soberlicious

I said for years that I love my children while I was drinking, and I have always loved them and I always will...but "love" (especially as a parent) has less to do with that feeling we feel and far more to do with the action we put behind that feeling. I can say I love them, but honestly when I was drinking I wasn't putting any true action behind that word. To love them means to be fully present, to keep them safe, to be the best role model I can be for them, to not put a substance ahead of them. For me, there came a time that I realized that the truth was if I love them as much as I say I do, then I needed to put my money where my mouth was and back my words with action.

It's tough to hear, I know. Addiction creates huge ripples of pain for families. It isn't easy for anyone struggling to end their addiction or anyone who has to live through the pain of loving someone who is addicted. I've sat on both sides of that table, and neither is preferable to the other. They are both awful places to be. Give it time and try to have compassion for their pain, even if they don't reciprocate in kind.

As far as fear goes, I certainly think that fear can be an impetus from which real change can happen. But to live in fear is to suffer. Reading about fear and fearlessness from the Buddhist standpoint has been very powerful for me ( a quick google search will give you tons of results). Like this author says, "Fearlessness isn’t the absence of fear, but the ability stay with one’s fear and use its energy wisely. "

MsCooterBrown

I like that Dee. My observation of the best positive reinforcement is my new found FREEDOM! As discussed many times...drinking takes a LOT of planning ahead. I used to have to make a list of the errands I needed to run ..mark them off as I did them. THEN I could drink. You can't drink first if you plan on getting anything done. If you are smart...once you start drinking you can't leave the house. Who wants a DUI??

joey112

Me too Dee, I have been told countless times of the damage I was doing to my body. Once the initial panic wore off, I just managed to put it to the back of my mind so I could carry on drinking.

I was going to say, I don't want what other people have, I just want to be my true authentic self, the person I was meant to be. But a lot of people do have that here, so I guess I do want what they have!

joey112

I am just beginning to appreciate the benefits oakleaf. The most precious of all, is peace of mind. When I was drinking and when I was withdrawing especially, I would think I was going mad.
It's not normal to have blackouts and have to act dectective to piece together the clues to what you have been doing either!
As you say, everything you list is better, it's wonderful.

joey112

Ah soberlicious, when my kids were growing up (all left home now) I managed to fool myself that because I held down a job, fed them, clothed them, listened to their problems, tried to support them in every way I could that they wouldn't notice I was tipsy/hungover half the time. And it was a slow slide down into the abyss of full blown drinking (after they had left home). Of course I was fooling no one but myself. I was "doing" all the right things, so I couldn't, at the time appreciate that it was the fact that I wasn't my "true" self while doing them that people were complaing about.
I couldn't be fully there when I had a hangover or trying to deal with any of the things drinking brings infact.

I know all about being on the receiving end of someone elses addiction (several peoples infact), which to me, makes it all the more unforgivable that I did that to my kids.
As I said, they are grown and left home now. But, I would say, the most painful thing I went through with my mothers addiction was watching her die of cirrhosis of the liver.
At least I can save them from that horror show, if nothing else.

Yes, I am just investigating Buddhism at the moment, it has always appealed to me and now I have stopped poisoning myself I have time for other things !

PhoenixJ

mindfulness

joey112

Yes PJ I got the gist of mindfulness. I want to go for full on "detachment" haha..I joined this Buddhist community site, as far as I can see, it's a lot of people trying to be profound and I haven't a clue what is going on most of the time.

soberlicious

Unfortunately, I can relate. I am currently watching my sister (who has cirrhosis) continue to drink and abuse other meds. It's heart wrenching.

This was me too. I told them at the treatment center, "my kids don't know". They said, "oh, you're wrong. Your kids most certainly do know." In talking with my kids over the last 10 years of being alcohol free, they in fact did know. But things change, and with consistency comes trust and freedom and so, so many other wonderful things.

I'm glad! You are free to grow/change in any way you wish now. Congrats on your freedom. xo

joey112

I'm sorry about your sister soberlcious, it's a horrible thing to have to watch.
I'm glad you have worked things through with your kids, that's wonderful . I can't get my time back with my kids. But when grand kids come along ..I'll be ready and waiting, and hopefully by then, my kids will see that I can be trusted

My freedom is becoming a precious thing to me, never want to be tethered to a life of addiction again