kevlarsjal

Taplow, some things that helped me to come up with a plan:

I analysed the triggers for my drinking, all the different situations / feelings that made me want to drink. Then I wrote down why I felt like I needed a drink and then I tried to come up with alternatives to drinking.

An example:
Trigger: feeling stressed
Why: helps me to relax
Alternative: have a cup of tea, take a bath, try meditation,...

Trigger: being confronted with emotions
Why: to numb myself
Alternative: journaling, accepting emotions are part of being human, learning to deal with them and remembering that alcohol won't make the emotions go away

Trigger: feeling bored
Why: to kill time
Alternative: find new or rediscover old hobbies and interests

Trigger: social situations where people drink
Why: to be part of it, not wanting to miss out on it
Alternative: have nice alcohol free drinks, maybe have another treat (chocolates or whatever to snack on), make sure I can leave whenever it gets too exhausting, don't attend if I don't feel like I can handle it that day and suggest meeting another time in a less boozy environment

That list was much longer but I don't want to write it all down here, just to give you an idea what a plan could consist of

Then I also came up with things that help me through my cravings (making sure I eat and drink enough water, get enough sleep, avoid places where I'm likely confronted with alcohol, posting/reading on here when I feel like drinking) and I also wrote down all the reasons why I wanted to be sober and carried that list around with me all the time so I could read it when I couldn't remember.

I also started a therapy to work on the underlying issues.


I was struggling with ambivalence too. Always questioning why part of me really didn't wanna give up drinking. Then I read a bit about the addictive voice. And it made sense to me.
I don't want to drink. And that what feels like the part of me who wants to drink isn't really me thinking/speaking, it's the addiction. It's like a virus. It tricks our brains. So I realised that I was 100% sure I wanted to stop drinking. But my addiction wanted to continue of course. And to me the best solution to that is, to stop bargaining with the addiction. Drinking is no longer considered an alternative. It actually helped me to think of it as the 'beast' and giving in when I had a craving would only feed it, make it stronger and make me weaker. So by not feeding it ever again I hope it will eventually starve.

doggonecarl

There isn't a person here on SR with significant sober time who hasn't faced the same temptations, the same obsession to drink, the same mental battles as you.

When you sober up, read kevlarsjal's post a couple times. That's how you get through the battle. A goal, a plan to accomplish it, and ACTION.

taplow

Thank you kevlarsjal, that makes a lot of sense. You clarify it very well. I need it spelt out simply. For instance during a sober period, when I'm at work there will be a decision made at some point during the day - I think I'll drink later on. So put something else good to do in place. Wow, indulgence, brilliant.
I'm bored, don't know what to do, that's my major problem. I'll have to find a life. It's got to be, hasn't it? I do drink to fill in the time. You've made me see about the plan. There's no way beyond this without a lifechange. How much do I want it? I see that. Whether I see that tomorrow is a different matter. The thing is I do know what you mean. I can't just fill in all those stupid, pointless, wasted, drunken hours with nothing. I can't just lie on the sofa when I'm sober.
And yes, as you say, everytime I give in and drink I'm making the beast even stronger. I'm not just putting it off the same battle but I'm giving myself an even harder fight.

doggonecarl, thank you. I'll make sure that I'll come to you first when I next want to be patronised.

dwtbd

At some point we all have to decide that our 'alcoholism' can no longer be a good enough reason to continue to drink.

taplow

What does that mean? Are you saying alcoholism is some kind of lifestyle choice?

dwtbd

It seems to me from your posts that you acknowledge that you "are an alcoholic" and that is why you continue to drink. If you want to quit , you are going to have to find a way to get beyond that reason.
Learning about RR/AVRT( great threads on those ideas here on SR in the Secular Connections forum) , helped me to dismiss that idea.

ScottFromWI

He's actually saying the opposite. The condition of alcoholism cannot be changed, but we have a choice to seek help and recovery. The proof is in the stories read here and all the other recovery communities around the world.

You can decide if you want to quit drinking and live a sober life. It's far more work than that of course, but the decision to do it can only be made by you. And it is a necessary first step regardless of how you decide to go about it from there.

taplow

I think you're both wrong there. I don't think that just because I was definded as an alcoholic that I'd feel compelled to act like one.
I just want to stop. I don't want to have to qualify for exams to get in here or anything.
I don't understand again. Do I have to go away and train to come back as a fully qualified alcoholic so that you'll accept me.
Don't be so silly. Ridiculous.

CreativeThinker

For me, I really wanted to change my life and rid myself from the BS life I was living. One that was full of shame, self hatred, defensiveness towards others, refusing to accept responsibility for the hell I was living, blaming people, places and things...the negative list that goes on and on. I was determined to not let this disease continue to control my life. And I was prepared to do ANYTHING to not relapse again. I made the choice to change, be open to a new way of living and remain humble.

Will I be sober next year at this time? I haven't a clue. All I know is that I will be sober today.

taplow

Thank you, this is great. Other than it taking a lot of willpower, it must have taken a lot of insight. It must have been so hard to recognise the problems in yourself and then overturn them.
Congratulations.

