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Can't really seem to keep it together

Old 03-18-2017, 02:21 AM
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Can't really seem to keep it together

Well, here I am again. First time in a long time (5 years) that I can't stop drinking. I wake up every few hours to EXTREME panic attacks and thoughts of doom.

I'm on the verge of homelessness and will probably only be able to live on my own for another 6 weeks.

I've had 5 jobs, (yes, five jobs) in the last two months. I get so panicked that I leave them after a week. I'm extremely upset with myself and have managed to gain almost 100 lbs during the course of a year.

I had to leave work this evening because I went into a full blown panic attack. I'm super ashamed of myself and really don't know where to begin.

I was prescribed benzos 3 years ago and believe they are the root to all my bad situations. I can't afford rehab, a detox is a joke to me. I say it's a joke because there way of detox is to pump you full of Benzos, vitamins and sleeping pills. I'm literally, stuck.

Really feel I'm a lost cause because anytime I start tapering a Benzo, I fall into a tailspin and have to supplement with alcohol. It's a catch 22.

I'm so scared, and have little to no desire to help myself. Benzo withdrawal is 10x worse than any alcohol withdrawal I've ever been through.

I literally have 2 grand to my name and that will be gone in 2 weeks to supplement my bills.

I don't know what to do. And at this point I don't care. I woke up at 4am with a full blown panic attack and know I'll be awake the rest of the day..

I'm sad, lost, depressed and over it. I don't know where to start.

Thanks for reading. Any suggestions are completely welcomed.
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Old 03-18-2017, 02:54 AM
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Paj,

In my experience, I am not a dr., so this is what I would do...

The panic attacks are all mental. The only way through them is to deal w them.

Since you are on rx drugs, not my area, you may need dr. For a taper schedule.

With booze, I quit w out a dr.

Then I dealt w the living hell of getting clean. That fire hardened me. It hurt so bad that I never want drugs in this body ever again.

Imo...using rx drug...irresponsibly...digs the addiction hole deeper.

Stay clean, hydrate, eat healthy, and suffer for a while.

We addicts want to feel good, we want that buzz.

Anxiety is the same feeling as excitement. Eventually, the brain normalizes.

It took me well over a year clean settle down.

You have to go through hell to get out of the addiction cycle.

Thanks.
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Old 03-18-2017, 03:16 AM
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Hi Pajanickah

I'm sorry for your struggle.

I understand that you don;t want the type of detox you describe but I think when anxiety gets that debilitating you need to see a dr or maybe a therapist, one who understands about about addiction as well as protracted withdrawal from benzos and who can tell you whether that is a factor here or not..

There's no shame in asking for help and support

D
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Old 03-18-2017, 09:43 AM
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I see (kinda) what y'all are saying. I just wanna be off the medication. "Quitting alcohol is easy, it what you do afterwards is the focal point".

I say it over and over again: "Today is it". My life is falling apart. I recognize it. It just hasn't been this serious in years.

Yes, I'm drinking today. Giving the alcohol a grand goodbye.

I don't understand why I am the way I am. I justify everything with alcohol lately - and it's scary.

Tomorrow I will go through an intense withdrawal, but I'll handle it like I have 100x before.

I really want to stick with a sober life.

Idk anymore.
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Old 03-18-2017, 10:37 AM
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It sounds like you're in a pretty vicious cycle that will only get worse the more you keep drinking.
Inpatient rehab and a professional detox may be the best option for you, rehab is covered by insurance, even down to basic medicaid. I'd give them a call and see what your option are so you can stop the madness.
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Old 03-18-2017, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Pajanickah View Post

I'm on the verge of homelessness and will probably only be able to live on my own for another 6 weeks.

I had to leave work this evening because I went into a full blown panic attack.

I was prescribed benzos 3 years ago and believe they are the root to all my bad situations. I can't afford rehab, a detox is a joke to me.

