Books instead of booze :)
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
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Books instead of booze :)
It's been a while since I've been here, been bingeing for almost two years, with only one or two weeks sober in between, at most. Lately I was about to give up on everything, I kept having flashbacks to past abuse, along with all the stupid things I did to myself and others while trying to escape that past, it was almost too much to take so I just kept reaching out to what I called my only friend... William Lawsons. Then, two weeks ago I had a particularly painful flashback when I was in the shower, and I was actually done with me, it was so dark and humiliating to relive, until I realised something. The person who did this to me, he loathes me so much, has done so all my life, and he really is the only one who would directly benefit from, and might actually be happy with, my giving up.
Something woke up inside of me, right then and there. It took a couple more days though, but the flame inside me that had been fading for so long, got some fresh air and incited. I took a day to say goodbye to my long time "friend" and am now on day 6!
Used to be that, no matter what I did, I could never feel proud of myself (thanks mom!), but today, I really am, yet I know this is just the beginning of my new life. Had a wonderful day yesterday, exercised, soaked up the sun, shopped for, and ate, healthy food, did some farmwork with my dad, and my little dog was so funny and brilliant I almost peed myself laughing, which had been longer ago than I can remember....
Spent some time with my ponies and found I was eager to finally get to work with them. So once I got home, I went online to look for some books to help me with the training, and I sighed because they were soooo expensive. Weird, I thought, it's 60 bucks for two beautiful books that could benefit me and my sweethearts greatly, yet I never seemed to have a problem spending that money on my own destruction. While I'm rather poor, I would spend 20 bucks nearly every other day on a binge, it's ridiculous! So I closed my eyes and clicked the order button.
I felt amazing! For the first time in months I slept without nightmares and woke up bright and early, the first book will arrive today already and I can't wait to see what I can do.
So things feel different from all my other day ones, I think I read this one in someones signature on this forum, I am ready to let go of this fear:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I came back here because I want to hold on to this feeling and never let it go.
Something woke up inside of me, right then and there. It took a couple more days though, but the flame inside me that had been fading for so long, got some fresh air and incited. I took a day to say goodbye to my long time "friend" and am now on day 6!
Used to be that, no matter what I did, I could never feel proud of myself (thanks mom!), but today, I really am, yet I know this is just the beginning of my new life. Had a wonderful day yesterday, exercised, soaked up the sun, shopped for, and ate, healthy food, did some farmwork with my dad, and my little dog was so funny and brilliant I almost peed myself laughing, which had been longer ago than I can remember....
Spent some time with my ponies and found I was eager to finally get to work with them. So once I got home, I went online to look for some books to help me with the training, and I sighed because they were soooo expensive. Weird, I thought, it's 60 bucks for two beautiful books that could benefit me and my sweethearts greatly, yet I never seemed to have a problem spending that money on my own destruction. While I'm rather poor, I would spend 20 bucks nearly every other day on a binge, it's ridiculous! So I closed my eyes and clicked the order button.
I felt amazing! For the first time in months I slept without nightmares and woke up bright and early, the first book will arrive today already and I can't wait to see what I can do.
So things feel different from all my other day ones, I think I read this one in someones signature on this forum, I am ready to let go of this fear:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I came back here because I want to hold on to this feeling and never let it go.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Thanks so much!
Actually things are so good that I'm a bit worried that I'm on cloud nine, just waiting to fall off. Life will catch up to me and I hope I can handle it this time.
For example, I'm seeing my mom tonight for the first time in over a month. It has been good for me, keeping a distance, but she just doesn't understand and will not see how much she hurts me a lot of the time, so she won't change. Luckily I can change and maybe I can keep in the back of my mind that's her, and not me.
Actually things are so good that I'm a bit worried that I'm on cloud nine, just waiting to fall off. Life will catch up to me and I hope I can handle it this time.