ScottFromWI

You are missing the point completely. There is no qualification for anyone to be here. Whether or not you are an alcoholic and whether or not you need to seek recovery is 100% your choice. Help is here if you would like it. And I'm not being even the slightest bit silly - it can literally be a life or death decision for many who come here.

taplow

I miss the point, yes I miss the point. I've made my choice. We've gone through all the choice stuff. It just doesn't work for me. It works for you but it doesn't work for me.
It doesn't matter. I'm not going to waste your time. I'm not going to waste your time.

CreativeThinker

Willpower, yes! Especially the first few days. Being only a few hours, days in, made it a challenge for me because my AV would say "Give in, start tomorrow, it's only been X days, just drink tonight..." Willpower and staying glued to SR posts, knowing that I wasn't alone, not getting past the day I was in and committing to just not drink today and recognizing mistakes I made in all of my previous attempts to get the monkey off my back for good has helped.

Insight is coming from learning from people just like me: here on SR, books (including BB), family members who found recovery, multiple relapses over the years...

Recognition of the problem? I think I knew, long before I first tried to stop drinking that I had a problem with alcohol. It wasn't until I began to experience negative consequences and tried to stop drinking that I knew I was an alcoholic.

Taplow, like you, I'd LOVE to be able to keep drinking. But I've accepted that if I want to have a long life that is meaningful, I cannot drink today. Is this easy? Not at all. There hasn't been one day within the last 30 that I haven't thought about having a drink. From what I've learned thus far, eventually those thoughts will become fewer and fewer. For now, I'm using the tools/a plan that work for me and doing anything and everything to not slip back into another relapse.

ThatWasTheOldMe

It's quite literally one day at a time.

Keep a journal of all the positives of "just not drinking." Don't worry about the recovery community buzz words or rules for your sobriety. Just keep notes of the positives of "just not drinking." As your head clears up, start reading recovery literature. Take a look at where your life is. Do you have a job? Do you want a job? Do you want a better job?

Try some AA meetings but keep your wits about you. Most are sincere, but sick people are sick people. If someone has issues with alcohol, a natural replacement for alcohol is another PERSON. I know, because I tried it. Several times. It leads to pain, suffering, and relapse.

Post on SR before you drink. Read all of SR. You can read every single thread completely anonymously.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Here is my positives list for "just not drinking:"

1. On my worst day, I stagnate rather than going backwards.
2. I'm never hungover.
3. I'm never withdrawing.
4. I waste money on FOOD rather than booze.
5. No hospital trips.
6. I can search for jobs.
7. I make better decisions.
8. I am aware of my finances.
9. I can drive anywhere at any time.
10. I remember everything I did last night.
11. I don't lose out on career opportunities due to withdrawal anxiety and shakes.
12. I don't make an idiot out of myself unknowingly. I still make an idiot out of myself, but I'm generally aware of it :p
13. I don't get suicidal.
14. I don't post sensitive information on social media.
15. My family doesn't want to disown me.

That's just off the top of my head. And that's without working an official program of recovery. That's taking it one day at a time and utilizing the resources on SR and my friends that know I can't touch alcohol.

Steely

Yes taplow, sometimes it is as simple as wearing a clean nightie because it makes me feel better about myself. Little things mean a lot now.

Thought you might be interested in reading Prokashka and DiClementes's "Stages and Processes of Change". It's pretty dated, but worth a read.

It talks about the Stages (8 according to these guys, I think) we go through before making a final decision to stop. It also talks about the processes involved, and this does involve a plan. A plan to put other things in place of alcohol, and develop a real life.

It's what I want for myself taplow, as I got tired of wearing the same old nightie.

soberlicious

taplow,
First off, hi there Glad you are here.

The battle between those two "parts" of you, the one that wants to quit and the one that wants to drink at all costs, is the definition of addiction. All of us have experienced that battle. It is grueling to fight. A daily all-out battle is not sustainable, as we all wear out and give in. Daily drinking is not sustainable either, for eventually we pay dearly, in small and very big ways alike. Remember that the part of us that wants to drink will take our life without a second thought.

What if there was a different approach other than fighting and willpower? What if there was a way to turn the tables and keep the sane part of ourselves in charge? There is a specific technique called the Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) that has allowed many of us to do just that and break free. It is a way to recognize and separate from the "Addictive Voice" without fighting it. There are lots of threads here in the secular connections section here at SR. There is also a book and lots of information on the internet. No big life change necessary, no elaborate growth plan...those things can come later if you wish. The priority now is to stop the cycle of addiction and quit drinking for good. This method worked for me in doing that.

soberlicious

taplow, I wanted to add (but missed the edit window), you are absolutely not an idiot. You are quite capable. You can do this, even though I know that voice inside you says it's not possible. That voice is lying to you. Creating doubt is a favorite tactic for the AV.

As one of our wise members here says, "I have full faith in your own capacity to recover, even if you do not."

Dee74

Acceptance worked a lot better than willpower for me.
Illogical or not part of my will wanted to drink.

Accepting that my relationship with alcohol was a toxic one, and always will be, helped change my reactions when I felt the desire to drink.

D

MIRecovery

When we put the effort into staying sober that we put into being a drunk we have a pretty good chance of getting and staying sober