I literally have 2 grand to my name and that will be gone in 2 weeks to supplement my bills.

I don't know what to do. And at this point I don't care.
I think you care - that's why you wrote. You're worried about your future.

And on that note - your future - it seems to me that today you're in a position to do something about it. What options do you see? (I'm not asking what options you like .)

While detox might seem like a joke - what's the alternative?

What's going to happen in two weeks (or six - you write both) if you do nothing except run out of money?

If you're still using benzos, and it looks like you are, I'm curious as to what your doctor has said about this.

There have been times in the past when I had to literally roll myself off the couch to force myself into action. I could think about something for days and do absolutely nothing about it. What do you need to do for you in an attempt to save your life?
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Old 03-18-2017, 12:12 PM
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I agree with talking to your dr and getting help dealing with the anxiety when you detox. Also, the Salvation Army offers free rehab to anyone who wants it:

http://satruck.org/national-rehabilitation
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:09 AM
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Thank you for all your replies!

Honestly, I feel like just giving up. I mean I really don't care anymore. I lye in bed Every night and ask for God to take me.

I cannot afford rehab, I have no insurance and people generally dgaf about me. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to go through Benzo withdrawal I just don't.

I've always had a good intuition, and I'm fine with death. My intuition has always told me that I will die young. I no longer want to live with this chaos anymore.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake again. I'm a failure and I'm fine with that. I just wanna die.
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:19 AM
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Hello,

I am glad you are here and posting, that tells me you do care. I was going to suggest the Salvation Army as well for rehab, however right now sounds like a call to 911 is how you start. If you are feeling that you want to die they can help you with the mental/emotional side of that as well as the physical withdrawals, from there have them recommend a rehab, or head to the Salvation Army.

You can figure out your next steps from there. For now make that call to 911, focus on how you are feeling right now. Please check in and let us know you have called.

❤Delilah
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Old 03-19-2017, 11:27 AM
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I really sympathize with you man. Takes me back many years ago when I never expected to make it to 30, and I did everything I could to make that happen. One hospital stay after another. Had a doctor that felt medication, etc., was the answer. Even shock therapy. Pretty pathetic life. All this kept me from what the real problems were. A few times, I'd take all the meds my doctor gave me, lay down and looked forward to not waking up. Was pretty upset when I did. Trust me on this; you have a lot of great, positive things coming in your future. You will see that once your dealing with a clear mind, free from alcohol and drugs.
I've been to detoxes that do load people up on benzos like you said, and many of those places will give a script for more when they leave. That's just insane. But I've see others that don't. There are medications that aren't addictive that detox centers can give you. Your withdrawals sound too extreme to do it on your own. IMHO, I think Dee's suggestion of checking into the Salvation Army would be a great move. I've heard good things about their program. Giving up is just letting your addiction win. Why give it that kind of power? John
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Old 03-19-2017, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Pajanickah View Post
I cannot afford rehab, I have no insurance and people generally dgaf about me.
This is free:

http://satruck.org/national-rehabilitation
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Old 03-19-2017, 02:15 PM
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I agree, you do care or you wouldn't be posting here. There have been lots of good responses already, I wanted to add I'm sorry for your struggling and I empathize with the struggles you are going through.
I agree seeing a dr is a great idea.
Detox was never a joke to me. I know I had to do a lot of reading and learning before I got the courage to go. But it helped me see things a little differently. So did going in for a 6 week treatment program (government funded in the province I live in).
The thing is... giving up is still making a choice, to continue on in the same fashion, which is a path to self-destruction. And as it's been said, you've shown up here and posted, which is a good sign that there is a part of you that clearly does not want a disastrous end or situation.
You can choose to make a different choice... keep taking whatever help wherever you can, read around here, on other sites on the internet, if you have strength make some calls...
I had to start with little choices and work my way up to having the courage to make the big choices. I used to think I was a hopeless case too. None of us are. It may not be easy, but if you work on it.. it can and does get better.
Hang in there my friend.. keep posting and reading.
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Old 03-19-2017, 03:15 PM
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How are you doing Pajanickah?
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Old 03-19-2017, 03:58 PM
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There's a certain kind of apathy or fatalism that happens with long term addition.

