Free Time Is The Enemy
LexiStrength
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 22
Free Time Is The Enemy
I've been home all day due to a lovely little blizard that hit. Ugh I really hate the snow!! It was nice to have off from work on a Tuesday, though 
I had a boring but cute day snuggled up with my husband in bed eating and watching tv.
But then of course I started to think of all the other times I've been snowed in and how we used to get plastered. Which made me nostalgic. I'm only 26, yet I miss the wasted days of my youth. I feel old and worn out. Thankfully, I don't look as beat up as I feel, but it is depressing to think about.
Also, since I had so much time on my hands, I got to thinking. I just replayed all of these embarrassing scenarios (ones I can remember) of my drunken coked up binges. And started hating myself. And feeling sorry for myself. I just cannot believe the stuff I've done. It makes me want to scream! The texts I've sent, the things I've said, the people I've hurt... Omg!
I am trying to feel hopeful and positive about this road to recovery we're all on, I just wish I could forgive myself. I guess that will come in time.
Hope everyone had a good sober day. Thanks in advance for the support.
I had a boring but cute day snuggled up with my husband in bed eating and watching tv.
But then of course I started to think of all the other times I've been snowed in and how we used to get plastered. Which made me nostalgic. I'm only 26, yet I miss the wasted days of my youth. I feel old and worn out. Thankfully, I don't look as beat up as I feel, but it is depressing to think about.
Also, since I had so much time on my hands, I got to thinking. I just replayed all of these embarrassing scenarios (ones I can remember) of my drunken coked up binges. And started hating myself. And feeling sorry for myself. I just cannot believe the stuff I've done. It makes me want to scream! The texts I've sent, the things I've said, the people I've hurt... Omg!
I am trying to feel hopeful and positive about this road to recovery we're all on, I just wish I could forgive myself. I guess that will come in time.
Hope everyone had a good sober day. Thanks in advance for the support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
I would love to apologize but I don't exactly remember who I did what to! That is why I am turning my leaf over. Do my best to live by example. Hopefully if I hurt someone they will let me know and then I can apologize. It does suck. BUT we are on track now!!! And yeah...all that snow. Just saw it on the news. You guys got hammered!! (with snow of course )
)
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Yes, forgiving yourself will take time and patience with yourself. The important thing is not let those memories push you back to drinking. I found that journaling really helped me get some of the stuff out and enabled me to start letting go of it. The forgiving yourself may be a process, but you will get there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
The more time you put between yourself and your last binge, the more faded those memories will be. In my own opinion its the only way to put your past....in the past. When things are fresh, it can be pretty debilitating, but it doesn't have to be. Do something good or positive each day.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
There's nothing we can do about yesterday, however much we'd like to do it over. There's only so much we can fix too.
The problem is if we keep looking back too much we'll miss stuff thats happening today, and today is a day we can do a lot with
I try to look at it like I was ill and now I'm well.
not ducking responsibility for the past but not endlessly beating myself up either.
I hope you'll come to forgive yourself
D
The problem is if we keep looking back too much we'll miss stuff thats happening today, and today is a day we can do a lot with
I try to look at it like I was ill and now I'm well.
not ducking responsibility for the past but not endlessly beating myself up either.
I hope you'll come to forgive yourself
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
The laying in bed, eating and watching tv all the live long day is one of my favourite luxuries of sobriety I like to indulge in with my little one.
As to the regrets of the past, have you thought about journaling them? I have a "burn book" when I am struggling with some of the wreckage of my past. I can put my hamster wheel thoughts down on paper and give my head a break. It does really help me, it might be worth a try.
Living in the past with our shame is worse than having idle time. Getting into the practice of being mindful and present in the now, no matter what is going on, is something learned and to be worked on thoroughly until we become accustomed to it and comfortable.
After treatment, and during, I questioned and questioned this whole forgiveness thing.
I pulled this up on wikipedia, for you as much as me. I think I will write it down in my journal.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.[1][2] Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), pardoning (granted for an acknowledged offense by a representative of society, such as a judge), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship)."
Live life with intention. You are not your past. You are still young and freed from the bondage of addiction you can do anything in this life that you choose.
I think the hardest thing I ever did was find my way to my path of beginning a life of recovery. You will find your way too, just keep taking those steps forward.
As to the regrets of the past, have you thought about journaling them? I have a "burn book" when I am struggling with some of the wreckage of my past. I can put my hamster wheel thoughts down on paper and give my head a break. It does really help me, it might be worth a try.
Living in the past with our shame is worse than having idle time. Getting into the practice of being mindful and present in the now, no matter what is going on, is something learned and to be worked on thoroughly until we become accustomed to it and comfortable.
After treatment, and during, I questioned and questioned this whole forgiveness thing.
I pulled this up on wikipedia, for you as much as me. I think I will write it down in my journal.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.[1][2] Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), pardoning (granted for an acknowledged offense by a representative of society, such as a judge), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship)."
