put me in contact with other people doing things I was interested in. Things that weren't related to alcohol.
I found that by doing things outside of AA, I supported myself in my recovery and grew a more balanced life bit by bit - one that wasn't centered on and dependent on AA.
That's just what worked for me.
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,977
ive been to >7000 meetings and sometimes feel like i dont belong
maybe my thinking is the problem?
being of service to others in the fellowship ... like your greeting ... is the #1 way to help me feel less apart from and more a part of the group
maybe my thinking is the problem?
being of service to others in the fellowship ... like your greeting ... is the #1 way to help me feel less apart from and more a part of the group
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I've now got a few good friends in AA, but it took time.
I'm not sure being a greeter is necessarily all that sociable a position to be honest. You're stood outside on your own rather than talking to the people you need to be talking to in the rooms. Helping with the room set up or serving teas, or even washing up tends to be more of an opportunity to talk to a mix of people.
Some of my closest friends got that way by sharing rides to out of town meetings. Maybe offer people a life, or ask for one? But to be honest, things DO take time. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. But it's true.
At my home group I turned up and felt like a spare part at times when I first showed up at that meeting. But after a while I heard what some of the lengths of sobriety were. Many people there had know each other for 5, 10, 15 - even 20 or more years. I wasn't going to just turn up and be as comfortable there as they were. That was a completely unrealistic expectation, and for me personally, it was really important that I dropped that expectation. As time went by I learned to approach others and join in a little. As newcomers joined I made a point of being friendly and getting to know them. Giving them my number. Meeting them for coffee and encouraging them to go to some more meetings by offering lifts. Gradually the network grew.
3 years later I have a network of people I trust and relate to more than any other time in my life, and a few of those people are close friends to boot. I feel truly blessed, but it was a good lesson in delayed gratification as well. And that's a lesson most of us As really need.
Hope you keep going back. Oops. Sorry, a bit of a slogan there hahaha. About the slogans, a lot of us (me included) find them imfuriating and confusing at first. But as we do the step work the wisdom in them starts to show through, and often there will come a time when you most need it that one of those slogans will pop in your head and save your arse. It's happened to me a few times now. Although to be honest I can still get a bit eye-rolley as I'm putting those sheets out on the table with them on. If there are any that really don't make sense to you, ask someone to explain it (someone here or at a meeting). Often people have been saying these things for so long they forget that they're sometimes counterintuitive to newcomers or people who haven't completed their step work. Actually, Slogan Busting could be a great meeting focus. With people actually sharing on how those slogans have helped them practically in their recovery. I might suggest that for my next retreat weekend.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
I'm not sure being a greeter is necessarily all that sociable a position to be honest. You're stood outside on your own rather than talking to the people you need to be talking to in the rooms. Helping with the room set up or serving teas, or even washing up tends to be more of an opportunity to talk to a mix of people.
Some of my closest friends got that way by sharing rides to out of town meetings. Maybe offer people a life, or ask for one? But to be honest, things DO take time. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. But it's true.
At my home group I turned up and felt like a spare part at times when I first showed up at that meeting. But after a while I heard what some of the lengths of sobriety were. Many people there had know each other for 5, 10, 15 - even 20 or more years. I wasn't going to just turn up and be as comfortable there as they were. That was a completely unrealistic expectation, and for me personally, it was really important that I dropped that expectation. As time went by I learned to approach others and join in a little. As newcomers joined I made a point of being friendly and getting to know them. Giving them my number. Meeting them for coffee and encouraging them to go to some more meetings by offering lifts. Gradually the network grew.
3 years later I have a network of people I trust and relate to more than any other time in my life, and a few of those people are close friends to boot. I feel truly blessed, but it was a good lesson in delayed gratification as well. And that's a lesson most of us As really need.
