Heartbroken and worried for Ex
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Heartbroken and worried for Ex
Hello,
I'm new to this site and coming for some support and insight. Thank you to everyone in advance! I'm sorry if this gets long! I was in a relationship with a kind and wonderful man for about 6+ years. We met in college and were planning on getting married until we broke up this past fall. I love him very much and i'm heartbroken
.
My ex and I both drank in college, but I would consider it to be the typical amount. After college he drank more than I did, with him occasionally taking things too far. We lived apart from one another, and he lived with a group of guys that liked to party. About 3-4 years ago, he got so drunk on his birthday we almost took him to the hospital. There was also another incident that same year that scared me so much. His father is a recovered alcoholic, so I was always concerned for him. After the two incidents within the same year, I started to slowly exhibit codependent habits as his drinking progressed - asking if he drank to much, trying to regulate his drinks etc... I now realize too late (post break up) that it wasn't helping.
We were doing really well in the first half of 2015, his drinking appeared to be under control. We were looking at rings, and were both really happy. He really adored me and even asked my dad if he could marry me. He made an appointment with the dentist, doctor, started working out- I was thrilled! Then, out of nowhere he had a breakdown, calling his family saying he was an alcoholic. I, unfortunately, at the time, was in denial and shock. We talked about it and agreed he had a struggle with it, but didn't think he was an alcoholic. I wish I could go back in time now and agree with him that he was.
Since that point forward for the next year and a half of our relationship, he was different. He seemed like a roller coaster ride with every few months having some depressive or emotional episodes. He started to get distant and not the same happy guy I once knew. I noticed his drinking got much worse, and, my codependent habits were ramping up. He was also struggling with people pleasing habits. He started saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married to anyone and maybe just wanted to be a bachelor.
Our relationship went really downhill. He was drinking more and more, and he was lying to me about it. He started to experience bad anxiety, insomnia, and sweats. His work got very busy and I had a house renovation project, so we barely saw one another. I noticed he started to pick fights with me and be passive aggressive. He made comments many times telling me that he didn't want to be like this, and he didn't want to one day be in AA and tell the story where he lost the love of his life. But it was like he would go in phases in believing if he really had a problem or not. At one point he got so drunk that when I showed up at his house at 5 pm the next day he was still buzzed. I said I was leaving unless he started to see someone for help. He started to see a counselor specializing in addiction which was good. But things got worse from there.
Our break up came not long after that. He suddenly told me he may have made out (or did more) with his female friend one night a year before, but he couldn't remember because he was black out drunk. He told me some other things also that he kept from me. He kept spending a ton of money carelessly. I decided to break up with him at this point. I wanted to try and push him to get his life together. It was very sad. Looking back I now realize he actually was kind of hoping we would break up. But during our break up he said he wouldn't loose the love of his life and he would maybe join AA and then come back to me.
We tried to work things out the months since our break up. He got very depressed though and was finding all these faults with me and our relationship. Instead of the issues being about his drinking he started saying how I wasn't right for him and he wanted me to be happy with someone else. He then proceeded to say a girl with a different personality would be better for him. He even made jabs about silly things about me. It almost seemed like he was trying to justify why we couldn't work out. He decided he wasn't a candidate for AA nor did he want to attend group therapy.
During the break up I did hang out with him and noticed he had dry skin, restless legs, and hand shakes. He still has them to this day! (we text occasionally). At one point he said he feels like he is stuck in a cage of issues (including alcohol) and he is having trouble letting me go, but I am free to leave and he is just holding too hard onto me.
We called it off for good because he started talking to a new girl (much younger, carefree and completely opposite of me). He was sincerely sad about ending things with me. He said he loves me so much, but can't help to be resentful and doesn't think it can work out (I think from the codependent habits).
I know it is probably for the best since he has issues, but I am so sad because I stuck by his side through it all and just wanted the best for him. I love him so much. He is truly a good person and I believe alcohol changed him. He doesn't seem like the guy I feel in love with. My whole family is shocked about how this turned out - It is like he did a 360.
He claims he is now doing well with his alcohol and maintaining control. He is happy because the new girl and him do not have a bad past and she "accepts him for who he is" and knows he has alcohol issues but doesn't mind. I know they drink most of the times they hang out.
I'm sad because we are still in contact and when I found out he had to drink to have steady hands for work the other day, I called him out on it and said he couldn't be doing that good if he had that occurring. He says i'm like his mother and I need to not worry so much. He said he is doing just fine.
I sincerely believe he is on a bad path and even though he is doing better for now, I'm sure it will resurface. He seems to be in denial at the moment. I know I can't do anything about it. I'm just looking for support. It hurts so bad to be the resented one when I love him so much. I just wanted to help. Now his friends and the new girl make him feel good and don't say much about his issue. I feel like the bad guy and I just wanted us to have a happy life together.