Live life with intention. You are not your past. You are still young and freed from the bondage of addiction you can do anything in this life that you choose.
I think the hardest thing I ever did was find my way to my path of beginning a life of recovery. You will find your way too, just keep taking those steps forward.
LexiStrength
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 22
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. And for taking the time out of your busy lives to give me advice. This website is helping me more than you can imagine.
Anna and Delizadee-When I was a teenager, I had a diary that I wrote in religiously. I don't even know why I stopped. I am willing to try anything therapeutic at this point to just get out of my head and get on with today and the future. So later I am going to attempt the journaling thing again.
Thomas, you're right. These memories are still so fresh, but I know that they'll become more faded as time goes on. There are no excuses for my behavior, but I like how Dee said it is like a sickness. That makes sense to me. I was sick, I am getting better, and soon I will be healed.
Forgiveness will come in time. I will learn to love myself again.
Anna and Delizadee-When I was a teenager, I had a diary that I wrote in religiously. I don't even know why I stopped. I am willing to try anything therapeutic at this point to just get out of my head and get on with today and the future. So later I am going to attempt the journaling thing again.
Thomas, you're right. These memories are still so fresh, but I know that they'll become more faded as time goes on. There are no excuses for my behavior, but I like how Dee said it is like a sickness. That makes sense to me. I was sick, I am getting better, and soon I will be healed.
Forgiveness will come in time. I will learn to love myself again.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
Lexi - you will begin to forgive yourself as time goes on. When I was newly sober, I really hated myself for a while. I would sit alone at home, crying, regretting and feeling so horrible about the things I had done. I dragged myself to AA meetings, and I went to outpatient treatment - where I learned from people with more sober time than I that it really does get better. I had to take their word for it at the beginning, and just have faith. I've been sober for over two years now, and I still have days when the memories and regrets hit me like a ton of bricks. When that happens, I take time to think through any actions I can take TODAY to help me get through that feeling. Sometimes it's writing things down, sometimes it's texting or calling someone to apologize for something, sometimes it's just sitting with the feeling and reminding myself I'm not like that anymore. It passes. I can forgive myself. But I also still take full responsibility for things I did, and I'll never forget. It's just what I have to live with now. Honestly - without my addiction and recovery, I'd never have learned as much about myself and who I really want to be. It's actually a gift. You're young - and fortunate to have a long life ahead of you, free from substances and the future regrets they can cause. Keep going! It really does get better.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
You are not allowed to feel old and worn out at 26! lol
I did find my first gray hair at 27, and it is when I started to go down hill but that was only because I started to drink really excessively then and stopped dancing and taking care of myself!
Between age 26 and age 31 I gained 80 pounds, of which I've lost 30, I need to manage at least another 30 to get to where I can move easily and not feel so old and tired. But mostly I need to hydrate, eat well, and get active. I need to dance more! and I need to avoid alcohol.
You should be in the best shape of your life right now. It's still possible for you to get there.
I did find my first gray hair at 27, and it is when I started to go down hill but that was only because I started to drink really excessively then and stopped dancing and taking care of myself!
Between age 26 and age 31 I gained 80 pounds, of which I've lost 30, I need to manage at least another 30 to get to where I can move easily and not feel so old and tired. But mostly I need to hydrate, eat well, and get active. I need to dance more! and I need to avoid alcohol.
You should be in the best shape of your life right now. It's still possible for you to get there.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Columbus
Posts: 310
Like many of you have said playing the tape through to the end doesn't only apply to not taking the next drink. When I replay the tapes of my embarrassments it makes me so thankful to God and all of you and makes me more committed to not going there again!
LexiStrength
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 22
Hugs right back at you Julia Brenda, I found my first gray hair at 22 it was horrifying lol thank God I only have a couple that are easily hidden in my highlights whew!
I am focusing on my health and outward appearance, as well as my emotional mental health. When I met my husband 6 years ago I weighed 104 pounds which is in the healthy range for my height. That was right around the time my father passed away and I started binge drinking and drugging.
Now, I am 177 pounds. It's appalling how I just gave up on myself these last few years. I joined a gym and am really committing myself to a complete lifestyle change.
With the help of you all and the support of my doctors and family I will get to a place where I like the me on the outside as much as the me on the inside. And I won't feel like an old lady at 26 lol!
Brenda, I found my first gray hair at 22 it was horrifying lol thank God I only have a couple that are easily hidden in my highlights whew! I am focusing on my health and outward appearance, as well as my emotional mental health. When I met my husband 6 years ago I weighed 104 pounds which is in the healthy range for my height. That was right around the time my father passed away and I started binge drinking and drugging.
Now, I am 177 pounds. It's appalling how I just gave up on myself these last few years. I joined a gym and am really committing myself to a complete lifestyle change.
With the help of you all and the support of my doctors and family I will get to a place where I like the me on the outside as much as the me on the inside. And I won't feel like an old lady at 26 lol!
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