Struggling w anger at One Year
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 16
Struggling w anger at One Year
As of this weekend, I've actually made it an entire year sober for the 1st time in my adult life. I've spent this year struggling w a major anxiety issue, anger (wrongly expressed through a quick temper), and bouts of deep depression.
My partner of 9 years does not believe that I ever had an issue. He believes that since I wasn't out of control and homeless that I am not an alcoholic. He misses the friendly, non-confrontational, drunk Luke. He can drink once in awhile and leave it for weeks or months at a time. I, however, would drink daily; not always in great volume, just continually.
On Saturday, my actual sobriety anniversary, he asked me to go to a local restaurant with him because they've just opened a Bloody Mary Bar and he knows that I loved them. When I declined, I was told that I am no longer fun and making an issue out of nothing.
I feel like I can't even mention my struggle w/ alcohol. So I never told him that Saturday had any special significance, but I am still resentful that my belief (no... my REALITY) holds no merit with him.
My partner of 9 years does not believe that I ever had an issue. He believes that since I wasn't out of control and homeless that I am not an alcoholic. He misses the friendly, non-confrontational, drunk Luke. He can drink once in awhile and leave it for weeks or months at a time. I, however, would drink daily; not always in great volume, just continually.
On Saturday, my actual sobriety anniversary, he asked me to go to a local restaurant with him because they've just opened a Bloody Mary Bar and he knows that I loved them. When I declined, I was told that I am no longer fun and making an issue out of nothing.
I feel like I can't even mention my struggle w/ alcohol. So I never told him that Saturday had any special significance, but I am still resentful that my belief (no... my REALITY) holds no merit with him.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
If he can't cope with the sober you he has a problem, not you. Don't make his problem yours when it comes to maintaining sobriety. Well done in getting and staying sober. As far as your problem, coping with anger successfully, goes, read the various posts here and you'll find many suggestions. I tend to step aside from my anger these days, letting it be there while I maintain an awareness of it and go about my daily business. Invariably it passes and I haven't suppressed it nor pushed it on to someone else. Be Happy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by NotLuke 
As of this weekend, I've actually made it an entire year sober for the 1st time in my adult life. I've spent this year struggling w a major anxiety issue, anger (wrongly expressed through a quick temper), and bouts of deep depression.
My partner of 9 years does not believe that I ever had an issue. He believes that since I wasn't out of control and homeless that I am not an alcoholic. He misses the friendly, non-confrontational, drunk Luke. He can drink once in awhile and leave it for weeks or months at a time. I, however, would drink daily; not always in great volume, just continually.
On Saturday, my actual sobriety anniversary, he asked me to go to a local restaurant with him because they've just opened a Bloody Mary Bar and he knows that I loved them. When I declined, I was told that I am no longer fun and making an issue out of nothing.
I feel like I can't even mention my struggle w/ alcohol. So I never told him that Saturday had any special significance, but I am still resentful that my belief (no... my REALITY) holds no merit with him.
My partner of 9 years does not believe that I ever had an issue. He believes that since I wasn't out of control and homeless that I am not an alcoholic. He misses the friendly, non-confrontational, drunk Luke. He can drink once in awhile and leave it for weeks or months at a time. I, however, would drink daily; not always in great volume, just continually.
On Saturday, my actual sobriety anniversary, he asked me to go to a local restaurant with him because they've just opened a Bloody Mary Bar and he knows that I loved them. When I declined, I was told that I am no longer fun and making an issue out of nothing.
I feel like I can't even mention my struggle w/ alcohol. So I never told him that Saturday had any special significance, but I am still resentful that my belief (no... my REALITY) holds no merit with him.
It's crazy sad that your partner doesn't recognize how big of a deal this is for you...I'm sorry
Have you tried to explain your feelings?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
congratulations on one year NotLuke 
I'm sorry that your partner is making you angry.
I'm assuming that apart from this issue things are ok?
Hopefully in time he'll let go of who he wants you to be, and accept the reality that you've changed, for good.
That's why I think places like SR are good anyway - we do get it, we do understand how hard it is, and we do recognise that one year sober is a mammoth awesome achievement
I'm sorry that your partner is making you angry.
I'm assuming that apart from this issue things are ok?
Hopefully in time he'll let go of who he wants you to be, and accept the reality that you've changed, for good.
That's why I think places like SR are good anyway - we do get it, we do understand how hard it is, and we do recognise that one year sober is a mammoth awesome achievement
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Congrats on one year!!! It's awesome.
Like Dee said- this is a place that we DO understand. What have you been doing as a program to stay sober? I know for me, AA is the place where everyone understands (or, enough people do that it feels universal!!).
Keep going- as someone else mentioned, you are doing this for YOU and if you know and accept that sobriety is a must then that comes first.
Good luck.
Like Dee said- this is a place that we DO understand. What have you been doing as a program to stay sober? I know for me, AA is the place where everyone understands (or, enough people do that it feels universal!!).
Keep going- as someone else mentioned, you are doing this for YOU and if you know and accept that sobriety is a must then that comes first.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 298
Congratulations on one year, I think that is amazing.
So you've spent this past year becoming your new, true self. I think that means your relationship must change as well. You owe it to yourself to sit your partner down and be completely honest, so that he knows where your mind is at, and where it's going to remain. That should matter to him. But if it doesn't, if he still is going to miss the drunk you, well...is he right for you in your new life? Hopefully the honesty just opens him up to a new line of thinking and appreciation.
So you've spent this past year becoming your new, true self. I think that means your relationship must change as well. You owe it to yourself to sit your partner down and be completely honest, so that he knows where your mind is at, and where it's going to remain. That should matter to him. But if it doesn't, if he still is going to miss the drunk you, well...is he right for you in your new life? Hopefully the honesty just opens him up to a new line of thinking and appreciation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Huge congratulations for one year sober, that is such a major achievement and yes, all of us know how hard you worked to get there.
I am sorry that your partner is not "in this" with you. I know what that feels like and it is very irritating. I just think that normal drinkers do not get it at all. It is unfortunate but they cannot comprehend what it is like for us.
Could you buy some books on the subject that he might read. Maybe some auto-biographies, there are some great ones out there. He could read about it and maybe understand better without you having to talk until you are blue in the face.
I am sorry that your partner is not "in this" with you. I know what that feels like and it is very irritating. I just think that normal drinkers do not get it at all. It is unfortunate but they cannot comprehend what it is like for us.
Could you buy some books on the subject that he might read. Maybe some auto-biographies, there are some great ones out there. He could read about it and maybe understand better without you having to talk until you are blue in the face.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Congratulations on your 1 year anniversary.
It's too bad your partner doesn't recognize your problem. You can focus on your recovery and hopefully your relationship will survive.
It's too bad your partner doesn't recognize your problem. You can focus on your recovery and hopefully your relationship will survive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 611
I can't speak to anger issues, but I've found that a sober footing helps greatly when dealing with depression. A year sober is a big deal and your partner needs to understand that. Maybe plan some sort of celebration and include him somehow?
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