For example, I'm seeing my mom tonight for the first time in over a month. It has been good for me, keeping a distance, but she just doesn't understand and will not see how much she hurts me a lot of the time, so she won't change. Luckily I can change and maybe I can keep in the back of my mind that's her, and not me.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Welcome back Eienne! Congratulations on day 6! You sound totally committed and ready to fight the fight.
I know what you mean about "feeling different this time". That's how I felt too. Something clicked that I missed during the countless other times I made attempts at recovery.
I know what you mean about "feeling different this time". That's how I felt too. Something clicked that I missed during the countless other times I made attempts at recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Thanks RetiredGuy!
CreativeThinker, it's funny isn't it? Although I thought I felt the same way with some of my earlier attempts, wasn't really ready I guess. We'll k.o. this addiction
Just got back from my parents, went badly as I expected. Mother didn't even ask how I had been, well she barely looked at me really, she always feels so cold. Yet she blames me, because of my drinking, but I remember how she always was like this, and how mean and spiteful she was since I was just a little girl. She just confabulated a completely different history. Hurts like hell and I would gladly cut off all contact if it weren't for my dad.
But now I'm home safe, sweet dog in my lap. Overall it was still a good day, more sun, more ponies, been working on my car, I crashed it myself so I'm fixing it myself! Dad helped me some with a stuck bolt in a tough corner but I did most of it myself.
My book arrived so I'll call it a night early today and crawl under the blankets with a good read. When I feel bad I like to read my books about gnomes so those are by my bed as well, no doubt I'll be ready for day 7!
CreativeThinker, it's funny isn't it? Although I thought I felt the same way with some of my earlier attempts, wasn't really ready I guess. We'll k.o. this addiction
Just got back from my parents, went badly as I expected. Mother didn't even ask how I had been, well she barely looked at me really, she always feels so cold. Yet she blames me, because of my drinking, but I remember how she always was like this, and how mean and spiteful she was since I was just a little girl. She just confabulated a completely different history. Hurts like hell and I would gladly cut off all contact if it weren't for my dad.
But now I'm home safe, sweet dog in my lap. Overall it was still a good day, more sun, more ponies, been working on my car, I crashed it myself so I'm fixing it myself! Dad helped me some with a stuck bolt in a tough corner but I did most of it myself.
My book arrived so I'll call it a night early today and crawl under the blankets with a good read. When I feel bad I like to read my books about gnomes so those are by my bed as well, no doubt I'll be ready for day 7!
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Evienne, good to see you! I hope things go well with your mother, but be prepared to remember what you said, that it's her and not you. I had a mother like that, too and I had to step away from her. You are the most important person in your recovery. 
And, I love your quote from Marianne Williamson. She is one of my favourite people.
And, I love your quote from Marianne Williamson. She is one of my favourite people.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Evienne 
CreativeThinker, it's funny isn't it? Although I thought I felt the same way with some of my earlier attempts, wasn't really ready I guess. We'll k.o. this addiction
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Hi Anna, thanks for the kind words. I think I learned of this quote because of your signature! It's beautiful.
I had a really weird and somewhat nasty dream again last night, mother was in it and I'm amazed how much her behavior impacts me every single time. Why does she do this? She makes me feel so small, insignificant, and stupid. Twisting my words and altering history so I'm always wrong.
I know it's her... Not me... And she'll never change, but I am changing. Maybe if I keep repeating this it'll stick :P
Unfortunately I need to go to my parents again today, to finish working on my car, but I think I'll stay outside and not talk to her. Funny how I always feel guilty for doing that, yet she never bats an eye for making me feel like the worst person in the world.
I had a really weird and somewhat nasty dream again last night, mother was in it and I'm amazed how much her behavior impacts me every single time. Why does she do this? She makes me feel so small, insignificant, and stupid. Twisting my words and altering history so I'm always wrong.
I know it's her... Not me... And she'll never change, but I am changing. Maybe if I keep repeating this it'll stick :P
Unfortunately I need to go to my parents again today, to finish working on my car, but I think I'll stay outside and not talk to her. Funny how I always feel guilty for doing that, yet she never bats an eye for making me feel like the worst person in the world.
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