joey112

I'm just making an enquiry to people who have given up alcohol a while and been successful.
I have a long and dismal history with alcohol. Given up literally scores of time over the past 20 years.
This time, I feel is different. For a start, it's been my longest period in 20 years (4 months)
For another, it's the first time I have tried something other than fear to try to motivate me. In the past when I stopped drinking, it was always because of some health scare, or because I was causing trouble when drunk and people were threatening to cut me out of their lives (rightly so).
This time, I refuse to be a slave to anxiety. Fear based abstinence doesn't work for me.
Fear of another horrendous withdrawal.
Fear I will die if I continue.
Fear of what my life will become (as if it could get any worse)
You get the picture, a million fears.
But I find fear doesn't work, it doesn't last, it fades, it can be rationlised and gotton around.
This time, I am focusing on the good things that will come from not drinking. Looking for things to make the future better, not looking back and running from things I am afraid of.
And it seems to be working.
Would like to hear what others think?

doggonecarl

Sounds like a recovery-based perspective. Sobriety needs to be embraced.

PhoenixJ

Agree- fear is wasted- turn it into proactivity

Behappy1

For me the fear didn't last. Once I had put some time/distance to "episodes" I started minimizing them. Would drink again because it "wasn't that bad" or the waters had calmed down a bit and it was "safe" (in my mind to drink). Fear sends you running from, I like your perspective with focusing on all of the good that will come from sobriety. That sends you running to it embracing it.

seahorse661

hi, I found over the years that fear, shame, remorse, threats, hurt family members, love for my child - none of it worked for long. There had to be a profound internal change, accompanied by acceptance that I am alcoholic and I just cannot drink
I wish you luck on this journey, it's so worth the effort.

joey112

Thank you everyone who answered. I just knew I was going about it the wrong way in the past!
seahorse, yes, none of those negative emotions or threats worked for long. Neither, which I could not understand, and made me feel a terrible person was love for my children. I did do love them, but was told countless times I really didn't, or I would stop drinking for good.
I think I have had the change you talk about. In the past, even the fear of drinking held me in some warped relationship with it.
I have been reading the secular connections here for months and I think the fear also set conditions on whether or not I would drink again.
As in, I'm not drinking because such and such might happen. Which then left the loop-hole of trying to drink without the negative happening.
Which is not to say that I think only good things will happen because I don't drink (there is a very big negative event looming, which I am trying to prepare as best as I can for).
But at least striving for the good and the positive gives it a better chance of happening, surely?

Nonsensical

Fear says: I have to give up something great or else bad things will happen

Reality says: I have to give up something bad so that great things will happen

I can do anything I want with my life.

Or I can drink.

thomas11

I'm guessing if you asked 100 different people why they quit, you'd get almost 100 different answers.

I quit because I didn't want to be remembered as a drunk, I want to live longer, I owe it to myself and my wife to be present in our lives, and there was very little "joy" in drinking left for me. Withdrawals were putting the fear of death in me and that also contributed.

joey112

I like that Nonsensical!
I aim to take the totally positive approach this time. Positive down to even the reason I do not drink.

totfit

Fear and awfulizing never did any good for me either. The thing that also worked for me was that I had a limited time wearing this suit of human clothes to work with and I want to make the best of it. I really can't choose the things I do or places I go when drinking. When I am drinking, that is what comes first. Exercise and a healthy diet helped me immensely along with setting small achievable goals with which to move forward. For better or worse, I don't fear what drinking will do. I pretty much know what it will do. I don't drink as it makes no sense for the way in which I want to live my life.

joey112

Exactly tofit. "I don't fear what drinking will do. I pretty much know what it will do" That is exactly how I feel too. There are so many things out there waiting to be experienced, I don't want to be stuck in the "drinking experience" anymore, done it all over and over and over and it never changes.
And good or bad things to come, I want some new experiences. Not to keep on living rehashing the old ones (either in my head or in real life). The experience of eating heathly, living healthy and thinking healthy is new and exciting to me.

MeSoSober

I think I can benefit from both positive and negative motivation. I kinda feel like if complacency has set in (or is looming around the edges of my consciousness), fear can be a good kick in the butt.

