Cknopf82

I'm sad to report that I drank last night. I feel so terrible that I allowed myself to drink. I let my emotions get the best of me and I caved in. I'm pretty embarrassed posting this. I must have typed and erased these words 10 times already. I was posting about all the progress I was making and now I'm posting this. I'm disappointed in myself, I know better. So here I am once again on day 1.

SoberLeigh

Come join us in the 24 Hour Recovery Connection thread. It seems to help to post a daily commitment to sobriety. I will post a link in a minute.

SoberLeigh

As promised:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-223-a.html

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Cknopf82. Kudos to you for coming here and owning up - but remember you don't owe anyone here an explanation - most of us have been there before. As long as you are honest with yourself that is what is most important.

My recommendation anytime this happens is to go back and learn from what happened. Was your plan not strong enough? Were you not following it or spending enough time on your recovery? What could you change to make sure it doesn't happen again? All of those are questions you can ask yourself, and if you need help in any of those areas please ask.. lots of folks here can help.

SoberLeigh

Scott mentioned a plan. Here is a link to a great thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=Psst

Poppy79

Don't be ashamed, switch that thinking to pride in the fact that you acknowledge your resolve wasn't as strong as it needed to be last night (a mere few hours ago) and that you are back and trying again to kick this addiction square in its ar$e

doggonecarl

What emotions lead you to drinking?

Cknopf82

I've been battling depression and anxiety for years. Yesterday I got really down and let the sadness get the best of me. I basically just said f*** it and gave up. The past few years I've been drinking more and more in an attempt to shut off my brain. Now it is just out of control. I feel like I'm not in control of my life anymore. I know drinking is making it worse. I have to figure out how to change last night's situation for when it comes up again.

doggonecarl

Perhaps instead of self medicating, see a doctor and them treat your depression and anxiety.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Alcohol is the worst medication for both.

1. It's a CNS depressant, so it makes depression worse.
2. It causes rebound anxiety just like all sedative-hypnotics, so it makes anxiety worse.

Definitely listen to Carl's advice.

Cknopf82

I've been on meds but perhaps it is time.to try new medication or a new dosage. Between those meds and drinking I'm not making any progress. Lots of changes need to be made.

tomsteve

have you been in the meds before without drinking?

Cknopf82

On and off for many years. Something has to change. I'm feeling so lost lately.

Dee74

Try not to beat yourself up too much. Many of us faltered a time or two

Look at what happened, & why - and learn from it.

Tweak your plan, or go back to scratch and make a better one

One thing I think is vital for everyone is reach out here before you drink.

If you can't get online make a commitment not to drink until you do.

let us help you through it next time

D

PhoenixJ

ck- how can you turn that shame feeling into something that works for you?
What can you do? Small steps.

Cknopf82

Thank you everyone. As the day went on the sting of what happened lessened and I looked into the why. I was already emotional, probably as a part of the early week's symptoms. I had a tough day at work because even though I make it a point to be nice to even people I don't like, someone went out of their way to make me feel bad. I perhaps took it more personal than I should have. My h7sband sensed my anxiety and he said the words that my brain took in and turned into an excuse. He said that my anxiety was so bad and that I should have a glass of wine to feel better. I honestly think he thought I could have just one glass like a normal person. I was emotional and had the power of suggestion and chose wrong. Today we talked about it and I told him I can turn "just one beer" into a mess. I told him im.past the point of being able to have 1 drink and be done. I don't just need to cut back, I have a serious problem and have to make some major life changes. My husband drinks a lot as well. The difference between us is that when he wants to he is able to stop or cut back or whatever you want to call it. He is still in control. I have become powerless to the drink and have to work hard for a better life for me and my family. Thank you for all the support. I have more thinking to do to figure out how to help myself next time. Sorry if I'm rambling, my mind is processing a lot. I check in here each day and I need to remember to check in when I feel like I'm going to drink. This forum is amazing and I'm thankful for everyone.

LoveHateMerlot

Welcome to your last first day ��

Cknopf82

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate being able to come here for support. This place is priceless to me. I keep having this thought about getting a blank journal and writing down my thoughts each day. It comes up enough that I'm going to go with it and get a journal. Perhaps that will help me and to read it all and see my journey will be good for me.

Done4today

I have a journal. My first 6 months are barely coherent ramblings. It helped me to do steps 4 and 8 also. Never give up Cknopf82, you'll get it as long as you don't give up on yourself. You're worth it.

Grymt

Cknopf82, what is missing for you is an established habit pattern with regards to reactions to sensations that may at any time, for whatever reason, rise in to your consciousness.

These sensations may be pleasant. They may be unpleasant. They may be neutral.

In this instance you experienced unpleasant sensations and you reacted with an old habit pattern of denying them or rejecting them or running away from them. Let's say you reacted with aversion. You are averse to these sensations.

You want to react against these sensations so you welcome ways to do so.

What I suggest is that you don't reject, or crave for, these sensations. You simply recognise they are there and say to yourself "let me see how long these sensations last" and continue to carry out whatever task you have to do in any moment.

You will find that as you become proficient in dealing with these, or any unpleasant sensations for whtever reason, in this way they lessen in intensity and duration until you seem to shrug them off as they happen and the need to pick up on order to cope disappears.

The technique used to practice this equanimous mindfulness is 'awareness of in and out breathing' or ana-pana sati as taught by the Buddha.

Here is a short introduction:



to sit a free ten day course to learn this technique and the allied technique of vipassana or 'to see things as they really are' in depth look up schedule here : dhamma.org