Thank you!!
I'm new to this site and coming for some support and insight. Thank you to everyone in advance! I'm sorry if this gets long! I was in a relationship with a kind and wonderful man for about 6+ years. We met in college and were planning on getting married until we broke up this past fall. I love him very much and i'm heartbroken
.My ex and I both drank in college, but I would consider it to be the typical amount. After college he drank more than I did, with him occasionally taking things too far. We lived apart from one another, and he lived with a group of guys that liked to party. About 3-4 years ago, he got so drunk on his birthday we almost took him to the hospital. There was also another incident that same year that scared me so much. His father is a recovered alcoholic, so I was always concerned for him. After the two incidents within the same year, I started to slowly exhibit codependent habits as his drinking progressed - asking if he drank to much, trying to regulate his drinks etc... I now realize too late (post break up) that it wasn't helping.
We were doing really well in the first half of 2015, his drinking appeared to be under control. We were looking at rings, and were both really happy. He really adored me and even asked my dad if he could marry me. He made an appointment with the dentist, doctor, started working out- I was thrilled! Then, out of nowhere he had a breakdown, calling his family saying he was an alcoholic. I, unfortunately, at the time, was in denial and shock. We talked about it and agreed he had a struggle with it, but didn't think he was an alcoholic. I wish I could go back in time now and agree with him that he was.
Since that point forward for the next year and a half of our relationship, he was different. He seemed like a roller coaster ride with every few months having some depressive or emotional episodes. He started to get distant and not the same happy guy I once knew. I noticed his drinking got much worse, and, my codependent habits were ramping up. He was also struggling with people pleasing habits. He started saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married to anyone and maybe just wanted to be a bachelor.
Our relationship went really downhill. He was drinking more and more, and he was lying to me about it. He started to experience bad anxiety, insomnia, and sweats. His work got very busy and I had a house renovation project, so we barely saw one another. I noticed he started to pick fights with me and be passive aggressive. He made comments many times telling me that he didn't want to be like this, and he didn't want to one day be in AA and tell the story where he lost the love of his life. But it was like he would go in phases in believing if he really had a problem or not. At one point he got so drunk that when I showed up at his house at 5 pm the next day he was still buzzed. I said I was leaving unless he started to see someone for help. He started to see a counselor specializing in addiction which was good. But things got worse from there.
Our break up came not long after that. He suddenly told me he may have made out (or did more) with his female friend one night a year before, but he couldn't remember because he was black out drunk. He told me some other things also that he kept from me. He kept spending a ton of money carelessly. I decided to break up with him at this point. I wanted to try and push him to get his life together. It was very sad. Looking back I now realize he actually was kind of hoping we would break up. But during our break up he said he wouldn't loose the love of his life and he would maybe join AA and then come back to me.
We tried to work things out the months since our break up. He got very depressed though and was finding all these faults with me and our relationship. Instead of the issues being about his drinking he started saying how I wasn't right for him and he wanted me to be happy with someone else. He then proceeded to say a girl with a different personality would be better for him. He even made jabs about silly things about me. It almost seemed like he was trying to justify why we couldn't work out. He decided he wasn't a candidate for AA nor did he want to attend group therapy.
During the break up I did hang out with him and noticed he had dry skin, restless legs, and hand shakes. He still has them to this day! (we text occasionally). At one point he said he feels like he is stuck in a cage of issues (including alcohol) and he is having trouble letting me go, but I am free to leave and he is just holding too hard onto me.
We called it off for good because he started talking to a new girl (much younger, carefree and completely opposite of me). He was sincerely sad about ending things with me. He said he loves me so much, but can't help to be resentful and doesn't think it can work out (I think from the codependent habits).
I know it is probably for the best since he has issues, but I am so sad because I stuck by his side through it all and just wanted the best for him. I love him so much. He is truly a good person and I believe alcohol changed him. He doesn't seem like the guy I feel in love with. My whole family is shocked about how this turned out - It is like he did a 360.
He claims he is now doing well with his alcohol and maintaining control. He is happy because the new girl and him do not have a bad past and she "accepts him for who he is" and knows he has alcohol issues but doesn't mind. I know they drink most of the times they hang out.
I'm sad because we are still in contact and when I found out he had to drink to have steady hands for work the other day, I called him out on it and said he couldn't be doing that good if he had that occurring. He says i'm like his mother and I need to not worry so much. He said he is doing just fine.
