How can it be recovery if it's not being sober?
Hi and welcome alwaysconflicted
I didn't know what to expect when I rocked up here either -but it was a relief to find people who understood the nature of the void in me I was always trying to fill with 'stuff', and the illogical nature of addiction and the pull towards self sabotage.
It didn't happen overnight but SR helped me turn my life around and gave me back a little hope.
I hope you'll decide to stick around too
D
I didn't know what to expect when I rocked up here either -but it was a relief to find people who understood the nature of the void in me I was always trying to fill with 'stuff', and the illogical nature of addiction and the pull towards self sabotage.
It didn't happen overnight but SR helped me turn my life around and gave me back a little hope.
I hope you'll decide to stick around too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Hi AlwaysConflicted. I join the others in being glad you posted. When I first signed on here I never intended to stay around. I was still drinking & wasn't serious about stopping. Something about the encouragement & empathy reached me. I saw myself in so many posts & my anxiety lessened. Prior to that, I had felt all alone - since everyone in my life was a social drinker.
I enjoyed your posts - happy to know you, AC.
I enjoyed your posts - happy to know you, AC.
Maybe it's time to admit to myself I could use some support - some people in my life who understand and know the struggle, all the lying to everyone. Sometimes I realise i've lied so much to friends and family to keep 'my image intact' that they have no clue what type of person I am anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Hi and welcome alwaysconflicted
I didn't know what to expect when I rocked up here either -but it was a relief to find people who understood the nature of the void in me I was always trying to fill with 'stuff', and the illogical nature of addiction and the pull towards self sabotage.
It didn't happen overnight but SR helped me turn my life around and gave me back a little hope.
I hope you'll decide to stick around too
D
I didn't know what to expect when I rocked up here either -but it was a relief to find people who understood the nature of the void in me I was always trying to fill with 'stuff', and the illogical nature of addiction and the pull towards self sabotage.
It didn't happen overnight but SR helped me turn my life around and gave me back a little hope.
I hope you'll decide to stick around too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Omigosh, this was me. I always was aware of what others thought about me, so lying was often necessary (or so I believed). And, I actually wasn't even sure that 'I' knew what kind of person I was anymore. But, this place gave me the courage to live honestly. We do understand the struggle and that's a good reason for posting.
you really hit the nail on the head with that comment 'why settle for sobriety when you can have recovery' That's very true. And the only answer I could think of as to why someone might is fear of the unkown, doubt of your capabilities. I've been drilling into my head for so long that i 'need xanax' to function normally that when i don't have it probably half my symptoms are psychosomatic. Ive noticed sometimes symptoms will only develop if I suddenly realise its been maybe 5 hours since my last dose! I don't want to just not take xanax, i want to really believe that I dont need it! that's the real battle
If you're in London there will be hundreds of meetings that you could choose from. Why not have a look at what's available, lean into your fear and toddle along to a few of them. Even if all you do is sit and listen and drink bad coffee. It's good to feel that fellowship and hear the experience, strength and hope that comes from others.
Take care.
Hello. I worked very hard to get all the 'stuff' my family never had. BUT I did it drinking- increasingly more heavily. In a doctorate program, great academic job, nuclear wonderful family. BUT it did not feel right. Because I got it all drunk. I felt a liar. A hypocrite. So my solution? Not give a toss and drink myself (indirectly but literally) to death. Now I have lost everything. You are seeking answers to questions about your life. With big changes in your life coming up- well I moved, changed jobs, but the reasons for me drinking did not stay in the old house or the old job. They followed me. I hope you get support for this- otherwise in 10 years time you may look back at the post you shared and wished the outcomes were different.
Support to you. Keep posting. PJ
Support to you. Keep posting. PJ
Hey Alwysconflicted,
Nice to meet you and welcome to SR.
What an awesome first post! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share your story here.
Good luck to you on your journey, if you want to change you can. You really can. It's entirely in your hands and you'll get bucket loads of support from the good folk here should you chose to give it a whirl.
Being clean and sober has proved to be the best drug in the world for me and I've tried most of them. :-)
Sending you some hugs from the other side of the world.
Nice to meet you and welcome to SR.
