KiKi0615

Hi guys, I need some advice. My husband of almost 20 years came home extremely buzzed/drunk last night & it really triggered me! This has been a battle for many years.

When we first met in college we were drinking buddies. This continued for several years after. We had a lot of fun together. About 15 years ago I started drinking alcoholically and he's pretty much still drinking the way we used to drink a long time ago. I got a DUI in 2008 which led me to go to AA and staying sober from 2008-2014. He continued to drink (in social situations). I felt left out.

He comes from a very large Irish catholic family and alcohol is extremely important to them. It's the way he grew up. There have also been a few people in his family that have died of alcoholism. I don't "think" my husband is an alcoholic but sometimes I wonder where his loyalty is...me or alcohol???

After watching him drink at almost every social situation for 5 plus years of sobriety, I finally caved and decided to TRY to see if I could drink again. That was in 2014 and I only have 10 days of sobriety. It's been hell! My disease picked up right where it left off in 2008. My test failed. I can't drink!!!

Anyway...I want sobriety more than anything but I don't know how to be married to a man who drinks anymore. I don't want to be around it! He LOVES going out to drink etc. We are VERY different people now. Honestly, if it weren't for our 3 kids I'm not sure we'd still be together. We just aren't compatible anymore. It makes me sad.

*The biggest thing that bothers me is "I" feel like a FAILURE! I feel inadequate because I can't drink with him anymore. I FAILED at my attempt to control it. I hate failing!!!

I've told him he can go find a woman who drinks and he says "no, I don't want that". His actions speak louder than his words. He KNEW I have been working VERY hard at my sobriety and still chose to go out drinking last night and come home slurring his words.

Honestly....my AV has been having a field day with it! I could absolutely go out and get drunk today if I wanted to just to say "F YOU!" but I don't want to do that because it would only hurt ME.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE WHEN ONE PERSON IS IN RECOVERY AND THE OTHER PERSON DRINKS?

I should add that he IS considerate about his drinking & doesn't do it in the house but just KNOWING he "wishes" we could be out partying together almost makes me feel handicapped.

AND before someone says it....I know that "I" am the one with the problem....not him but it's really impacting our marriage. I need advice about that. Any tips? Anyone relate?

Thx so much!

Bobbieka

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Kiki. I'm lucky. My husband quit also. But I know there are many on this site that have maintained sobriety while their spouses continued to drink. Hopefully they'll come along with advice. Until then, hugs and prayers, Kiki.

KiKi0615

Thank you so much Bobbie. You're right, you ARE lucky!

Forward12

That's great to hear you had 6 years clean! I would reflect back on what you did all those years to stay sober, and try doing them again. Are you still going to AA? If not, it may be a good idea to start going again.

Poppy79

Wish I could respond with answers but my hubby also quit a few weeks after me. I didn't ask him to, but I did let him know that I worried about him drinking would trigger my AV.
I should also mention, I am a wee 4.5 months sober so it's still early days. I am hoping he can have a drink down the track and I won't be fussed about it. Hoping
I should also mention my hubby does not have an addictive body in his damn body so him stopping I don't believe was an issue for him.
Maybe you could suggest he go to an al alon meeting?
I hope it all works out for you hun.

SparkleKitty

I think the best thing you can do for your three kids is to do everything YOU need to do to recover. If that means re-evaluating your marriage to someone who chooses alcohol over your recovery, then that is what it means. It is far better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

PurpleCat

My husband is a daily drinker. My parents drink. My son drinks. My aunt and uncles and cousins drink (well, one cousin doesn't). We are a close family so I am surrounded by drinkers all the time. All of them except for my husband are normal drinkers.

Sometimes it bothers me, but in reality I am quitting (40+ days now) for me, not them. I can't control them, I can only control me. I don't want to cut myself off from them, so I have to manage my reactions to them. Sometimes it's difficult, but so far it's been successful.

From your post, though, it sounds like the troubles may be deeper than the drink. I have no suggestions there, but wish you luck.

MicroMacro

This is a common topic today on several recovery boards.

I see the answer to your question - for you - in your own post. It isn't working.

It is sad. You're looking at the end of your marriage - that's huge.

NOT FOR EVERYONE.

My stepmother is an alcoholic. She spent a month in treatment and when she left, my dad quit drinking. He's not an alcoholic. I'm single and for a while, I thought I could handle dating a guy that drinks normally. Nope. That is a lifestyle choice that I not only took away from myself, it's a lifestyle that isn't healthy for me to be around. It brings up too much $hit. There's a whole world of things for me to think about and participate in - and that's nearly impossible for me to do when alcohol is in the picture.


Trust your heart. It has never betrayed you.

Anna

I'm glad you are working on your recovery and taking care of yourself and your 3 children. Good for you!

Have you considered doing things together with your husband, that don't involve alcohol? Do you have any activities that you do together? For example, my husband and I walk/hike a lot together. It's an activity that encourages talking together. At some point, you may have to make a decision as to what is the best course for you and your kids.

