taplow

On my 6th day sober and all afternoon I've been attacking myself. Enemies within, you know. I knew logically why I shouldn't drink. I knew that despite all the reasoning that I won't magically be any stronger tomorrow than I am today. If I have to drink today I'll certainly have to tomorrow. I put all of my future out of my mind. All I could think about was this evening. In the end I gave in. Such a feeling of relief.
"Normal" people out there might think people like us are just weak or irresponsible. But it was unbearable. I know it's all downhill of course.
I realise that I've got to work at this and painfully and slowly build a sober life. I can't just arrive as a fully formed sober citizen.
I hope I can start again soon.

kevlarsjal

Sorry to hear that you drank taplow. Maybe don't wait until "soon" to start again but do it now? It won't get easier if you wait.


I had been craving a bottle of wine this evening and as I was reading your post I thought I'm not even craving the taste or the effect of alcohol. I'm just craving that feeling of relief. Total craziness. And cause normal drinkers don't get that feeling when they drink they're not able to understand.

doggonecarl

If you are going to use SR for support, perhaps posting before you take the drink?

As you said in your replies to your previous posts, you don't have a plan, you aren't changing your life to support the decision to get sober. Drinking shouldn't be a surprise.

Grymt

When the alcoholism really had set in for me the only way I could start to break the pattern of giving in was to be in a place where I could not like rehab.

taplow

Kevlarsjal, yes it's all about relief. Carl, yes you're right, now is too late to post. All afternoon I could have come on here but I spent it arguing with myself. No I don't have a plan or a life change. I'm an amateur.
Grymt, I don't quite understand what you mean.

SnazzyDresser

I can understand that feeling of relief when you've been thinking about alcohol all day, debating it with yourself, wearing yourself out, and then giving in to it and drinking. I've been there, for sure.

There's a better kind of relief that I've also experienced that's much more satisfying and longer lasting. That's the relief you get when you refuse to debate alcohol with yourself, when you decide that you're not gonna drink today no matter what and instead explore some of the great non-drinking options that life affords us.

Outonthetiles

that's what I see in the OP too, snazzy...bargaining. You can't negotiate or bargain with AV.. We just have to make a conscious decision that drinking is OUT OF THE QUESTION. It has to be like... would you run across six lanes of freeway traffic blindfolded? No. Would you drink alcohol? No.

Grymt

What I mean is that when the alcoholism had gotten so bad that every day I tried to give up the booze.

By the late afternoong the craving became so much it seemed only relieved by giving in.

In fact simply giving in gave me relief. Actually getting and drinking the booze came a bit later. Just stopping fighting was a relief.

By that time the only start to breaking the pattern of giving in came when I found myself in places where I had absolutely no access to alcohol like rehab.

taplow

Yes Snazzydresser, that's what I usually do. But it just kept coming back at me.

I don't think I'm part of this. I feel like I'm an intruder here. I don't know the rules, the procedures.
I can't believe that I'm not even qualified to be an alcoholic.

VigilanceNow

I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I've been there many times. I know that feeling of panic as I'm debating it with myself, and that wretched relief when you down a bit. But you could make a different decision! You could dump it out, whatever it is. Don't consider the day a wash just because you gave in this time. I can't tell you how many times I found a bottle I had hidden and simply couldn't bear to not indulge. Well I've pretty much always regretted not dumping it and going to a meeting instead. It won't get easier if you continue.

Tronics

Taplow, dont beat yourself up. Dust yourself off and start again right now! To stay sober is not an easy thing to do for most of us here, its actually pritty ******* hard. And the level og comittment required to follow through in the long run is a lot!

First off, you need to want to quit. You need to want to make a better life for yourself. Those are the only building blocks i can imagine, but they are rock solid building blocks if you want it to be

taplow

Grymt, yes I see, I understand. I misunderstood your first post. You need to be physically incapable of getting to drink.
When I stopped before it was only after being in hospital for a month.
Maybe that's where I am now.

Tronics

By the way, you are not an idiot and you are not an intruder. You are a human looking for help, just like the rest of us

kevlarsjal

What do you mean by not being qualified to be an alcoholic?

Unfortunately there's no golden rule or procedure on how to stay sober other than the simple (but not easy) one of not picking up that first drink. If you want to find out more on how to achieve that you can keep reading on here, there's a ton of good advice on this site. It's really not that hard to make a recovery plan, even I managed to make myself one. I think it's essential though if you really want to stop drinking and stay stopped. Go give it a try

VigilanceNow

Taplow, we've all been there. It's hard to break the cycle! If you get all the way drunk, you will regret it tomorrow and possibly drink again to feel better. It's never too late!

VigilanceNow

Right now, write something about how you felt right before you picked up. Then write some alternative things to do

taplow

VigilanceNow. I've only drank a little.
Despite all the sense, maybe I just won't be told. I don't know.

taplow

Sorry there's a world of crossed posts.

taplow

I felt great because I'd given in. It was sheer relief. A complete cessation of hostilities.
I don't have many alternatives.

taplow

So you find it quite then easy then?