Hope you keep going back. Oops. Sorry, a bit of a slogan there hahaha. About the slogans, a lot of us (me included) find them imfuriating and confusing at first. But as we do the step work the wisdom in them starts to show through, and often there will come a time when you most need it that one of those slogans will pop in your head and save your arse. It's happened to me a few times now. Although to be honest I can still get a bit eye-rolley as I'm putting those sheets out on the table with them on. If there are any that really don't make sense to you, ask someone to explain it (someone here or at a meeting). Often people have been saying these things for so long they forget that they're sometimes counterintuitive to newcomers or people who haven't completed their step work. Actually, Slogan Busting could be a great meeting focus. With people actually sharing on how those slogans have helped them practically in their recovery. I might suggest that for my next retreat weekend.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: upstate new york
Posts: 131
I felt exactly as you do. last summer I finally made the choice to go to a meeting as trying on my own wasn't working. decades of alcohol and drug abuse had finally taken its toll on me. the people were friendly but I wouldn't say very outgoing. I did like it tho and it was helping me get thru the day without drinking. after a while I felt that many were there as more of a social club than helping the newcomer. I slowly became disgruntled and went less and less and then stopped. soon after it was just a few beers now and then. that didn't last long. it was right back to alternating liquor stores every other day because of embarresment and they didn't even no about the beer. my sobriety had lasted exactly 7 weeks. it was like a miracle to me and it was only due to aa meetings. I plan on going back next week with a different mentality. maybe it was me as someone else mentioned. I wondered often about that. I think there is something to that slogan...keep coming back. congrats on your 49 days.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 409
I know exactly what you mean! I have been in AA for 8 months and now have 1 friend my age 
! And that's still a new forming relationship. Who knows where it will go. I'd say just stick around. It does take time for people to get to know you and vice versa . Find someone you notice and want to get to know and ask them to coffee. Most likely they will say yes. I know there should be events they hold and you could always try going. Hang in there!
! And that's still a new forming relationship. Who knows where it will go. I'd say just stick around. It does take time for people to get to know you and vice versa . Find someone you notice and want to get to know and ask them to coffee. Most likely they will say yes. I know there should be events they hold and you could always try going. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Tiffany - here are a few things that helped me.
1) Trying to go to as many different meetings that I could.
This allowed me to have access to as many people as possible.
2) Showing up early and staying late.
It was much easier to meet people one-on-one before or after a meeting.
3) Suggesting things to do after a meeting.
Instead of waiting to be invited somewhere I would invite other people. A lot of times I found that other people wanted to have some fellowship too, but they didn't have anything specific planned out. At my house I host game nights after meetings whenever I can. People come over to play dominos, cards, board games, etc.
4) Leveraging friendships from sponsor and sponsee family.
I would ask my sponsor where meetings were that had a lot of people in my age group. Also, I would go to meetings with my sponsee brothers, which made it a lot easier to meet other people. My sponsee brothers could introduce me to their friends, and warn me about people to avoid.
5) Going to special purpose meetings / events.
In our area YPAA (I think it stands for Young People in AA) have social events where a lot of people in that age group get together. You may also want to check out a women's meeting.
6) Sharing during meetings
By sharing where I was it signaled to people that I was serious about my recovery, and let them get to know a little bit about me. People will sometimes talk to me about what I shared at a meeting afterwards. That is an easy way to get into a conversation and then start getting to know the other person.
I hope some of this was helpful.
1) Trying to go to as many different meetings that I could.
This allowed me to have access to as many people as possible.
2) Showing up early and staying late.
It was much easier to meet people one-on-one before or after a meeting.
3) Suggesting things to do after a meeting.
Instead of waiting to be invited somewhere I would invite other people. A lot of times I found that other people wanted to have some fellowship too, but they didn't have anything specific planned out. At my house I host game nights after meetings whenever I can. People come over to play dominos, cards, board games, etc.
4) Leveraging friendships from sponsor and sponsee family.
I would ask my sponsor where meetings were that had a lot of people in my age group. Also, I would go to meetings with my sponsee brothers, which made it a lot easier to meet other people. My sponsee brothers could introduce me to their friends, and warn me about people to avoid.
5) Going to special purpose meetings / events.
In our area YPAA (I think it stands for Young People in AA) have social events where a lot of people in that age group get together. You may also want to check out a women's meeting.
6) Sharing during meetings
By sharing where I was it signaled to people that I was serious about my recovery, and let them get to know a little bit about me. People will sometimes talk to me about what I shared at a meeting afterwards. That is an easy way to get into a conversation and then start getting to know the other person.
I hope some of this was helpful.
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