What an awesome first post! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share your story here.
Good luck to you on your journey, if you want to change you can. You really can. It's entirely in your hands and you'll get bucket loads of support from the good folk here should you chose to give it a whirl.
Being clean and sober has proved to be the best drug in the world for me and I've tried most of them. :-)
Sending you some hugs from the other side of the world.
First of all, you need to know that yes, it's possible. I can do it, and so can you.
Other than that... on the negative motivation side I knew that my "best friends" were starting to turn against me. What "worked" for a long time - feeling less stressed, the immediate relief - stopped doing so. One day you wake up to the fact that the stuff you are addicted to stops working altogether, or even makes you feel even more miserable, without the relief. But you are still addicted, so you need to take it. That's a nightmare, and I was very close to that point.
On the positive side... I remembered a time, as a kid, as a teen, where I didn't need all these substances to feel "normal", sometimes even happy. I thought there was no reason I couldn't go back to that mental space. Sure, you grow up, more responsabilities, more bad experiences, but you can still find pleasure, or peace with yourself.
And I was right. I did find a new balance. I did find new passions. (piano, DIY - fixing up the house, ...)
But most importantly... being able to live without that doom of being addicted, without being scared out of my mind to run out of pills or booze, the feeling of throwing away who I was, the cliche of the addict who dies early... that is just priceless.
Expect to feel bad for a while. Truly bad. Your brain will scold you. WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOT TAKING PILLS FFS! But it's just a feeling, and it WILL pass. You know it will pass. You will feel foggy, horrible, wondering if you aren't making a huge mistake, wondering if you are unique, and therefore just *need* to take the pills, but it's just a feeling, and it will pass. Your brain will adjust to the new situation, the craving will subside. Instead, an incredible feeling of pride - "yes, I can live without all that stuff weighing me down." will emerge. Pride, and an immense feeling of freedom.
Best thing I ever did.
Distraction worked too. Doing something, anything to make the cravings go away. Walk, play with the dogs, read, take a shower, stuff yourself with icecream, or whatever. As long as it distracts you for long enough to keep from giving up. And then you notice a weird thing... those cravings don't last as long in real time. as they feel. There's a great thread on urge surfing here, but I don't have the link ready.
Anyway.
My way or feelings are not the only way. If I knew exactly how it worked, how I did it, how it would work for you, I would bottle that and become silly rich. . You have to find your own ways, tricks, rituals that work for you. Even if they seem silly: if they help you calm down, help you find freedom from pills, it's not silly at all.
And most importantly... if you feel you might cave, do yourself a big favor, and post about it here. People might be able, and are more than willing, to help you through it.
Other than that... on the negative motivation side I knew that my "best friends" were starting to turn against me. What "worked" for a long time - feeling less stressed, the immediate relief - stopped doing so. One day you wake up to the fact that the stuff you are addicted to stops working altogether, or even makes you feel even more miserable, without the relief. But you are still addicted, so you need to take it. That's a nightmare, and I was very close to that point.
On the positive side... I remembered a time, as a kid, as a teen, where I didn't need all these substances to feel "normal", sometimes even happy. I thought there was no reason I couldn't go back to that mental space. Sure, you grow up, more responsabilities, more bad experiences, but you can still find pleasure, or peace with yourself.
And I was right. I did find a new balance. I did find new passions. (piano, DIY - fixing up the house, ...)
But most importantly... being able to live without that doom of being addicted, without being scared out of my mind to run out of pills or booze, the feeling of throwing away who I was, the cliche of the addict who dies early... that is just priceless.
Expect to feel bad for a while. Truly bad. Your brain will scold you. WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOT TAKING PILLS FFS! But it's just a feeling, and it WILL pass. You know it will pass. You will feel foggy, horrible, wondering if you aren't making a huge mistake, wondering if you are unique, and therefore just *need* to take the pills, but it's just a feeling, and it will pass. Your brain will adjust to the new situation, the craving will subside. Instead, an incredible feeling of pride - "yes, I can live without all that stuff weighing me down." will emerge. Pride, and an immense feeling of freedom.
Best thing I ever did.
