Dee74

Hi and welcome alwaysconflicted

I didn't know what to expect when I rocked up here either -but it was a relief to find people who understood the nature of the void in me I was always trying to fill with 'stuff', and the illogical nature of addiction and the pull towards self sabotage.

It didn't happen overnight but SR helped me turn my life around and gave me back a little hope.

I hope you'll decide to stick around too

D

MsCooterBrown

Welcome AC. You got that right...addiction is addiction no matter what your preference is. This site is incredible. Hope to see a lot more posts from you. Glad you are here.

AlwysConflicted

thank you! the feedback i recieved from my post has been very supportive - i wasn't expecting that so much! Lovely feeling you get from this place

Anna

Omigosh, this was me. I always was aware of what others thought about me, so lying was often necessary (or so I believed). And, I actually wasn't even sure that 'I' knew what kind of person I was anymore. But, this place gave me the courage to live honestly. We do understand the struggle and that's a good reason for posting.

AlwysConflicted

definitely the common consensus around here! it's miles away from the sites I used to seek out in the past!

AlwysConflicted

YES definitely, what also suprises me is the willingness of some people to believe your lies no matter how far fetched. I had a whole septum built, taking cartilage from in between my ribs to put in my nose and for so long I told my father it was because of nasal spray abuse haha - makes me laugh but I hope as a parent I wont be so ignorant!

Berrybean

For me personally, my journey of recovery has left me in no doubt at all about what stands between me and 'Wisdom' (i.e. making the choice that will bring long term serenity over instant gratification or relief). Those obstacles? Fear and ego every time. It took a lot for me to realise that my old thinking was duff (after all I've got a Cambridge degree. Besides, my mum says I was born knowing everything. I'm a right proper smart-arse lol). But recovery taught me much more of value than studies at uni ever did, and didn't land me a pile of student debt either. This may sound silly, but I really did think I had to act on bad feelings and thoughts. I could not see how it could ever be possible to look at them and let them float on. I'd kind of Velcro myself to them and sit with those thoughts or feelings til some other monstrosity came along to Velcro myself to. I got it in the end though. Same as getting that love is not just a feeling. It's an action word. A verb. We need to DO love to make it grow in us. As we light little fires of love by helping other people, we are warmed by it and guided by it ourselves as well. And that how recovery fellowships work. There is really very little distinction between giving and taking, no matter how it might seem to the newcomer. We get better, and get to stay better, by giving it away.

If you're in London there will be hundreds of meetings that you could choose from. Why not have a look at what's available, lean into your fear and toddle along to a few of them. Even if all you do is sit and listen and drink bad coffee. It's good to feel that fellowship and hear the experience, strength and hope that comes from others.

Take care.

PhoenixJ

Hello. I worked very hard to get all the 'stuff' my family never had. BUT I did it drinking- increasingly more heavily. In a doctorate program, great academic job, nuclear wonderful family. BUT it did not feel right. Because I got it all drunk. I felt a liar. A hypocrite. So my solution? Not give a toss and drink myself (indirectly but literally) to death. Now I have lost everything. You are seeking answers to questions about your life. With big changes in your life coming up- well I moved, changed jobs, but the reasons for me drinking did not stay in the old house or the old job. They followed me. I hope you get support for this- otherwise in 10 years time you may look back at the post you shared and wished the outcomes were different.
Support to you. Keep posting. PJ

tufty13

Hey Alwysconflicted,

Nice to meet you and welcome to SR.

What an awesome first post! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share your story here.

Good luck to you on your journey, if you want to change you can. You really can. It's entirely in your hands and you'll get bucket loads of support from the good folk here should you chose to give it a whirl.

Being clean and sober has proved to be the best drug in the world for me and I've tried most of them. :-)

Sending you some hugs from the other side of the world.

ChiefBromden

First of all, you need to know that yes, it's possible. I can do it, and so can you.

Other than that... on the negative motivation side I knew that my "best friends" were starting to turn against me. What "worked" for a long time - feeling less stressed, the immediate relief - stopped doing so. One day you wake up to the fact that the stuff you are addicted to stops working altogether, or even makes you feel even more miserable, without the relief. But you are still addicted, so you need to take it. That's a nightmare, and I was very close to that point.