Our self esteem is so low it's easy to convince ourselves that our life is pretty much over and that noone would really care if we liove or die, least of all ourselves .

It's our addiction talking - and it can do that even when we're sober if we drink for long enough.

It took a few months for me to realise just what a dark place my drinking left me in.

If you need to, please bookmark this link, or better still read though it now.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

There is always hope...and there is life after drinking.
It will take effort, but you're not alone Pajanickah

D





Originally Posted by Pajanickah View Post
Thank you for all your replies!

Honestly, I feel like just giving up. I mean I really don't care anymore. I lye in bed Every night and ask for God to take me.

I cannot afford rehab, I have no insurance and people generally dgaf about me. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to go through Benzo withdrawal I just don't.

I've always had a good intuition, and I'm fine with death. My intuition has always told me that I will die young. I no longer want to live with this chaos anymore.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake again. I'm a failure and I'm fine with that. I just wanna die.
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Old 03-19-2017, 05:01 PM
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Afain, ty for all your responses.

I wanna make this clear - I'm in absolute no way suicidal. I just don't want to live anymore.

I'm in EXTREME withdrawal right now so I'm sipping on some wine. Tomorrow is a new day and I intend to make the most of it. My heart has stopped beating so fast since I started drinking the wine.

My problem is I'm not eating properly. I want to make it clear that I do not take Benzos while intoxicated. That's a clear sign I'm not suicidal. It's been 3 months that I've held down a job for more than a week, and i have had several stints of sobriety.

I've been here before. I know how it works. Don't get me wrong, I want to live - however death seems more enticing.

Tomorrow I start again to find a job. I have to make it. I'll keep y'all updated.
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Old 03-19-2017, 05:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Pajanickah View Post

I wanna make this clear - I'm in absolute no way suicidal. I just don't want to live anymore.

I'm in EXTREME withdrawal right now so I'm sipping on some wine.

My problem is I'm not eating properly. I want to make it clear that I do not take Benzos while intoxicated.

I've been here before. I know how it works. Don't get me wrong, I want to live - however death seems more enticing.

Tomorrow I start again to find a job.
You say you've been "here" before and know how it works - but if that's true then you know you're not going to be in the right condition to go job hunting tomorrow. Not if you're drinking wine now to help you endure EXTREME withdrawal.

And to be clear - not eating properly is not the problem right now. Not the immediate problem.

I want to support you, but it looks like you need direct support getting medical attention. Do you have anyone in your life - someone sober - who knows your current situation?
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Old 03-20-2017, 02:23 PM
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Grymt, your mandela type wheel thingy is very hypnotic, it sticks me to it for at least 5 minutes every time I see one of your posts

Pajanickah, glad you stopped drinking and congrats on the jobs
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Old 03-20-2017, 02:30 PM
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Yes, I've noticed that. The writing around it starts to warp if I stare too long at it. Spooky optical illusion.

It's the Dhamma Wheel or Dhamma Chacra. An ancient symbol brought to life with GIMP/Gif.
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Old 03-20-2017, 02:32 PM
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haha, so it's not just me.
I have been reading a tiny bit about Dhamma things, something I intend to go further into.
Are you ok Pajanickah?
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Old 03-20-2017, 02:42 PM
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I really don't want to offend you, but you said you are open to any suggestions, but it sounds like you are open to suggestions that you that you find acceptable. I'm real happy you found a job and I hope things go better this time, but you haven't mentioned any changes you are willing to make to make this happen. You say you got this so I hope that means you have made a plan to avoid the problems you have had in the past. Please try to keep an open mind when considering the options you have available to you and the sincere advise here on SR. John
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