I sincerely believe he is on a bad path and even though he is doing better for now, I'm sure it will resurface. He seems to be in denial at the moment. I know I can't do anything about it. I'm just looking for support. It hurts so bad to be the resented one when I love him so much
. I just wanted to help. Now his friends and the new girl make him feel good and don't say much about his issue. I feel like the bad guy and I just wanted us to have a happy life together.Thank you!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Lilly, welcome. Addiction sucks and does not tolerate any others existing in it's domain- except those who enable that addiction. My empathy and support to you. Perhaps it is time to 'cut your losses' and move on? As in no contact. This guy has not changed, but has done a classic
'geographical'. Literally when an alcie moves jobs or towns or houses to make a fresh start from a damaged past- like me. The addiction follows. Such a geographical can also be emotional- such as in relationships. It is good you are out of that horrible cycle that orbits addiction. Do you have on the ground support? SR is very good- there are dedicated threads. A brave post. Keep posting, sharing. PJ
'geographical'. Literally when an alcie moves jobs or towns or houses to make a fresh start from a damaged past- like me. The addiction follows. Such a geographical can also be emotional- such as in relationships. It is good you are out of that horrible cycle that orbits addiction. Do you have on the ground support? SR is very good- there are dedicated threads. A brave post. Keep posting, sharing. PJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,597
I went through the flip side of this same experience, and yes, people should have been worried about me, but I don't think I would have gotten help until I was ready. Without going into too much gory detail, I effed up a relationship to the extent that I am on the verge of tears whenever I think about it. I became extremely depressed and drank for three years. I still can't believe how bad off I was. I expected to die and was heading patiently toward that goal.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, CallaLily. Welcome to SR. I am sorry for your sadness and trouble.
I confess I winced a little as I read your story, because, though it is unique to you and so very sad, it is a textbook example of alcohol dependency and the wreckage it causes.
If you read a bit around the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum, you will read many postings similar to yours. Meet a good man (or woman. But..it's mostly men). fall in love and plan a life together, then the cracks appear. Overdrinking, lying about it, blaming the partner for pushing back on the drinking, splitting up, the drinker finds a new relationship and, on the surface, a sunny, carefree life.
The former partner, in the meantime, is left broken hearted and wondering what went wrong, and how he/she could have done things differently for a different outcome.
There is nothing you could have done that would have changed your SO's drinking trajectory. He is an addict, I believe, from your post. And that is what addicts do.
They drink, they get mad at anyone who is potentially a hindrance to their drinking, and jettison that partner for someone who helps them drink or drinks with them.
Though it may not seem so now, you have been given a great gift. Life without an alcoholic in it. Enjoy it, cherish it, and thank whatever god you pray to for your narrow escape.
I confess I winced a little as I read your story, because, though it is unique to you and so very sad, it is a textbook example of alcohol dependency and the wreckage it causes.
If you read a bit around the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum, you will read many postings similar to yours. Meet a good man (or woman. But..it's mostly men). fall in love and plan a life together, then the cracks appear. Overdrinking, lying about it, blaming the partner for pushing back on the drinking, splitting up, the drinker finds a new relationship and, on the surface, a sunny, carefree life.
The former partner, in the meantime, is left broken hearted and wondering what went wrong, and how he/she could have done things differently for a different outcome.
There is nothing you could have done that would have changed your SO's drinking trajectory. He is an addict, I believe, from your post. And that is what addicts do.
They drink, they get mad at anyone who is potentially a hindrance to their drinking, and jettison that partner for someone who helps them drink or drinks with them.
Though it may not seem so now, you have been given a great gift. Life without an alcoholic in it. Enjoy it, cherish it, and thank whatever god you pray to for your narrow escape.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi CallaLilly,
I related so much to your story. I was on the other side of that - I ruined a great relationship with my drinking, the boyfriend I thought I was going to marry. But that truly is the classic example of alcoholic progression.... You can't hold yourself responsible in any way. It is a disease that baffles even the smartest people and touches all level of society. It's been said a million times, but it's true - he has to get sober for himself and his own health.
In my case, I couldn't stop myself. It completely destroyed the dynamic of our relationship; any time we got into an argument, he threw the drinking in my face and I would be silenced. It sounds like that's similar to your case. You can still support his sobriety if he chooses to pursue it, but otherwise I think it's best to cut it. I'm sorry :-( I hope things get better
I related so much to your story. I was on the other side of that - I ruined a great relationship with my drinking, the boyfriend I thought I was going to marry. But that truly is the classic example of alcoholic progression.... You can't hold yourself responsible in any way. It is a disease that baffles even the smartest people and touches all level of society. It's been said a million times, but it's true - he has to get sober for himself and his own health.
In my case, I couldn't stop myself. It completely destroyed the dynamic of our relationship; any time we got into an argument, he threw the drinking in my face and I would be silenced. It sounds like that's similar to your case. You can still support his sobriety if he chooses to pursue it, but otherwise I think it's best to cut it. I'm sorry :-( I hope things get better
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
