Hopeforme2014

I'm not sure where to begin so I'm just gonna get right to it On Friday I got drunk and drove went out did stupid **** Like I've done so many times before and through the weekend my husband and I had so much tension...of course....and then he asked like nothings even wrong or like you sweeping everything under the under the rug and then I get angry inside about that because everything is wrong everything is so screwed up inside me but then I find out that he's just acting too...and now he tells me that he's talk to his bosses at work about his home life and Their giving him the week off...,I told him we needed to talk when he comes home tonight from work in 15 min and I don't know what to say I don't know what to tell him....i'm trying to figure it all out myself and I just don't know how to explain to him that I need help.... to stop drinking...I think I need in house treatment.....i've been reading nonstop all weekend long and I'm so tired of this roller coaster ride and when I found out after tonight he's going to be home all week long and ....I wanted to drink again and it's just crazy and stupid I'm going to end up killing myself or somebody else or going to jail who knows what and I got to stop this vicious cycle...

PhoenixJ

Yes there IS hope for you. I think with all the stress and anxiety facing you- in house treatment is a VERY, VERY good idea. Keep posting and sharing- daily. Join the march thread. Do not drink.
Support and empathy to you, you ARE NOT ALONE. PJ

Spartanman

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Have you tried to quit drinking before? Do you have support for quitting ?

Avra

You can get off the rollercoaster. You just have to decide to. Not always easy but simple and definately possible. A better life is waiting. Hope you dont decide to drink.

Hopeforme2014

I have tried several times. And have been successful for about three 18 month stints. Then I start believing that I can socially drink and then as everyone knows that only last for so long until it gets out of control again and then I just convince myself that I'll do this and I'll do that so that I don't get out of control but I always end up getting out of control and I I could've died on the weekend... and I'm scared of losing my marriage I'm scared that if people at work find out I'll lose my job I'm scared of being sober I'm scared of being drunk but I know I just I can't keep doing this and I need help and I don't I don't I don't really know where to go I mean I look online and there's 1 million different places and they all cost a fortune or I could go downtown to a walk-in place and I feel like I just feel shame I feel embarrassment I beat myself up and then I read that I shouldn't but I feel like if I don't continue to beat myself up then I'll just go back to it again I might just be my last time. I have so much to live for and this crazy addiction just keeps getting the best of me

Spartanman

You've had 18 months at a time, that's great! So you can do this! Seems like life seems overwhelming right now, but you've gotten sober before and for long stretches. Don't beat yourself up, there's no reason to do that. I don't have great advice, but I hear your desperation and I'm praying for you. Take some deep breaths, try to get away from the situation that's making you so fearful and anxious. Best wishes to you

Hopeforme2014

Thank you - just for listening. I'm just scared. I didn't drink even though there is an unopened bottle of wine from the weekend and other selections. I thought about it and thought this is crazy. Why would I go back to the very thing that is causing me so much grief. Puts the whole woman going back to the abusive boyfriend into perspective. Husband called said we will talk tomorrow as he's locked his keys in the car and I feel a great sense of relief. I'm going to bed now because I have to go to work in the morning but thanks for listening and I'm so glad that I remembered this site because I couldn't remember at first where it was and I'm glad that I found it again

Forward12

Alcoholism is a horrible thing to have to experience, but it can stop. Maybe try setting up a solid recovery plan with your husband with his time off. AA is free and everywhere. Also inpatient rehabs which insurance covers, you can also try giving your insurance company a call in the morning and see what your options are.
You can stop the madness, you've just got to take the steps to make it happen.

BeanieBaby

I could have written your post - I was at the end of my rope and in patient rehab saved my life. I was so scared to go but so glad I did. It was an amazing experience. I think it's a very good idea. You get 30 or more days to work on you away from the stress of your every day life. Go!

Delilah1

Glad you remembered this site as well. Sounds like inpatient may be a good option, if you have insurance some or all may be covered. The fact that your husband took a week off, shows that he really cares for you and wants to help.

Please keep checking in, read and post lots. Also, dump the wine, or give it to a neighbor, having it in the house is way too tempting at this point.

sva777

How long have you been actively drinking sine your last sober run? I can relate somewhat as I have had successfully gone a long time between relapses. The guilt eats you up inside of course you forget all that when the cravings come back. Best to stay close to this site. Dee showed me something called urge surfing which seems helpful.

Spartanman

So glad to hear you have a sense of relief and will be going to sleep sober tonight. Hope things go well for you tomorrow- we are here if you run into difficulties!

Delizadee

It's going to be ok it sounds like your husband is very concerned.. which is probably a good thing. Sometimes those external nudges help us to get to where we need to go before we completely self-destruct. I'm glad you came back here... post often.
Like Spartanman said, you've done it before for long stints so you know you can do it again... once you've solidified the idea of not picking up again, you'll have to work really hard on reinforcing the idea of NEVER picking up again in your mind.
There is so much help available for you. So don't give up. Deep breaths, a good sleep hopefully. And be kind to yourself.

FreedomCA

Surrender to your Higher Power and ask for help. I have rough days in my 4.5 month sobriety, and all I do on those days is surrender to God and just don't drink. I am an imperfect human being, and as long as I don't drink, I am doing my part and will be okay.

Done4today

Welcome Back Hopeforme. If you drink as much as most of us did, then everyone around already knows there is an issue. They might not know at what level but they know something. Getting help and staying sober might not fix all the problems you have but it will keep you from creating more. It will also give you the best chance at reconciling everything. Good luck and keep coming back.

Dee74

I hope the talk went ok - welcome back Hopeforme

D

totfit

Just take a deep breath. It sounds like he is taking some time to help you make a plan. Get evaluated and go from there. Seek some local reviews of resources first, search deep down and find what would be most beneficial for you and get some guidance to help you get what help you need. Relax, instead of falling into the abys. You are getting ready to face things and take the steps necessary to achieve whatever you would like in life, beginning with sobriety.

Hopeforme2014

I have quit for a few days/weeks here and there but my last long quit was a good 22 months ago.

I need to really learn/drill in my head a few things.

1. I can never have that first drink because I know it will never be just one. And it ALWAYS gets outta control eventually. The only way I can stop all this insanity is to NEVER pick up or say yes....NEVER take that first drink ever!!!!

2. I need to realize there is no quick fix. Simply abstaining will not solve this problem. Recovery is going to be a lifelong process and it's going to take hard work!!!

3. I need to be in some type of treatment plan. And then give it my all to make it work for me.

Now to keep remembering that is the hard part. To stop justifying, minimizing and lying to myself and others is what I need to do.

Anna

You are right about not taking the first drink. And, you are right that stopping drinking is not enough to help you recover. As for what program or process you choose, you need to find what works for you and what will give you the support you need. We do understand how hard this is.

Hopeforme2014

I have reached out to my EAP program and am waiting for a counsellor to call me back. I am extremely fearful. I am on my lunch break from work and had a very hard time keeping my emotions in check.

I don't know how I could possibly manage being away for 30 days. I risk losing my job, the respect of my manager and my marriage. But on the other hand I think I really would welcome the thought of just leaving all this behind for a while and concentrate working on me.

My husband and I have not had the talk yet but I did send him a few of the posts I made last night and asked him to try and understand what I am going thru.

He deals with addicted street people every day and I believe he doesn't have much tolerance when it comes to this thing. And I know he doesn't think much of rehab.

Anyway I feel relieved that I got the call out there although I still feel that there's gonna be some repercussions with my job.

I have been hiding this for so long that exposing it feels like the sky will come crashing down on me.

Will post more later.

Thank you for listening and although it's not face to face I don't feel quite so isolated.