sometimes in recovery you can see your addiction shine through
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
sometimes in recovery you can see your addiction shine through
The other day I was feeling a little glum because every time my kids go back to their mom for a week, I have a heavy sadness settle in.
This time was more pronounced because the duration will be three weeks due to an unfortunate alignment of their spring break in the normal custody schedule.
During that time, our new baby is due.
All of it created a sort of confluence.
My wife texted - could I stop and get some milk on the way home. Sure, I said. Then the thought hit me; I could pick up some of those great molasses cookies at the bakery.
Then I thought - but those'll give me heartburn. And I hadn't had heartburn meds. So, then I thought I'll just stop at Walgreen's, pick up heartburn meds, so I can eat the cookies. While there, I thought a Mountain Dew would be pretty good. Since I'm having the cookies and the heartburn meds anyway...
So I grab the mountain dew, head to the grocery, pick up the milk and the cookies and am already eating a cookie on the way home, washing the heartburn meds down with mountain dew.... all the while thinking to myself "what the heck are you DOING? This is so dumb. This doesn't get you off the heartburn meds, the sugar rush isn't worth the trouble, you're going to regret this soon....." and at the same time thinking "Screw it. I can eat better and stay off the meds tomorrow".
Granted; cookies and heartburn meds and mountain dew are a lot less harmful than alcohol and drugs..... but it's still addiction. It's still the addictive response to the presence of emotion. It's still a clear example for me to see clearly; I'm not free of addiction though I'm free of drugs and alcohol.
I took two lessons from this experience;
1 - It reinforced my sobriety and my resolve to remain sober, because I can see clearly where even "just one" would lead....
2 - It helped call attention to my need to pay attention to my emotional needs, to put in some new work in this area and make sure I'm tending to myself wholly and continuing to deepen my sobriety and my quality of life.
Just thought I'd share - because even though I'm in my 4th year of sobriety, there's always the potential for risk and the potential for greater sober improvement.
This time was more pronounced because the duration will be three weeks due to an unfortunate alignment of their spring break in the normal custody schedule.
During that time, our new baby is due.
All of it created a sort of confluence.
My wife texted - could I stop and get some milk on the way home. Sure, I said. Then the thought hit me; I could pick up some of those great molasses cookies at the bakery.
Then I thought - but those'll give me heartburn. And I hadn't had heartburn meds. So, then I thought I'll just stop at Walgreen's, pick up heartburn meds, so I can eat the cookies. While there, I thought a Mountain Dew would be pretty good. Since I'm having the cookies and the heartburn meds anyway...
So I grab the mountain dew, head to the grocery, pick up the milk and the cookies and am already eating a cookie on the way home, washing the heartburn meds down with mountain dew.... all the while thinking to myself "what the heck are you DOING? This is so dumb. This doesn't get you off the heartburn meds, the sugar rush isn't worth the trouble, you're going to regret this soon....." and at the same time thinking "Screw it. I can eat better and stay off the meds tomorrow".
Granted; cookies and heartburn meds and mountain dew are a lot less harmful than alcohol and drugs..... but it's still addiction. It's still the addictive response to the presence of emotion. It's still a clear example for me to see clearly; I'm not free of addiction though I'm free of drugs and alcohol.
I took two lessons from this experience;
1 - It reinforced my sobriety and my resolve to remain sober, because I can see clearly where even "just one" would lead....
2 - It helped call attention to my need to pay attention to my emotional needs, to put in some new work in this area and make sure I'm tending to myself wholly and continuing to deepen my sobriety and my quality of life.
Just thought I'd share - because even though I'm in my 4th year of sobriety, there's always the potential for risk and the potential for greater sober improvement.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Yeah I've definitely been rewarding myself with food (sugar) since quitting..... gonna end up getting even chubbier if I don't check myself. It beats drinking but it's still hitting that same reward center of my brain that I'm trying to fix.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
Indeed. It seems in many ways I'm doing very well but those lows, and highs, still threaten to knock me off the perch. The salvation, for me, is 1. recognise what's going on and stop acting out. 2 maintain a contiguous equanimous awareness of the breath in the area of the nostrils. In this way the ephemeral sensations pass. These days, after so much practice, they pass quickly but when they are most intense the habit to act out on them is still there.
There is knowledge that they are ephemeral and they will pass and that I don't help myself by submitting to them.
There is knowledge that they are ephemeral and they will pass and that I don't help myself by submitting to them.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Till about an hour ago, I had been procrastinating my schoolwork for the past three days. Not coincidentally, I pigged out like it was going out of style!
I really, really need to stay on a schedule of doing the next right thing. Too much laxity for me leads to loss of control and a feeling of hopelessness.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a more sensible day both with schoolwork and with food consumption.
I really, really need to stay on a schedule of doing the next right thing. Too much laxity for me leads to loss of control and a feeling of hopelessness.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a more sensible day both with schoolwork and with food consumption.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
.................Spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally.
We often trade our addictions into others. Sugar is not as "sweet" as we think.
I struggle too with sugar from time to time.
We often trade our addictions into others. Sugar is not as "sweet" as we think.
I struggle too with sugar from time to time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
A few weeks ago I was at the hair salon. They have the combs in a jar of barbicide for disinfecting purposes. I thought to myself, "Barbicide must have a high content of alcohol....I wonder if you could drink barbicide..."
WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LOL
WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LOL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I bought a 6 pack of coconut popsicles the other day thinking I would be a good boy.
Got back to the vacation trailer here and ate all 6 in a row.
And then felt kinda bad about it.
Just one seems to never be enough for Bob.
M-Bob
Got back to the vacation trailer here and ate all 6 in a row.
And then felt kinda bad about it.
Just one seems to never be enough for Bob.
M-Bob
c011:
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