halfalife

I don't like myself much more sober than I did at the end of being a drunk. At the end of that habit I felt that maybe at the bottom was where I belonged.

Funny at 39 I thought I'd be in a different place. Things looked so different almost three years ago. Grateful for many things and as I've blathered on about before, I've kept my mess contained to just me (so as not to inflict it elsewhere)...I've made effort to not hurt anyone as I created this for myself.

Just discouraged today. Don't feel an urge to drink it away because I truly know it will no longer offer me comfort. Can't find comfort anywhere as of the last few days. Maybe everyone felt this way arriving at this point, but some days it's unbearable.

On the road for work this week...gym, decent nutrition and sleep is what I'm focusing on.

Otherwise mood is very low, irritability high, reclusive, hopeless/restless feeling, overwhelmingly just sad. Can't talk to anyone I know about it...other than posting here, nightly reading and inconsistent attendance at meetings, I'm not sure where to turn.

PhoenixJ

Half al- hi. Welcome. I found myself feeling like that. I just wished everything would be better and if only this happened. I am just reflecting my experiences here- I am not applying them to you. I wanted to be rescued from some VERY unsafe places (not because of me). it came down to keep drinking and do a better job and actually stay dead (not suicide) OR fight. It takes me hard work. Every time I get some kind of a milestone- and there are lots of positives, I almost expect to feel better as a reward. Again- nope. Every milestone- I feel about 1% better. So after wading in my own emotional crap for 17 months 913 months sober), I feel about 30% better. Have you thought of doing something new to break the monotony of life? Something you have always wanted to do- but did not get around to it?

Delizadee

Hi halfalife,
It's ok to be discouraged right now. You are human. Just don't forget, this too shall pass... and it does get better. What it takes is action on your part though- happiness and success do not just fall into our laps.
Can you find the strength to get to more meetings? Get a list of sober contacts to lean on when you're feeling down? Do you have a sponsor? Have you thought about talking to a counselor?
And be kind to yourself. hang in there for now.

Del

Maudcat

Hang in there. This will pass.

Grymt

I suppose it's relative. It took me years sober to finally feel free from the anxiety and low mood I had most of my life. However, those sober years are relatively much better that any drunk year. It's during those sober years I could do something about it which was therapy and meditation and faith it would pass if I did what I learned works which means I have to push myself sometimes and always not pick up that first drink. I think the meditation has been indispensable. It has taught me that there is continual change in me and if I equanimously observe that change happening while getting on with life I greatly facilitate the passing of whatever miseries I'm beset with at any moment.

Anna

I hope that you begin to feel better. Be patient with yourself and be kind. Life is full of ups and downs, and I think that you will find ways to bring joy into your life. I'm glad you mention Gratitude because it's a life-changer.

halfalife

Thanks P-J and D,

I don't have a sponsor, just listening so far. Been to two meetings, but I travel a lot inconsistently, so I try to plan for it. I'm trying to get to one a week if I can.

My job limits me from making big changes right now.

I can pay for counseling, I just haven't found someone that I can go to. My health care offered through my profession will flag a concern if I seek care for anxiety, depression, and substance abuse, which impacts my retirement options and longterm livelihood. So, for now I would have to pay out of pocket.

I just feel like a piece of sh*t and this is the only place I'm allowed to admit this and not pretend. Alcohol masked it until it started changing for me and making me ill...now nothing is shielding me from it. I feel ineffective, incapable, less confident, scared...despite education, health, accolades...I just feel like I'm less of a person now. The charade behind liters of cabernet. Mask is off now.

halfalife

Thanks Maudcat, Grymt and Anna.

Frustrating two days at work and since it's harder now I just feel ineffective. I used to be the expert, the go-to...not so much these days.

Misc72

Try to watch something positive like The Secret. It has helped me alot. Sometimes we just have to feel like crap though. It passes.

thomas11

I actually think you are doing quite well all things considered. You've held it together in an impressive fashion thus far. Life has its ups and downs and you know that. Stay the course, don't let alcohol derail you a second time. Rootin for ya.

Dee74

I felt a million different things in ym first 90 days halflife - it's very ormal. I think sometimes we underestimate the cumulative effect of years of droning on mind and body - they both renew and repair, but they need a little time to do that.

Don't lose heart - you are absolutely on the right track

D

healthychoices

Hey half,

I've been feeling like rubbish on & off as well, seems to be the norm in early recovery - lucky us! Along with exercise, diet and doses of nature, I found meditation is one of the the most beneficial pillars of my sobriety atm, it's not for everyone I know but it helps me see my own negative internal dialogue for what it is - just noise that I can let go of. Hang in there buddy, better days ahead.

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing through Halfalife, give things more time!!