I'm thinking of when I used to watch Intervention regularly. Particularly if someone died as a result of drinking or drug abuse, it was a stark reminder of what might await me if I don't stay vigilant.

joey112

I tried negative motivation for years MeSoSober, then I tried keeping an eye on the future, while keeping a foot in the past (remembering all the horrible drunks and withdrawals). But now, I feel like totfit said, I don't need to keep scaring myself with the past, as I know what will happen if I drank, what always happens. The bad experiences of drink are scarred upon me, I don't need to consciously remember details of the bedlam. I don't need or want to remember the person I was under the influence. It wasn't the true me. I am making the true me now.
I just know I never want to drink again, it holds nothing for me anymore.
So now I have a lot of room in my life ready to be filled with other things.
But, horses for courses, if it helps people to remember the past, there is no reason why they shouldn't.
I was just asking people if the positive approach to just leaving the drinking episode of life behind helped them.

MeSoSober

I could see not needing to remember the negative past when I have a lot more sobriety under my belt. For now, though, I do think that not remembering my past could condemn me to repeat it, as the saying goes.

Which is not to say that I DWELL there -- in fact I just started a thread over the weekend in which I posted a letter from a recovering alcoholic who shared all the wonderful things he'd begun to do since he decided to quit drinking.

But yeah, for me, both fear and positive thinking play a big part in keeping me sober. Just as another for instance, when I'm tempted to drink, the (negative) thought of having to come back here and confess after the fact acts as a deterrent to me. I wouldn't call it fear, exactly, but the thought of reporting here that I caved and drank after three months of sobriety is not pleasant.

But as we all know, what works to keep us sober varies wildly from one person to the next -- I think the main thing is that we do what works! And it is an interesting topic!

joey112

Or maybe I like this approach because my family bring up the past often enough for me?
And it has always dragged me backwards again. No matter how much I have apologised, they still brought up random things at unexpected moments when I have stopped drinking before. Short of inventing a time machine and going back and not doing the things I did, I don't know what they want me to do. I am genuinely sorry for the things I did. But doesn't stop them beating me over the head with them.
So, I decided the only thing I could do, was put the whole drinking thing down. All of it. The fear, the memories, the guilt, the shame, the regret, put it all down and move on.
I am hoping one day, they will see the real me, the not chemically addled me and realise I am not that person when alcohol doesn't hijack my brain.
At the moment though, I am being told, yes, NOW you have stopped drinking for a few months because it's what YOU want, still selfish.

Maudcat

Hi, joey. welcome. I wouldn't invest a lot of time or energy in what family members say. Your recovery is for you. Keep at it. You are off to a very good start. Often, our recovery takes every ounce of strength and will that we have, and we can't get distracted by others' noise.
As to what is good about not drinking? Well, a lot of things, but my number one is waking up clear headed every day. That is worth diamonds to me. Peace.

joey112

Yes, waking up and being able to jump out of bed and do what needs to be done that day is wonderful!
With my *new* positive attitude I am nurturing, I am giving the family the benefit of the doubt that they don't want to see me crash and burn, just that they are protecting themselves from further disappointment. But I cannot work the controls inside their heads, only my own.
Luckily, my sense of humour is coming back, which helps a lot!

As I look at it, I am not the same now as when I was 6, or 20, or 30.
Experience, hormones, brain chemistry and a host of other things in life constantly shape us and reshape us.
I am not a drinker anymore. That episode is finished.
Now it's time to move on and deal with things, myself, life in more sensible ways.
Peace to you too.

joey112

Oh and one massive blessing. I can finally listen to music again, Kasabian in particular. The last few months of not drinking, as that was what I listened to drunk, hearing it had made me feel physically ill.
Not anymore..bliss
And it's almost 8pm, but I can go out visiting friends if I like, as I'm not drunk so I don't have to hide at home not answering the phone.

Dee74

I could have died and nearly did, but even that couldn't stop me thinking about returning to drinking someday.

What did ultimately stop me was this place.

I really wanted what all those other people had.

Positive reinforcements and motivations always work better for me than negative ones.

D

oakleaf82

I think that fear can be a useful tool, but I agree it's not enough. For me the key has been to flip the perception of sobriety to something positive. All the extra time, health benefits, financial benefits, and for me the improvement in my mental health was significant. Relationships as well, while perhaps I don't interact socially as often as I used to, the interactions I have now are authentic. Literally everything is better