Distraction worked too. Doing something, anything to make the cravings go away. Walk, play with the dogs, read, take a shower, stuff yourself with icecream, or whatever. As long as it distracts you for long enough to keep from giving up. And then you notice a weird thing... those cravings don't last as long in real time. as they feel. There's a great thread on urge surfing here, but I don't have the link ready.
Anyway.
My way or feelings are not the only way. If I knew exactly how it worked, how I did it, how it would work for you, I would bottle that and become silly rich. . You have to find your own ways, tricks, rituals that work for you. Even if they seem silly: if they help you calm down, help you find freedom from pills, it's not silly at all.
And most importantly... if you feel you might cave, do yourself a big favor, and post about it here. People might be able, and are more than willing, to help you through it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
thanks for posting, your success if very motivating! I've never found it too difficult to give up on an addiction however the way i've been doing it so far is just replacing one addiction with another. So in that sense I guess i've never really given up on addiction at all. Xanax however has been the constant. Ive done so much research on Xanax in general, how it work in your brain, how it's prescribed to deal with anxiety and panic disorders yet it disrupts your GABA receptors effectively worsening that for which it is prescribed. I know over time your brain can heal itself and restore normality in that which was disrupted by the drug and this is what I tell myself butI have found that the last few mg are by far the hardest. To just stop completely seems to me right now an impossible feat. Yet nothing is impossible and mostly it's just fear that holds me back.
I have dropped significantly from my highest use however that's the easy part. The hardest part is learning to live wihout it! Yes my body and brain are constantly screaming at me 'what the hell are you doing' and sometimes that can be so loud that I falter but I am in a different head space than I used to be in where I could just ignore the fact that Xanax was a problem. I am determined to give it up - my biggest motivations are that I wish to start a family and also my long term health. I do get scared of prologned use of xanax and degenerative disorders in later life! The evidence is hard to ignore!
Thanks for your tips, will keep on fighting!
I have dropped significantly from my highest use however that's the easy part. The hardest part is learning to live wihout it! Yes my body and brain are constantly screaming at me 'what the hell are you doing' and sometimes that can be so loud that I falter but I am in a different head space than I used to be in where I could just ignore the fact that Xanax was a problem. I am determined to give it up - my biggest motivations are that I wish to start a family and also my long term health. I do get scared of prologned use of xanax and degenerative disorders in later life! The evidence is hard to ignore!
Thanks for your tips, will keep on fighting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Hey Alwysconflicted,
Nice to meet you and welcome to SR.
What an awesome first post! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share your story here.
Good luck to you on your journey, if you want to change you can. You really can. It's entirely in your hands and you'll get bucket loads of support from the good folk here should you chose to give it a whirl.
Being clean and sober has proved to be the best drug in the world for me and I've tried most of them. :-)
Sending you some hugs from the other side of the world.
Nice to meet you and welcome to SR.
What an awesome first post! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share your story here.
Good luck to you on your journey, if you want to change you can. You really can. It's entirely in your hands and you'll get bucket loads of support from the good folk here should you chose to give it a whirl.
Being clean and sober has proved to be the best drug in the world for me and I've tried most of them. :-)
Sending you some hugs from the other side of the world.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Hello. I worked very hard to get all the 'stuff' my family never had. BUT I did it drinking- increasingly more heavily. In a doctorate program, great academic job, nuclear wonderful family. BUT it did not feel right. Because I got it all drunk. I felt a liar. A hypocrite. So my solution? Not give a toss and drink myself (indirectly but literally) to death. Now I have lost everything. You are seeking answers to questions about your life. With big changes in your life coming up- well I moved, changed jobs, but the reasons for me drinking did not stay in the old house or the old job. They followed me. I hope you get support for this- otherwise in 10 years time you may look back at the post you shared and wished the outcomes were different.
Support to you. Keep posting. PJ
Support to you. Keep posting. PJ
You're right when you say how no matter what changes happen in your life addiction will tag along to them all until you learn to cut the cord. Thank you for your wishes of support and also back to you. If you managed to work and succeed in all the things you did before then it's in you and within reach to bounce back and make yourself proud and strong again
x
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