On the positive side... I remembered a time, as a kid, as a teen, where I didn't need all these substances to feel "normal", sometimes even happy. I thought there was no reason I couldn't go back to that mental space. Sure, you grow up, more responsabilities, more bad experiences, but you can still find pleasure, or peace with yourself.

And I was right. I did find a new balance. I did find new passions. (piano, DIY - fixing up the house, ...)

But most importantly... being able to live without that doom of being addicted, without being scared out of my mind to run out of pills or booze, the feeling of throwing away who I was, the cliche of the addict who dies early... that is just priceless.

Expect to feel bad for a while. Truly bad. Your brain will scold you. WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOT TAKING PILLS FFS! But it's just a feeling, and it WILL pass. You know it will pass. You will feel foggy, horrible, wondering if you aren't making a huge mistake, wondering if you are unique, and therefore just *need* to take the pills, but it's just a feeling, and it will pass. Your brain will adjust to the new situation, the craving will subside. Instead, an incredible feeling of pride - "yes, I can live without all that stuff weighing me down." will emerge. Pride, and an immense feeling of freedom.

Best thing I ever did.

Distraction worked too. Doing something, anything to make the cravings go away. Walk, play with the dogs, read, take a shower, stuff yourself with icecream, or whatever. As long as it distracts you for long enough to keep from giving up. And then you notice a weird thing... those cravings don't last as long in real time. as they feel. There's a great thread on urge surfing here, but I don't have the link ready.

Anyway.

My way or feelings are not the only way. If I knew exactly how it worked, how I did it, how it would work for you, I would bottle that and become silly rich. . You have to find your own ways, tricks, rituals that work for you. Even if they seem silly: if they help you calm down, help you find freedom from pills, it's not silly at all.

And most importantly... if you feel you might cave, do yourself a big favor, and post about it here. People might be able, and are more than willing, to help you through it.

AlwysConflicted

thanks for posting, your success if very motivating! I've never found it too difficult to give up on an addiction however the way i've been doing it so far is just replacing one addiction with another. So in that sense I guess i've never really given up on addiction at all. Xanax however has been the constant. Ive done so much research on Xanax in general, how it work in your brain, how it's prescribed to deal with anxiety and panic disorders yet it disrupts your GABA receptors effectively worsening that for which it is prescribed. I know over time your brain can heal itself and restore normality in that which was disrupted by the drug and this is what I tell myself butI have found that the last few mg are by far the hardest. To just stop completely seems to me right now an impossible feat. Yet nothing is impossible and mostly it's just fear that holds me back.

I have dropped significantly from my highest use however that's the easy part. The hardest part is learning to live wihout it! Yes my body and brain are constantly screaming at me 'what the hell are you doing' and sometimes that can be so loud that I falter but I am in a different head space than I used to be in where I could just ignore the fact that Xanax was a problem. I am determined to give it up - my biggest motivations are that I wish to start a family and also my long term health. I do get scared of prologned use of xanax and degenerative disorders in later life! The evidence is hard to ignore!

Thanks for your tips, will keep on fighting!

AlwysConflicted

Hey Tufty, thanks! Yes I agree - being free and sober can definitely be the best drug if you're making the most of it! When i'm doing something I love, when i'm really living and participating in life, immersed in nature and opening my eyes to all that's beautiful around me the last thing I want to do is cloud that beauty in a drug haze. Living in London isn't for me, city life ins't for me. it overwhelms me and seperates me from the natural world! Time to move on Well done on defeating your battle against addiction!

AlwysConflicted

thanks for your post! It sounds like you had it all at some point and your demons took it away. Addiction will definitely push all that is good, all that you've worked for and feel proud of away. And how do we deal with it? By sinking further into our 'outlets' so that we don't have to address the reality of it all.
You're right when you say how no matter what changes happen in your life addiction will tag along to them all until you learn to cut the cord. Thank you for your wishes of support and also back to you. If you managed to work and succeed in all the things you did before then it's in you and within reach to bounce back and make yourself proud and strong again
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