SoberInSpring

Hi all,
So I posted regularly here a few years ago. I haven't lost my password or anything, but feel like my identity could possibly be guessed, so I'm just starting a fresh account.

Further, where I'm at now is a much different place mentally than a few years back when I came to this site after hospitalization, issues at work, horrendous depression, etc.

So, right now, I've successfully gotten myself in the best shape since I was an athlete in high school. I'm a single guy in my 30s and live in a big city.

Obviously, being sober was a big reason I was able to get myself in shape. I've bought a whole new wardrobe after years and years and years of being depressed about needing size 36 waist, then 38, then 40 and even some 42s. So now that I'm sober, situation at work is great (never late to work in over 2 years, so my past issues don't even come up in my performance review), I have finished my masters degree and in general things are great, I decide to start trying online dating.

Well, about a month ago I went out with someone and just didn't know what else to do in a big city besides "meet up for drinks." While on the dates, I was totally in control, but it started an awful cycle that I'm now trapped in.

I'm an idiot for doing it and so angry with myself, but just allowing myself that few beers led to buying vodka for after the date to "help me fall asleep." The woman eventually told me she found someone else online and just didn't feel chemistry. In the two weeks since then, I have drank 10 of 14 nights.

I guess I'm saying a weird place in my life since when I've had inklings to get sober in the past (and had streaks of many months), it had always been after a horrible blackout. While yes, I'm blacking out while drinking alone, I'm waking up on time, hitting the gym and really not feeling hungover at all. I think it's just because I'm in super good shape (doing 10 mile runs or 50 miles on the stationary bike every single day for the last 175 days) that I'm not hungover.

Today was just different. During lunch, it really dawned on me that I'm setting myself up for absolute disaster.

Last night, my bracket also got busted and in frustration, I punched a wall in my apartment. My hand is OK, but a bit black and blue.

I'm not really depressed right now and with just 2 weeks of binge drinking, haven't added pounds back.

Sorry for this being a bit rambling, but this is just new for me. I guess I'm saying I've been a functioning alcoholic the last two weeks. Before when I was a drunk, I was a total mess with my life coming apart. Since I'm not waking up panicked about what I said or did the night before, I feel like I'm sliding down a different slope.

I am back here for the great support you guys offer.

Thanks for listening.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back SoberInSpring. Glad you came here before things got way out of hand. Above and several other places in your message you are rationalizing your drinking because it's "not that bad" - or you are "sliding down a different slope" or you are a "functioning alcoholic". You might not see it, and many of us have been there before. But it's imperative that you realized that it's all lies. You are already blacking out and drinking alone "to get sleep" which is a major red flag. All the bad stuff that happened in the past will happen again, guaranteed -it's just a matter of when.

Many of us have been in your exact shoes too - thinking we've somehow changed or beaten our addiction and that "this time will be different". But of course it never is...addiction is all too predictable.

Hope you can stick around and join us for some conversations about how to get things back on track. Oh..and if it makes you feel any better my bracket got busted pretty bad this weekend too ;-) I think most people's did....

SoberInSpring

Thanks Scott.

Yeah, I'm certainly trying to rationalize. I hate that my brain comes up with all these reasons about why it's not so bad since I got my life otherwise in order.

I am also just now realizing that the last few weeks, I've been telling myself something to the effect of "this is OK because you have proved that you can stop if you need to."

It's nonsense and my sober/rational self knows it.

DontRemember

I'm guessing SC got you as well. That game busted my brackets and wallet(thankfully no walls)!

As you know..the two week bender can easily turn into a few months-years, with a quickness! I'm also going to say that the 'let down' you got from that chick had a bit to do with your binge. I'm just a week'ish out of a breakup, had some major car trouble and want to do nothing but drink..I know I can't so, I started a strict diet and have been hitting the gym. I'm not in bad shape but, could lose a few pounds and tone up here and there before lake/beach season.

As far as dating in a big city, I'd suggest dates that aren't centered around drinking..Dinner,coffee,walks,shows,ect..obviously if you're out for more than a few times,with the same person, you'll have to say that you don't drink for fitness reasons. That should weed out any heavy drinkers pretty quickly for you as well.

SoberInSpring

Yeah, the stress of dating definitely has been a factor.

I also think that I'm just overconfident in thinking that since I am not currently suffering negative consequences, I never will again if I drink.

And yeah, just typing that I'm drinking a pint and a half of vodka at home 5 nights a week, and rationalizing that it's OK is just plain stupid.

From my previous experience, I know I need to take it one day at a time.

