deelorette

Hello all. I wish I had found you sooner. Like ten years ago sooner. When I've read your stories.... I couldn't believe my eyes. Some sentences could have been written by me exactly. When I met my boyfriend, ten years ago, I had just got separated. He was sweet, handsome and friendly, and resembled my first love. On our first date, he gently kissed me, and I felt this comfort, this spark, that it was all right, and I would never have to be alone again. I'm a hopeless romantic, but have been assaulted by older men when I was a teen, and I also detest dating......so I do not feel that attraction to hardly any men like I did him. It became the beginning of the end of my happiness. It was the most passionate relationship I have ever had, and I have had three other loves. But the signs of alcohol and drug addiction were there right away. I didn't know I was an empath. He told me stories upon stories that he had had a bad childhood and that he witnessed his coke addict stepdad beat up his mom in front of him. He never veered off this sympathy path. It was always about his hurts. I saw how he blamed everyone else for his behavior... and was not empathetic about mine. All signs of a narcissist. He always talked about anxiety and having social issues. I know this sounds so shallow.... but when he was loving.... he had me wrapped. I was sooo addicted to his affection.... but I was never ever blind by his abusive behavior. I knew it was all wrong and I deserved to be treated better. I should have gotten counselling, but with 3 small children, there was no time or money for that. So when they went to their dad's for three days, and I was super sad and lonely, my boyfriend accepted me with open arms. He was emotionally and verbally abusive... and he threw me down, has whipped things at my eye, but it was always my fault for irking the bear. When I read how they twist and make everything that you think about them.... and call you selfish and narcissistic and you doubt everything you are... and everything you do,,, and they are never happy with you... doesn't matter if they want you to be a hard worker,,,, then when you don't have enough time to cater to their needs, they bash you for ruining the relationship. Your kids are always subject to insults because he is jealous of my time with them. It has been the most painful ... crazy relationship. I would never ever wish this on anyone. He has made me almost insane. How sad because I was just a very outgoing, friendly , nice girl with a huge heart. My friend always said I shone. Now... I feel reclusive,, sad, depressed, angry.... ashamed... etc. All because I feel that I'll never ever find someone who rocked my world like that. I need help. I want to feel happy again. I always have that scared, lonely, hopeless feeling. I have friends,, and longtime friends, but no one lives close to me. What should I do? Oh.... we don't live together, and last week he actually said that we fight too much so he needed us to be apart. So I guess that is a blessing in disguise. Of course the blame is on me. But... I know that I was truly the giver.... and everything had to be his way or the highway. He couldn't control his alcoholism,,, or didn't want to.... it was always easier to deny he said those disgusting words to me, or say he didn't remember. So he sweeps everything under the carpet..... much easier to find a new relationship than to fix himself. He is a binge drinker that is falling down drunk very often. He wanted someone to accept him and his lifestyle because he's a great provider... but I found myself so lonely with him as well.... as you have to be accepting of your once or twice a week date with a man who drank all day and now you get him tired and sleepy. Fun wow!! I knew there was something really wrong with him when I saw that not once in all those years did he EVER ask ME what I wanted to do on our saturday together. NOT ONCE!!! Thanks for reading this. I cannot believe how broken he has made me. And how dumb I am for letting him. The last 6 months I finally was independent and he hated it. So that's what made him break up with me. He always said stuff like: If you just stopped talking and listened to me, I would have married you. And I would respond; But that is not me . He couldn't control me, and that made him nuts. He was so big on saying: you don't listen to me. Another example... small things you tried to discuss,,, or major things like finding porn on his computer... were always treated with same response: Anger.... and accusing you of causing DRAMA. He was dark, gloomy, and never ever tried to make me laugh or cheer me up. He liked making me feel sorry for myself, and truly always played the part that I was a poor single Mom. Wow... I could write a book! So thank you again for having this forum, because I do not want to get physically more sick and ruin the rest of the years I have, because I cared more about trying to make him smile, or make him feel loved, or make him happy...... all the while I completely destroyed myself, and even wasn't as happy as I could have been with my kids (he used to call me drunk and sad and wanting to die and make me feel bad if I wanted to get off the phone)... so I was often feeling neglected, ignored or rejected by him,,,, because when he was drinking with a friend.... or totally getting bombed at home alone.... he totally forgot about me. Talk about a roller coaster ride. Thanks for letting me pour out my heart. I really want to heal and be okay.
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doggonecarl

Glad to hear you are free of him, finally.

Ariesagain

I hope you print this post and re-read it, oh, maybe ten times a day.

You and your kids need to be far, far away from him. They do not need to grow up thinking this is how relationships are, because they will recreate it in their own lives.

Turn your back to his madness, turn your face to the sun and get on with your sweet life, yes?

Sending you a hug.

Caramel

"Some sentences could have been written by me exactly."

For me, it helps to learn of others' experience, to realise I am not alone, to know there is hope, strength, and healing ahead.
Wishing you courage

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Deelorette!!

Dee74

I'm really glad thats behind you deelorette -welcome to SR - it is a place of healing and there's a lot of support and understanding here

D