Sick and tired
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 86
Sick and tired
Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Progressive disease is getting me down. It's like I have to force it down at first, sick of the taste of wine. So why does my brain make me want something my body is making me gag at the first several drinks? I'm feeling trapped by my own actions
F*** the Zero
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: London
Posts: 410
your brain has become dependant on it to fire one of your neurotrasmitters. without it you will go into withdrawal until your brain starts to take control of its functions again.
so your brain says drink as it needs it but the rest of your body is screaming no more.
its a horrible loop I recommend you speak to your doctor about finding a healthy way to break it
so your brain says drink as it needs it but the rest of your body is screaming no more.
its a horrible loop I recommend you speak to your doctor about finding a healthy way to break it
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
That's the way the disease works. I found the taste of the first drink to be awful too, but I continued drinking. The disease takes everything. I believe that, if you stop drinking now, you will feel relieved.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I reached a point where the thought of drinking or the first couple sips triggered my gag reflex. I knew then that my brain or body was trying to tell me something and I wasn't listening. Eventually I simply had enough.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
if you're having physical withdrawal symptoms, definitely consult with a doctor for help getting past that and into the space of being able to work your sobriety.
On the other hand, what you might be experiencing is the dissonance of the struggle between your inner self, your aware self, the YOU who wants to get sober - and the addicted brain self.... the one who refuses to let go. It can be a palpably-physical battle at times.
Addiction is weird. And the only way through it is to really CHOOSE the opposite. To paint a picture of a new life you want and then to grab it with all you can. I finally got there with alcohol and drugs.... it took years.
But I'm still there with coffee, for example. Last night I decided to get up this morning and have fresh-juiced veggie-and-fruit juice instead of coffee. Go for a walk. Stretch. Start a new routine. GET OFF THIS COFFEE ONCE AND FOR ALL. I began visualizing that. But then at bedtime my wife says "let's go to the coffeeshop in the morning and then to do the errands...". Now right before my eyes, the caffeine addiction kicked in; "well, you can have ONE coffee.... go to the coffeeshop, stick to just the one. after all, trying to go cold turkey never works. The awful headaches and nausea.... you always wind up caving in because it gets so bad.... tapering is going to have to be the way to go" (which also never seems to work, BTW). So I don't mention anything to my wife about the plan I'd been forming and instead go to bed with vague thoughts of 'just one'.
This morning I get up and she's not feeling up to going out.... she's 9 months pregnant and wants to rest some more instead because she's just really tired and uncomfortable. So, there's an opportunity to go back to my plan and just have fresh juice. But no...... I'd already caved to the thought of going for coffee. I tell myself "don't do it. skip it. just have juice and stay home" - as I walk out the door. Down to the coffee shop. Have a big red-eye. Even as I'm having it, I'm feeling conflicted. A sense of reward swirled in with a sense of failure and doom. A sense of satisfaction co-mingled with a sense of deep disappointment. I'm happy, but I'm bummed out.
And what it comes down to is that I'm still in that space of "Have to" when it comes to coffee. Not 'WANT TO'. And even the "Have to" just isn't powerful enough because the consequences of coffee aren't really that awful.... aren't really negative enough to cause near and present and constant real pain and suffering..... and so it's a lot easier to cave and to say "tomorrow".
You see, until we really make a CHOICE and that choice is deep and sincere and we're prepared to back that choice up with ACTION.... we wind up existing in this awful limbo when it comes to addiction; we're stuck knowing that this really ISN'T what we want - yet unwilling really yet to change. And that's a pretty unpleasant place to exist.
I wish you the best in shifting out of that space and into a real choice to change. A real, deep, full CHOICE to embrace sobriety and ACTIONS to back it up. Every day. All day.
YOu can do it.
On the other hand, what you might be experiencing is the dissonance of the struggle between your inner self, your aware self, the YOU who wants to get sober - and the addicted brain self.... the one who refuses to let go. It can be a palpably-physical battle at times.
Addiction is weird. And the only way through it is to really CHOOSE the opposite. To paint a picture of a new life you want and then to grab it with all you can. I finally got there with alcohol and drugs.... it took years.
But I'm still there with coffee, for example. Last night I decided to get up this morning and have fresh-juiced veggie-and-fruit juice instead of coffee. Go for a walk. Stretch. Start a new routine. GET OFF THIS COFFEE ONCE AND FOR ALL. I began visualizing that. But then at bedtime my wife says "let's go to the coffeeshop in the morning and then to do the errands...". Now right before my eyes, the caffeine addiction kicked in; "well, you can have ONE coffee.... go to the coffeeshop, stick to just the one. after all, trying to go cold turkey never works. The awful headaches and nausea.... you always wind up caving in because it gets so bad.... tapering is going to have to be the way to go" (which also never seems to work, BTW). So I don't mention anything to my wife about the plan I'd been forming and instead go to bed with vague thoughts of 'just one'.
This morning I get up and she's not feeling up to going out.... she's 9 months pregnant and wants to rest some more instead because she's just really tired and uncomfortable. So, there's an opportunity to go back to my plan and just have fresh juice. But no...... I'd already caved to the thought of going for coffee. I tell myself "don't do it. skip it. just have juice and stay home" - as I walk out the door. Down to the coffee shop. Have a big red-eye. Even as I'm having it, I'm feeling conflicted. A sense of reward swirled in with a sense of failure and doom. A sense of satisfaction co-mingled with a sense of deep disappointment. I'm happy, but I'm bummed out.
And what it comes down to is that I'm still in that space of "Have to" when it comes to coffee. Not 'WANT TO'. And even the "Have to" just isn't powerful enough because the consequences of coffee aren't really that awful.... aren't really negative enough to cause near and present and constant real pain and suffering..... and so it's a lot easier to cave and to say "tomorrow".
You see, until we really make a CHOICE and that choice is deep and sincere and we're prepared to back that choice up with ACTION.... we wind up existing in this awful limbo when it comes to addiction; we're stuck knowing that this really ISN'T what we want - yet unwilling really yet to change. And that's a pretty unpleasant place to exist.
I wish you the best in shifting out of that space and into a real choice to change. A real, deep, full CHOICE to embrace sobriety and ACTIONS to back it up. Every day. All day.
YOu can do it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 72
My body went like that, couldn't keep the stuff down. But had to keep trying just to feel ok. But then it got I didn't even feel ok when I kept it down and kept on drinking. I just felt dreadful all the time, no matter how much or how little I drank.
Had to get rid of it altogether to feel anywhere near human again (well after the first week off it I started to feel human again)
I felt so ill from it in the end, it's only now I can listen to music that I used to listen to when drinking, without feeling physically sick.
Free Owl is right, it's a choice.
If you are trapped by your own actions, you can be freed by your own actions..you are the jailer and you have the key.
You can do this it !
Had to get rid of it altogether to feel anywhere near human again (well after the first week off it I started to feel human again)
I felt so ill from it in the end, it's only now I can listen to music that I used to listen to when drinking, without feeling physically sick.
Free Owl is right, it's a choice.
If you are trapped by your own actions, you can be freed by your own actions..you are the jailer and you have the key.
You can do this it !
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