Tonight, I'm traveling to a business conference. I'm going to take a later train than originally planned, just so I get in late and can go straight to bed without going to the cocktail hour. Over the last few years, I've gotten accustomed to work events where I'm not drinking, but others are. With that said, I don't want to put myself in that situation tonight.

FreeOwl

I remember being in my 30's and being able to drink and still work out and be in shape and power through and convince myself it was all gonna work out and that I'd be able to moderate my drinking or even stop it if I needed to....

I remember back before it went from binges now and then with regular 'moderation' and then into binges a lot of the time with 'moderation' that resembled others' binges..... and then into binges most of the time and even somewhat-nonstop binges.

And a couple DUIs and a couple divorces and eventually a place where I wasn't even the guy remotely in control and had lost the capacity to really make any other choice but to drink because I was so caught up in addiction to booze. How the hell did it get that way? How did I wind up just sort of on the edge of a concern and suddenly one day I'm caught in a cycle of blacking out almost daily.... driving on autopilot to get vodka, telling myself not to?

Man, I'd give an awful lot to have embraced sobriety in my early 30's instead of my early 40's.

FreeOwl

(PS - you really don't sound to me like you're 'functioning' all that well. Is that how you'd like to 'function'?)

SoberInSpring

I agree, it's not how I want to function.

I'm not 100% sure it's the right word, but I guess I was just trying to express how I have justified it to myself that since I'm not having the negative consequences, it's better than where I was a few years back.

I feel as though in some ways my alcoholism is really evolving. I keep a daily journal on my iPhone, and have for years. It's just one line. Used at times to count days of sobriety, then once I hit 50 days, more just one line about what I did. I note down days that I drink, and felt as though that kept me accountable.

I'm on a train now en route to a business meeting, and just spent some time actually reading it. I've drank a lot more in the last year than I think I've been telling myself. I found streaks of 20+ days sober, but never a full month. I've had way fewer negative experiences than I did when I was out of control, but I think I've just adapted my drinking so I have more entries like "a few beers at Doug's apt, vodka at home."

This recent spell where I've drank a ton several days in a row hasn't really happened, but I've basically been lying to myself saying that I have had it under control the last few years.

Yes, in control compared to my late teens/20s where I'd have multiple embarrassing blackouts in public, but I've basically just shifted the behavior to a place (home) where it's still self destructive.

At this stage, I'm finding myself close to tears. I'm very very lonely. I'm starting to sense a wave of depression might be starting.

I'm glad I've come here and have some place to post my thoughts.

SoberHoopsFan

Welcome back, Sober. I think you know where this all leads, if you continue down this path. It sounds like sobriety has done wonderful things for you in the past, so why not commit to it again before the inevitable disaster comes?

Mizzuno

Welcome back! I've just resurfaced here as well. On and off sobriety for a decade. Ive managed 3 years sober in the last 10. With each relapse my drinking increased and my behavior got worse. This past year has been one wild ride of all kinds of crazy life stuff. The craziest of it all has been the pre-occupation with alcohol, how I felt after the alcohol and the increase in alcohol consumption. It does progress and it does really take its toll. You know what needs to happen. Reach for the stars and know that sobriety looks good on you!

SoberInSpring

Just checking in. Since Sunday, I haven't drank and haven't had any desire.

The most challenging thing I'm dealing with now is this sense that I'm not honest with myself. To get sober, that's going to need to happen. The recent period where I was drinking basically nightly wasn't norm, but there's just been so many nights since my last bad public blackout a few years back that I'd just justified to myself that it was OK since nobody witnessed me being a total wreck and I woke up with minimal hangover.

In thinking about how to finally get sober once and for all, and not just changing my drinking behavior such that it doesn't lead to being in public while blacked out, I know I have a lot of work to do. Streaks of 50 days, 25 days, etc are pretty common, but leaving the door open in part I believe led to this recent episode. The relationship issues also play a part, as does my inability to sleep a lot.

I have a an Apple Watch that tracks my heartbeat when I sleep. I noticed that when I sleep naturally, it takes me a lot longer to fall asleep, but once I do, my heart rate drops 20%+ and I get lots of quality sleep. The recent nights where I might fall asleep within two minutes of being in bed, my heart rate drops like 2 or 3%, with maybe the last hour or two before I wake up being "deep sleep," likely since the booze is out of my system by then.

Drinking is not going to solve my relationship woes, it's not going to help me stay in shape, and now the Apple Watch has proved to me that it's just an illusion that I'm getting more sleep.