MsCooterBrown

I can't think of a time that I was in more turmoil than when I was sober and my husband (now ex) had to drink himself into oblivion night after night. We both drank when we met. I changed the stakes. It wasn't what he bargained for. I think the hard part was watching his personality change. And the eyes...you could see life fade out. Pretty soon the lights were on and no one was home. We had deeper issues. He was capable of being an extremely violent drunk. We didn't make it. I didn't get out soon enough. But slowly I am putting my life back together. I don't believe you can heal as long as you rely on alcohol. Hang tough. Get some help. I wish I had.

ljc267

My wife still drinks, but she is completely a social drinker and won't drink for months, but she still has wine and other alcohol in the house. She did ask me if I wanted her to get rid of it. First, I wouldn't drink wine anyway, lol, but second alcohol is everywhere and I could drink anytime if I choose to. I also figure it's kind of unfair for me to expect her to not drink when I am the one with the problem.

That being said, if she had a drinking problem that would be different. I don't know what I would do.

If I were you I would talk to him and explain your issue with his drinking. See where it goes. You might be surprised by his response.

CreativeThinker

Hi Kiki,

I can relate. My husband and I have been drinking together since we met. I met him when he was a bartender at Logan Airport and I was traveling on business. He served me one night while I was traveling through Boston. We've been married 16 yrs, no kids and throughout the years we've been together, we've drank heavily.

We've made many attempts to stop drinking, sometimes together, and other times separately. Most times we start out together but one of us caves in and begins to drink again, and shortly after we're both back at it again. Both of us have had DUIs, thousands of dollars have been blown due to alcohol related incidents, trust has been broken...the list goes on and on. It's really sad because when alcohol isn't involved, we have a lot fun together. We have the same interests, sense of humor and we genuinely enjoy each other. Our most recent attempt to get sober together began on 2/22/17. So far, so good. It's just the beginning, and we have a long way to go, but we both know that if we continue to have alcohol in our life, we'll wind up losing everything.

Do I think that it's possible for one of us to be sober, while the other continues to actively drink? Nope! The reason I know it's not possible is because both of us are alcoholics. If one of us was able to drink sensibly and didn't have a drinking problem, it would be an entirely different story. Having said that, all couples are different. I can only speak for my situation.

Congratulations on 6yrs! You have obviously been able to figure out how to stay sober while your hubby continues to drink.

Maudcat

Hi, Kiki. Welcome. There are a few people in these forums who are in recovery with a partner who is still drinking. Some are able to make it work. Others, not so much.
I don't have advice. My spouse, who is a normal drinker, stopped the same time I did, and never looked back. I think that helped me alot in the early days.
Assume you have talked with him about this? It sounds like he tries to keep it out of the house, anyway.
Please try not to feel like a failure. Accept that drinking is just not in the cards for you. And remember all the hangovers, fights, drama, etc. that you don't have anymore because you don't drink. Not to mention the break you are cutting your liver and kidneys and your overall health.
Work on your recovery. Stay, as they say, on your side of the street. Time will tell as to whether your marriage stays intact. Peace.

KiKi0615

Thanks Forward. Yes I went to AA and I'm still going to AA. Still hard when everyone I chose to associate with are non-drinkers EXCEPT my husband.

KiKi0615

Thanks Poppy. You're lucky that your husband quit! I'm sure that really helps. My husband has gone to Alanon but it doesn't help him. He actually thinks "I" need Alanon because I grew up with a crazy mother and an alcoholic grandmother.

KiKi0615

Wow....very good point Sparkle. I've heard Dr. Phil say that! "Better to be from a broken home than IN one." I'm hoping some marriage counseling will help. Need to find one asap!

KiKi0615

Thank you. You have some good points here. ^^^

Kris47

Hi KiKi,

I too have a husband who quit with me. He wanted and hoped for better days for the both of us if we quit drinking. He was a normal drinker.

I believe you know in the bottom of your heart if you can maintain this relationship. If you're not sure give it a try. Speak to him and see what he will do to keep you both together.

There are recovering alcoholics that do live with drinking spouses, "normies". They are able to maintain their sobriety. It takes one strong person to remain sober under less than ideal conditions but it can work out.

Wishing you and your family the best with whatever your ultimate decisions are.

KiKi0615

I really appreciate everyone caring enough to reply to my post. I think the 2 biggest issues are:
1. When my husband drinks I feel left out because his social life revolves around drinking! It's not like we go to a concert and there's drinking "on the side". He wants to go to a bar or party where the entire FOCUS is drinking.

2. He acts very different when he drinks....immediately! He's a light-weight. The way he acts when he drinks is probably more of a trigger than him physically drinking.

*Well....obviously we need some help with this. Again, I appreciate all the support more than you know!

ljc267

Yeah I'm not going to the bar and sit there while everyone drinks. I never realized how annoying drunk people are til I quit.